Thursday, May 31, 2007

Manchester United Reloads; Settle Down Sir Alex!

So I was reading the soccer headlines at my place to do so, Sanford's Soccer Net, and good Lord, have the Red Devils been busy in the last week or so.

Before I get into what are basically done deals, let's take a quick look at some of the players they are still looking at. To be fair, these men probably are staying with their current clubs, but you never know: Samuel Eto'o, Dimitar Berbatov, Klaas Jan Huntelaar, and Jermaine Defoe. Moving on...

Sir Alex saw sprinty, dribbly Portugese players, and saw that they were good. And so Sir Alex said, "Let There Be More Sprinty Dribby Players in Manchester, but Not Wearing That Wussy Light Blue" And so it was.

Nani, as points out, is "with some good pace, excellent dribbling skills to beat players, and the ability to put the ball just where he wants, he possesses everything a modern winger should. " Some video evidence of that:

And then apparently, Sir Alex noticed that fucking Giggsy, one of the best left-wingers ever to play in the Premiership is actually getting up there in age. I can't believe Giggsy is still playing. I was worshipping him 10 years ago, if not 15. But Sir Alex has decided that it may be time to look for a replacement, and he said, "I love these Portugese Players, but didn't they also teach an entire country how to play soccer, and isn't that country pretty good at soccer? Can we not find a talented winger from Brazil?" And so, they did. Say hello to Anderson.

It should be noted, as it was by Fernando Duerte, that Anderson scored this goal at age 17, with comparisons to Ronaldinho already flying.

To finish up the first couple of weeks of the offseason, Sir Alex Ferguson looked around and said, "Holding Midfield is Good." And so, He Acquired One of the Best Holding Midfielders in the World. Apparently, Owen Hargreaves will be joining the Red Devils on July 1st. You'll notice in that article that Hargreaves departure from Bayern Munich was confirmed by Franz fucking Beckenbauer. I'd like one of my exits to be confirmed by Franz Beckenbauer. Even just leaving a bathroom:

"Franz Beckenbauer confirms that Big Blue Monkey left the bathroom, and that it was kind of stinky after he left."

I'd take that. Why? Because he's fucking Franz Beckenbauer.

And ladies (and gay men, and heterosexual men who can admire a beautiful man)? Owen is awfully pretty, too.

Bad news for the Raiders, Vikings....

The NFL has now banned alcohol for any and all team functions:

"Effective immediately," it reads, "clubs are prohibited from providing alcoholic beverages, including beer, in any club setting, including in locker rooms, practice or office facilities, or while traveling, including on team buses or flights."


"This prohibition extends not only to players, but to all team personnel, as well as to other guests traveling with the team or who have access to club facilities."

Now how are Vikings players gonna convince their "other guests" to engage in some American Pie band camp style auto-manipulation without the aid of alcohol?

However, no stipulation regarding nifty "Ron Mexico TM" brand water bottles has been implemented, so maybe these pros will find another way to the promise land.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Winnie the Pooh Goes to War

“"I don't see much sense in that," said Rabbit.

"No," said Pooh humbly, "there isn't. But there was going to be when I began it. It's just that something happened to it along the way."”

just kiddin'. That's Smokin' Joe Lieberman. Iraq's feeling the Joementum!

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Stay out of the Hidden Valley

Marco Castro, a 17-year-old at Wheaton North High School in Illinois, was sentenced to a fine, community service and two years probation after pleading guilty to misdemeanor disorderly conduct. What sort of conduct, you might ask?

He took a bottle of ranch salad dressing from the school cafeteria into a bathroom and pumped in a load of his creamy jizz. The he returned the ranch dressing to the salad bar.

Castro was expelled and did not graduate.

Castro told police he conceived the zany prank after watching a movie filled with crude stunts (it could have been Teen Wolf Too: electric boogaloo).

In court, the Chicago Bears fan was contrite: "I have no explanation for what I did. I felt bad after I did it."

Fool! You should have told them you were only kidding.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Blogger Round-Up

Let's see what our friends are talking about. Of course, by "friends" we mean "other bloggers who sometimes drive traffic towards us by linking to us, and so we have to repay the favor every once in a while, even if we secretly hate them." If we call them friends, we don't feel like such dirty fucking whores.

Recent discovery (and by "discovery" we mean "he alerted us to his presence". We discovered him much the same way Columbus discovered America) The Sports Couch Potato has what we think must be breaking news on the possibility of Lesley Visser getting into the Arena Football League. From the SCP, we also learned that Visser is married to Dick Stockton, which seems like settling on any number of levels for Visser.

A Price Above Bip Roberts, who occasionally write for us, is attempting to ferret out Anna Kornikovas in other sports. I gotta say I don't agree with most of his selections, but the idea is note-worthy.

The Beautiful Game analyzes the US roster for the up coming Gold Cup. We applaud his ability to find a positive in the inclusion of the wrinkled suck that is Steve Ralston. Steve Ralston couldn't score in a bucket of fannies. Steve Ralston couldn't finish a fucking sandwich. We kind of hate fucking Steve Ralston. TBG thinks he was included to a be a veteran presence. We think that kind of influence should be kept away from our young midfielders. Parents worry about their Boy Scout troop being led by homosexuals, but no one bats an eye at Steve Ralston being the influence on a bunch of young soccer players? The potential for damage is much higher in the latter scenario.

(we don't care for Steve Ralston)

We Are the Postmen have the early heads up on the next empowering lady soccer movie, which apparently has Dermot Mulrooney in it. The Postmen didn't mention the fact that Elisabeth Shue is also in it, who for the last decade and a half, has consistently made us feel funny in our pants.

Fucking Maria Sharapova

Thanks Deadspin!

Strippers, Drugs, Guns & Pitbulls

In a vibrant homage to my famous rap videos, NFL players have been running afoul of new NFL commish Roger Goodell and his stern emphasis on personal conduct. Why do some players risk their lifelong amibtion & plush livelihood with such mundane recklessness? I mean, we all know the deliciously decadent appeal of strippers, drugs, guns, pitbulls and my famous rap videos. But there's more. Outstanding athletes are never punished for their minor youthful transgressions and thus their sense of invulnerability is never breached. They've built up quite a lot of momentum so when they actually collide with the Wall ... well, there's hamburger all over highway.

Who's on the NFL's sHIT LIST?

Former Roommates, Future Cellmates? The Original Odd Couple!
Pacman Jones of the Tennesseee Tits'n'Ass is appealing his yearlong suspension. The coke straw that broke the stripper's back occurred over NBA All-Star & STD Swapmeet Weekend in Las Vegas, the thirsty whore of the American Southwest. Jones showered the stage with stripper-bait ($1 bills), sparking a sparkly, glittery riot. Outside the club, someone in Jones's entourage shot two security guards. One of them, whom Jones allegedly threatened to kill (which would make him an accessory, I believe) will be permanently disabled. I mean handicapable? Uncrippled? Moving right along ...

Chris Henry of the Cincinnati Jailbait is weaving into the oncoming traffic of a lifetime ban from the NFL. His rap sheet reads like the script of one of my really high-production rap videos, with guest appearances by Lucy Lu and the late, great Fred "Rerun" Berry (miss you, buddy). DUI, drug, gun, sex crimes with boozed-up minors and parole violation charges have led to Henry's 8 game suspension and now he's failed a drug test (third violation = year suspension) ... sorry, "they" were only kidding. See you next payday, C. Henry.

Waiting For The Lash
Tank Johnson of the NFC Champion Chicago Shotguns is 6'3 and 300 lbs. That should be enough to impress people in nightclubs. Perhaps, Mr. Tank, if you didn't roll into nightclubs with quite so many bodyguards and guns, you wouldn't have been maced, your best friend wouldn't have been shot to death and you wouldn't have served time for ten weapons charges. Sure was nice of everyone to let you play in the Superbowl, though, wasn't it? 4 1/2 tackles, half a sack. We'll find out after Memorial Day when's the next time you'll be allowed to play ball again.

Mike Vick of the Atlanta Perros is the biggest star to ever face a suspension from the NFL. He has embarrassed himself & the league with silliness and is now associated with animal cruelty, which for some people is a touchy subject (hippies). No, I'm just kidding, here's a photo of a tiny baby Japanese monkey. Vick is a licensed dog-breeder and his legal defense relies on the lack of hard evidence tying him to the felony dogfighting charges. A police informant has stated that he's seen Vick make bets up to $40,000 on dog fights. As ticket-sellingly exciting as Ron Mexico is on the field, he keeps making the league look bad, which is exactly the bee in Goodell's bonnet.

Even douchebags in Congress are getting involved: sniffing free campaign advertising, they might "investigate" the NFL for complicity. This is an elected offical speaking: "It is my hope that the issue of animal fighting will not require us to further investigate the behavior of your athletes."

That's not what Goody wants. His crackdown on Vick could be the defining moment of his legacy. But I bet at this point Goody would like to rope in a whitey at some point, to at least imply racial even-handedness. Remember when Superbowl winner Mark Chmura refused to meet President Clinton because of Clinton's ethics? Whoops. Goody could use something like that, right about now.

Which Caucasian-American NFL player will be the one to balance out Team Suspension? The smart money is definitely on Seabass (Aggravated Sexual Assault on an 8 year old Thai shemale & possession of ether), but I prefer betting with my good 'n' plentys: I say Jerramy Stephens gets his third DUI and sits for a year. And I say it's margaritas, again. Just drink the tequila, sucker. All that sugar and lime and salt makes you go crazy.

DUI remains the most common charge, followed by minor drug possessions -- just like in the general population. The arrest rate in the NFL (2.2%) is actually lower than the general population (4.8%).

Recidivism is the biggest problem: almost 40% of the crimes have been committed by 2.5% of the players.

Character is fate? The loudest and bitchiest positions are also the most likely to get busted: WR & CB. And obviously, the steadiest positions get in trouble the least: OL & QBs.

Anyone care to make a comment about the racial profile of those contrasting positions? Because I'm not going to.

The St. Louis Rams have had the fewest perpetrations since 2000, while the Vikings and Bengals have the most ... some of which featured dildo penetration of strippers. Just like in my famous rap videos.

That Will Do, Giant Pig. That will do.

Jamison Stone has killed an animal far bigger than what most of us will see outside of a zoo or a farm. Master Stone, at 11 years old, seems pretty sure of that: "I probably won't ever kill anything else that big."

The animal in question is one big honking big wild boar. The boar in question was over 9 feet long, and over 1050 pounds. More staggering measurements, from the taxidermist charged with working on this beast: "the animal measured 54 inches around the head, 74 inches around the shoulders and 11 inches from the eyes to the end of its snout." Jamison's dad is hoping to get anywhere from 500 to 700 pounds of sausage from the damn thing.

When reached for comment, Danny Rich asked, "They got pigs out there that big?"*

*Yes, that was a joke based on Anaconda. You're welcome.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Bart Starr: MVP

Ruby Y. Young (hah!), an 81-year-old Texas kook, has pleaded guilty to extortion charges. She wanted $2 million from Hall of Famer and two-time Superbowl MVP Bart Starr of the Green Bay Packers.

Being as Ruby Young is 81, the court gave her a probated sentence in exchange for the promise that she would stop being such a freak.

She had sent letters to Bart Starr (73 years young) threatening to "injure the reputation" of the Golden One unless she received the big jack. She was trying to cash in on an alleged affair 50 years ago.

Bravo. I do believe the window of opportunity (or, in law, the statue of limitations) on extramarital affairs is less than fifty years.

She probably did boff Bart Starr 50 years ago. How could that information possibly be worth $2 million? How many people are even aware that Bart Starr is still alive?

Considering the fact that Bart married his highschool sweetheart, an Alabama lass named Cherry, a little philandering 50 years ago probably isn't worth much cash in 2007. Would it upset his spokesmanship for SecureHorizons, a company designed to get rich (sorry, help with the health care costs) of senior citizens?

As Cherry Star explains, "My husband was protected by an outstanding offensive line during his football career; but in the game of life, I'm glad that we're both protected by SecureHorizons coverage. Bart has always been a true leader, both on the field and on the sidelines. Both of us are excited to continue that tradition of leadership by sharing our own experiences to help America's seniors make better health care coverage decisions when it comes to Medicare."

So fuck you, Osama bin Ruby Y. Young Laden!


Saturday, May 26, 2007

Exeunt Stage Left

Exiting Stage Left isn't just for queer cartoon lions, who think that neckties and cuffs makes up for the lack of pants and shirt.

It it also for bloggers who have children, and decide to look after their kids, instead of entertaining us all. We will miss Bat-Girl, goddamn it. We are still kind of holding out hope that this is somehow a stunt for Sweeps, even though it is a website and not a TV show.

For the record, your faithful six regulars at IDYFT had a combined 3 children between when this thing started (that we know of. Ha-ha. Negligent fatherhood is hilarious!). We're still up and running, and most of us will never pass on our genetic material, because we recognize that our genes are weak, and shouldn't be passed, and/or, no woman in their right mind would let us impregnate them and/or babies are stupid, and we ain't interested in stupid babies.

Regardless, make sure you peruse the Bat-Girl archives of great Lego re-enactments. For some reason, I really love the one in which the Lego Twins go on strike in protest of the horrible scene of Twineptitude they have to take part in.

(Those are the Twins at the bottom of the image, arguing whether they really have to reenact the Twins getting swept by Boston.) That's meta-commentary, people. It is a bit post post-modern, or popomo.

Another fine young person exiting the stage they built is Robbie Fowler, the closest thing Liverpool has had to a god since Lennon got shot and McCartney became such a fucking pussy. I first heard about this from YNBA, on whom we have a bit of a crush on, despite her support of the fucking Carolina Railhawks. Minnesota Thunder for Life, yo! Anyway, how best to celebrate Robbie Fowler's career at Liverpool?

Do we celebrate with his Penalty Kick goal with his infamous simulated celebration of snorting coke? Robbie knocking off a pussy Neville brother in embarrassing fashion? His hat-trick? (with IDYFT fave Stan Collymore assisting on all three).

Fuck it. You get the 5 minute highlight, aptly titled, There's Only One Robbie Fowler.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Sports & Politics

Slam! (online) magazine has set a nifty little pick for Dave Zirin, enabling the "Best Young Sportswriter In America" to get open for a three.

After graduating from The Harvard of the Mississippi in 1996, he has climbed quickly in the world of sports journalism (Stu Scott, you were not invited) by intelligently blending sports & politics. And even though he's obviously a Jewish Commie, I still respect his opinion. Plus, he hangs out with Chuck D.

I thought it might be fun to try blending sports and politics on this site! Here are some study questions to consider:

1. Try expanding No-Wood's "Ultimate Raider Fan" post into an examination of the Death Penalty. For example, now there's one less Raider fan, so it can't be all bad.

2. Is the nickname "Redskins" offensive? Um, probably. But what about other nicknames ... is it possible to finely gauge the incremements of racism? Is "Indians" more offensive than "Braves?" What about "Seminoles?" What happened to the "Fightin Illini?" Is a team called "the Browns" racist? Do these nicknames inject racism into our daily lives, or do they merely mirror what's already inheret in our society?

3. All sports are derived from wargames (as well as chess, go, checkers ... Risk, obviously), and football is the most war-like of them all. Which major sport has evolved the most in progressing away from its original war-nature?

4. Do professional athletes have an obligation to help the poor? What about the owners? What about the government? Can I get a check from each of them?

5. Playing sports is known to be good for people's physical condition. This means that they live longer, get sick less often and are less of a burden on the rest of society. It has been encouraged. But without health coverage, what becomes of the amateur athlete (and citizen of the richest country in the history of the world) who tears himself up? Just how fucked is it that our Congressmen block every attempt to create a unified, universal healthcare system while they themselves and their family all receive total healthcare for the rest of their lives?

6. And what's the deal with airline food?

7. Why aren't we allowed to post photos of huge junkers covered in cocaine on this blog? That's much less offensive than most of the content. Don't we all agree that women's breasts are beautiful, not dirty?

8. What the fuck definition of "sports" includes poker and bowling?

9. Racism and Sexism are always hot topics. Can you give an example of a racist and sexist sentence? Don Imus, we already received yours: you hit it out of the park.

10. Why is religion all over sports? I think it's stupid. Would you care to elaborate?

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Dustin "dirty sanchez" Diamond?

All right, you tube wouldn't link up for me, so:

A TV commercial lead me to this...

Adventures in Reporting

We are mainly a sportsblog, but occasionally, something else catches our eye.

And this headline certainly did that:

'Reggie' the Alligator Believed Captured

Reggie is an alligator that has been living in a Los Angeles park for at least the past two years. He's six and half feet long. The authorities captured an alligator in that same Los Angeles park.

We aren't dealing with Miranda Rights here. Is the modifier "believed" really necessary? How many 6 1/2 foot alligators are living in the LA area? How many fucking alligators are in that park?

Certainly Arnold can take some time out, leave Sacramento, strip to the waist, and punch out any other gators that may be living there, right? If multiple gators are found, which is so unlikely that it boggles the mind, will they be named after other characters from the Archie comic books, or will they be named after other famous dicks in American media? Is there a gator named "Eddie Haskell"; how about "Derek" from Silver Spoons (Jason Bateman's finest work up until "Arrested Development")

My main point is: you got a fucking gator in the middle of Los Angeles. Shouldn't we assume it is Reggie? If the journalists were this careful with their facts when dealing with important matters, we wouldn't be at war right now.

(newest blogroll member, Media/Sports critiquer Sports Couch Potato is rubbing off on me, I guess. And if you've never rubbed off on a potato, then you just haven't lived.)

Just Give Me Some Damn Balls

Me-Shawn Johnson has retired from the NFL. The prototypical whining bitch of a WR, able to get away with tantrums, obscene gestures, holdouts and helmet-throwing because of his occasional flashes of true talent.

Me-Shawn justifies himself: "I've done everything I wanted to do in my career ... I've lived my dream. Now, I'm going to live another dream."

Now we get him doing what he loves best: talking without consequence. According to ESPN executive vice president Norby (Norby?) Williamson, during Me-Shawn's draft-day effort, "He delivered passionate opinions and candid analysis, attributes that will make him a first-rate analyst in his new career."

That's Me-Shawn all right. Passionate with his opinions, candid with his analysis of what's wrong with everybody else.

We're talking about a guy who "wrote" a "book" after his rookie season called Just Give Me The Damn Ball. Christ, even T.O. wrote a book about sharing.

Let's consider some career highlights of this overhyped blowhard. He was the #1 pick by the Jets in 1996. After his rookie season, helping the Jets to a 1-15 record, he released his inflammatory ghostwritten tome in which he derisively called teammate Wayne Chrebet "the team mascot" even though their lockers were next to each other. Even though Chrebet had 84 catches versus Me-Shawn's 63. Most of Chrebet's catches came in traffic in the middle of the field on third down -- a place where Johnson has been notably absent his entire career.

Less than a year after Tampa Bay won the 2003 Super Bowl (he caught 5 TDs all year and in the Big Game he caught for 69 yards and 0 TDs), Johnson was such a bitch that Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden suspended him for the final six games of the season. What was Johnson upset about? He was the highest-paid WR in the game and had just won a ring on the back of Tampa Bay's dominant defense and rushing offense.

Playing for Carolina, Johnson called his former Tampa Bay teammate Ronde Barber an "Uncle Tom." Playing with Dallas, he had a screaming tantrum directed at QB Bledsoe because Me-Shawn got hit after the catch, fumbled like a bitch and the ball was returned for a TD. Johnson didn't chase his fumble: he began his screaming before the play was even over.

When Michael "Coketits" Irvin criticized Johnson's lack of ability to be a #1 receiver for Dallas, Johnson responded by proclaiming himself the ONLY receiver in Dallas -- despite the fact that Terry Glenn's numbers dwarfed Johnson's mediocore 54 yards-per-game output.

Continuing to hound Chrebet years after forcing the 2000 trade to get himself to the Land of Endless Balls, Johnson said: "You're trying to compare a flashlight to a star. Flashlights only last so long; a star is in the sky forever. He's not even close to me and anyone who knows football knows that."

Actually, Chrebet was close to Me-Shawn's production. During their years together, the walk-on from Hofstra racked up 265 receptions and 17 TDs. The top draft pick in the NFL racked up 305 receptions and 31 TDs. Chrebet had more receptions on third down. And Chrebet retired as the #2 WR in Jets history, still beloved by fans as a team-first tough guy.

Perhaps these outbursts can be attributed to Me-Shawn's pathological insecurity. Since 2001, Me-Shawn has averaged 4 TDs per year. That's hardly dominent. Maybe he was right to retire.

I just wish he'd shut the fuck up.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

What's a Chunky Brother with Bad Knees Got to Do to Get Some Love?

The Twins are inching ever forward towards respectability, winning their last two series, against the formerly mighty Brewers and never particularly mighty Rangers. This was after a spell where nothing was going right. Morneau and Torii "'Gates of Shinto aka 'THunt'" Hunter have been hitting dingers, but the pitching has been a letdown, to be sure. Of late, though, the guys who were supposed to come through have. Boof Bonser has been good to dominant in his last few starts, and it appears that Johan Santana is about to start his annual "Holy Shit, Is This Guy Cheating or What?" 2/3rds of a season.

But what of Luis Castillo? Part of the Florida Marlin Diaspora, having played on their first World Series team, somehow avoiding the axe, and then batting second behind Juan Pierre on the second World Series team, Luis has been toiling in obscurity in this most remote of markets, the Twin Cities. Fans of the National League will be forgiven for thinking that Castillo retired, due to bad knees and sketchy work ethic.

But I'm here to say that Castillo has actively courted questions about his knees and his work ethic. I don't know if there is anyone better in the quiet mental game of baseball as Luis. He's borderline nutty, and he's got National Broadcasters (ESPN) convinced that his knees might blow up at any second, and that's he super slow playing in an indoor stadium.

And yet...

Castillo is currently hitting .319. This is at least in part due to the fact that he is amongst the league leaders in infield hits. His on-base percentage is over .360 and he has struck out all of 8 times so far this year. These are prototypical leadoff man numbers, I think.

And yet, again...

The man still kind of covers ground defensively, too...

Quoth the MLB:

Luis Castillo continues to be a major part of the Twins defensive prowess. Entering Tuesday, the second baseman had not committed an error since May 29, 2006 -- a stretch of 130 games. That is a Major League record for the position. During the span, Castillo had turned 67 double plays and recorded 354 assists and 240 putouts in 594 total chances.

Emphasis mine. Simply put, Castillo is on one of the best defensive stretches in the history of the modern game at 2nd base (and yes, it helps to be surrounded by fellow defensive-minded players, like Morneau?) and he's still hitting over .300 and he's still making bunts into base hits.

So, again, I ask--where's the love for the old (younger than me), slow (actually fast) and somewhat squirrely (quite odd, really) Dominican second baseman doing everything right? Breaking records defensively; getting on base in the lead off position. I don't like playing the game of "If so and so did this or that in this location, then this would happen.", but--If Derek Jeter breaks the record for errorless games at shortstop, it will lead SportsCenter.

photo: Star Tribune

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

They Were Only Kidding

The Redskins have issued a formal apology to all of the racists who are against dogfighting:

"The Washington Redskins, as an organization, obviously would never condone anything related to animal cruelty. The team takes the recent comments of Clinton Portis very seriously and apologizes to everyone that was offended."

Clinton Portis and Chris Samuels also apologized for their comments. Portis issued a statement that read: "I want to make it clear I do not take part in dog fighting or condone dog fighting in any manner."

Samuels said, "We were wrong for joking about the situation. It's very serious. We don't agree with dog fighting."

So that should be the end of that, right? They were only kidding.

Meanwhile, there's no word on whether the dog-fight flap will effect the "Free Blankets" promotion the Redskins had planned for the 2007 season.

Real Smart

I love it! Finally, one of the other bloggers’ teams makes a fool of themselves in the off-season. Big BM and Badcock both love them some Washington Racists, and as we now find out, they not only degrade the 1st Nations but are also animal haters.

Super weirdo and pro-bowl running back Clinton Portis, with an assist from his teammate and blocker Chris Samuels, defend Michael Vick’s dog fighting ring. Their reasoning is sound and I personally may subscribe to their newsletter. However, the rest of the country (media and NFL) will soon lower the “unreasonable” boom and make them eat their words. I mean what’s wrong with a little dog fighting? Doesn’t it happen in war? And aren’t we at war? Case dismissed!

Finally, it seems that the duo was quite possibly high at the time of the interview.

Beginning of the End

I've seen this movie...this is how it all begins. I love you all. Goodbye

Monday, May 21, 2007

McNabb to Chicago!

I've posted previously that I'd like to see McNabb traded to the Raiders - for purely comical reasons - but this latest rumor is much better for both McNabb and the Eagles. Think about it this way, before the season was over writers speculated that if the Colts had lost or failed to make it to the Superbowl last year that PatDan Marinoing would never win a bowl. Similarly, I think the time for McNabb in Philly is over, and has been over, and can only get worse. The team has shown their ability to function just fine without him over the years, while the Bears problem is clearly at the QB position. If we see McNabb move over to Chi-town, I see a Patriot and Chicago show down for the next Superbowl, if McNabb stays healthy. Which will not happen - but Bears fans can hope for just 3-4 weeks out before the playoffs.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Blogger Round-Up

No one I know has blogged of it yet, but it should be quickly mentioned that Scott Baker, after overcoming a little Bradradkeitis, completely shut down the stupid Brewers of Milwaukee. Remember when Barnyard predicted a sweep in this series? He may have been right, aside from which team was doing the sweeping.

On to the Round-Up!

Newest feature on our blogroll is The Beautiful Game. I like the idea of soccer blogs, and I like this one. The lads of TBG have a different take on Bob Bradley than we do. We're right; they're wrong.

The lads at the City Pages Sports Blog have been busy. Chuck is clearly annoyed with Ponson's reaction to being set free in Florida where Ponsons roam wild. Demko is watching the MLS, so you don't have to, and has crafted some awards.

The Double-Nickel has an image that when combined with the Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic suggests that Palmer is open to just about any phallic image you can dream up. A Media Mash-up might read, "Go LONG-er into Carson Palmer's mouth or his Cornhole. For the kids!"
To sum up: Carson Palmer, while talented, is a sick twist.

Bat-Girl has a temporary crush on Brewer Crusher Scott Baker. So does the Minnesota contingent of IDYFT. The Wisconsin Chapter, not so much.

This Suit Is Not Black is talking about the upcoming Tyson documentary by James Toback. It should be noted that the AV Club at the Onion is all over Toback lately.

You'll Never Blog Alone wants you to know that Jessica Simpson will appear to date soccer players that she doesn't actually know. I wish that was shocking.

Leave the Man Alone has been busy, too. She has some thoughts on Hank Aaron (which I don't totally dig on) and a post on "bad" players who do charity work (which I totally do dig on).

The boys at the Big Picture have been busy, too. I frankly think it is wrong to ask whether I'd "do" a 17 year old golfer. It is cheating, outright cheating! to ask that question and then link to this photo. Damn you, Big Picture! Damn you to hell! Also, thanks! Also, we are totally unhappy that the Big Picture linked to the Hottest Sporting Wives competition. At the same time, we are shocked to learn that Dan Dickau has a hot wife.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Randy Moss is the New Steve Beurlein

Certain philistines who contribute to this site are still insisting that the Packers should have traded for Moss. Uncanny, considering said philistine is a fan of the team he admits Moss "gave up on." Moss playing on a talented Patriots team with Superbowl aspirations and a no-nonsense Coach who preaches a team-first attitude ... it could work. Some moustache-jockey coach for a small market team in the Upper Midwest in charge of a shitbag team with nothing going for it ... the formula for disaster is no more complicated than if a = b and b= c, then a = c.

You don't have to take my word for it. Dave Gladow of makes these obvious points here. But just a couple lines deserve direct quotation.

"Favre's idea that Randy Moss could be the savior of the franchise is flawed at best. Anyone who has watched tape of Moss the past two years will tell you that the enigmatic receiver will not try when things start to go poorly ... or when he doesn't get the ball ... or when the team runs the ball ... or when he gets a hangnail ... or ... well, you get the point.

But what would happen if Green Bay lost a couple of games early in the year? Or Favre missed Moss wide open on a fly route? Or any other number of scenarios that would be sure to bring Moss' [sic, retard] sulkiness to the forefront?"

The often-mentioned "Quitter" aspect of Moss's character can be easily quantified by his TD production the last three years: 13, 8, 3. Awesome. Definitely the preeminent [sic] player in the league.

It isn't that the Packers don't need talent at the skill positions. Gladow points out that the Packers GM has been very, very flaccid: "Favre is correct in criticizing the front office for failing to adequately address an offense in serious need of an upgrade. Ahman Green, the team's top tailback, was allowed to leave in free agency. The team "addressed" that concern by drafting Brandon Jackson in the second round. Donald Driver is the team's top receiving threat, and he's neither big, nor especially fast, nor especially young. Tight end Bubba Franks had an awful year. The team "addressed" those concerns by drafting San Jose State wide receiver James Jones in the third round ... And those are just the skill positions! The offensive line has been gutted through free agency the past several years as well."

The Packers need talent and Randy Moss needs someone to gently warm up his cervix and convince him to play. Moss & the Packers would be a terrible match. Moss is a small risk for the Pats, who have a good team. The Packers do not have a good team, and the likelihood of Moss imploding them like anti-matter was very high.

Gladow writes: "My advice to the Packers? Do something to address a crumbling offense before it reaches Raider-levels of ineptitude.

Because after all, when your quarterback is pining for a lazy receiver from the worst offense in the league (the aforementioned Raiders), it doesn't say much about the talent on hand, now does it?"

I don't understand why a philistine would be medium-pimping an unmotivated player who pooped on his own team. But then again, I don't understand the appeal of McDonalds. And clearly I'm in the (non-obese) minority here.

Friday, May 18, 2007

"Boof" is the sound of the Brewers Gettin' Beat

Not too long ago, the Wisconsin chapter of IDYFT predicted a Brewer's sweep of the Twins this very weekend. He posited concerns about D.Turn, the set-up man for the Brew Crew, but he didn't think D.Turn's lack of pitching would hamper the Sweep.

Barnyard said, "Prove Me Wrong, Children."

Barnyard has been proven wrong, and Turnbow had nothing to do with it.

The Twins took control early in the game. Sure, they stumbled early, with Hefty Fez/Biggest Hobbit Ever Boof Bonser surrendering a run in the first inning. But after that, Boof was lights out--going 7 innings deep, striking out 11 Brewers. Meanwhile, the third inning was disastrous for Brewer hurler Capuano. With two outs, he walked Luis Castillo, he served up a ball to Jeff Cirillo that even that old man turned into a triple. Capuano then walked the next two batters, before firing a ball to the Gates of Shinto that got absolutely crushed, for a Grand Slam. The Twins never looked back.

To celebrate Torii's Grand Slam, here's his great commercial from last year.

Nerdin' It Up--I'm a Square Fighting Chickens

I noticed in the comments of my little Schilling post that Muumuuman was talkin' about classic video games. I love you guys enough to track down a few online versions. Enjoy!


Zork I, II & III available for download here. (Zipped files. Zork I is all of 80 Kb zipped)

my own personal favorite, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, with a nice fancy Flash interface.

And finally, the original Prince of Persia. Nerds, start your adventurin'


What the hell. How about a little Oregon Trail while we're at it?

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Curt Schilling: Nerd! (and lying about it)

Curtis Montague Schilling isn't just a pitcher with a bloody sock, or an asshole with a loud mouth. He's also a computer gamer, and a developer of same. According to a Yahoo interview, Schilling, back in September 2006, founded 38 Studios. If you are like me, you are thinking, "Wait, Curt Schilling's middle name is Montague?"

Get past that, man. He also started up a game company, and it isn't called "Bloody Sock Industries" or "I'm Better Than Everyone Else Studios".

The fact that this company is in existence was enough for Yahoo Games/Sports, to interview him. That's what we call SynerDgy (tm). That's trademarked! That's ours, dammit! Schilling is working with D&D writer RA Salvatore, and Todd MacFarlane, who made Spider-Man all webby and stuff, created Spawn, tried to rip off Nerd Hero Neil Gaiman, and completely overpaid for McGuire's record breaking homerun ball. (none of that mentioned in the article)
What do we "learn"?

1. According to the interview, Schilling has played Nerd Computer games his entire life, starting with the Apple II's Wizardry.

We gotta call bullshit, especially as Schilling claims to be dating himself by admitting to playing Wizardry I. Wizardry I came out in 1981, when I was 7 years old. I played it. I played it with a kid named Rusty in Avon, CT. I remember it vividly being a huge step up from my Atari 2600. And I am 8 years younger than Schilling. Hey, "Monty", you can't have been playing video games your entire life starting with a game that came out when you were 15. That's bullshit, man! Bullshit!

2. Schilling never plays video game baseball. We are very suspicious of that, too.

3. Curt enjoys the anonymity of MMO's (that's Massive Multiplayer Online games, to you non-dorks).

4. Curt later makes a point about nerd-culture that I can't disagree with him on:

We're getting to a point in time, although people don't want to admit it, that a nerd is the exact opposite of what it used to be. To me, if you can't get on a computer, surf the net or send an e-mail, you're a nerd. That's where the world's going. My 11 year-old son, the things he can do on a computer are staggering. And that's hip and cool at school now. If you were on a computer when I was in high school, you were a nerd.

You hear that, ladies? We nerds are awesomely super cool. Some nerd who happens to throw a baseball fast says so. You can trust him. He never lies.

Baby Gonna Cry?

Beleaguered parents of the world easily recognize that which is going down in Fromunda Land, a tantrum. Once great quarterback Brett Favre continues to scrape away the remaining layers of his respectability, as he asks to be traded, then states he doesn’t want to be traded, then says he will miss the Packers mandatory mini-camp, and finally agrees to attend the mini-camp. Apparently, all of this is because the Packers didn’t land Randy Moss. Don’t get me wrong, I am a fan of the much maligned 18/84, but he, in his latter days, is not worth it Brett. He is at times a divisive, punk-ass player and certainly not worth all of the trouble. He would certainly have been a nice target when he decided it was worth his while to play, but with him it is a crap shoot.

Brett, do we have to sit you down in the Time Out chair for 40 minutes?

It has now been two very eventful off-seasons for the MVP. What gets me is that he does all of this to return to a total crap team. Or maybe it’s the most talented team he has ever been a part of, I forget.

There were two gentlemen in cages on either side of the stage with fake Uzi's, there were - Jesus, it was unbelievable.

Hold the presses! ESPN has a journalistic bombshell. Evidently Mets farmhand Lastings Milledge, aka L Millz (the 'Z' makes him street, yo) used racist and sexist terms on his single 'Bend Ya Knees' and the Mets disapproved. Racist terms? Hmmm... Nip? Potato Eater? Kike? Kraut? Wait, wait, wait... Help me out here. I've scoured the entire article and I can't quite put it together.

The Stamford Advocate dug a little deeper to shed some light on the matter:
The Mets already had released a terse statement denouncing Milledge's use of the N-word referring to African Americans as well as sexist terms for women, saying that they "disapprove of the content, language and message of this recording."
Oh... the N-Word. Gotcha.

Still, no light on the sexist terms though. Fortunately our friends at the NY Post offered some clues:
Of course, the female to whom L Millz... is singing is not actually being referred to as a woman, instead by the usual gutter descriptions stereotypical in rap. One of those words that got Don Imus fired.
You cheeky journalists, it took a little work on my part but now that you've appealed to my disgust of rap and used a carefully coded description, I get it. That's some good writing! And all without resorting to using an offensive word for women or degrading women in any way. WTG NY Post!

I'm all for the not-at-all-fascist crackdown in professional sports that allows me to enjoy games without any of the thuggish (read: black) elements offending my delicate sensibilities. In fact, it's time to give thanks to everyone in the media and the league offices who makes it possible for me (middle class white male fan) to feel safe and secure in the color-blind world of professional sports. To everyone who is protecting me from all of this rap crap and filth-flarn-filth, let me say: mighty white of you. Keep up the great work!

Cauliflower Ears in a Three Point Stance

This story was tipped to me by Miwacar. A hunka information comes from this article by Dennis Waszak, Jr of the AP.

NY Jets Head Coach Eric "Mangenius," protege of Bill Belichick, has invited two world-class Olympic wrestlers to try out for his overachieving team. Recall the 2006 Jets were picked by most experts (citing a reek of untalent) to finish in the 3-13 area. The Jets instead went 10-6, earning the #5 seed by winning their last three games.

Mangini, who wrestled in high school, is intrigued by the athleticism, balance, sense of leverage and kill instinct which marks a successful wrestler. These two wrestlers stopped playing football early in high school because of their year-round focus on grappling. The interesting (only because football is 4 months away) question is whether either of these wrestlers can make the jump to playing football at the highest level. Athletically, they're awesome. But football is a complicated game and it is a team game, something wrestlers are not accustomed to.

Who are these stud heavyweights, anyway? The best heavyweight wrestler in the country is Ohio State's Tommy Rowlands, who beat U of MN's Cole Konrad in the finals of the U.S. National Championships last month in Las Vegas. They are both Olympic hopefuls who will be squaring off at the U.S. World Team Trials on June 10 in Las Vegas. Rowlands is Ohio State's career leader in wins, team points and takedowns. His career record with the Buckeyes was 161-14, including the 2002 and 2004 NCAA heavyweight titles.

They are both two-time NCAA wrestling champions. They were also roommates during the three-day minicamp.

Cole Konrad, 23, is trying out for the OL. Konrad won NCAA heavyweight titles in 2005 & 2006, and went 154-13 -- including 76 straight victories to end his career at Minnesota. Apparently, his cauliflower ear is something extraordinary, illustrating his tireless dedication to the mat.

Rowlands, 26, is trying at LB. Neither has played competitive football in years: Konrad since his freshman year of high school, and Rowlands since eighth grade. If anyone were to ask me, I would tell them to put both men on the defensive line. OL requires specific technique and footwork which must be coached for years before a decent player can be effective pulling, chopping, walling-off, kicking-out, etc. LB requires specific technique as well as the ability to read plays through the blockers and react instantaneously.

The reason I would put these boys on the DL is that it is the one position in football which favors athleticism over studied technique. To be great, defensive lineman study their opponents' tactics as hard as their own playbooks. But to come into the league without football experience, penetrating a gap is the most natural place for a wrestler. Shut up, that's not supposed to be funny.

Mangini says, "What you look for in terms of progress is a little bit different. What I like about these guys is that they're in a foreign environment, yet they're not fazed by it. They're going to go out and compete like crazy because that's how they're wired, and that's a great characteristic."

The Jets sought the wrestlers out; neither had considered the NFL at all. Says Rowlands: "I thought it was a prank call. When I returned his call, it was a voice mail and it said he was from the New York Jets, so I figured if someone was pranking me, they're going to great lengths to make the joke work."

The most recent champion wrestler to make it in the NFL is the Washington Redskins H-Back Chris Cooley. And by "champion" I mean going undefeated his senior year and earning the Utah state title and High School All-American honors. He was also a high school All-American TE. His unexpectedly gifted hands, combined with his toughness, balance and ferocious tenacity have provided the Redskins with an awesome offensive weapon and fan favorite.

How good is Cooley? He has 19 TDs in 3 years, has never missed a game due to injury and he averages 12.9 yards per catch -- outstanding for a TE. In 2006, his average gain on 3rd down was for 18.6 yards.

In Week 15 of the 2005 season (the only playoff season for the Redskins in a long time), Cooley single-handedly vanquished the Dallas Cowgals. He snatched six catches for 71 yards and scored a career-high three touchdowns (8, 2 and witness the ass-kicking 30-yarder).

Because Cooley dropped wrestling to focus on playing football for Utah State (he led the NCAA in receptions and yards his senior year), his jump to the NFL was not nearly as vast what the Jets are asking of their wrestling-first recruits. But we'll keep an eye on it Konrad and Rowlands.

The connection between wrestling and football is most obvious to the uninitiate: it looks like big bodies falling down on each other. In high school, our new wrestling coach gave a stirring speech to the football team in the locker room one day after practice, emphasizing how wrestling techinques would translate into success on the football field. I was convinced, and became a high school wrestler.

Although I suffered through mat-burns, mat-zits, unfortunate haircuts, two broken noses, a lot of pain and the Hunger necessary to meet weight requirements, there is no question that being a wrestler enhanced my football playing and established a level of mental endurance I wouldn't have otherwise.

And finally, it's called a singlet. Not a leotard or tights or whatever you unititiates say. There's nothing gay about it ... not that there's anything wrong with it.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Ass-Chewing: A Primer

The Milwaukee Brewers are celebrating not having sniffed the playoffs for 25 years in fine form. Prince Fielder and J.J. Hardy are tied for the NL home run lead at 12, the team boasts the second best record in baseball, and there is finally reason to tune in short of watching running tubed meats.

However, the recent ejection of Brewer Manager Ned Yost is inspiring. Not since Earl Weaver used to row with Ron Luciano have I seen such an unrequited ass-chewing. Great, great theater. Yost's full bodyspin early in the argument has to have been rehearsed.

Please also enjoy the Favre-like handjobbery of the Brewers from Fox Sports North and how obvious it is that Geoff Jenkins says "fuck" after the third strike is called.

The Brewers' current form is fine but their road trip is buggered by some bad luck and the horrible form of Derrick Turn-blow. The bad luck will swing, but I'm troubled to advocate for the benching of Turn-blow. I really like the dude*, but failed closers make for dog-shit middle relievers. And Turn-blow's current effort smacks of "horrible tryout for closer" instead of "transitioning to middle reliever."

Despite D-rock's current self-soiling, I'm comfortable predicting a sweep of the Twins in Milwaukee this weekend.

Prove me wrong, children.

*Turn-blow was suspended from the team early in his tenure for writing "kick me" on the back of a young fan's t-shirt during a signing session at an elementary school.

The MLS international talent: Where's the D?

Yes, the title makes you think David Beckham, but that is not what this post is all about. IDYFT contr'ebutant Garwood pointed out his dismay with the new head coach selection and I agree. But I'd like to talk about a discrepancy under old Brucey boy. When the US team had success back in 2002 Bruce Arena praised the MLS for nurturing the US teams talent, while after the US crapped out last year he blamed the MLS for not challenging players enough. The MLS has a problem, and it's ticket sales, and I think their solution has been to recruit international players who can score goals, and they have been ignoring the back four. While you could point out that the US didn't score many times last World Cup, the only people forward were Donovan and McBride. If Zindane and Henry had trouble scoring against skilled defences, Donovan and McBride don't stand much of a chance on their own (and many other reasons - Donovan should NEVER play with his back to the goal, etc.). The reason only two or perhaps three people made a run is that the other 8 had to stay back and defend. If you want US talent to improve in the MLS, you need to recruit some international defenders. The MLS currently has 44 midfield and forward internationals - some well known - and 12 defenders; none of which I recognize and only half of them actually see time on the field. Rather than give up and try to send our youth talent out of the MLS and abroad, the MLS should seek experienced defenders to develop our national team players in the MLS. Finally, if our National Team players face better defenses in the MLS, they can also improve their skills.

Fantasy Sports Hotline

Okay, you got me. Actually this has nothing to do with sports unless you count the fact that the guy at the 2:24 mark is a spitting image for IDYFT head honcho Big Blue Monkey. Also I think I saw Chad Johnson do a TD celebration remarkably similar to the policeman's dance.

Nonetheless, this non-sports related fantasy hotline is the kind Paul Charchian secretly dreams of. It's technically safe for work but I wouldn't go around making a big production out of watching it around people who you're trying to impress. Enjoy!

Thanks to our good friend Rocco for the heads up!

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Racebaiters resort to eugenics to improve team

Perhaps the Skins are dismayed they never had one of the Barber's or Mannings like the Giants, and have decided that one could be genetically disposed to accel in the NFL. This year they've added to thier team Carson Palmer's brother Jordan, Brian Westbrook's brother Byron, Dawan Landry's (safety, Ravens) brother LaRon, and Bennie Blades (safety lions, brother WR Brian Blades) son H.B. Blades. Well, Coy Gibbs already works for the skins, but I think J.D. might be available for a even more nepotic team structure.

Twins Promos Take a Turn Toward the Gently Surreal

I've posted of my love for the humor shown in the Twins marketing efforts the past few years. This year has been no exception.

Perhaps I'm missing something, but this one doesn't seem to have a theme like the previous efforts (Santana changing speeds; The Twins infield as Piranhas). The only clear theme I'm getting from this one is that Michael Cuddyer can't read. However, I'm all for wandering narrative in my films; this serves that well.


It seems clear here that Cuddyer does not have an acting career to fall back on. Pretty flat delivery, Mike! You're not making me believe that Juan Rincon has just severed Johan Santana into two at all.

The ending could be seen as having not satisfactorily reached a conclusion.


That kid fainting.

The ending being seen as a Beckett-like coda; our characters are immobilized by doubt and confusion. They can stand there until the end of time; their illiteracy will not get poor Johan back together again anytime soon.

Final judgement:
As a baseball advertisement, it is an interesting failure. As a metaphor for the bitter absurdity and capriciousness of life, it's a clear winner.

UPDATE: Commenter Jess is of course, quite correct. I had no idea that Cuddyer is considered the Twins answer to David Blaine. But the proof is in the Teen-Centric Journalism of the local NBC affiliate KARE 11's "Whatever" Show. That's Edutainment! Still, basing a commercial spot on a baseball player's hobby as opposed to his famous RBI'in' ability seems flawed. My judgement stands, if it is with a more clear vision of what was intended. (By the way, the guy "teenager" in the film clip is gotta be in his mid-20's, doesn't he?)

Bob Bradley Named Permanent US MNT coach: Evidently Ray Hudson wasn't available

Seriously? Bob Bradley?

I guess it makes sense from a continuity standpoint but that's about all I can say. I'm not taking anything away from Bradley's track record but if this team wants to take steps at the international level, it desparately needs a new voice with some accomplishments beyond MLS. By all accounts Bradley is tireless in his efforts and has been successful everywhere he has gone as a coach. But coming off the sting of World Cup '06 where Arena failed to motivate the team and put his best lineups out there, there was hope that the new hire would shake things up a bit by bringing in Klinnsman or another "big-name" coach. It made sense, it was time.

This is a letdown.

Bradley is Arena's protege and like Arena, I worry about Bradley's ability to a) completely establish himself with guys that are playing in Europe; and b) to get the best out of our more talented but somewhat mercurial players. Bruce Arena was the right guy for the job from 1998 to 2002, maybe even 2006. But with this hire, it was time to step up and bring some fresh ideas, a new voice, and some excitement in the form of a marquee coach. Bob Bradley does not fit the bill.

Saturday, May 12, 2007


Pogonophobia is the fear of beards, and has nothing to do with this column.

I just wanted to raise everyone's attention to a very interesting interview with Dave Zirin, class of 1996 from The Harvard Of The Mississippi. Dave is an intelligent, well-reasoned and passionate sports writer who once pulled a fried chicken leg from the pocket of his jeans and ate it during a lecture. Via hearsay.

I read his book "What's My Name, Fool?" and passed it along to my father. The book was published by Reds. That's OK, my grandfather was once labelled a Red for defending labor unions. He was a Jew and he later became the chief historian of World War II for the US War Department, later the Department of Defense, soon the Ministry of Peace. What's my point? I've suffered too, that's my point.

No, no. I do disagree with some of his pre-programmed rhetoric ... e.g. honestly Dave, don't you think that if Mark "Juice" McGwire were about to bust Aaron's record there would be as much backlash as Bonds is experiencing? For me, it isn't the attitude (which I aspire to) or the race (some of my best friends are black) but the juice that makes me antipathetic towards the historic march.

But I think that D. Zirin is worth reading. More often than not, I find myself nodding to what I read from him. This interview is worth reading in its entirety. The rest of the website is interesting as well. Check out for more collisions in the intersection between sports and politics.

If you like Ali, America and Alliteration, you ought to check the current most known writer to emerge from THTM '96. I mean, Dave has a blurb on his book from Chuck D. I'm looking forward to Dave Zirin's new Muhammad Ali Handbook.

Thank you, and fuck off.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Gone Fishin' - Not Just a Comedic Goldmine

Sometimes "Gone Fishin" also expressed planned events. So I should note that myself and a couple of the other psuedo-contributors to this here blog are about to have gone fishin'. I'm sure those LEFT BEHIND will continue to provide lots of fun content, but for those occasional bloggers who are looking to link trade and the like, it will have to wait until after the weekend. I'll be happy to broker such deals then.

So, to quote Governor Pawlenty, "Peace Out, Little G's!"

A good blog spoiled

I've been taken to task here a little for posting on the subject of golf, but fuck it. I'm old, white, and for the rest of my life I'm going to play more golf that I am any of the other sports we talk about (with the possible exception of this). According to blandcock, that grants me some sort of right to express my opinion, so here goes...

For years the golf commentariat have lamented the lack of a rival for Tiger Woods and pleaded for someone to step up his game. They've essentially called the rest of the tour pretenders and argued that no one is mentally strong enough to challenge Woods. Sure, Woods has been beaten. Philthy, Geoff Ogilve, Ernie Els, Retief Goosen, Jim Furyk, and even Vijay have bested Woods when he's been in contention. Unheralded God-lover and Iowegan Zach Johnson came from behind Woods to win the Master's this year. Still, there hasn't been a single person who has filled the role. The ubiquitous comment? Jack had Arnold; who does Tiger have?

To summarize: Golf misses the Jack/Arnie rivalry. Tiger dominates. Other players choke when Tiger leads going into the final round of a tournament. There is no rivalry. There is Tiger, and everyone else. Etcetera, etcetera, ad nauseum.

Yesterday Rory Sabbatini, who was paired with Woods last Sunday in the final round of the Wachovia, is 12th on the money list, tied Woods for second at the Masters (shooting a final round 69 to Woods' 72) and currently is leading the TPC shooting an opening round 67 to Woods' 75, said the following:

"The funny thing is, after watching him play on Sunday, I think he's more beatable than ever. I think there's a few fortuitous occasions out there that really changed the round for him. And realizing that gives me even more confidence to go in and play with him on Sunday again.

A lot of people have commented in the past when people play with Tiger, they stand and watch the show and not participate. I'm not someone to participate to watch the show. I'm there to participate to win. I want to be paired with Tiger in the last group on Sunday here this week. ... I want Tiger. Everyone wants Tiger. I want him to pick it up and we'll be there late on Sunday." (quote taken from

The headline on's golf page? "Loose Lips." In the course of two articles and the clip I saw on Sportcenter this morning I must have heard the word "inflammatory" a dozen times.

Is there any other sport where suggesting that you have a chance to beat someone is inflammatory? Imagine if Muhammed Ali had said that he was pretty certain that Sonny Liston was beatable. Bullshit. What Sabbatini said was not inflammatory. Nor was it inflammatory when Mickelson said that Woods was playing with inferior equipment. I want something seriously inflammatory.

Last week Jose Mourinho called Chistiano Ronaldo's upbringing into question. That's a great start, golf needs more of that. I want Sergio Garcia to call Woods a "big, ugly black bear" (well, maybe that's a bit over the top but certainly Camillo Villegas or Adam Scott could suggest that Woods is "too ugly to be the world champion"). I want someone (other than Chris Rock) to make fun of him for calling himself Cablasian. Jesper Parnevik should constanly be talking about how he used to tap Woods' wife when she was his nanny. Maybe Luke Donald, at a critical point during a round, could ask him why on earth he thinks the short-sleeved mock turtleneck with his headlights on display is a reasonable fashion choice. Someone should at least suggest that now that he has more money than God he could endorse a better car than the Buick Lucerne. Hell, if I was paired with Tiger, I'd only ever call him Buick Lucerne.

Woods' mystique is real. He is mentally tough, he's the best putter on tour, and he scrambles and grinds better than anyone. Barring injury, he'll break all the records. If he were to never swing the club again, he might still be regarded as the best player of all time. But he can be beaten. And the more players say it, maybe some of them will start to believe it. Tiger might not have his Arnie, but there's far more talent in the game now than there was even 10 years ago. It's king of the hill and Tiger is on top. C'mon. It's time for more players to come out swinging. Seriously, what do you have to lose?

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Shauna Fleming gives a fuck about our troops... why don't YOU?!?

Shauna, a non-threatening white teenage girl from Everytown, USA, started an organization three years ago to thank our troops for their service to our country. This innocent is obviously above trite partisanship, and provides a fresh perspective in this time of pussy Democratic treasonous skulduggery. Despite this negativity, Shauna's friends at Buick, Pontiac, and GMC trucks are allowing her to put her boxes in their dealerships during the month of May (without any hope of financial reward) in order to get the entire country behind this noble cause. So if you love your country, all you have to do is find your local Buick, Pontiac, or GMC dealerships to drop off your heartfelt condolences for the lack public funding in terms of equipment, supplies, and basic medical services to our emissaries of freedom around the oil-rich world. I know that you're incredulous (you cynical fucks)... and you know what? She understands that we can never send enough thanks. But that doesn't mean we can't try.

W. gives a fuck.

Pauly Wolfowitz gives a fuck.

Newt gives a fuck.

Even Tony Danza gives a fuck.

Why don't you?!?

How cool is that?

From a recent interview in Blender Magazine, John Cougar talks about the good old days straight chillin' with two good ole boys.

What do you like more, Indy racing or basketball?
stephen.persa, Burlington, VT
Well, my wife was the first female to drive the Indianapolis 500 pace car, which is pretty neat — particularly when you know that she can’t drive. But I’d definitely say basketball. I’ve known Larry Bird since we were kids. When he was on the Celtics and I was playing in Boston, he and Kevin McHale would come to my dressing room after the show and smoke me under the table.

I always wanted one of those voice boxes...

This is troubling. The problem is, I'm both a huge proponent of the activity and a fairly serious hypochondriac so now every time I get a sore throat I'm going to worry. I should have listened to my 9th grade Health teacher and taken precaution.

Thunt The Man!!!

Last night the Twins Thunt (Torii Hunter) made what I believe to be his greatest catch of all time, and that is saying a lot, because he has made dozens of spectacular catches over the years. I went to YouTube to find it, they didn't have it yet, but they did have it at the Twins site. Allow me to draw you a mental picture.

The bases are loaded (I have no idea what inning it is- they were losing) with two outs, and Thunt was playing relatively shallow. So, when let’s say So Iguchi (?), drives a shot deep over his head, Thunt has to turn and haul ass. All the while he is tracking the ball’s flight over his shoulder. His run is so long and at such a high rate of speed that no one thought he would be able to make it to it, let alone make a basket catch over his shoulder. Especially, with the way his body was forced to be carried on the run. He is Thunt, so of course he caught the ball, falling forward towards the seats, then bounced off of the warning track and into the wall. Imagine the famous Willie Mays catch on HGH. It was special. I think it was even better than the layout catch in which he got rug burns on his lips from the turf.

I don’t have cable, but I am sure it was the #1 web gem last night on Baseball Tonight. Oh he also extended his hitting streak to 23 games. Yeah Spiderman!

Photo by , Star Tribune

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

We are One Year Old and We are Strong

We Turned One Year Old Today. We are Big Boys Today. Or, if you rather, We Are Super Strong Chinese Girls Today. In any case, about a year ago, I started this blog, and recruited the smartest, goofiest, assholiest guys I knew to write for it. And here we are a year later, and other blogs link to us and stuff. It's crazy!

Big Crazy Shout-Out to Will at Deadspin who linked to us early and often, and (thank heavens) didn't turn out to be some supernerd 10 years our junior, but actually about our age. That makes us feel better suckling at the Deadspin Teat. We're ageist. Fuck you. The fact is, we occasionally get emails from neophyte sports bloggers asking us for advice. First we tell them, "Are you kidding? We've been at this for a year. We aren't Yoda. Fuck, we're not even Aughra." And then we tell them, "Write something new, write something different, and then send it to Deadspin."

I'd also like to quickly thank the other blogs who link to us, or comment on our blog often, and always have something fun to say. There's the HCIC from Leave the Man Alone, Jess from I Was Told There Would Be Bacon, LButler from DeadOn, The Fan of The Fan's Attic, Ted from A Price Above Bip Roberts, and of course, Zach from The Big Picture. There are plenty of others, of course, but these are the folks who show up the most often.

I'd also like to thank the Lads who participated in Pros vs. Joes, and helped make this the informal blog of ex-Joes. You'll be hearing more from them, whether they like it or not!

thanks to my fellow writers on this blog. Yes, even Badcock.

And so, to cap off our unexpectedly successfully year, I'd like to link to a couple of my favorite entries from the past year. I encourage my fellow contributors to do so as well.

The Sports Legion of Doom

Fun Facts About World Cup Finalists

The Great Goal Video Thread

The Buddy Cop Quotient, rating NFL backfields in terms of Buddy Cop Movies. We'll probably bring this one back.

Anyway, heartfelt thanks to anyone who has read us, linked to us, mentioned us in passing. I'm a little shocked this blog is still up and running, much less getting linked to by other blogs. We'll get sappy again in May 2008.

Until then, nobody bodders me.

Drunk Lithuanians, Learn from the Drunk Chinese

Listen, everybody. Getting drunk and climbing into zoo enclosures is a bad idea. You don't do it in China with pandas, and you don't do it Lithuania with giraffes. If you don't pay attention and learn from people hugging the panda, you get what's coming to you. In this case, a broken collar bone and a broken nose.

Neologism: Hugging the giraffe. Making the exact same mistake that someone else made, or repeating your own mistake.

OK, so Randy Moss totally hugged the Panda with that move to Raiders. If he can't make it work in New England, they could totally end up hugging the giraffe.

And so on.

[edited to fix some really stupid grammar mistakes]

Greg Oden Not Even Pretending Anymore

I was only running a few minutes late this morning, and was able to relax and watch a little of Cold Pizza, or First Take or whatever it is now.

Somehow they had gotten Greg Oden to appear on the show, and the interviewer spent the next few minutes trying to bait Oden into some sort of answer that would force him to look arrogant and/or a jerk.

quick sampler:
You are being compared to great centers in NBA history--which great center are you the most like?
Who should be picked #1--you or Kevin Durant? Will you be upset if Durant goes first?
Who would you like to play for?

Horsepuckey, mid-morning ESPN anonymous talking drone. Oden manages not to fall into any of the pits that were being dug for him, and stayed nice and magnanimous to legendary NBA types, his fellow draft super-star, and even to all the teams in the NBA. And then the interview took a surprising turn, which leads me to believe that like Mearth, Greg Oden is a 65 year old alien who started life as an adult and is slowly maturing backwards in time.

The interviewer, determined to get some sort of answer from Oden asked him, "OK, but what teams did you grow up watching as a kid? Did you follow a particular team?" (Silently thinking to himself--aha! This will tell us where Oden secretly wants to play. It told us so much more...)

Oden replied, and I'm paraphrasing here, "Oh, sure. Growing up, I watched a lot of the Lakers, and the Celtics. They were just good teams, that played good basketball." Safe answer--big franchises with storied histories, doesn't mean anything, etc, etc. Except that the Celtics were never particularly good during Oden's lifetime, much less his formative years. In fact, they sucked the vast majority of the years that Oden has been alive. Let's delve, shall we?

Greg was born in January of 1988, so the first playoffs he would have been alive for were the 87-88 playoffs. Boston lost in the Conference Finals to Detroit. If he were a human baby, Greg Oden would not remember that. If he were born a 36 year old man, he probably would.

During his human formative years, when one goes and decides to be a fan of a team (I'm calling that ages 7-12) Boston was one of the worst teams, if not the worst, in the country. During that stretch, seasons of 95-96 to 00-01, the Celtics won an average of 29 games. The Celtics had one good year, during the 2001-02 season (49 wins!), and have steadily slid back into craptacular.

So, when, I ask you, WHEN was 18 year old Greg Oden a fan of the Celtics? C'mon, Oden, remember, we're pretending you aren't in your late 30's, dammit. Maybe Greg is a time-traveler?

Listen: Greg Oden has become unstuck in time.
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