I Dislike Your Favorite Team

Me-Shawn Johnson has retired from the NFL. The prototypical whining bitch of a WR, able to get away with tantrums, obscene gestures, holdouts and helmet-throwing because of his occasional flashes of true talent.

Me-Shawn justifies himself: "I've done everything I wanted to do in my career ... I've lived my dream. Now, I'm going to live another dream."

Now we get him doing what he loves best: talking without consequence. According to ESPN executive vice president Norby (Norby?) Williamson, during Me-Shawn's draft-day effort, "He delivered passionate opinions and candid analysis, attributes that will make him a first-rate analyst in his new career."

That's Me-Shawn all right. Passionate with his opinions, candid with his analysis of what's wrong with everybody else.

We're talking about a guy who "wrote" a "book" after his rookie season called Just Give Me The Damn Ball. Christ, even T.O. wrote a book about sharing.

Let's consider some career highlights of this overhyped blowhard. He was the #1 pick by the Jets in 1996. After his rookie season, helping the Jets to a 1-15 record, he released his inflammatory ghostwritten tome in which he derisively called teammate Wayne Chrebet "the team mascot" even though their lockers were next to each other. Even though Chrebet had 84 catches versus Me-Shawn's 63. Most of Chrebet's catches came in traffic in the middle of the field on third down -- a place where Johnson has been notably absent his entire career.

Less than a year after Tampa Bay won the 2003 Super Bowl (he caught 5 TDs all year and in the Big Game he caught for 69 yards and 0 TDs), Johnson was such a bitch that Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden suspended him for the final six games of the season. What was Johnson upset about? He was the highest-paid WR in the game and had just won a ring on the back of Tampa Bay's dominant defense and rushing offense.

Playing for Carolina, Johnson called his former Tampa Bay teammate Ronde Barber an "Uncle Tom." Playing with Dallas, he had a screaming tantrum directed at QB Bledsoe because Me-Shawn got hit after the catch, fumbled like a bitch and the ball was returned for a TD. Johnson didn't chase his fumble: he began his screaming before the play was even over.

When Michael "Coketits" Irvin criticized Johnson's lack of ability to be a #1 receiver for Dallas, Johnson responded by proclaiming himself the ONLY receiver in Dallas -- despite the fact that Terry Glenn's numbers dwarfed Johnson's mediocore 54 yards-per-game output.

Continuing to hound Chrebet years after forcing the 2000 trade to get himself to the Land of Endless Balls, Johnson said: "You're trying to compare a flashlight to a star. Flashlights only last so long; a star is in the sky forever. He's not even close to me and anyone who knows football knows that."

Actually, Chrebet was close to Me-Shawn's production. During their years together, the walk-on from Hofstra racked up 265 receptions and 17 TDs. The top draft pick in the NFL racked up 305 receptions and 31 TDs. Chrebet had more receptions on third down. And Chrebet retired as the #2 WR in Jets history, still beloved by fans as a team-first tough guy.

Perhaps these outbursts can be attributed to Me-Shawn's pathological insecurity. Since 2001, Me-Shawn has averaged 4 TDs per year. That's hardly dominent. Maybe he was right to retire.

I just wish he'd shut the fuck up.