I Dislike Your Favorite Team: February 2009

Friday, February 27, 2009

Michele Bachman was Voted For. By People.

I thought hearing MN Governor Tim Pawlenty finishing a visit to "urban youth" with a exclamatory "Peace Out, Little G's!" was the most cringing moment I'd experience in white people embarrassment.

That was until Minnesota Representative Michele Bachman reacted to a Michael Steele speech (who is bringing the G.O.P to Hip-Hop, or bringing Hip-Hop to the G.O.P. or something) by yelling, "Michael Steele! You be da man! You be da man."

I liked her better when she was huggin' on GWB, and fightin' for The Freedom to Choose (Lightbulbs)

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 12:03 PM 1 comment: Links to this post

Thursday, February 26, 2009

RIP Jose Philip Farmer

The only man (I think) who has ever published a novel under the name of everyone's favorite fictional sci-fi writer, Kilgore Trout, died Wednesday.

I know him best for a series that blew my fucking mind when I was 15 years old, or thereabouts called The Riverworld Saga. In it, Farmer imagines an afterlife in which everyone ever born on Earth is resurrected on the banks of a huge river. So you get Julius Caesar interacting with Mark Twain, and shit like that. It was awesome.

Farmer was also one of the first sci-fi writers to write graphic sex scenes, which I'm sure had nothing to do with my enjoyment of his novels, as what 15 year old nerdy boy wants to read about sex? Especially when he could be reading whatever half-assed book was on the summer reading list for school?

I'd been planning to revisit the Riverworld series for quite a while now, and I guess now is as good as any time to--you are more than welcome to do the same--the first one, To Your Scattered Bodies Go--is widely considered to be one of the better books in the series, if not the best.

So, rest in peace, Mr. Farmer -- if your afterlife is half as cool as the one you imagined, you are probably having a ball right now.

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 10:42 AM 2 comments: Links to this post

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Nick Punto Doesn't Believe in Your Friction

There is a lot I like about the way the Twins play the game of baseball--the solid defense, the stringing together of timely hitting, the spirit of camaraderie that doesn't feel forced. But there is one aspect of the Twins lineup that drives me nuts--and that is the Hard-Working Hustle of Nick Punto, especially when it is demonstrated via his slides into first base.

Now, granted--there are times when sliding into first is a good idea (tag plays) but generally speaking it is not a good idea. Your feet are two quick moving contact points--your front of your stomach is simply a drag-causing, momentum-slowing obstacle. You might think this is obvious. You, probably, do not drive all around town with the parking brake on, under the assumption that it gets you places faster.

Nick Punto is not like you. For Jim Souhan's column in the Star Tribune:

"For some reason, I think it's faster," he [Punto] said. "For all the people who have told me it's not, I still think it is.

"We'll never know. Until there is a swimming pool at the end of the 100-meter dash, we'll never know. Who's going to dive onto a corked field on a 100-yard dash? Nobody."

You know why no one is going to dive onto a corked field at a 100-yard dash pace, Nick? Because suddenly adding that big of a drag onto something moving that fast would fucking hurt. And that pain comes from the sudden addition of a lot of friction; you don't get burn marks from running on your feet. You get them sliding. You get lots of injuries from sliding, and they are all due to the fact that you are putting more of your body mass on the ground. And Punto knows this! Consider this little exchange for the same piece.

"Asked how many times sliding into first base has injured him, Punto said, "'I don't want to answer that.'"

I can't believe I have to root for this idiot.

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 12:42 PM 5 comments: Links to this post

Wisconsin! Fishing! --- Controversy!

From the AP, via The Star Tribune, comes this tale of a Fishing Competition that was tainted by the Scourge of Pike Smugglin'.

The initially declared winner has been accused of smuggling a fish into the competition, through some tipsters and a piece of excellent detective work: "girls who sold refreshments told of the excessive amount of bottled water the man bought in the 14-degree weather."

Organizers stripped the winner of his grand prize, a new Dodge truck. Which makes his initial reaction to winning all the better:

"TV cameras were rolling when he was asked what he would do with the grand prize and replied: 'Drive it like it's stolen.'"

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 11:35 AM No comments: Links to this post

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Disappointing Football, European Style

Manchester United and Inter Milan play to a scoreless draw? That I can live with--it happens. The fact that Inter Milan fired more shots a full fathom over the net than they did on net? That's fucking disappointing.

We'll be expecting better things from the games tomorrow.

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 10:30 PM 3 comments: Links to this post

Sunday, February 22, 2009

One More Thing About The Curry Brothers

The World Wide Leader talked alot about how few teams would give either Stephon or Seth an athletic scholarship--could it be mentioned, at least once, that one of the factors for all those colleges might be, just might be, the fact that their father is a fucking millionaire, and that they don't need scholarships?

Maybe mention it when you mention that their father is Dell Curry, who played in the NBA for more than a decade? Scholarships are meant for kids who can't afford to go the school, right? The idea that they were not recruited because they weren't offered scholarships is ridiculous, and down right insulting to the slightly less talented shooters who come from humble origins, dammit.

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 12:37 AM No comments: Links to this post

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Dell Curry's Kids Get More Airtime Than They Deserve

ESPN will not stop talking about the Curry Brothers tonight.

I understand that, to some degree--ESPN has been hyping "BracketBusters Weekend" for almost a decade now, and they will promote the players who make those Bracket Bustin' teams go.

But here's the thing that all the analysts on the World Wide Leader agree--Stephon Curry's Davidson team is not as good as it was last year. He's got a bum ankle, and he looked it throughout his game--his shot was off all night, and he finished with 6-23 (2-13 from 3 pont land) shooting against Butler.

Butler is in the Top 25, and have knocked off a team that has been in the Top 25 at times this year--yet to watch ESPN, you'd think Stephon Curry did something miraculous this night. He didn't. He had one of his worst games in his career--again, he's injured. But we knew that going in. Why did ESPN spend so much talking about Stephon Curry in a game in which his team lost by 12 points?

I don't know. But I do know that I heard Stephon Curry's name more times per hour than I heard Butler's leading scorer's name, Gordon Hayward, who outscored Curry by 7, and shot well above Curry's 25%.

More insulting to the basketball fan is the amount of time spent discussing Seth Curry, whose Liberty University got their doors blown off, their dog walked, their shit kicked by that Powerhouse, Old Dominion University. Even on their website, ESPN is guilty of Seth Curry overcoverage. On their website's video clip, in which the guys who actually covered the game do nothing but praise ODU, the caption to the video reads: "Freshman Seth Curry's 24 points led Liberty in 80-56 loss to Old Dominion." Who the fuck cares who scored 24 points on a team that lost by 24 points? ESPN does.

And extra double foul on the ESPN crew that commented (it may have been Dick Vitale during that rip-roaring Texas vs. Oklahoma tilt) that it was weird that the rest of the country missed out on recruiting Seth Curry after Stephon Curry had slipped through the fingers of the ACC. Seth Curry was given an offer at Virginia Tech. I'm quite sure there were any number of mid-majors he could have played at.

He choose Liberty, at least in part, because the Curry family is crazy-ass Jerry Falwell religious. And Liberty University was established by crazy ass Jerry Falwell. You'd think that would get mentioned at some point in all this talk about how Seth Curry ended up there. To attend Liberty, you need to be aware of their Liberty Distinctives, penned by crazy-ass Jerry Falwell.

My favorite is #4: "An uncompromising doctrinal statement, based upon an inerrant Bible, a Christian worldview beginning with belief in biblical Creationism, an eschatological belief in the pre-millennial, pre-tribulational coming of Christ for all of His Church, dedication to world evangelization, an absolute repudiation of “political correctness,” a strong commitment to political conservatism, total rejection of socialism, and firm support for America’s economic system of free enterprise."

Those are hilarious for so many reasons that I have a hard time knowing where to begin. Maybe that will be separate post. But Seth Curry ended up at Liberty because he and his family believe that stupid bullshit, not because he wasn't recruited. And they got THEIR DOG walked by ODU. Time to stop talking about the Curry Brothers, ESPN. One thing--"pre-millennial... coming of Christ" seems either really really out of date (it's 2009, bitches) or really looking forward...to the Year 3000.

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 11:54 PM 1 comment: Links to this post

I'll Be Damned--Joe Crede is a Twin

Joe Crede was looking for the kind of money he could have gotten easily 2 or 3 years ago. Scott Boras is his agent. The Twins are not known for going after pricey free agents (though they do like veterans looking to prove themselves after injury, but usually guys that no one really thinks are going to bounce back). Everything in their histories said that the Twins and Scott Boras were not going to agree to sign Joe Crede. And yet they did.

As recently as a few days ago, this signing seemed like a nonstarter. What's really amazing is that the Twins signed Crede their way--they did not cave in the least to Scott Boras' demands. Crede signed a deal that pays him 2.5 million dollars, guaranteed. Which is basically what they paid Nick Punto last year, who is famous for sliding head first into first base for no good reason, and not much else. The deal is laden with incentives that are not performance based, but simply appearance based. So as long as Crede can stay healthy and stave off challenges by Brendan Harris and Brian Buscher, he can reach the $7 million Boras wanted in guaranteed salary.

Of course, Crede comes into the Twins organization, essentially, as a free agent. If he plays extremely well, the rest of the league will remember he's only 30, and his one year, $2.5 million deal will be trumped in next year's free agency. So will the Twins play him and trade him, or will they ride his superior bat at 3rd all year long? Who knows? I have a feeling that this could be part of the calculus this year. Write it down--if Crede has 15 Homeruns by the All-Star Break, he won't finish the season as a Twin.

Aaron Gleeman, of course, has more.

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 11:04 PM 2 comments: Links to this post

I'm Confused By the Box Score

According to NBA.com, the Timberwolves were at down by 20 points to Indiana at one point tonight. That part sounds completely reasonable. The part I'm confused by is that, according to the same NBA.com box score, the most unanswered points scored by Indiana was 2.

I'm safe in assuming that is a typo, yeah?

It should be noted that Randy Foye publicly expressed the secret hope of every Timberwolves fan, hoping for good picks in next year's draft, when he said this about losing Al Jefferson for the season, "We ain't going to be able to find our way without Al."

Please don't find your way! Maybe we can pick up yet another power forward! Or (and this is just crazy-fan guy talking) a FUCKING CENTER.

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 12:44 AM 1 comment: Links to this post

Last Night Of Conan O'Brien

In the "news too late for you to do anything about", tonight was Conan's last night as the host of the Late Show. There were guests like Andy Richter, and music from the White Stripes, and clips a plenty. What was really striking to me though was that the network gave Conan an extra 5 minutes so he could spend 15 minutes thanking all the people who made his improbable rise happen.

And, for you young people, who are used to Conan always being there (it has been 16 years, after all) let me tell you something--I watched Conan's very first show back in 1993, and the reaction in the room was about 50/50--50% thought Conan was OK; the other 50% hated him. He used to dance at his desk going to commercial. He was awkward--he had never, ever been on TV (aside from a few nonspeaking roles on SNL) before, and it showed. Those of us who liked the show told each other, "Better enjoy while it is still on the air." (We said the same thing about South Park when it debuted.) If you had told me, back in 1993, watching Conan's debut in Margo's room in Wallace Hall (you get it? I remember where I was for that first show.) that he'd be leaving on his volition to take over Carson's old spot, I would have told you you were super-high and stupid.

So let's celebrate Conan's improbable success and his promise not to get any more mature as he moves up an hour and finds himself against Letterman--which doesn't seem right to me. Can't those take turns or something? Let's enjoy Conan doing what he does best, doing a remote feature. Enjoy (again), if you please, Conan visiting a baseball league that plays historical baseball:

Conan O'Brien 1864 Baseball
by Youpinadi

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 12:08 AM 1 comment: Links to this post

There Are T-Shirt Blogs, and One Likes Us

Patrick over at ChewingGlassTees.com likes one of our retro designs. Thanks to Patrick, I now know that there is a T-shirt that says, "Jesus Loves You, but I'm right here, baby." Pondering purchase as we speak.

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 12:00 AM No comments: Links to this post

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Exciting News, Everyone!

In the span of a few short days, we here are IDYFT will be changing addresses. We have, for some reason, been at http://scuffedballs.blogspot.com since our inception, oh so many (less than 3) years ago.

We are moving into a logical direction, and will soon be found at JessicaAlbafucking.com in the next few days.

If that falls through, we will be located at https://idislikeyourfavoriteteam.com. Don't worry, you will be redirected if you type in the old address. We hope you can join us at our new virtual home, and help us scuff up the virtual floor, and accidently burn the virtual carpet, and drop a bomb in our virtual bathroom. We know you will anyway, so why not pretend we like that kind of shit?

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 9:28 PM No comments: Links to this post

Jeff Jacobs Is A Man! He's 40 70!

Andrew blogged about the great, physical game between UConn and Pitt, and particularly the battle between their respective big men, Hasheem Thabeet and DeJuan Blair.

But Andrew didn't manage to channel the worst aspects of Ernest Hemingway in quite the way that Hartford Courant (Motto: "Still A Newspaper") columnist Jeff Jacobs did. His column about the game, and the physical play of DeJuan Blair is hilarious:

He was the one who did the manhandling. No, that's not fair. What DeJuan Blair did Monday night was show he was a man in what is supposed to be the man's league of college basketball. Blair was a man, the man, in every way at the XL Center in No. 4 Pittsburgh's 76-68 victory over No. 1 UConn.

I love the paragraph so much. In one paragraph, we have five uses of the word "man." Basketball is a MAN'S GAME.

I don't know why it tickles me so much, but it really, really does. Jeff Jacobs is a Manly Curmudgeon!

My theory is that this a crazy overreaction to the pants-pulling Leitch at Deadspin did a few years back. The sentence from Will that probably started Jeff Jacobs becoming a badass MAN? Probably this one: "...we have a feeling that Jacobs was the kind of guy who always took his ball and went home when he was a kid."

I should mention that Leitch's post was about a bizarre Jacobs' column in which he complains about the way UConn coach Jim Calhoun has been mean to him at press conferences. With that in mind, it makes this sentence from the column I mentioned above make a bit more historical sense: "So at the risk of Jim Calhoun calling my sports editor and suggesting I cover the Williams sisters and Rafael Nadal, there's no way I'm straying far from doing anything but giving Pittsburgh, and especially Blair, major, major props."

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 8:01 PM 2 comments: Links to this post

Reason #83 to Watch Top Chef

Padma Lakshmi in a black cocktail dress and choker.

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 7:58 PM No comments: Links to this post

Happy 20th Anniversary, Paul's Boutique

One of the finest hip-hop albums of all-time, end of story, the Beastie Boy's critically acclaimed, commercially ignored 2nd album, Paul's Boutique, was released in 1989. It has now been re-released in a 20th Anniversary Edition. I think for those of us alive and cognizant at the time, it still took a year or two to notice just how great it was. Lots of Beastie Boy fans were into the straight up rock samples and snotty lyrics of the Licensed to Ill, and did not dig the maturing efforts (though, really, not that mature) of the Boys.

The album could not be made today. It simply could not be. Consider just Shake Your Rump--it contains unlicensed samples from The Bar-Kays, The Funky 4 + 1, Sugarhill Gang, James Brown, Afrika Bambaataa and Led Zeppelin. There simply is no way to get those samples now. Of course, it doesn't matter how many great samples you use, if your shit is wack, yo. And this shit ain't wack. It is a brilliant, brilliant and super-fun record.

Enjoy!

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 7:10 PM 4 comments: Links to this post

Don't Be So Modest, A-Rod

In Alex Rodriguez's self-serving "apology" he kinda begged forgiveness for injecting something he isn't sure actually did anything. To quote: " I didn't think they were steroids. It was basically amateur hour. I'm not even sure we took it right." (Emphasis mine)

You aren't sure you took it right, A-Rod? You could look at your homerun production for those three years--52, 57, 47, (total of 156) and compare it to any your next highest 3 year production (137) and that might give you a pretty good indication that you took "it" correctly. Or you could look at the three consectutive years of a Slugging Percentage at or above .600--you've never had three years in a row like that since. Yeah, I'm pretty sure your steroids were being injected correctly.

Have some pride, Alex--you did a great job of sticking needles in your ass, buddy. Even if you "didn't know" what you were taking. For 3 years. Ass.

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 7:04 AM 4 comments: Links to this post

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Heavyweights: Blair vs. Thabeet

I thoroughly enjoyed the Pittsburgh v. UConn game last night. Pittsburgh led most of the game, lost the lead briefly at the end and then clawed back on top to win 76-68.

The 263 pound heavyweight bout (that's 526 lbs combined!) between UConn's 7'3" C Hasheem Thabeet and Pitt's 6'7" PF DeJuan Blair determined the outcome of this game. With Thabeet's inbox stuffed with valentines, including one from our own Big BM, few gave the sophomore Blair a chance.

Instead, Blair used his leverage and strength to bruise Thabeet. Blair flipped Thabeet over his back, using Thabeet's arm as the lever. Understand: Blair flipped a 263 pound man over his back with a twist of his hips. Thabeet was ineffective after that play; fouls kept him on the bench.

Pitt's Sam Young (25 pts) said of Thabeet, "I think the intimidation was gone after he got flipped over DeJuan's back."

Blair, who slimmed down after his freshman season, had a double-double in the first half and finished with 22 points and 23 rebounds. Thabeet's only block -- he's been averaging over 4 per game -- was on an ill-advised Blair fadeaway. Blair retrieved the ball, put his shoulder down and rocked Thabeet's solar plexus to the hoop. And one. Blair made the free throw.

This is only the first round of the Blair v. Thabeet heavyweight fight. The teams meet again in Pittsburgh in a few weeks. And then probably again in the Big East tournament. And quite possibly in the Big Dance. This could develop into one of the best big-men matchups in years.

Monday, February 16, 2009

New Top Gear in America

I've mentioned my love of the BBC's Top Gear before (and specifically mentioned by enjoyment of their trip to America, traveling from Miami to New Orleans). So imagine my delight that the newest season to hit BBC America's airwaves includes a second trip to our fine country--this time taking some time in Reno, where as far as I could tell, none of the hosts made a Huge Tiny Mistake.

But it was still delightful:

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 8:45 PM 3 comments: Links to this post

Racing Presidents Audition for the Senators

Exciting news, DC area readers--you can become a racing President.

If you end up as Washington, I'll probably have nightmares about you, so that's an extra bonus:

photo credit: Flickr user MissChatter

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 3:30 PM 1 comment: Links to this post

Sunday, February 15, 2009

A Hoops Valentine's Day MASSACRE!

Saturday is the best day of the week when it comes to College Basketball--ESPN may want you to think it is Wednesday (which is a close second) but it is still Saturday. Let's review the FUCKING MASSACRE (is that all caps stuff too much?)uc

Hoya Heartbreak -- Let's start with the team nearest and dearest to my heart. Georgetown Hoyas were playing a ranked team in #23 Syracuse, so I can justify starting with them. Georgetown may be the most dissapointing team in the Big East; Syracuse is a team in a desperate need to show that they are as good as they looked 2 weeks ago. Syracuse jumped all over Georgetown early, and again early in the 2nd half. But Georgetown stormed back in the 2nd Half, coming back from a 15 point deficit to send the game into overtime. Because he wears Orange, I hate Johnny Flynn, but would I love that guy if he were on my team. In a four point game, Flynn was the difference (even though commentators who dig guys who punch women may single out Eric Devendorf). Flynn wasn't magical shooting the rock, but he did have 13 assists, and was handling the ball when Georgetown was trying to foul their way back into the game, and went 15-16 from the charity stripe. He attempted one less, and made more free throws than Georgetown did as a team. That's a killer.

You See a Loser -- UCLA dropped a second game to an Arizona team--after losing to Arizona State earlier in the week, they got worked by a resurgent Arizona Wildcat team. UCLA is possibly the worst team in the Top 10, but they are still (I think) the class of a pretty shitty PAC-10. Read that another way--the PAC-10, whilst beating up on each other, isn't a very good conference. Read it another way by looking at UCLA's impressive 10-Game winning streak from earlier this year, and you'll see a bunch of scrubs. They have yet to beat a team that was ranked when they played them, and yet they were, as of today, in the Top 10. Curious. (Makes their beatdown of Notre Dame all the more damning for the Jason Kings of the world).

Go Squeeze Some Oranges -- Wake Forest effectively escorted Florida State out of the Top 25 (a place that Florida State didn't really deserve to have--truth is, the difference between number 15 and number 45 is paper-thin) with an absolute ass-kicking. Wake Forest is still an awfully young team, who I can see running into trouble in the NCAA Tournament, if faced with a senior-laden mid-major conference team. I also seem them being in the Final Four. It is a tricky year, yeah?

Rock Thabeet; Thabeet Goes On, Etc -- UConn so far is handling the loss of Jerome Dyson. They should garner a #1 seed, but losing their second leading scorer will bite them in the ass, eventually, right? Or will Hasheem Thabeet just be a motherfucking badass the rest of the year? If any coach can handle a complete overhaul of his offense in February, it is classy Irish Drunk Jim Calhoun. If you haven't seen Thabeet play, you really should--he's all of 19 or 20 years old, 7' 3", and has a build that isn't what you normally seen from big men--he's not funny-skinny, he's not funny-fat; he's proportionally badass at over 7 feet tall. He's a top 3 pick in the next NBA draft.

Run, Run, Run LIKE HELL-- Just two weeks ago, occasional IDYFT contributor Barnyard was telling me that I needed to see Missouri play their version of the classic 40 minutes of hell as perfected by Nolan Richardson at Arkansas back in the Clinton Era. For those who don't remember, the Razorbacks would play 40 minutes of full-court pressure, swapping players like a hockey game, running a 10 or 11 man rotation, and counting on a few guys to generate half-court offense. Since then, Missouri came back on Kansas, and made people notice them. They've had as quick of a climb in the rankings--from unranked to #17, and with their dismantling of Nebraska, they will sneak into the top 15. Look out for this team. 13 players played; no one played more than 30 minutes; 8 players had 14 minutes or more. Compare that to Notre Dame, who even in a blowout win had 4 players play over 30 minutes--those four players scored 86 of their 90 points against Louisville. When in doubt, take depth over fat white boys.

Oh yeah--Blake Griffin and Oklahoma are good (still the most neglected Top 3 team in recent memory). Blake got a lot of press tonight because he did something that hadn't been seen in a decade and change--40 points and 20 boards. Pittsburgh continues to cruise, too. I still don't trust Pitt, though. I don't trust them, but I won't blame you if they are in your Final Four come March.

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 12:06 AM 1 comment: Links to this post

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Jason King Needs a Notre Dame Intervention

When preseason rank-meisters put Notre Dame in the Top 5, I found it laughable. When the official rankings came out, I still said Notre Dame was overrated. When Jason King further wandered into crazyland, with his suggestion that Notre Dame was the second best team in the Big East, I called him high or too Catholic for his own good.

And now, this--Notre Dame is Finally Awake, Jason King says, because they pulled off an unlikely (and profound) asskicking of Louisville. His intro starts off with a huge assumption off the bat: "For the last month, Notre Dame has been the most disappointing team in college basketball. Now we’ll see if it can be the most resilient." Two things here--Notre Dame hasn't been the most disappointing team in basketball, unless you were crazy, stupid, or crazy-stupid enough to expect anything from them in the first place. Secondly--most resilient? After one win? In the same week that they got their asses kicked by a decidedly questionable UCLA squad? (more on that questionable UCLA squad here)

Looking at the box score, it is safe to say that Louisville lost this game as much as Notre Dame won it. (Let's be clear though--I watched a good chunk of this game too, and what I saw is backed by the numbers). Louisville rushed their offense the entire game, firing up 3-pointers for no good reason (firing well below .300 from deep). They didn't get into the paint much, despite their talent in the frontcourt, drawing a total of 12 fouls, and then failing miserably at the line, going 6-13 from the charity stripe. You could credit Notre Dame's awesome defense for holding Louisville to under .400 shooting percentage for the game, but that would be ignoring the fact that Notre Dame doesn't have an awesome defense, and should have been overmatched at almost every position on the floor.

Rather than call this the beginning of the resurgence of Notre Dame, as crazy-ass Jason King does, I'd call it a worrying returning of immaturity for the Cardinals, who did after all, lose to Minnesota, and have some enigmatic guard play, to say the least. This was a "trap game" for them, and they fell in the trap.

Anyone looking to see a big run of success from Notre Dame in the postseason is deluding themselves (don't be surprised to see them do well in their soft as pudding end of year schedule--South Florida, West Virgina, Providence, and Rutgers). I'll be shocked if they don't go at least 3-1 in that span. Doesn't mean they are good.

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 11:06 PM No comments: Links to this post

Friday, February 13, 2009

The Superbowl of Handjobs ...

Viewers tuning into the Superbowl around Tucson were treated to fifteen seconds of free pornographic entertainment. The old switcheroo was perpetrated by unknown perps, an act characterized by the FBI as being of "malicious intent."

The handjob was performed by the sloe-eyed slattern Tristan Kingsley, star of Wild Cherries 5. A self-described "half-Mexican half-Italian ball of fire," she's received loads and loads and loads of attention for the clip.

Comcast quickly offered a $10 rebate to all Christian viewers.

Not to be outdone, Pink Visual, the company offering Wild Cherries 5 on PPV, offered a $10 discount for those viewers who want to see what happens next.

As Tristan explains in her bio, "Don't be scared, it's just sex!"

Thanks to Deadspin where I learned of this delightful frolic.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

USA USA USA Beats Mexico in Unspectacular Fashion

The US, last night, won an "important" game against Mexico in the World Cup qualifying series. Let's be clear--this game was important to win, simply because the US doesn't want to go into their horrific road games with a loss on home soil. However, even given the frequently brutal conditions the team is subjected to on the road, they could probably lose to Mexico and still finish in the Top 3 and thus qualify for the World Cup.

But it is important to beat Mexico, because we hate Mexico when it comes to soccer. And win the US did. But they trotted out an overly defensive lineup for a home game in Columbus--4-2-3-1? Really? Both goals from the US came from horrible, horrible defensive miscues from Mexico. They left Landon Donovan uncovered on the back post on a SET PIECE, which led to the first goal (though it took two tries to score from point blank) and the second goal was nothing but a late game miscue from Messican goalkeeper Oswaldo. No way that second goal should have made it into the net. And the US has our twitchy netminder to thank for keeping a clean sheet. Howard was hung out to dry a couple of times--point blank, at least once, and the Mexicans did their part by firing some shots right at him.

In short--this game, while it will go down in the books as a 2-nil victory, and may be the reason the US finishes in the Top 2, is not one to build a lot of confidence on. That said, let's see what our fellow bloggers said about the game:

The Beautiful Game: It was good to see a little life out of DMB [Demarcus Beasley], but Dempsey was definitely underwhelming...Man, I really wish this team had a finisher. THE guy. Maybe by South Africa 2010 that will be Jozy.

That's On Point: Bradley will get a lot of the platitudes Thursday and going forward, but Wednesday's win had Donovan's stamp all over it -- even without the balding one adding to his U.S.-record total. He set up the second goal by Bradley in the 92nd minute, taking a ball from Jozy Altidore at midfield (via a good advantage call) and cut inside at the edge of the area to find the coach's son unmarked. And yes, Dirty Sanchez probably should have saved it, but nobody feels bad for him, right?

Sanford: Mexico played like a Sven-Goren Eriksson team- mostly well organized, cautious on the break, wasteful in midfield and poor in front of goal. Rafa Marquez, supposedly Mexico's best player, came up small again with another untimely red card for a cheap foul and longtime Mexico keeper Oswaldo Sanchez looked past it, leaking a goal under his armpit in second half stoppage time that any second rate keeper would have smothered.

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 11:57 PM 2 comments: Links to this post

Monday, February 09, 2009

Some Advice for Al Jefferson

It is with great disappointment and sadness that I learned Al Jefferson's injury last night was as serious as it looked. Al tore his ACL, something I am familiar with. As a pretty talented high school junior football player I suffered the same fate. It was ostensibly the end of my football career. Of course, I didn't have a multi-million dollar paycheck to motivate me, nor was the science of the reconstructive surgery and subsequent physical therapy what it is today. Unlike me, I assume Al will return just fine from this most unfortunate setback. The only advice I can give Al is along the lines of how to (or not to) deal with the emotional and physical toll this kind of trauma can inflict.

So Al, if you are reading this and I suspect you are, don't do what I did.

The doctors will want to give you a bunch of different painkillers as you progress from surgery through recovery. Now, you will want to take these meds and you should, to help with the pain, but whatever you do don't do as I did. Do not incessantly ring the nurse for morphine post-surgery. First of all, the nurses don't like dealing with irrational, impatient ~~teenagers~~ people. I guess they find it off-putting to have to respond to the pale, sweaty, shaky requests of a nascent addict. Go figure. Take the minimum morphine that you can. Man up and take the pain.

After you leave the hospital (and your wonderful new friend morphine) you will more than likely be given codeine or some such opiate derivative. Again, do not do as I did. Take the codeine only when you really need it. There are those in this world that frown upon strung-out ~~17 year olds~~ professional athletes. Codeine (or any of its relatives) is a very effective painkiller, and it can really get you high, but it is addictive. Al please pay attention, it is not worth the addiction, to feel as good as you have ever felt every time you pop one (more) of the little pills. It just isn't worth it. You have a career to think about. I only had school, student council leadership, a part-time job at a movie theater and a family to deal with. I was willig to try and make it work, however I don't think you can afford to try to juggle your recovery, pro basketball and an opiate addiction.

Also, do not take your fist-fulls of painkillers with glasses of your mom's Franzia White Zinfadel. Even though it will set you s-s-s-t-raight, it is counterindicated on the prescription bottle. You have to follow the rules, that is what they are there for, or why you scratch that specific part out. Ultimately, addiction is nothing to joke about, unless you are jacked up and joking about it with equally lit friends.

Al, it is a long, ardous path you are about to go down and you need to have the love and support of your friends and family. So, please consider me a friend and take the friendly advice I have offered you here. I have faith you will find yourself fully recovered and getting back to the All-Star game-oh yeah, I almost forgot that you were robbed this year and didn't make the All-Star game. You are young and strong, use that in lieu of narcotics to make it back. It won't be as fun, but you will return to the sport that you love.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

I'm On a Boat

Another just about perfect digital short for SNL. Lots of f-bombs, so make sure their are no children in your work area before you start it up.

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 11:48 PM No comments: Links to this post

Saturday, February 07, 2009

College Basketball Carnage!

Is carnage too strong a word to use to describe amateur athletics results? No. NO. A Thousand Times, NO!

And carnage it was; a veritable explosion of carnagey things exploded onto the national mindgrapes this weekend. Ranked team after ranked team losing, except for the ones that weren't or didn't.

I watched alot of the games from this weekend, and a good chunk of them were super entertaining, and some of them were horrific blowouts and/or embarassments for ranked teams.

Jesus! Jesus! --Let's start with (#8) Marquette's embarrassing Friday night loss to the University of South Florida, on the strength of Jesus Verdejo's 22 points. I didn't see that game, because what network in its right mind would show a game so obviously destined to be a blowout? Of course, it turned out to be a nailbiter with the USF ~~Orange Pickers~~, ~~Epcots~~ Bulls winning by one point, 57-56, giving them their 3rd win in the Big East, putting them right up there with powerhouses Notre Dame, and [sigh] Georgetown. Marquette can credit the USF Bull defense for their below 17% shooting from behind the 3-point line, but that doesn't explain going 10-23 from the charity stripe. If they could have managed 50% at the line, the laws of mathematics strongly suggest a win from the Eagles.

Seminal Seminoles -- Sticking with Florida teams who upset someone better than them, Florida State came back on a Clemson (#10) team that probably thought they had the game in hand, and took a win from a Clemson team that is trying to prove that they aren't all about cupcakes and freaky rivalry wins. Giving up a 19-point lead to Florida State is not the way to do that. Did you know that the 3rd leading scorer in the ACC this year is F State's Toney Douglas? Neither did I. They also have a guy named Solomon Alabi, who is going into my mental list of cool college basketball names.

Devils Trump Will Smith Love -- Miami almost, almost knocked off Duke tonight, but couldn't quite do it. That said--Duke looked all sorts of out of sorts, and if they are planning on relying on Greg Paulus to win them games (as they did tonight) then they should be worried. Bobby Knight talked tonight about how Duke seems to be a team that doesn't deal with an aggressive, physical team very well. I'd start looking for aggressive, pressure-defenses in the Missouri Valley Conference that could beat Duke now, and maybe win your workplace pool come March (because you know Duke isn't getting anything below a 3 seed.)

Professor X, Back in the Wheelchair --We are not done with the bottom half of the Top 10 losing. Everyone's favorite non-dark horse dark horse, Xavier, got beat in the A-10, as had to happen. But to Duquesne? Duquesne? (I'm not expressing shock--I'm just having trouble spelling Duquesne.) Out of the all the recaps I've linked to so far, I really have to recommend Alan Robinson's recap of this game. He throws out a number of crazy statistics about how unlikely this win was. My favorite--Duquesne did not have a field goal over the last 7:44 of the game. And WON. Given that Xavier has lost to Duke and Butler, but has achieved enough to be in the Top 10, this game leads to big questions about A-10 berths in March. It is the type of loss that the NCAA committee will use to give a very good team a very bad seed (say "Hello" to a #5 seed, Xavier)

Husk That Corn, Bitches -- Texas lost to Nebraska, for its 3rd straight loss. Time to stop talking about the Longhorns.

Can't Get Defense From an Orange -- Villanova pissed all over Syracuse, scoring 102 points, and winning by 17. Both of these teams are ranked in the Top 25. One of them, apparently, should not be. Before the Big East season started, I would have said that team was Villanova. I was wrong. Hilariously, Coach & Bespectacled Ferret Jim Boeheim blamed Syracuse's loss on their offense, and not their defense. Bad idea, coach. (Quick moment here: I was watching another game where the commentators were talking about this game, and one of the guys kept pronouncing Syracuse as "Sarah Hughes"--incorrect. It is Sear-A-Kuse. C'mon fellas. Listen to your Diction for TV teachers.) I should also mention that I don't think either of these teams are all that great, and could be knocked off by an unheralded Big 12 or Mid Major team.

Jason King Is a Joker -- Back in November, Yahoo Sport's Jason King said this: "No. 2 Connecticut, No. 3 Louisville and No. 4 Pittsburgh...right now, Notre Dame is better than all of them." It was laughable then. It is fucking hilarious now. #15 UCLA became the 7th straight team to beat Notre Dame, and they did so easily, winning by 26. No one will be surprised when Notre Dame loses in the First Round...of the NIT. Awww, SNAP! [Update: Jason King still has a job at Yahoo Sports, apparently]

Other stuff: UConn won a game against Michigan that was super entertaining--watch out for Michigan as soon as next year, as coach Beilein gets recruits who play his system well (remember that crazy West Virginia team with Kevin Pittsnogle and Mike Gansey? Imagine that system with NBA quality guys). Memphis DESTROYED Gonzaga. I watched that one, and couldn't believe how shoddy the vaunted Gonzaga defense looked against the Tigers. Tyreke Evans might be the best freshman in the country, but I know he can be forced into bad decisions. Memphis is not as unbeatable as this result suggests. Gonzaga is that easily beat. Don't hitch your horse to that Pacific Northwest, mushroom munchin' pony. Oklahoma, the quietest Top 3 team in recent memory, survived a scare from Colorado. I have talked to friends who follow College Basketball, who have yet to see Blake Griffin play this year. He reminds me of Karl Malone, if Karl Malone weren't a dick; he reminds me of Tyler Hansborough, if Tyler had coordination; he's the best big man in the game.

Video Proof:

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 11:59 PM 2 comments: Links to this post

Just Another Day In Wisconsin: Poisoned Turkeys

Wild Turkeys. 200 of them. Poisoned.

Really, Wisconsin? REALLY?

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 10:17 AM 7 comments: Links to this post

For the Record, Anaconda...

I very very recently referenced the movie Anaconda.

In the course of my ~~YouTubing~~ research, I discovered that a lot of old Siskel and Ebert reviews are available on YouTube. Which is of course fantastic news--I miss those guys, especially as the new generation of At the Movies totally sucks. (I'm looking squarely at you, Ben Lyons, you waste of syndicated, Saturday afternoon TV time.)

But I thought we could start a fun game--wager on the Thumbs from a classic movie review. So, before you watch the below review, throw your guess into the comments--2 Thumbs Up, 1 and 1, or 2 Thumbs Down. Will they love it? Will they hate it? Will one love it, as the other looks on in shock? Will one of them suggest an Oscar for Jon Voight?

Go ahead, guess. Motherfucker.

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 12:11 AM 2 comments: Links to this post

Friday, February 06, 2009

To Answer Ice Cube, Yes, There Were Snakes Out There That Big

Scientists find the fossilized remains of an ancient, 2000 pound snake that probably ate ancient crocodiles.

I use that as an excuse to post the trailer to Anaconda. Which act is contributing more to society? Hard to say.

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 11:32 PM No comments: Links to this post

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Wisconsin: Perversion Revolution

The perverts and the panty-sniffing pederasts of the Cheddarwurst State have been innovating like crazy the last few years.

We had the guy who argued that sex with a dead deer doesn't count as bestiality. (which does raise some interesting points. I believe the defendent got probation mainly just for being fucking creepy.)

There was the fella, just a month or so ago, who argued that his girlfriend, by being intimate with him, had implicity agreed that she was cool videotaping her having sex with him. Classy.

And now, a new Wisconsinite pioneer of scumbaggery has planted his flag on "virgin" territory--Facebook! Some troubled young lad (I wonder if he has watched Heathers a lot?) posed as a girl on Facebook, convinced younger lads from his school (New Berlin Eisenhower) to send "her" photos of themselves in states of undress, and then used those photos to extort sexual shenanigans from the lads in question.

Since some of the kids were 15 years old, and our alleged perp was 18, he is in a lot of trouble. 300 years of jail type trouble.

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 11:36 AM 5 comments: Links to this post

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Warms The Schaudenfraude Part of the Heart

Is there anything better than watching Duke just getting their dog fucking walked? Clemson just ripped them a new one tonight. It felt good to see. Does delighting in their misfortune make me a bad person? I'm OK with it if it does.

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 8:36 PM 2 comments: Links to this post

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Detroit's NBC Affiliate Channel 4 - The Number 1 Move of by a Local Affilate of All Time!

As many of you know the folks in Michigan are less than fond of Matt Millen. Since Millen has been fired he has rejoined various retired coaches to commentate for NBC and for Super Bowl XLIII. So, when Millen's talking head came on the screen Channel 4 did this:

In case you were laughing as the scroll went by here it is:

"Matt Millen was president of the Lions for the worst eight-year run in the history of the NFL"..."Knowing his history with the team, is there a credibility issue as he now serves as an analyst for NBC Sports?"

Bravo, kudos, and excelsior to you Channel 4.

Thanks to Yahoo's Showdown Corner

Monday, February 02, 2009

YOU MAKE THE CALL!!

The IDYFT (not Alcoa) presents you make the call! So, here is the play, now pretend you're a replay official actually looking at this and MAKE THE CALL!

So, what do you think? Now, it's my understanding that if the ball is moving forward before contact, it's a pass. The replay shows clearly that Warner's arm moves forward into Woodley's hand. It's also my understanding that the ball must be knocked out of Warner's hand to be a fumble. It is not. While the pass is ugly, it stays in his hand until he releases it forward.

Well, you know my call - what's yours?

UPDATE:

It appears that VP of officiating for the NFL has stated two things I don't believe for a second.
1. The play was reviewed. That would have to be the fastest review in NFL history.
2. The passer must have total control for the ball to be a pass.

Did you read the rule book? I did.

It says the following, not what was released by the NFL. I guess the NFL learned through the Bush government that you can say anything to the press and they'll buy it because they are too lazy to do any research. Here's the rule, FROM THE RULE BOOK:

(Under Rule 3, Section 21, Article 3)

Note 1: When a Team A player is holding the ball to pass it forward, any intentional movement
forward of his hand starts a forward pass. If a Team B player contacts the passer or
the ball after forward movement begins, and the ball leaves the passer’s hand, a forward
pass is ruled, regardless of where the ball strikes the ground or a player."

The word "control" doesn't even appear in the forward pass section of the rule book.

Allen Iverson: Worse Than Hitler

He makes loud noises in gambling establishments! Until asked to quiet down!

Direct from the CJ column, a casino rep tells the tawdry tale:

"After an hour or so, things started getting loud with Iverson and a buddy sharing a bizarre call and answer session," said Sussman, with whom I communicated via e-mail and telephone. Iverson was calling out,Where you from?, and his buddy was responding, South Side Chicaaaaagoooooo. This was LOUD. After about 10 minutes of this and everyone in the room yelling at them to shut up, the star-struck pit bosses finally went over and asked them to keep it down. The noise subsided and the group left without further incident,"

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 10:22 AM 2 comments: Links to this post

Sunday, February 01, 2009

IDYFT Superbowl Pick 'Em Winner

A hell of a fine Superbowl it was. The Pittsburgh Steelers are your six-time World Champions. Both Barnyard and Lucy originally picked the Steelers to win it all and both benefit from +10 bonus points.

Here's how the Superbowl bonus points broke down, in case you're scoring along at home:

1) The Steelers Won
2) S. Holmes MVP
3) K. Warner QB rating
4) W. Parker rushing
5) S. Holmes receiving
6) A. Wilson tackles
7) Dansby/Harrison/Woodley turnovers
8) 27-23 final score

And the winner is ...

Standings
1. Barnyard: 71 (this week +20)
2. Adw: 57 (this week +16)
3. Lucy: 46 (this week +26)
4. B. Freight: 42 (this week +9, Bullseye on the 27-23 final score)
5. Jess: 40 (this week +16)
6. MMMan: 37 (this week +2)
7. Miwacar: 34 (this week +10)
8. Big BM: 27 (this week -4, ouch)

Thanks to all you ~~suckers~~ folks for participating and allowing me access to your social security number and bank accounts. In a way, we're all winners. But, in a much more realistic way, Barnyard is the winner.

Barnyard, please which specifies: to whom you would like the book dedicated, your address, and the secret of your incredible success.

Trouble BREWING for Altidore

Jozy Altidore the future of the American Men's soccer attack is making what I deem to be a perilous move. The young stud (see photo of him leaving Rafa Marquez in the dirt) has been loaned from Villareal to Xerez in the Spanish second division. Xerez finds itself just 3 points from the lead of the division. Normally, this move would be a positive development for a young American who is trying to refine the skills needed to become the international star that many think he is destined to be. It will give him minutes on the pitch, something that he has lacked on the Villareal squad.

Unfortunately, those of us in the know, Barnyard I am looking at you, know that Xerez is the birthplace of sherry. The fortified wine preferred by upper class Brits and all socio-economic level Spaniards, could be the ruin of a young, impressionable Altidore. Like any of us who found ourselves in a foreign land at the age of 19, young Altidore will more than likely drink his weight in the local swill on a regular basis. I don't wish to begrudge Jozy his chance to explore binge drinking and all the wonderful benefits it offers. I will only mourn the great loss of potential that will slowly wash down the drain, like so many sherry induced upchucks.

Blogger Round-Up

The lads at Unprofessional Foul discuss a celebration by a Cote d'Ivorian that totally wasn't celebrating/protesting a political prisoner (because the English frown on that) but a WWE wrestler. I, like the lads at Unprofessional Foul don't believe Solomon Kalou. We disagree on the following points--calling Kalou a "bad striker" seems mean and not true, especially for people living in the United Staes and thinking about the possibility of Kenny Cooper being on the 18 man roster; also, we've done our research, and "political prisoner" seems like strong language to describe Antoine Tiemoko. Apparently all he did was write a mean piece of op-ed. It's called freedom of the press, and even the Russian Plutocrats who own the Premiership should be behind that concept. Protesting the jailing of such a man should not be a big deal.

The Beautiful Game has an absolutely painful video to watch, particularly for strikers. Occasional contributer Barnyard would say that this guy could not finish a sandwich. Or that he could not score in a monkey whorehouse with pockets full of bananas.

The Big Picture wants to know if you would do college basketball fan Ashley Judd. In our humble opinion, that question is stupid.

Rumors and Rants steps all up in our shit, with a story about Wacky Wisconsin--apparently the kindly, high, rainstick-owning members of the Wisconsin Supreme Court have decided that Cheerleading is a contact sport. We would argue that it has to be a sport before it can be a contact sport.

Posted by Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening at 12:43 AM No comments: Links to this post

Hook Up With Us on Facebook

Follow this blog

Famous People Wear Our Shirts Under Their Clothes All the Time

Andrew Wice is a Novelist

Contributor, NFL Analyst/Therapist, Darling of the Art Scene of the Southwest Desert Region, Andrew Wice--he's been a number of things, but now it is official--we can now add Published Novelist to the list.

What happens when there is not enough water to satisfy the thirsts of the millions of souls in the American Southwest? "To the Last Drop" has a guess, and it ain't pretty.

Buy it now, and send an email to , and the author will (for a very limited time) pen an angry letter to the person of your choice.