I Dislike Your Favorite Team

England vs. Portugal These are two teams who aren't looking great, but winning or tying games when they need to. England has been almost impressively unimpressive thus far, inspiring thousands, if not millions of people to say, "How did they get this far?" whilst scratching their heads. Perhaps some of them have even asked, "What's all this then?" while dressed as Graham Chapman, and presumably a bit high.

Portugal will be missing at least half their midfield, which should be a huge advantage for England. Biggest question in this match is whether right-winger/pretty-boy/dangerous motherfucker Christiano Ronaldo is going to play, and if he does play, how effective will he really be? The English defense has played well thus far, but they have yet to play against a player as creative and quick and lethal as Ronaldo is when he is healthy.

Apparently, for some reason, England is excited to have rather overrated defender Gary Neville back in the line-up. I don't understand the collective masturbatory exhalation over the news that Gary is fit to play, but they seem to think that's a big deal.

Portugal is going to have to shuffle a line-up that had finally started to look pretty good, if a bit cynical in its approach to defense. England will be starting basically the same team, with the aforementioned "bonus" of Neville. But again, they haven't played well once yet. They keep talking about not reaching their potential, but they've played a number of games now, and I think it is time to discuss how the whole sometimes doesn't equal the parts. Maybe this a group of talented individuals, but not a very good team.

There are almost an impossible number of variables in this game (well, any soccer game, really, but this one seems particularly convoluted), and any prediction made without knowing the health of Ronaldo seems silly, but I'm comfy with silly. And stupid. And being considered a bit of a rube. So be it.

But let's pick an overlooked variable. Goalkeeping. Robinson has looked a bit sketchy the few times he has been tested, as has Ricardo. But Robinson has looked particularly lost at times, and while they may fly against the underacheivers they've played thus far, I guarantee that Pauleta, king of the Garbage Men, will punish any mistake made in the box. And don't forget that Figo was once considered the Best Player in the World, by no less of an authority than Figo. He'll also punish mistakes. Who is going to punish Ricardo's mistakes? The goofy tall guy, or the pub thug who hasn't scored a goal in World Cup play (including qualifiers) yet?

Prediction: Portugal 2, England 1


Brazil vs. France First things first, if John Harkes is doing the commentary for this game, listen to how he pronounces "France." Half the time, it is the American, flat 'a' "France", and the other half of the time, he pronounces it with the Frenchian Accent, ala "Frounce". It's very distracting once you notice it. So now you'll notice it. Suckah.

OK, so France looked like warmed over shit throughout the first round, and didn't really look like a team to worry about until their last game. But that was against Spain, a team with a rich and well-storied history of finding ways to choke themselves like Michael Hutchence.

Brazil has no such history. Their most disappointing exit in recent years in fact was against the French in the 1998 World Cup, when Zidane went all bitchcakes on them. The Brazilians swear they aren't thinking about that game, but I do declare horseshit on that one. One of the reasons France won that game was their game plan of kicking Ronaldo in the knees every chance they got. It was an ugly, chippy game, with a few moments of brilliance. But there's no way that Ronaldo has forgotten that game.

Goalkeeping is again a huge issue in this game. Dida got flat-out lucky against Ghana--woodwork and his legs accidently saved a couple of goals. Counting on your goalkeeper being lucky isn't a great strategy. Counting on your goalkeeper not going totally apeshit isn't a very good strategy when your netminder is Fabien Barthez, either. Barthez usually makes a very big mistake in a big game. He hasn't done it yet. The laws of diminishing returns, or Schroedinger's Cat, or Game Theory says his fuck up is coming soon.

Zidane didn't train on Thursday, which could be to protect the 34 year old, and keep him fresh, or he could be nursing a hidden injury. That would be a huge deal, obviously.

There are players to watch in this match, obviously. Every team that France has played has had trouble containing Riberry, if he gets the ball in a decent position, he runs at defenses with pace and a willingness to shoot from anywhere. Brazil's defense is often maligned, and often deservedly, but they've been playing decently this cup. Can they contain Riberry? They'll need to.

Juninho is a dangerous player for Brazil who wasn't got a lot of clock yet, but he is set to start this game. He's like a slightly bigger, less pretty player than Kaka. But make no mistake, he cant set up an attack and then chill out 20 yards away from net, and hit absolute thunderclaps. Kaka and Juninho in the same midfield causes massive headaches for the French, as both can penetrate a defense, shoot well, and lay off well timed through balls.

I've thought the French were out of their league for a quite a time now, and while I was impressed with their work against perenially early exiters Spain, I think they are really, really over their heads now.

If Brazil plays with the kind of urgency they've only hinted at occasionally this Cup, not only will they win, they will win very convincingly. But Brazil has seemed content to play some sort of Advanced Keep-Away for a lot of this tournie. Will they really put the hammer down in this game? If they can't get up to crush France, there isn't a team that they can get up for. If they don't blow the fucking doors off France, than I think Germany or Italy becomes the new favorite to hoist the cup.

Prediction: France 1, Brazil 4 (one goal very late)

Germany 1, Argentina 1, Germany Advances on PK's

This game pretty much lived up to the hype. Lots of attacking both ways. What I enjoyed about this game had to do as much with pace than anything else. There would be moments when it felt like both teams had shut down for the match--people too tired, or playing for PK's, or whatever, and then suddenly, there would be a brilliant run, by Tevez or Lahm or somebody, and a near chance would come roaring into the box.

Admittedly, it was a bit of a slow start, 0-0 at half, and the first 10 minutes being officiated like some of the matches we've seen previously, which is to say, "overly officiated". I'm not sure why I put that in quotes. I'm quoting myself, I suppose. But the officiating got better as the half wore on, and so did the number of attacks, though quality wise it was a bit lacking. Still, it was an entertaining back and forth all the same.

Argentina struck first, in the 49th minute, off a corner kick. Rightback Ayala (who had a great overall game) shook off Klose's not very close marking and powered a header BACK WHERE IT CAME FROM, at the near post-ish area. Lehmann couldn't get to it, and Lahm, camped out on the post, couldn't get his foot to the ball.

The game truly opened up here, in part because of Argentina's score, and in part because of some bad luck and questionable substituting by Argentina. In the 65th minute or so, Argentinian netminder Abbondanzieri took a shot to the hip while corralling a corner, and while he tried to play on, it became clear he couldn't (first hint? Collapsing on the pitch). So in the 70th minute, Argentina had to blow one of their 3 subs to change keepers. Which was a shame, but maybe it is for the best that Argentinian skipper Pekerman was not able to sub 3 field players, because he made some odd decisions.

In my preview I said that I hoped Argentina would play phenom Lionel Messi for at least 45 minutes. He didn't play a single minute. I also talked about the importance of Riquelme who was subbed out for Cambiasso, who has some of the worst hair seen on a soccer pitch since Letchkov. I hate defensive subs with anything more than 10 minutes left in a game, and this appears to have been exactly that. No Messi, No Saviola. Questionable moves in my mind by Pekerman, and he appears to have agreed, as he resigned by the middle of the next match.

Germany tied up the game in pretty classic German fashion. Free kick from Ballack on the left side flicked on by Borowski to (who else) Klose, who had beaten Sorin so badly that I'm still a little uncertain how it happened. It's fucking Klose! How could anyone be not goalside AND not ballside of him? He made Sorin pay for it, as it was a rippin' header finish in the 80th minute.

The overtime was played fairly cautiously, but both teams got their chances. The PK's were Lehmann's dance. He guessed the direction of every shot taken by the Argentinians, and stopped two of them. Poor back-up keeper Franco didn't stop a one, and didn't even guess the right way for most of them.

I would have never picked Argentina to win if I knew that Riquelme was going to be subbed out as early as he was, or that Abbondanzieri would leave the game, or that fucking Messi wouldn't play a minute. I find that decision harder to justify than Van Basten leaving Nistelroy out of the last Dutch game.

There was also a pretty sweet kerfluffle at the end of the match. I'm not sure what it was about, but Heinze (of Argentina) went after German Assistant Coach (and Klose's spiritual daddy) Oliver Bierhoff with a righteous fury that suggests to me that Bierhoff said something like "Yo momma's so stoopid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch." Regardless, it was a great game.


Italy 3, Ukraine 0

The first 65 minutes of this game were much more compelling than you'd think from the score. Especially considering how early Italy pumped in their first goal. in the 6th minute, Zambrotta made a gorgeous run, sparking an attack that ended with him with the ball about 18 yards out, with a mind to unleash a vicious left-footed, near post shot that never got more than a foot off the ground.

I've decided that more than any other team, Italy plays not to the level of the other team, but to the level of the officiating. As long as they get calls, they will continue to push the envelope of the dive (like against the US). But against Ukraine, their dives were ignored, and they while they didn't stop diving, they also didn't linger as long as the ground, and I swear after one dive, an Italian player had the biggest shit-eating grin on his face I've seen in a while. This was the best I've seen the Italians play this cup. They weren't a bunch of Danny Ainges and John Stocktons. They were a bunch of Larry Birds!

But considering the quick goal, Ukraine didn't fold up its tents right off the bat. They came at Buffon early and often, and though through the first half he wasn't tested too much, the Italian defense certainly was.

In the second half, Buffon was tested, as was his woodwork, which got pelted more than once. Buffon was up to the challenge, even stopping a point-blank rebound shot, and the woodwork was with the Italians, as the richochets bounced away harmlessly.

With Ukraine pushing hard, the Italian counter-attack proved to be deadly, and Luci Toni scored a relatively easy header to put the game out of reach, and then scored an even easier goal a few minutes later to really nail the Ukrainian's coffin shut. Better game than the score suggests--it wasn't a blow out until only 15 minutes were left in the game. And the Italians played the aggressive, attacking soccer that got them into the tournament in the first place. Good to see.

Italy vs. Germany, if they both play the way they did today, should be awesome.

It's Friday, stuck at work, don't want to know the results, because you are planning on watching the games? Scared to even visit Yahoo, or Google, in fear they may reveal results?

Here you go, online games a plenty, that won't reveal a result, but will give you your soccer fix:

Soccer Challenge (requires some sort of BS registration)

Java 2 on 2 (essentially, a video air hockey table)

Soccer Pong

Free Kick Simulator


thanks to the super powerful timewaster, MilkandCookies.com

Germany vs. Argentina This is the game to TIVO. In a world where there is no Brazil, this is a game that could be considered the Final. Both teams have looked quite impressive in their run. I had assumed going in that Germany was going to need some home-cookin' to get this far, but they have legitimately outplayed everybody they have faced. Klose, Podolowski, and Lahm (out of the left back position) have been creating havoc for opposing teams defense. The German defense has been lock down tight. I can't remember the last time Lehmann has even really been tested in goal. And to their credit, despite having one of the Most Famous Divers of All Time as their head coach, they haven't gone that route. They've played a more exciting brand of the technical kind of German soccer that we've seen in years past. And they've done it without Ballack carrying them, which again, I think we all thought would be necessary. Ballack hasn't played poorly, but he hasn't been the guy I thought he'd have to be for the Germans to get this far. Argentina has been getting good play from their attackers, too, though not really to the extent I thought they would. They've been winning, and they've looked good, but they haven't really dominated in the way I thought they might. Then again, they were coming out of a psuedo Group of Death (sorry, but Serbia didn't live up to their billing as Giant Killers, and Ghana did) . Riquelme still keys this offense, and I think central midfield is one of the places that Argentina has a clear advantage over Germany. Argentina also boasts a great group of strikers, and they have been very effective as well.

In the end, this game may come down to who's young speedy disrupter is more effective. Lahm starts for Germany. Will Argentina give Messi at least 45 minutes?

It's going to be a great game.

Prediction: Argentina 3, Germany 2 (in extra time)


Italy vs. Ukraine. Ugh. These teams both seemed to be full of such exciting attacking soccer, and they've gotten as far as they have by playing very cynical defense, and pretty cynical offense, too. I think this game will come down to bullshits the referees best, and that's a shame. Unless something very unexpected happens, expect this game to feel like the hangover after the drunken pleasure of the first game. I'm more disappointed in Italy than the Ukraine, which really is a bunch of decent players with one truly super bad-ass in Shevchenko. Italy is a team of fucking superstars, and yet they cheat and whine at every opportunity. To use an American sports analogy, they are a bunch of Larry Birds and Michael Jordans, but they approach the game like a bunch of John Stocktons and Danny Ainges.

Ukraine needs to score first to make this a compelling game. If this goes to PK's, watch out, because Italy has some bad history there. If this game is tied at the end of regulation, and the Ukraine hasn't lost to many players to bullshit red cards, then I think they'll pull it out. If this game ends in regulation, it will be Italy's game.

Prediction: Italy 2, Ukraine 1 (one of Italy's goal will be total bullshit)