Sunday, December 30, 2007


The Washington Redskins earned their second trip to the playoffs in three years by destroying the Cowgirls 27-6. While RB Clinton Portis was the first to run for 100 against the Cowgirls, the Redskins defense held the Cowgirls to one yard rushing, the lowest total in Cowgirls history.

The spirit of Sean Taylor is living within his football team.

Hail to the Redskins,
hail victory,
braves on the warpath,
for ol' D.C.

Professor Badcock & the Playoffs

With the 2007 playoffs upon us, it is time to retool all of the prediction machines at our disposal. The challenging prospect of predicting the results of an entire NFL season is enough to pop vacuum tubes, fry transistors and completely exhaust the gerbils inside the powerplant treadmills. Professor Badcock's original Hyperbolic Highly-Speculative NFL Forecast Machine (left) was unveiled in August
to the delight of ENIAC fiends and devotees of punch-card technology. It utilized both hyperbole and speculation in its forecasts, but was restricted by its available data set and the biological limitations of Professor Badcock's "workers."

Hopes were high for its updated version, incorporating the latest in squishy technology. Professor Badcock's Fabulously Sublime NFL Holistic Prognosticator (right) went online in September, to the huzzahs of those in the slurry & darkish batter industries. In addition to advanced holistic sublimity, it incorporated the results of the NFL preseason in its prognostications. However, carpet stains and an unavoidable risk of Stinkfoot have hindered its popularity.

How accurate were the predictions? Did Professor Badcock merely squander his federal grants on plum-colored fedoras, exotic dancers and chilled shots of Frangelico? Can the Professor's machines offer a credible vision of the playoffs?

The answers: not much, definitely, perhaps.

Professor Badcock's old school Hyperbolic Highly-Speculative NFL Forecast Machine was slightly more accurate than the new-fangled Fabulously Sublime NFL Holistic Prognosticator. The proof, this time, was not in the pudding (left).

This is a victory for analog over digital, gears over servos, Mike Mulligan & his Steam Shovel over diesel backhoes. The best of the Forecast Machine's startlingly accurate predictions which defied conventional wisdom: Redskins make the playoffs, Browns earn a winning record, Chargers exit the playoffs quickly (QED).

Professor Badcock has vowed to add more lead shielding to the Forecast Machine, as well as doubling its kerosene capacity, embiggening the smokestacks and varnishing all of the antique wood trim. If the boilers hold, the Hyperbolic Highly-Speculative NFL Forecast Machine will predict the 2007 playoffs with Cassandra-like veracity.

Perhaps IDYFT will cool-whip up a Playoff Pick 'Em. Would you mung beans be interested in that? Hmmm? You want some of that action?

By the way, this 1927 USSR industrial propaganda poster reads: "Smoke of pipes - the breath of Soviet Russia." How right they are.

College Hoops: A Day of Upsets

While everyone was watching NFL history, the college cagers were putting together a pretty exciting day themselves. I do not want to oversell it, as most teams took care of business, but by my count, there were at least five upsets yesterday. Some kind of quirky, some absolutely fucking trips to woodshed.

The day started with Wisconsin knocking off #9 Texas 67-66 with a 3-pointer and a steal off the inbounds pass to seal it. I'm guessing Michael Flowers got laid tonight, as he hit both the late 3-pointer, and made the steal. Texas guard A.J. Abrams (not to be confused with Lost producer J.J. Abrams) missed a free throw that would have given the Longhorns a 3 point lead going into the last possession. Ouch.

Gary Parrish thinks this game means that Wisconsin is a team to contend, or at least cause problems in the Big 10. I have to agree. The Big 10 was looking super top-heavy up to this point, with Indiana and Michigan State alone at the top. This win announces that Wisconsin can handle tough road games. (Sorry for no direct link to Gary's actual Wisconsin article--the blogs at CBS don't have permalinks. Gary assures me that they are working on that. Really--he emailed me to let me know. After I pestered him about it. I'm not kidding. I have the ear of the stars of College Basketball blogging world.)

Hmm. I seem to remember saying some nice things about Winthrop last year. Today, they knocked off one of the handful of undefeated teams left in Division 1. Winthrop beat the #19 Miami Hurricanes 76-70 after Miami had a double digit lead early in the second half. Winthrop is only 7-5 in the early goings here, so it is hard to say that they are the same team they were last year, especially without Bradshaw, who was their go-to guy in the paint. But Winthrop goes about 7 men deep, and they have a dangerous backcourt. Also note, those 5 losses include losses on the road to West Virginia and Mississippi. I'll say it again this year--watch out for Winthrop.

Hey, speaking of West Virginia. As of today, they were ranked nationally (#23), and being led by Evil Genius Bobby Huggins. They lost to the Sooners in what was arguably the most exciting game of the night. Double OT, with some big shots, and some impressive players. Both of these squads have some exciting players. And you might assume that if Oklahoma beat West Virginia (as they did, 88-82) Longar Longar had a big game. And he did. He had a very Longar Longar type game. But Blake fucking Griffin was in a lot of ways the star of the show. 18 points, 16 boards, and showed a mobility for a big man that is going to scare the fuck out of opponents. I watched a bit of this game with miwacar. Don't be surprised if he blogs about Blake Griffin. He was very impressed with him.

The Biggest Upset of the Day goes to the Dayton Flyers, even though they've won 10 straight, and should be in the top 25 themselves. In one poll, they are not. So they invited #6 Pittsburgh to their house and were rude hosts, slapping Pitt around for 40 minutes. Dayton destroyed Pitt, 80-55. Thin about that. That's a 25 point smackdown of the #6 team in the country. Dayton is clearly going to be ranked come Monday. Will they be in the Top 10? No--not even with this 10th straight win, and demolishing of Pitt. They will vault into the teens, maybe. Pitt will drop into the teens. There's a good chance that Pitt will still be ranked higher than Dayton after this demolishing. There doesn't exist one good reason for why that should be. I'm looking at Pitt's lineup, and who they graduated, and I'm shocked they are in the Top 10 at all. Expect them to fall further.

Also, Boise State beat #23 BYU. No one cares about what happens in Mormon country, and I don't think BYU was a real #23 anyway. BYU's best player looks like this. Nuff said:

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Patriots* Finish Strong


A perfect 16-0 regular season, best offense in NFL history, most blah blah blah.

You better win the Superbowl or your asterix is going to have an asterix.

Go Jaguars.

We Have Arrived. Someone Is Stealing Our Shit

Here's the shirt we've been offering for more than a year. Basically, as long as this blog as has been alive:

And now, some DICKHEAD has stolen our name, and our design.

Look at this theft!

I would copy the photo in, but it is all done in Flash (the medium of thieves).

You can ask them why they are stealing our designs and our name.

Draft and Trade deals

I was watching the Timberwolves hang tough with Trailblazers tonight,and then went away for a few moments to watch Louis CK on Comedy Central. Because Louis CK is fucking hilarious:

When I came back, the Blazers were up by 15, and pulling away. The Blazers aren't necessarily very good. In fact, by many rubrics they are a bad team. They have now won 12 games in a row, which is impressive. But there was a reason that they got Greg Oden last year--they were a lottery team. They've had a 10 game stretch this year where they went 1-9.

Watching Brandon Roy carve up the Timberwolves, shaking down Marko Jaric (how many years, for how much money?) whilst fellow draft mate Randy Foye sat on the bench in a natty suit brought a question to mind.

Timberwolves watchers have often complained about the draft picks (Will Avery) and the trades, followed by big money contracts (like Jaric). But what about the trades that happened on draft night?

The Timberwolves drafted Brandon Roy. He was their player. For about 5 minutes. And the Wolves traded him to the team that picked next, and acquired Randy Foye. Now, I have no problem with Randy's attitude, or work ethic, or any of that shit. But he has yet to play a game this year. The Timberwolves are currently struggling to find a real 2 guard. Is it Gerald Green? Is it Antoine Walker? Is it Rashad McCants? None of these players have established themselves like Roy has. In exchange, the Wolves have gotten an oft-injured, yet to play this year point guard in Foye that may have lost his position to the surprisingly veteran play of still young Sebastian Telfair.

It reminds me of the other really bad Draft Night trade the Wolves made, years and years ago. Back then, the Wolves drafted Ray Allen. And we all rejoiced. And then the Wolves traded away Ray Allen to get Stephon Marbury, who proceded to blow up the franchise. A Couple of years later, a jealous Marbury demanded a trade, but did it so late that Tom Gugliotta had already forced a trade of his own (Googs stated later that if he had known that Marbury was leaving, he would have stayed).

So whilst remembering the drafting of Will Avery, or Nbudi Ebi, or Andres Guibert. Or the trades for the likes of Mark Blount or Marko Jaric, never forget--the Timberwolves could have had 10 years of Ray Allen/Garnett. Or failing that, they could have had Brandon Roy. Would Garnett have been so quick to move to Boston if he had a clear Two Guard like Roy? We will never know.

In retrospect, those were two horrible draft-day trades. And they deserve to be remembered.

Us Read Gud!

Via Lucy Rhode, I learned that the Twin Cities are two of the Top 3 Cities when it comes to being literate.

I can only assume that DC would have been higher on the list if they could only figure out a way to keep Chris Matthews from spending so much time there.

That dumb fatty drunk can't read.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Oh, Sporting Orange, You Didn't Listen!

The ASU-Texas clash was almost exactly what you'd expect from two very flawed teams playing in a pretty meaningless Bowl Game. Lots of offense, aided and hampered by some really weird/odd/stupid plays.

But the one that caught most people's eyes was probably this one (from the AP):

With the Longhorns leading 21-0 and the Sun Devils (10-3) driving early in the second quarter, ASU's Rudy Carpenter was sacked by linebacker Roddrick Muckelroy and the ball went squirting toward the Longhorns' sideline.

[Texas Coach Mack Brown's stepson, Chris] Jessie stepped about a yard onto the field and was motioning toward a player when he reached down and appeared to touch the ball with his left thumb. Texas defensive tackle Roy Miller slapped the ball away from the sideline and defensive end Aaron Lewis recovered and returned it to about the ASU 44.

After review, officials reversed the call, ruling that Jessie touched the ball, which is an unsportsmanlike act. Texas was penalized half the distance to the goal, giving the Sun Devils fourth-and-3 at the 7. Carpenter then threw a touchdown pass to Chris McGaha...

"I didn't touch it, I didn't touch it," Jessie said. "The focus shouldn't be on me. That was a great game."

Chris Jessie clearly stated that the focus shouldn't be on him. But one of our blogger brethern have decided that, yes, in fact, it should be on the jackass stepson/paid member of the Texas staff. The Sporting Orange has Chris Jessie's MySpace profile available. Until Jessie takes it down (thank goodness for him it isn't as impossible to remove as a Facebook profile). You should go to Sporting Orange just to see how a stepson of a coachs poses on MySpace. Did you guess flexing, while pointing to his arm tattoo of (possibly) Japanese characters? Did you think that too obvious? Oh, friend, you don't know nepotism, Texas-style.

Future Star: JaVale McGee

I wonder how many other people besides myself bothered watching a game between a 7-5 Nevada Wolfpack team and the #1 team in the nation, the UNC Hansboroughs.

If anyone else did, you may have noticed a young man playing in the middle for the Wolfpack, who had graduated their most impressive center in a long, long while in Nick Fazekas. Their new big man is a young man by the name of JaVale McGee.

And yeah, UNC handed Nevada their asses in the second half (to be fair, the end of the first half is when the dam broke). UNC lost a junior guard/"glue guy" in Bobby Frasor. How Frasor and his 3 points a game merit the first 5 paragraphs in this AP report, I'm not exactly sure. The upshot of the injury is that Ty Lawson, a far more talented, and younger by all of one year, player will be getting more time. I think UNC will be OK.

To me, the revelation of the game was JaVale McGee--he's 7'0" wiry, athletic, with a longer wingspan than 7 feet. Fearless on the boards, great around the basket, willing to shoot the 3. He's only a sophomore, and probably has some weight to gain to really bang with the boys in the paint. He also need to work on his consistency at the line. But he's impressive. I saw him put the ball on the floor, and dish inside to his power forward for an easy basket. Against UNC. On the year, he's close to averaging a double-double.

Remember that name. The courtside guys were talking about how McGee has got pro scout's antennae buzzing. In a world gone crazy, where Joel Pryzbilla was in the top 10 players drafted his year, McGee is already a lottery pick. This kid, at 19, could school the current Pryz in one-on-one, no doubt. That's not saying much, I know. But still. He's good. And his mom is the apparently legendary woman's player Pam McGee.

It may be this year, or maybe next, but soon, people will be talking loudly about how good JaVale McGee is. Don't be surprised when they do.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

IDYFT Fantasy League Updates

For those of you new to the scene, I am of course referring to Fantasy Football and Pick 'em. I am categorically not referring to the illegal IDYFT Fantasy Fighting League in which you can put money on which one of us would win certain types of fights, and then watch the action in the basement of a nondescript suburban 7-11.

Because, of course, that doesn't exist. Nope.


We have a winner in our IDYFT Fantasy Football League. And he's a contributor. Let's give it up to MuuMuuMan, the owner of the Fistomaniacs. Congrats MuuMuuman. For your prize, may I direct you to the Girls Section of the IDYFT Store? I'm sure your farting, lying children would appreciate it. Let me know what you would like.

In the Pick 'Em, "pooonyoo" has a narrow lead on "pakmaster". Gentlemen, make sure you contact us about your prize options. Again, the winner gets to pick between IDYFT paraphenalia, or a Football Playing Jesus. 2nd place gets the remainder. Third place gets something. Third place is currently a 5 or 6 way battle. Stay tuned!

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas!

Monday, December 24, 2007

On Behalf of IDYFT, Boba Fett wishes You a Merry Christmas

To You and Yours, we Hope You Have a Bobafeautiful Christmas. Ha, ha! Kill us. Kill us now.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Noble Redskins Crush Twelve-Man Viking Horde

The Washington Redskins punched glory-holes through the so-called best run defense in the NFL with a dominating performance and won the game in the fourth quarter by rushing straight up the middle for forty-seven crucial yards and a TD.

The Washington Redskins stumped the so-called best run offense in the NFL, holding them nearly one hundred yards below their average. Game-breaking RB A. Peterson was held to twenty-seven yards. Rookie of the year? Not this week.

Remember how they stripped Jesus of his purple robe before nailing him to the christmas tree of love? It was a little like that for Purple Jesus.

The Redskins stomped the Vikings in the first half, forcing QB Tarvaris "Purple Judas" Jackson into costly INTs. In the first quarter, a 4th and goal TD by FB Sellers was denied by a questionable replay. The Vikings took over on the one-inch line and were promptly stuffed for a safety. The Redskins scored a TD on the ensuing possession. Mustache Childress's challenge yielded nine points rather than seven and he was similarly out-coached for most of the game.

The Vikings "fans" started booing at the start of the second quarter. I guess they figured that would shame their young QB into playing better. An interesting choice.

The Redskins clearly were playing with more desire and determination and earned a 22-0 halftime lead. However, their familiar second-half meltdown looked inevitable in the third quarter. They backed off their pressure and QB Jackson responded with a succession of dink 'n' dunks to get the Vikes on the scoreboard. The Vikes converted a "surprise" onside kick but went three-and-out.

The Redskins offense went into a shell for the third quarter and the defense stayed in a prevent defense (complete with stupid penalties), allowing a second TD to make the score 25-14 as the fourth quarter began.

With momentum on their side, the Vikings looked poised to stop the white-knuckling Redskins offense and take the game over. Then Collins completed a 23 yard pass to WR Moss; fearing that the Vikings would challenge the catch they rushed to the line and snapped the ball. Oops: fumble recovered by the Vikings, and the world was falling apart.

But wait! The Vikings were caught with twelve men on the field. Whichever member of the Redskins braintrust that noticed this game-saving penalty deserves extra gravy.

Mustache Childress vehemently whined that the offense has to give the defense time to substitute. This is untrue at every level of football: the offense does not have to be nice and wait for the defense to get set. His bitch session concluded: "I just want to see it even-handed. That's all I want to see. The video's going to show it, and it's irritating as hell."

There were nine minutes left, and the Vikings would have had the ball in Washington territory. Instead, the reprieve gave heart to the weary Redskins. Clinton Portis ran through the the dejected Vikings line and scored a TD to make it 32-14.

The Vikings dink 'n' dunked another TD, a desultory drive that belied the concept of "hurry-up offense" by taking the game down to the two-minute warning. They failed on their expected onside kick and the Redskins won.

If the Redskins can defeat their hated rivals next Sunday, they will make the playoffs and take on the Seahawks in the first round. The Vikings can still back in if the Redskins lose, but they clearly don't deserve the opportunity.

1. Green Bay Packers (+5)
2. Washington Redskins (+1)
3. Detroit Lions (-1)
4. Minnesota Vikings (-2)
5. Oakland Raiders (-3)

The last game in the IDYFT Cup will be between the Winners Green Bay Packers and the Guaranteed Detroit Lions. Yawn.

A special tale of holiday cheer for you and yours

Tis the season everyone, tis the season!  Today, rather than blog the usual sports related story with my own special 30 something slant of sarcasm, if I'm lucky a trace of wit, and lets not forget the usual heaping of self-deprecation I've decided to share with you a personal story of holiday joy.

It was the winter solstice, the day the sun stands still then changes directions to bring us more light and eventually warmth for the summer to come.  I was churning through the usual routine to get my family ready to go - breakfast then washing, and then dressing and getting to the car.  This procedure can take some time for my 3 and 4 year old, and sometimes even more time for the misses.  It was near 11:00 and my family was almost ready to go (record time!).  The misses was putting the finishing touches on her face, my youngest was putting her boots on, and I was combing the hair of my oldest child.  Combing and styling a four year old girls hair is difficult for me because I lack experience with braiding, ponytails, barrettes, and the like - and a four year old is a perpetual moving target.  But, as with everything, I try my best.  I was trying to make a pony tail on top of her head, and while I was working on it she had slowly slithered down from a standing to sitting position between the couch and coffee table making it impossible to proceed.  So, I called her name and asked her to stand, but Sponge Bob garners much more of her attention than my voice, so I grabbed her around the waist to pull her back up as the misses entered the room.  The unexpected pressure on my daughters belly squeezed out a fart as she stood.  She looked at me, then at her mother and said "Oh my daddy farted!" and waived her hand in front of her nose.  Four years old, and already blaming me when she farts.  I couldn't be prouder.  Merry Christmas everyone, Merry Christmas.

Blogger Round Up: Solstice Edition

For those of you who live further South, the solstice may not mean much to you. But to Minnesotans (and those who live further north) it is a big deal. The days start getting longer--I think its about 3 minutes a day. Which doesn't sound like much, until you start thinking in terms of weeks--21 minutes a week? That's a huge deal! The sun won't be setting at 4:15 next week! Hurray! To celebrate, a blogger round-up, despite the rather minimal activity at some of our favorite go-to blogs.

Others have stepped up nicely. 10000 Takes has stepped into the reporting on the Timberwolves that no one wants to do. Undaunted, our fellow Wolf lover has undertaken Operation Hang Ten, in which they chart the Wolves attempt to get 10 wins. We love the Wolves, too, and we do write about them, but we do turn off the game when they are down 40-20 to the Pacers. To their credit, 10000 Takes did not, and thus witnessed Sebastian Telfair's crazy ass game. They call it arguably the best single game performance of any Timberwolf point guard in the history of the franchise. We'd like to argue against that, because it just seems wrong. But we aren't sure we can, without doing a lot of research. Research is for jerks.

Pacifist Viking thinks E.J. Henderson should be Pro Bowl bound. I'm not a Viking fan, and I never will be, so I'll let this idea pass to you unqualified by me. What I will say that a rather one-note offense, and an extremely one-note defense already got more players to the Pro Bowl than they deserved.

Benjamin Polk over at the City Pages BALLS! blog has more thoughts on the inprobable come from behind win the Wolves had over the Pacers. He too, sings the praises of Sebastian Telfair.
He also spends some time discussing the problem of Gerald Green--how one little foul can seem to erode the confidence of a guy who has been hitting big shots all game. We presume he will grow out of that.

The Ladies have come, rather belatedly, to the realization that Jason Elam has written a book. It makes us wonder if they ever read us at all. We aren't going to cry about it, though. Rather, we aren't going to cry anymore about it. Stiff upper lip and all that, right old boy?

The Baker at Rumors and Rants admits to living in Indiana for seven years and never once watching Hoosiers all the way through. We'd say the bigger crime is being alive for at least (presumably) 21 years and never watching Hoosiers. What's wrong with The Baker? Why does he hate Everything Good? He never explains. Screw you, The Baker. We hope you run the picket fence, and get caught watching the paint dry.

Finally, The Postmen have themselves a very telling graphic that tells you everything you need to know about the kind of jerks who live in Michigan. Everyone we know who lives in Michigan are jerks, but I didn't assume them to be representative of the state as a whole. I guess I should have.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

The Holy Biumiverate of I-35 E and W

I highlight this mainly to say how stupid the media is these days. A bunch of idiots based in (where else?) Texas decide that a line in the Old Testament that reads "And a highway will be there; it will be called the Way of Holiness. The unclean will not journey on it; it will be for those who walk in that Way; wicked fools will not go about on it." is referring to my local highway, I-35, which has the bad luck to run all the way down south to Texas, where these idiots live.

There are not many of them, thank the Good Lord Cuchulain. Even CNN admits that they were following about 25 people as they went around praying for I-35.

25 people egregiously misinterpret Biblical sources, and it is national news? How stupid are these people? They decided that the line must be referring to I-35 because it the line is from 35th Chapter of Isaiah.

There's context, and then there is CONTEXT. The verse above is Isaiah 35:8. Isaiah 35:7 says, "The burning sand will become a pool, the thirsty ground bubbling springs. In the haunts where jackals once lay, grass and reeds and papyrus will grow." So, the previous verse makes it clear that there are jackals and papyrus in the land of this highway. You know what I just did there? I named two species that don't exist along the I-35 corridor (or in the North American continent at all).

So these people are stupid, and cherry-picking one verse to make up some reason to practice public homophobia (they focus their prayers at "immoral" businesses along I-35, like LGBT or pro-choice organizations).

Even just a touch of Biblical scholarship tells you that Isaiah was written during a time in which the Israel kingdom was split between Israel and Judah, and under constant threat by bigger empires all around. It would seem clear, with just a modicum of context, that the verse above was written in hope of predicting those two kingdoms uniting to fight the external threat. But somehow, a handful of idiots in America have decided that something written almost 3000 years ago was about the strip club off I-35 in Kansas. And CNN treats it as news.

Wondering what is making something called Mike Huckabee a factor in the run for the most Important Job in the World? These idiots! Who as of this writing, have been hacked!

In short: fuck you, stupid idiot literalist Christians, who are misinterpreting a book that doesn't even really belong to you and fuck you, CNN for making it news. 25 people! I can get together 25 people to protest anything under the sun in 24 hours--that don't make it news!

Will CNN follow me and my 24 followers when we pray for the soul of the Snorks, or something equally stupid as what they followed today? Probably not.

Back soon to our usual sports snark commentary. But Great Good Universal Lord in the Heavens Above, covering idiot extremists as if they are not crazy pisses me off.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Yay!! Kitna to return in 2008! Yay!

Mike Martz has anounced that Kitna will remain the starting quarterback for the Lions for the remainder of this season and for 2008. I, and all other Lions fans are thrilled!

I mean why not? Look how this fella carries a TV! And Kitna, in his 11 years in the NFL has never done better than 8-8. His over all win-loss I'd estimate at about 30-60 as a starter in the NFL. I know previously Norwood blamed one Mike Martz, but the Martz does have a pair of Superbowl appearences. His loyalty to Kitna kind of confuses me. I don't think Kitna has to take a 7 step drop everytime. When good QBs see a blitz coming they may audible to a slant or something of that nature, but not Kitna. Sack or INT. Kitna has been and will be day or night - either he looks fantastic (poor defense can't put pressure on a 7 step drop) or horrific (defense can and does pressure him). I'm not saying replacing Kitna would be an automatic cure, but I think what Seattle and Cincinatti did with Kitna was a good use of him - Palmer and Hasselbeck turned out to be pretty good QBs. Lions, draft a QB next year, please.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

It sucks to be an Eagle

On Sunday the Eagles defeated the Cowboys by a score of 10-6. You may think that sports reporters would be praising the Eagles, McNabb, Westbrook, maybe Sheppard and Brown... but no. Who defeated the Cowboys? Jessica Simpson!

I mean how could it be the Eagles? Sure, they almost beat the Patriots on the road, but that was probably due to some bizarre Carrie Underwood - Tom Brady connection that hasn't hit the tabloids.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

How I Will Resurrect Purple Jesus' Output

The Monday Night Football crew, especially the disgustingly balding Tony Kornheiser (have you ever seen such an ugly, wispy, thinning thing before?), continued to harp about their disappointment with the play of Purple Jesus. Of course, PJ made enough of an impact late in the game to waylay some of the criticism, but overall he had another sub-par performance. Why is that might you ask? I have watched his play very intently all season and have seen, of late, a couple of things that might explain his limited output over the last couple of games. Don’t fret, these issues have already been brought to the attention of Darrell Bevell and Brad Childress, through several of my professional and personal conduits to the team, one of which you learned about yesterday.

The most important and most easily corrected reason for Jesus’ low yardage totals of late, is the play calling. I don’t know if anyone else has noticed that every single run play that is called for Adrian is either a slant, or a sweep, or some other type of play that has him trying to get to the edge. It is every play. There are two obvious reasons why this play calling works against Jesus.

The first is that every defensive line, like the Bears last night and 49’ers the week before, can run slant stunts to disrupt the blocking schemes of the Vikings’ o-line and disallow PJ access to the edge. Also, the linebackers are able to key sideline to sideline which allows them to get out in front of the blocks of the pulling linemen or those shooting to the second level.

The other problem with always trying to get PJ to the edge is that his pads are kept parallel to the line which immediately takes away his power and his ability to juke a defender, and makes him much easier to bring down. Even Jesus can’t make those awesome cuts if he is running sideways at full speed trying to get outside of the tackles. I understand the type of damage the guy has done and will do again once he does get the edge, but for God’s sake (i.e. Jesus--yeah Holy Trinity!) run him straight at defenses. This will allow for his big line to make one on one blocks, for Adrian to use his full array of unearthly talents, and will eventually open up the edge for a big play every now and again.

Adrian and the Vikings have become enamored with the big play to the detriment of Adrian’s and the teams overall rushing success. As we witnessed a couple of times last night, and the MNF crew actually properly alluded to, Adrian in his attempts to make every run a big run loses his limited chances to make positive yardage on some of his runs. You of course do not want Adrian to lose his desire to go big, but it does need to be more opportunistic.

As I stated before, this powerful insight has been passed on to the proper members of the Vikings coaching staff. All we can hope for now is that they heed my sage advice. Look out Redskins.

Monday, December 17, 2007

The New Mexican Nightmare: Dos Santos

Much like Lou Dobbs, I hate Mexicans. Not because they come to the States and steal my meat-packing job--I've got no problem with that. You wanna hose out pig skulls for 8 bucks an hour--more power to you. I hate Mexicans because they love, for some reason, the Mexican National Soccer Team.

The Mexican Soccer Team has been full of guys full of themselves for awhile. Aged veterans who think they should be allowed to win just because they are legends in Mexico. Blanco, Hernadez, Borgetti, etc. They showed up and just expected to beat the US, and got pissy when they didn't. But there is a new generation of Mexican players coming up, and I'm a bit worried about what the US Men's team is going to be facing in future competition.

In the Copa America earlier this year, Mexico brought some young guns who seemed kind of scary, possibly none more worrying than Castillo, who I likened to a time traveling, quick stepping Claudio Reyna with an ability to finish. Case in point? Here.

But even more worrying is the young Mexican winger now gaining experience in Barcelona. I watched the Champions League match of Barcelona vs. Stuttgart. Neither team had anything to play for--Barcelona was in to the next round; Stuttgart was going home regardless of the result. So Barcelona played most of their starters, but they also unleashed a young, young (18 years old) Giovanni Dos Santos (which translates to Johnny Two Santas).

I won't reveal the result here, because Miwacar hasn't watched the game yet, but you can click on the link to get the final score. Dos Santos was a a factor, and the entire time I watched him, I wondered, "How will the US defend this kid? " I still don't know the answer.

Watch this clip. Watch the cut, and the snap of the ball. Dos Santos is only 18, and he sometimes looks his age. Other times, he looks unstoppable. I'm terrified of this kid. Is the US defense well known for its organization and speed? No? Shit. Watch out. Mexico might actually win on US soil in 2008.

Warning: The following clip has annoying music in it. Turn your speakers down.

Noble Redskins Break Wind All Over The Giants

In a game dominated by 26 mph winds, the Washington Redskins punched the Giants in the guts and watched them crumple.

With the wind making each pass attempt a wild, tremulous adventure, both teams' RBs found success on the ground, averaging five yards per rush. Redskins RB Portis was shifty and slippery, while Giants RB Jacobs punished would-be tacklers. The difference between the two was that Jacobs was entirely unable to catch dinky dumps out of the backfield, while Portis was a dominant blocker in pass protection.

The Giants dug their own shallow grave by dropping every pass that came their way. Eli Manning is a lousy QB and conditions were very difficult, so he certainly didn't need help from his lame WRs and RBs. He threw more incompletions (34) than anyone in forty years, finishing up 18/52 for a 3.2 yard average and one fumble lost. His scrunchy little sad face is something to deride most mercilessly.

Redskins QB Collins, on the other hand, remained poised in the face of the gale. He had the advantage of WRs who made the catches that mattered (8 receptions at 19.5 yards each) and coaches who aren't completely fucking retarded.

The Giants called fifty-two passes in swirling 26 mph winds. In addition, almost all of the passes were short. Contrary to their expectations, short passes are harder to complete than longer balls in high winds. The reason why is that longer passes give a WR time to adjust to the fluttering duck, while short passes knuckle in sideways with no chance for a receiver to change his footwork, hand position or religious affiliation.

My favorite moment? When Giants fans began booing their team at the start of the second quarter. Think on that: the Giants were 9-4, virtually guaranteed a wildcard spot and down 3-0 with thirteen minutes left in the second quarter. And their fans were booing lustily. You could see the Redskins defenders looking at each other incredulously.

My second favorite moment? Giants TE Jeremy "Bitch Curls" Shockey having his leg broken like a piece of dry dogshit. See you next year, asshole. Love your boss USA tattoo, by the way.

As indicated by the weight of my remarks, the outcome of this game had more to do with what the Giants did poorly than what the Redskins did right. Such is the case in a game dominated by weather conditions. The one area where the Redskins were greatly superior was the excellent kicking of PK Suisham. He was 3/3 from 28, 31 and 49 yards in very difficult conditions.

Next Week: Three-Time World Champion Washington Redskins take on the Minnetonka Vikings in the most meaningful game in IDYFT Cup history (which admittedly isn't saying very much) next Sunday at 8 pm on ESPN. I invite any Vikings fans to start talking shit now, because you have less than a week before it's all over for you.

Dwight Smith Forgave Me, Won't You?

Guilt has gotten the best of me again, damn my moralistic, Christian upbringing. I feel that a confession is necessary for me to move on with my life and to alleviate some of the increased scrutiny that one of my friends is facing because of my actions. I hope that the supportive network that is the blogosphere will do the job that I used to have Jesus do. Forgive Me!

Thursday night December 13, 2007 was like any other Thursday night here in the upper Midwest. It was quiet until me and a few friends entered the neighborly confines of our local hangout, where we were greeted with music and open arms, legs, bikini tops and wallets. Sheiks is a refuge to young professional males like me and my friends, men who enjoy the visual stimulus of naked titties and enjoy the warm intimacy of women’s parts rubbed all over our laps with gusto. We all felt appreciated and with that we began to drink and spread the merriment.

Things would have been ok if we had stayed there, seated in the plush comfort of the VIP section of the club, with the loving company of our female friends and the bottles of Cristal to keep us company. But no, you know me and my green proclivities, I had to propose a trip to the car to enhance the happy feelings we were already a part of. In my constant pursuit of improving my elevated sensations, I made a poor decision. Not that the decision to go out and partake of the ganj’ was a bad one, because it never is, but that I had to go and do it with my friend Dwight, who because of his job, should not be doing it in public.

So, there we are sitting in Dwight's luxury mobile passing an excellently crafted blunt, rolled by moi of course, not really paying attention to our surroundings or more importantly, the strength of the weed, when Jimmy, my other friend, looks at his watch and notices that 2 hours had passed since we had left the club. I personally had no clue what my name was, let alone what time it was, so I had to take Jimmy’s word for it. The others proposed that we head back into the club, but both Dwight and I agreed that we were in no condition to do that—“Holy shit man, no fucking way man…I cccan’t go back up in there yo…holy shit feel how fast my heart is beating…shit I think I am gonna die Dwight…Goddamn that shit was so strong…hey where did everybody go?”—so we stayed in his car.

We were waiting for the super-high to leave off some of its edge before doing anything, however that never did happen, so we were forced to make another fateful decision in the fog of bake-o’d. I suggested to Dwight that we pull around to the front of the club and wait for the guys to come back out. I’ll admit that it was a poor decision, but at the time I was all weirded out sitting in the parking lot. I was convinced that there were some of those “28 Days Later” zombies rushing about in my peripheral vision. I was losing more and more of my shit with every passing minute. Anyway, I convinced Dwight that it was a good idea and that I was feeling well enough to actually drive the car around to the front of the club. Which is exactly what I did once I figured out how to turn the car on and navigate my way out of the entrance to the lot…it took a little bit of time.

Once we successfully made it around to the front of the club, it was just a matter of waiting for the guys to come out. Everything was copacetic, the doorman had given us a knowing and protective wave, and the night’s chill was helping to cancel out the upper elevations of the high. That is when the pressure and pain of not having gone to the bathroom in nearly 3 hours, after having consumed tons of VSOP and Cristal, hit me like a 12 lbs. maul. Without a word I opened the driver’s door and bolted for the club and the VIP restroom. Little did I realize at the time that I had left the driver’s side door open with Dwight all by himself, FUBARed in the passenger’s seat. The rest of course is history. The pigs showed up and ticketed Dwight for weed possession, even though he didn’t have any on him. They say it smelled like weed, but come on man the door was open and Dwight's window was open a crack for fresh air treatment. They also got him for obstruction of traffic, which was completely my fault for leaving the door open and taking the keys with me to the bathroom. Even if we was physically able to move the car when the cops asked him to, he wouldn’t have been able to because high ol’ me had the keys.

Now Dennis is facing suspension and a big financial hit because of all of this. I have already apologized to Dennis, we are cool, but I feel I need the forgiveness of all of Viking fandom to rest well at night…I am very sensitive.

So, please forgive me. And know that I will not mix titty clubs and weed together again until after the NFL regular season is concluded. As for Dwight, he has vowed to take out his frustrations on the Bears. He also said I have to provide him with all the weed he can smoke during his suspension.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Adam Everett a Twin

The Twins decided somewhere along the way that a shortstop at shortstop is better than a 3rd baseman at shortstop, and signed recently expendable (for the Astros) Adam Everett.

Anyone who thought the Twins were going to go out and find some big hitter to play shortstop in the quick infield of the Metrodome were sadly mistaken. The Twins want and need offense, sure; just as certainly, Adam Everett will not provide that offense.

But as Aaron Gleeman shows, in scary detail, with statistics I'm not sure I've heard of, that Adam Everett, when healthy, is one of the best defensive infielders in the game. Fans may grumble and moan (I know I will) when Everett hits under .250, but I'll also cheer everytime he gets to a ball that should have gotten by him. I will not cheer every time he doesn't make an error, but I will turn to whoever I'm watching the game with and say, "Bartlett might have coughed that one up."

Welcome aboard, Adam Everett! Is it too late for you to get some of that HGH stuff I've heard murmurings about?

A Sad Day For Baseball?

Whatever. This is NOT a particularly sad day for baseball. It IS a sad era for baseball, football (college & pro), basketball (college & pro), soccer, curling, hockey, competitive table tennis, track & field, cycling, golf, tennis, and probably bowling. Any competitive "sport" where increased recovery, eyesight, or any slight advantage might come in handy. If baseball is sullied, then football is completely debased. Just because the mass media spoon feeds us these sound bites about baseball and doesn't give a damn about anything else, doesn't mean we need to run with it. The world will go on, and society will need to deal with its impact on the concept of competition in general.

Remember, everything we've heard about Bonds, Clemens, Petitte et al. is that they're on HGH, at least primarily. There is no sufficient test for this, and its clear to any reasonable person that a large percentage percentage of professional athletes were using this as their preferred method of cheating.

What about better drug testing? Isn't it the Union's fault that we're stuck in this mess? Boy, if only baseball was as well run and was as visionary as the NFL, or, dare we dream, the Olympics Drug testing program. Bullshit. Everyone seems to sight the Olympic testing program as being the gold standard, but they've never caught ANYONE using HGH. Either this is because no Olympian uses this particular drug, or it means the current method of testing isn't worth a damn.

Having said that, we can all be angry at the unions, the commish, and everyone else involved for their perceived intransigence, but there was nothing to be done about most of this cheating in any event. Yes we're all frustrated, and if it makes anyone feel better, I'll start stomping my feet in order to start a big group tantrum, but at the end of the day, all that means is that we're more concerned with PR spin and perception than the facts as they are.

Finally, lets not be so foolish as to fall for corporate tactics that encourage us all to disdain union activism for no particular reason of consequence. I'm just glad that baseball players are represented decently, and I'm saddened that football players are left to die young after lives of disability and mental torment with little or no support from their brethren.

Everyone involved in professional competition is culpable, if anyone is (apart from the offending players themselves that is). Just because people seem to care more about the sanctity and 'pure' competitive balance of baseball, MLB is the only sports entity admonished. Though if professional baseball is guilty of sin, then the NFL is the devil.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

The Saints Are Making Me Thirsty!

When I wrote my Marx-inspired NFL Wildcard preview, the Saints hadn't played against the Falcons. I suppose I should have been more thorough in my investigation of an NFC that's as wide-open for the taking as a Raiders fan drinking away the pain.

The Saints knocked off a Falcons team led by a coach who had already quit. That brought them to 6-7; their unimpressive 5-4 conference record gives them the edge over the even less impressive 6-7 petit bourgeoisie, and one little game behind the Vikings for the six seed.

The Saints have beaten two teams with winning records: the weak Seahawks and the Jaguars (minus QB Garrard and DT Marcus "Roidmonster" Stroud). The teams they've beaten have won only 41% of their games, which drops to 27% without the Hawks and Jags. Their seven losses have come against teams that have won only 54% of their games. My point is that the Saints aren't good. They are extremely vulnerable to the pass and their offense is pass-only.

Sad Sack Schedule: Arizona, Philly, at Chicago (41% wins)
Prognosis: Not Shabby. This team has the inside track if the Vikings stumble, and could earn a spot as cannon fodder in the playoffs.

I need a drink.

Who Wants to Learn More About a Veteran Long Snapper?

Anyone? Because Sid Hartman wrote a very nice article about Vikings Long Snapper Cullen Loeffler. He didn't make fun of his name once, which is clearly bullshit.

But if you've ever wondered about the thought-process of a long snapper, than this is your article!

ESPN Supports Terrorism By Undermining U.S. Army

So great is ESPN's hatred of America that they are actually using high school football players to augment their mission of sabotage.

America, and the Americans who love it, will be treated to the U.S. Army All-American Bowl on January 5th. The game features the best high school players in the country who will have one last chance to jeopardize their college scholarships by injuring themselves in a meaningless game in order to promote the U.S. Army.

ESPN, in an attempt to destroy freedom, chose to have their selected high school seniors play in the Under Armour High School All-American Game on the same day at virtually the same time.

The effect of this "Bin Laden Bowl" could be devastating to Army recruitment, further embiggening the terrorists at home and abroad.

Doug Berman, a promoter of the U.S. Army All-American Bowl, said "We felt a bit sandbagged," a subtle reference to what American troops have to hide behind while force-feeding democracy to Iraq.

He further described ESPN's actions as an "unpatriotic undertaking" and characterized ESPN's "attempt to undercut" his all-star game as yet another "effort to undermine our Army."

U.S. Army Colonel David Lee must be disappointed that ESPN has mustered its considerable (possibly drug-funded) financial resources in an effort to silence the Army's promotional sponsorship of the U.S. Army All-American Bowl: "We use this as we use NASCAR, the NHRA and the Essence Music Festival. It's to tell America what the Army is like."

ESPN doesn't want you to know that the U.S. Army is just like rednecks driving in a circle, rednecks driving in a straight line and "nearly 200,000 of the best-dressed, fun-loving, talented,and committed people in the nation."

Why would they want to destroy the twin towers of American sportsmanship?

Because they hate our Freedom.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Miguel Tejada to the Astros for Guys I Don't Know

I've followed by old hometown baseball franchise fitfully since I left the DC-Baltimore economic corridor, but they've always enjoyed a soft spot in my heart (the part of my heart not covered in arterial plaque).

And I've been wishing them well from afar. I've been very excited to watch the development of Erik Bedard (who, now that he is good, is on the trading block). I was very very excited when the O's acquired Tejada back in the day. But I'm very happy to see him gone.

I'll let the more Baltimore-centric folks over at The Loss Column weigh in on the merits of the trade. Anything factual I wrote about it would have been cribbed from them anyway.

I will say this--any overly large 31 year old man who gets pissy about moving away from shortstop isn't looking to be a team player. Cal Ripken Jr moved over to third without complaining. Smell ya later, Miguel!

Steve McClaren Won Something

As many of you know, the English National Soccer Team has had some issues of late, and quite a few commentators and fans placed the Three Lion's share of the blame on the now former skipper of the squad, Steve McClaren.

But just yesterday, McClaren took home a prize of his very own: "The Foot in the Mouth" award from the Plain English campaign. He beat out our own President Bush. Amazing.

McClaren's winning effort was this comment on one of England's biggest drunks stars, Wayne Rooney: "He is inexperienced but he's experienced in terms of what he's been through."

Steve fail English? That's unpossible!

via Neatorama

Bobby Petrino Doesn't It Like It, Wants to Leave

I can't imagine quitting and running back to college just a day after an embarassing defeat. You are essentially admitting that you can't hack it at the pro-level. Bobby Petrino did just that late last night.

We don't have much else to say about that, because who in their right mind gives two shits about the Atlanta Falcons. Oh, that's right--the Head Chick in Charge does. If I were you, I'd check her blog reguarly today, as she is no doubt getting ready to put the hammer down.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

We Wear The Silver, We Wear The Black....

Miwacar alluded to this in a previous comment, but he didn't do justice to how incredibly wonderful and life-altering this video is to all who view it. It definitely deserves its own posting.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Hail Mighty Redmen!!!

With all due respect to the vaunted history of the Skins, I do believe any discussion of their greatest plays must include the following...

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Washington Redskins: The Greatest Play

In the spirit of celebrating the 75 Badass years of the Washington Redskins, this classic play was chosen as the greatest Redskins play of all time.

While the two Brunell to Moss TDs to beat Dallas in 2005 came in third, Sean Taylor's return of a blocked Dallas FG to secure a 2006 win was worth an honorable mention and numerous other highlights deserved their consideration, I do believe the democratic process has gotten it right. Behold:

NFL Wildcard Race: Class Struggle

The NFL's quest for parity has actually yielded a rigid class structure. The vast majority of the league is the stinking, foul lumpenproletariat whose 2007 season was "solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short" (e.g. the Raiders), according to Thomas Hobbes, and not worth mentioning on this site ever again.

The elite ruling class in both conferences (Pats & Colts, Cows & Pack) have been easily identified for most of the season by the blood on their whitewall tires and the undignified fawning by sportsjacks, "a new kind of parasite in the guise of company promoters, speculators and merely nominal directors" as Marx has it.

This leaves a thin managerial class, the division champs who are not a real threat to the elites who own the means of production. The bourgeoisie (Bucs & Seahawks, Steelers and Chargers) are only interested in maintaining the status quo but know better than to over-reach their station. As Marx considered it, "the battle of competition is fought by the cheapening of commodities."

But since I am a friend of the middle class, I'm going to start my analysis of the 2007 playoffs with the petit bourgeoisie: the wildcard hopefuls.

National Football Conference

1. New York Giants (9-4)
The Giants have survived erratic QB play and injuries to RBs on the strength of an excellent pass rush and a surprisingly disciplined offensive line. They've narrowly won their last two games.
Challenging Schedule: Washington, at Buffalo, New England (66% wins)
Prognosis: Almost Certain. Even if the Giants lose out, they will still have a good chance at making the playoffs.

2. Minnesota Vikings (7-6)
Minnesota's late-season surge may be an indication that Childress's one-dimensional approach is finally paying off. Or it may be an indication that their schedule is softer than a fuzzy Xmas sweater. Their four-game win streak only featured one team with a winning record ... but that was the Giants, giving the Vikings a potential tie-breaker.
Easy Schedule: Chicago, Washington, at Denver (44% wins)
Prognosis: Good Chance. Who knew that the Dec 23rd match between the Vikes and Skins would actually mean something for the playoffs?

3. Washington Redskins (6-7)
The Redskins are a middle-pack team and will finish out the season with their second-string QB. Nevertheless, they control their own destiny, like Time Bandits. They hold the tie-breaker over Detroit.
Hardest Schedule: at New York, at Minnesota, Dallas (78% wins)
Prognosis: Unlikely. They are physically and emotionally depleted; can Gibbs rally his grandchildren?

4. Arizona Cardinals (6-7)
This pathetic house of Cards is broken, bruised and unable to compete against sad-sack opponents. The only people who should be surprised are the wicked retahded sportsjacks who favor WRs over linemen. Draft another WR, bitches!
Pathetic Schedule: at New Orleans, Atlanta, St. Louis (28% wins)
Prognosis: Unlikely. Although they have a laughable schedule, they are out of weapons. And it's Arizona, for fuck's sake.

5. Detroit Lions (6-7)
Paper lions, indeed. While they were competitive in their loss to Dallas, they still lost their fifth game in a row. The only people who should be surprised are the wicked retahded sportsjacks who favor WRs over lineman. Draft another WR, bitches!
Road Warrior Schedule: at San Diego, Kansas Shitty, at Green Bay (59% wins)
Prognosis: Unlikely. They face two division winners on the road, and you know they can't play outside.

American Football Conference

1. Jacksonville Jaguars (9-4)
The Jags are a team that no one will want to face in the playoffs. They have a dominant defense, a strong & versatile running attack and a young, efficient QB. Although they'll be the #5 seed in the AFC, I do believe they are the third or fourth best team in the entire league. Their four losses: by three to TN (first game of the season), Saints (without Garrard), Indy twice.
Decent Schedule: at Pittsburgh, Oaktown, at Houston (48% wins)
Prognosis: Guaranteed. While perhaps a year away from contending, this team is balanced and hungry. Coach Del Rio looks like a genius for choosing Garrard over Gary "Leftwich" Coleman.

2. Cleveland Browns (8-5)
Yeah, I know. They've only beaten one team with a winning record: lousy Seattle by three, in OT, in Cleveland. Remember, this is a team that lost to the Raiders. Still, the Browns are contending for the AFC Central title -- though the inconsistent Steelers have the tie-breaker and face opponents with 41% wins. The Browns have the best return game in the NFL.
Weak Schedule: Buffalo, at Cincy, San Fran (38% wins)
Prognosis: Likely. It's hard not to root for these overachieers, but they have no defense whatsoever.

4. Tennessee Titans (7-6)
A very strong defense and running game, sometimes undone by an inconsistent passing game that is hindered by dropped passes and gameplans that don't play to QB Young's strengths. If this team falls behind they have trouble coming back.
Easy Schedule: Kansas Shitty, NY Jets, at Indy (46% wins, but Indy will almost certainly play its 2nd string)
Prognosis: Possible. They need to play perfect football as well as help to make the playoffs, and that might not be possible this year.

5. Buffalo Bills (7-6)
Give them credit for continuing to try. Nevertheless, they have yet to beat a team with a winning record. They are strictly middle-pack, but have edged other middle-pack teams enough to still be in contention.
Challenging Schedule: at Cleveland, NY Giants, at Philly (56% wins)
Prognosis: Very Unlikely. Poor coaching and a road-heavy schedule will sink this young team.

1. Green Bay Packers (+5)
2. Washington Redskins (0)
3. Minnesota Vikings (-1)
4. Detroit Lions (-1)
5. Oakland Raiders (-3)

The Oakland Raiders are officially the very worst team in the entire IDYFT foster family. So suck on that!

Nicely Done Timberpuppies

It was exactly one game, and it was the 5th game in a five game road trip for the Phoenix Suns, but the Timberpuppies showed tonight what they could be.

The Wolves beat the Suns, without the services of Antoine Walker or Randy Foye.

And now, based on this one win, it may be time to say that the braintrust of the Wolves finally have a plan. I think it likely that this team will continue to win about 1 out of 6 games, but the pieces we're seeing are exciting.

Al Jefferson is everything advertised and more. In 3 years, we will look at what Al Jefferson has done, and compare it to what Kevin Garnett would have done, and statistically, it will probably favor Al.

Corey Brewer, who I was high on from the start, has struggled a bit offensively, but has been everywhere everywhere else. His defense, his boarding, his assists--he's been exactly the rookie I had hoped he would be. He'll only get better on the offensive end, and when he does, look the fuck out.

Rashad McCants is exactly like the young team in microcosm. He forced shots early, but kept shooting, and hit two Huge back-to-back three pointers. He never looked great on the court, but he kept fighting. If the team as a whole can do that, and not make too many stupid mistakes, they'll be fun to watch.

Craig Smith and Chris Richard combined will be the bangers in the front court that Garnett never got. Jefferson will learn to love these guys. Both are somewhat undersized in terms of height, but bring a ton of mass to the court. Smith has suprisingly subtle post moves. Richard isn't subtle or surprising anywhere. He just fucking bangs. And that's something the Wolves have been missing since forever.

Ryan Gomes is clearly streaky, and a bit of a wildcard, but when he gets hot, he is extremely dangerous. a forward who prefers to step out and hit the deep shot, if he can do it with regularity, is a dangerous offensive player. We'll see if his defense merits him staying on the floor more. Same with fellow Celtic transfer Gerald Green.

Point guard is where the Wolves are really weak, on paper. But Randy Foye has been injured, and Sebastion Telfair and Marko Jaric have been quite well. Jaric, of course, is playing to be the man who finally gets into the velvet curtains of Adriana Lima. We wish him well. But Telfair looks like the better all around guard.

We will see what this team can do, but if this game is a sneak peek at the 2009 Wolves, than fans should be signing up for season tickets right now.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Bob Sansevere is Aggressively Stupid

It was easy, as a Twins fan, to get caught up in the Winter Meetings. How much can we get for Santana? Can we keep him? Can we rake the Yankees over the coals? No one here in Minnesota wants to see Santana in pinstripes, or to become part of the Minnesota Twins East franchise aka the Boston Red Sox. But we aren't blind. Clearly, the most likely scenario is that Santana gets traded, and the Twins get a handful of propects, who, if they succeed, will get traded away for prospects in 3-5 years.

But we all knew what the guiding terms were probably going to be. We had read rotowire, and was going to bring in, in almost any package mentioned: One can't miss prospect, One damn good prospect, and One we'll wait and see prospect.

The Twins have obviously been arguing to whoever will listen that by getting Santana, they are getting the best left-handed pitcher in baseball. They are right to do so. He should be worth at least two quality prospects. He's only 29, his game is hardly all about power (those of us who've seen hitters twist their bodies around trying to slow down for his change up know this), and despite an off year, he was still in top 3 statistically of any measurable pitcher rubric.

Bob Sansevere, whose idiocy we've documented previously, sees this very reasonable scenario, and decides to up it into Incredibly Stupid, MST3K quality Science Fiction.

Let's break this down by paragraph, shall we?

BS: "If I'm the Twins' general manager, here's what I do. (And I'd do it under duress because I'd be working for a cheapskate owner.) I get on the horn with Boston Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein and say, "You want Johan Santana, right?" "

Hey, the Pohlads are cheap, there's no denying that. But paying what Santana is asking for is feasible for about 3 teams. The Twins not paying a 6 year, $120 million dollar deal doesn't sound cheap to me. It sounds like a bit of common sense. We can assail the Twins for being cheap, and they deserve to assailed for that. But not for not paying that kind of money. Paying $20 million dollars to a 35 year old pitcher is stupid, and some team is going to do that for Santana. God Bless him and the free market, but suggesting only cheapskates don't pay Santana that kind of money is stupid. (not aggressively stupid, though. Sansevere has miles to go).

BS: Then I say, "Tell you what. I'll trade you Santana and Carlos Silva and Joe Nathan."

Then I wait for Epstein to pick the phone up off the floor, and I say, "I don't really want to part with Santana or Nathan, but my owner is a cheapskate and won't pay what it will take to sign them long term. So, you give me center fielder Jacoby Ellsbury, second baseman Dustin Pedroia, closer Jonathan Papelbon, starters Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz, and we've got a deal."

And then the rest of us wait for Epstein to remind Sansevere that Carlos Silva is a free agent, and isn't actually a bargaining chip for the Twin's use at all. And then Epstein, and the rest of us laugh at stupid, lazy, fat, stupid, fat Bob Sansevere.

But just for the fuck of it, let's pretend that Carlos Silva was still under contract to the Twins. Does this Sanserverian Brilliance make any sense then?

Um, no. The Sox have clearly stated that they won't be part of a Santana deal that includes more than 1 of the following players--Lester, Buchholz, and Ellsbury. Any trade with the Sox, it appears, could feature no more than 1 of those players. Maybe Lester and Ellbury, but certainly not Buchholz. In Sansevere's mind, the Sox would jump at giving up their starting 2nd baseman and Buchholz for Carlos fucking Silva. That's retarded.

And then, the Sox would apparently trade their perfectly dominant closer Papelbon for the Twins dominant closer Nathan. The only difference betweeen the two? About eight years. I love Twitchy Joe, and I hope he retires as a Twin. But I'm not so stupid to think he's trade bait to a team that has Papelbon. Who could possibly think that?

Oh, right. Stupid old fat Sansevere. But not aggressively stupid, not yet. That's coming.

BS: Meantime, the Twins significantly reduce their payroll, making owner Carl Pohlad giddy, and they get one of the game's best young center fielders (Ellsbury), the game's best young closer (Papelbon), a terrific young second baseman (Pedroia) and two promising young pitchers (Lester and Buchholz).

Wow, all the problems with this.
1. Ellsbury is a slap-hitting RBI maker with good defensive skills. He's not THAT special.
2. Papelbon is a special pitcher, and young. Why would the Red Sox trade for a guy almost 10 years older to fulfill Papelbon's role? Sansevere never explains that.
3. I've never heard the Sox even mention in passing that Pedroia was available for trades. His name has NEVER come up. (Nor has Papelbon's).
4. Young "Promising" pitchers? Lester pitched 6 no-hit innings. He isn't "promising". He's arrived.
5. Sansevere seems to be thinking in terms of what will be good for the Twins, without a second thought about what would be good for the Sox. They are willing to give up prospects, not established players. And, again, it is worth mentioning--Carlos Silva is a free agent.

I'd forgive that kind of mistake from a fellow blogger. But Bob is paid money-lots of money--to know, and then write about sports. That column was probably read by tens of thousands of people. And the very basis of it was wrong-headed, and ignorant, and stupid.

But I do believe I promised Aggressive Stupidity. Here is is:

BS: I have just one question: What's Twins general manager Bill Smith waiting for? He should have this deal done by now.

Aside from the fact that deal is impossible, and Theo Epstein isn't some dumb kid willing to trade away The Yaz with Sideburns for Radioactive Man #1, and that Bill Smith is probably assuming that the General Managers around the league know, like every somewhat serious fan knows, that Silva is a free agent, Sansevere makes a good point.

Which is to say, Sansevere's entire thesis is fucking garbage. He got paid to write that. He should be ashamed. People who write about sports for free know more than he does. Demonstrably.

Bob Sansevere, you owe a pay check to the charity of your choice, because you clearly were taking charity when you got paid for that idiocy. You stupid, fat, worthless piece of shit.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Internet Animals on Strike

Trouble brewin'.

We're Number 7 for Fun!

Business Journal ranked 50 urban areas for "Fun" and the Twin Cities placed Number Seven.

One of the secrets of our success? All the gambling!

So suck on that, Pennsylvania cities and Providence. And we're coming for ya, Seattle.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

A Thrilling Finish in an Empty Room

The Timberwolves fell to the Atlanta Hawks on a last-second shot. It was a game that featured two teams that aren't going anywhere this year, but also featured comebacks, some exciting young players establishing their game (Corey Brewer, on an off shooting night, was fucking everywhere on the court--grabbing offensive rebounds, throwing interior bounce passes for easy lay-ups, etc), and a game in flux until the final buzzer.

But for the Hawks, it must have been like have a spectacularly good orgasm whilst masturbating. That arena was fucking empty. No one was there. The announced attendance was a fucking joke--12,000. Counting sold tickets has officially become the most ridiculous way to count heads ever. Especially when there are so few people that you could literally count heads. I'm pretty sure I played in front of more people during a particularly important high school soccer game. I know for a fact that I've competed in Track & Field events in front of more people than were in the Atlanta arena. I've never seen anything like it. The upper deck was basically empty; the bottom tier had little groups of people--they stood out in relief against the ocean of empty seats.

So how are the Atlanta Hawks still a viable franchise? I haven't a clue. They need to clone Mookie Blaylock and Dominique, and build their own team of supermen. That's the only thing that's going to get asses in the seats in a shitty sports town like Atlanta.

Noble Redskins Satisfied With Sloppy Seconds From Bears

I tried to watch the livestream of this game via the intertubes and it was incredibly annoying. As opposed to last week's game, there was virtually no live coverage. The closest they got was sideline interviews during the action. I switched to listening to the live Redskins radio broadcast by the second quarter. If NFL network thinks they can get me to order up Dish ultra-premium by pissing me off, they got the wrong half-Jew.

The first half was ugly. Both starting QB's went down with season-ending knee injuries (although calling Gross Rexman a QB requires a lot of the Hanukah spirit). The Redskins have a sordid history of letting 2nd string QBs tear them up, and in this case Brian Griese (a starter for much of this year) looked poised to do the same. Meanwhile, the Redskins backup, Todd Collins, hadn't played a regular season game since 2004.

I expected special teams to be the deciding factor in this game featuring two decent defenses and two bad offenses. The Redskins refused to give Hester any opportunities, but didn't get much out of their own return games. They missed two FGs in the first half, but managed to block a Bears FG.

Whether because of the short week (both teams only had three days off), the cold conditions or violent desperation, injuries began to mount. In addition to losing Campbell to a dislocated kneecap (ouch), they lost CB Smoot, RG Thomas, RB Portis and TE Cooley. While Cooley and Portis returned, their backups were instrumental in the victory.

With two backup QBs on the field, the defenses keyed on the run. CB Shawn Springs jumped an out pattern late in the half, setting up a TD pass from backup QB Collins to backup TE Yoder. Springs intercepted Griese's very next pass to send the Redskins into the locker room with a 7-0 lead.

After a long courtship of feeling each other up, both teams began to jiggle the bean effectively in the second half. Collins proved his worth as an exceptionally prepared QB who made up for his lack of mobility or big-time arm with quick decisions and a nice touch on the ball. He finished the game 15 for 20, 224 yards (54 on a screen pass to Portis) and 2 TDs (the second to Portis's backup, RB Betts).

The mighty Twelfth Man of Redskins Field was a determining factor in the victory, forcing the Bears into multiple key false starts and delay-of-games.

It was nice to see another team boof away a game by settling for FGs on 4th and short. In the fourth quarter, the Bears drove to the Redskins one yard line. Cheered on by the biggest attendance in the NFL, the defense guarded the end zone with the fierceness of a young Sean Taylor. On fourth and goal from the four yard line, the Bears kicked a FG to make the score 13-17.

There were less than seven minutes left, Redskins clinging to a four-point lead. I've already seen this go badly five times this season. How would the second-stringers on offense respond? By driving seventy yards for a TD, including three key passes for first downs by Collins. When the Bears took over with four minutes left, they dink and dunked their way to the Redskins four yard line again. It was fourth down, thirty-four seconds left. The score was 13-24. And so they kicked a field goal to make it an eight point game: nice one. Game over.

Incredibly, the Redskins can still be considered in the hunt for a wildcard spot. They may only be moral victories from here on out, but it's better than anything the Bears can serve up.

I will shortly be breaking down the playoff hopes for more legitimate contenders. But I would be remiss if I didn't deliver a Big Love with Cheese to my Redskins, backup QB Collins and the Redskins Twelfth Man. They won the Sloppy Seconds Bowl and that's going to have to be good enough for me.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

In Celebration of Me and My Team. Mostly Me.

The First Annual IDYFT Cup! For me? I'm so humbled...and really wishing I had been a bit mouthier earlier in the season so I could justify some obtuse pro-Packer, anti-the-sucky-teams-of-my-co-contributors gloating. I'll just go with this: it was incredibly easy to beat up on you and your teams who practice losing ways.

With the rest of my acceptance post I'd like to regale you with two of my favorite Green Bay Packer tales.

Tale number one dates back to September 12, 1999 and the GBP season opener at Lambeau Field. Fellow contributors Garwood B. Jones, Jerious Norwood and I piled into a rented car around four a.m. central standard time and made the epic voyage from Madison, WI to lovely Green Bay. Along the way we talked together, grew together, made a slam book and challenged each other to drink an odd concoction of warm strawberry flavored milk, Boston Baked Beans and rotten sauerkraut.

The Packer/Raider rivalry and the potential for some late summer Midwest weather fueled our drive. Lambeau did not disappoint. We splurged for third row end zone seats and stood thirty feet from Donald Driver's last second touchdown catch that delivered a 28-24 Packer victory. We soaked in Lambeau and lots of Miller Lite, but that's not what made this tale worth telling.

During our drive, while drinking the strawbeankraut shake, we hatched a tirelessly common idea to try for some television face time. The time tested plan to get drunk, loud and overly supportive of the home side soon followed.

Upon arrival we found cheese head vendors unusually difficult to find and were lost for a purveyor of green and gold face/body paint. After a poor effort at ostentatious costumery beyond the colloquial cheese head, we propositioned a local and settled on twenty dollars for all the lipstick in her bag. Instead of green and gold body/face paint, I was a maroon "G," Mr. Norwood was a maroon "B," and Mr. Jones was a fire engine red "P."

Despite some obvious shortcomings with our costumes, a healthy dose of drunk and loud helped us achieve our goal. Friends and family in Wisconsin reported that we were featured in nearly every quarter. Due to the national broadcast we heard from friends on both coasts of our new found stardom. My mother reported that we were shirtless.

The coup, however, came when the Madison Fox affiliate regularly wove images of the three of us into their weekly promotional montage. Even better, an emphatic first down signal from Garwood was one of five images shown during the three second promotional montage that aired all the freaking time from September to January of 1999 during the syndicated Simpsons hour.

I would agree that we each achieved our fifteen minutes that day.

Tale number two brings us to the recent past and the Packers victory over the Carolina Panthers on November 18, 2007. I was in New York City visiting my younger sister and watched the game at a homey little West Village hangout called Kettle of Fish. "The Kettle" is known as a meeting place for Green Bay Packer fans and gay tourists (check the first Google hit). It is also the second best place to watch a game.

The place is wall-to-wall with green and gold and the patrons make proud Wisconsin's status as the binge drinking leader. Bartenders understand that Bloody Marys come with a beer back and Miller Lite is a Manhattan low two dollars-ish (I was drunk early). The crowd is raucous and dispenses high-fives liberally. The collective knowledge of Packer history makes for great anecdotes and spirited jousting over GBP highs and lows. In short, a good place to watch football for the common fan no matter what color your stripes.

The Kettle's owner is a Wisconsin native with the good sense to pass out free cheese and sausage at kickoff and a steady influx of sausages throughout the game. The decor is straight from a northern Wisconsin tavern, and nearly every patron is within two degrees in the relationship sort of way.

I was embarrassed to not know all the words as I joined animated patrons singing along to "I Love My Green Bay Packers" after every touchdown. Once the game was comfortably in hand the crowd fought off a boring fourth quarter with choruses of "The Bears Still Suck" and "The Minnesota Vikings Are Just a Pile of Junk" (I again suffered as one of the few present to not know all the words).

That Sunday we exchanged high-fives and remarked with astonishment that we were 9-1. We were also pretty confident that the Cowboys would be toast (our over confidence can easily be blamed on my sister who insisted that we start shooting liquor while it was still light outside).

Being a Packer fan is a rich tapestry of booze, tubed meat and yelling.

And your teams are purely evil (Raiders), historically inept (Vikings), stupidly racist (Redskins) and just plain stupid (Lions).

I really, really dislike all of your favorite teams.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Bowie Kuhn: MLB Hall of Fame?

(updated) (updated again)

Bowie Kuhn, Commissioner of the MLB from 1969 to 1984 was inducted into the Hall of Fame today. The AP is reporting that labor's opposite number of Kuhn, Marvin Miller, has been snubbed, and is kind of pissed:

"It's demeaning, the whole thing, and I don't mean just to me. It's demeaning to the Hall and demeaning to the people in it,'' Miller said.

And that isn't just sour grapes, people. Again, the AP in their "we'll let you draw your own conclusions here" way, points out this: "In the vote earlier this year,...Kuhn [received] 17 percent [of the vote], while Miller received 63 percent."

So what changed? They changed the entire structure of the Veterans Committee. And Miller thinks it was done to get figures unpopular with players into the Hall (like, say, Bowie Kuhn). Owners and executives now vote on owners, executives, and "pioneers" like Miller. So, basically Marvin Miller is now screwed, and Bowie Kuhn gets a free pass into the Hall.

Why does any of this matter? Well, Bowie Kuhn, as we documented, was a bit of a dick. He made it into our Sports Legion of Doom. The argument for him being included in the Legion of Doom was masterfully handled by occasional contributor "Barnyard" who is a law-talkin' guy who knows a thing or two about labor issues. You can read his entire post here, but I do want to quote the more salient points:

"So then, Bowie Kuhn. Well, he was the a-hole who made the last great stand against free agency. He was the guy who cut Curt Flood's career short and fought for a system so despicably one-sided that Curt Flood was comparing the reserve clause to slavery (in 1969, no less) and calling the Philadelphia fans racists (Flood unsuccessfully challenged the reserve clause when he fought his trade from St. Louis to Philadelphia, citing the racism of Philly fans as a reason for denying the trade).

Kuhn's attorney during Flood v. Kuhn alleged that Bowie acted the way he did "for the good of the game," birthing the continual hoax that owners of major sports teams are perpetually taken advantage of by greedy players while owners' sole motivation is akin to a young lad's first trip to the ol' ball park with dad. Oh, it is so sweet to see the new owner of a major league team score along in the program for the very first time: "mark it down as E1, son."

Bowie's evil legacy will forever be the last guy who fought for the ulimate symbol of owners' greed.

Oh yeah, he was also the prick who argued against the inclusion of Negro League baseball players into the Hall of Fame, and then tried to get their plaques placed in a separate wing of the Hall."

So, perhaps it is no surprise that Owners and Executives love the guy--a fond time in memory when owners called the shots, and the players were just so much chattel. And why Marvin Miller didn't get in. To quote the AP again, "Miller was leading the players to more lucrative and revolutionary gains, taking the average salary from $19,000 to $241,000 and pitching a virtual shutout against the owners in arbitration and collective bargaining." Miller represents the guy who ruined the happy easy salad days that Bowie Kuhn fought so hard to hold onto.

Or as Bud Selig put it: "I am particularly pleased that former commissioner Bowie Kuhn is among those who have received this great honor,'' current commissioner Bud Selig said. "Bowie was a close friend and a respected leader who served as commissioner during an important period in history, amid a time of change.''

Particularly pleased to honor a guy who attempted to strangle free agency in its crib, to keep power in the hands of the owners no matter what, and a guy who got his ass handed to him by Marvin Miller time and time again. Oh, Bud, you so crazy.

UPDATE: Another AP article gets reaction from Donald Fehr, who sums the whole issue up pretty neatly: "Over the entire scope of the last half of the 20th century, no other individual had as much influence on the game of baseball as did Marvin Miller," Fehr said. "Because he was the players' voice, and represented them vigorously, Marvin Miller was the owners' adversary. This time around, a majority of those voting were owner representatives, and results of the vote demonstrate the effect that had."

UPDATE again: King Kaufman is nicer than we are, but still thinks that Bowie Kuhn is a stupid fucking choice. Favorite sentence: "Putting Kuhn into the Hall of Fame before Miller is like voting for the Washington Generals as the greatest basketball team of all time."
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