Sunday, November 05, 2006

Badcock's All-Nude NFL Review

This is the halfway point of the season and this deserves a special celebration, Badcock-style. Let's spin around the league, shall we?

AFC East
Patriots: Tough losses to good teams may lower their hype, but I guarantee this team will be dangerous in the playoffs
Jets: They sure are playing hard. Too bad they lack talent.
Bills: Cruddy team, bad coaches.
Dolphins: Beating Chicago will be the highight of their season. Nice to see some effort for once.

AFC North
Ravens: Offense is still a little rickety but they have been putting it all together more regularly.
Bengals: Tough losses to other good teams are threatening to make this team implode.
Browns: By season's end, this team will be fully in the cellar, like next year's potatoes.
Steelers: Roethlisberger rushed back too early from injury. He's an undercooked burger with scrambled eggs on top.

AFC South
Colts: Hard to argue against them right now. Are they peaking too early? Back-to-back road wins against the best in the AFC is impressive, but they must stay on target, gold leader.
Jaguars: Hot-and-cold Jaguars will doom their season if they let QB drama capsize their leaky craft.
Titans: Not a good team. Monitor Young's progress to see where they'll be next year.
Texans: They live up to their name: Texans Suck!

AFC West
Broncos: A very good team, but that loss to the Colts could cost them homefield advantage. Mile High in December/January is where Denver wants to be playing ... not in some dome in farm country. Best scoring D in the NFL.
Chargers: Another very good team. Will they be the best team not in the playoffs for the second year in a row? Not if they continue to lead the NFL in scoring.
Chiefs: Showing some consistency, but can they win on the road?
Raiders: Suck it! That's right you dumb dirty bitch, suck it! (signed) Raider-Hater Nation celebrating NFL's worst offense.

NFC East
Giants: Overacheivers have an "angel" on their side.
Dallas: "I go by the chart," coach Bill Parcells said. Bullshit, Bill. The IRON LAW is: kick early, go for it late. Your chart made the heroic victory by the Redskins possible.
Eagles: Lack the grit to put teams away. Expect consistent inconsistency, but this team can get dangerous.
Redskins: This team is struggling, to put it mildly. The team lacks character and fortitude. Can they turn it all around and run the table like they did in 2005? Murmurs insinuate: not with Brunnell at QB.

NFC North
Chicago: Everyone is shocked they lost except for Badcock. Losing to a crappy team might be good for them: Know thyself, slapshot. You just got served ... by Joey Harrington. Boof!
Vikings: With an easy schedule, they could be sniffing for a playoff spot despite being distinctly mediocore.
Lions: Caught Atlanta napping, and Roy Williams is wild-sweet. But the team is a dud.
Packers: Speaking of duds, this team is as bad as advertised. Boof!

NFC South
Saints: Winning at home & on the road, can the Saints avoid another late-season meltdown?
Falcons: This team has explosive talent but must put together complete games to make the playoffs
Panthers: Waiting for signs of life from many people's preseason NFC pick (not mine, obviously)
Bucs: Chuck E. Cheese and company are on the rocks. Shoulda kept Dilfer, what? Worst offense in the NFC.

NFC West
Seattle: Losing their all-Pro QB & RB has dimmed their prospects like a dying swan.
St. Louis: Not quite ready for the big time, but they could back into the division title
49ers: Totally hilarious that they beat the Vikings, because this is not a good team. Worst defense in the NFL only gave up 3 to Vikes!
Cardinals: Biggest underachievers/disappointers of the year? We shall see.


The Critic said...

Tampa Bay is an aborted fetus.

Anonymous said...

The shame of being beaten by Miami was only made worse when I saw the stat, Harrington is 5-3 against the Bears. Ouch.

Muumuuman said...

I'm going disagree that Ben is somehow a different Ben than last year - he's the same Big Ben. I pointed out at the beginning of the season that you can't under estimate the importance of the near guaranteed 2-4 yards you'd get out of Bettis on short yardage situations. Important to keep a drive going, and score TDs. Any QB who is called to toss into the end zone on 3rd or 4th and one is going to throw some picks, look at Brett Favre for example. Also, Randel El is desperately missed as Cower’s punt return advice has turned from find the seam to just catch the ball and don't fumble. Randel El made plays when the Steelers needed them, and no one else has stepped up. And the loss of the Edge to Colts - don't see it hurting them so much, Big Blue could get a few yards through that line.

Anonymous said...

The Steeler's spent the offseason partying and weren't ready for football.