Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Matty L Takes a Bareback Ride

A hearty congratulations from those of us at I Dislike Your Favorite Team to new papa and former first round draft pick Matt Leinart. According to Matt's soon to be baby's mama's daddy, Matt has been trolling in the most unlikely of places for his first foray into Shawn Kemp-dom: the women's basketball team. Rarely on pace with women's volleyball, and more commonly in the company of women's softball, the women's basketball team at USC breaks the mold with newly minted mommy Brynn Cameron.

And while Leinart deserves his kudos for irresponsibly screwing sexy Southern Californians, the real hero in this story is Ms. Cameron's father, who proved as shrewd as Joe Simpson in announcing his daughter's pregnancy to the world and assuring a comfy ride on the new QB's coattails. Downside: my darling girl is carrying a bastard child; upside: season tickets for life. I don't think it is a reach to suggest this is every father's dream.

As far as impacting the Cardinals future, I see a real problem arising between Leinart and current head coach Denny Green, who made the other choice when in the same situation. Leinart would also be well served to avoid the overly god-based advice of "mentor" Kurt Warner and his boyfriend-looking wife. It's a minefield for the impressionable young man and the Cardinals top brass must be kicking themselves for not latching onto Jeff George while he was still available.

A Popular Pick for 2006 Champs is WRONG

Last year, the Colts started out 13-0. They had finally added a stout defense to the high-powered offense. Most of their wins came over chumps but they did beat New England (40-21), Cincy (45-37 -- anyone see that one? It was fucking hot) and future Superbowl Champion Pittsburgh (26-7).

Let's revisit that lovely December 18th home dome game against future non-playoff contenders San Diego Chargers. This game provides the first evidence to support my 100% contention that the Colts will ABSOLUTELY not win it all and any talking head/sportswriter who claims otherwise is as dumb as a woman.

How did the Chargers beat the Invincible Team of Destiny, Hype & Hyperbole? Especially when Manning threw for 336 yards? The Chargers held the Colts to 24 yards rushing and ran for 206. The Colts are fast on D but crumble before a power running team. Deny their ability to run and they lose control of the clock. This will be a key to the Colts losing in the playoffs yet again.

After that loss, the Colts went into a nosedive that was just fucking hilarious. They were the most demoralized 14-2 team in the history of the NFL. When the playoffs began, they hadn't played hard in a month. And they went home three hours later. This is something that is becoming very apparent: the Colts don't have the testicularity to win the big game.

You see, just because you can drop 45 points on St. Louis, 38 on Houston (the Colts ran up the #1 point differential in the league), what matters is if you can win a close game against a good team. Pittsburgh won, 18-21.

That is the evidence from last year. You say, Badcock, I see what you're getting at but the Colts are an elite team and only need a little tweaking to go "over the top" (a reference to the classic Stallone film Hardbodies 2). I say, I'm going to give you an inside-out pink sock if you don't shut up.

For salary cap reasons, the Colts chose to re-sign WR Reggie Wayne rather than RB Edgerrin James. Once again, a team grunts out a moneyshot all over a WR, to the detriment of the team. Don't believe me? I've got numbers for you.

Reggie Wayne had an excellent year as the #2 receiver, and is expected to supplant "FHOF" Harrison in the next few years. However, RB James is so very much more valuable. How much? Check it:

Receiving Yards
Wayne 83-1055 5 TD (40% of receiving, 17% TD by WRs)
James 44-337 1 TD (75% of receiving, 100% TD by RBs)

Rushing Yards
Wayne 0-0 0 TD
James 360-1506 13 TD (88% of rushing,72% TD by RBs)

Please allow me to continue to crunch these numbers before your eyes: the evidence is compelling that Dungy has pulled a king-sized boner -- and I don't mean by being such a bad father that his son killed himself to escape.

Touches is an important way of evaluating the value of a player to his team:
Wayne 83-1055 for 5 TD (8% of team touches)
James 404-1843 for 14 TD (41% of team touches)

There is a much bigger drop-off in production with the backup RBs than backup WRs. The Colts also claimed they made the decision because of ages, even though James is only two years older. And as for James's health? He has averaged 320 carries since 2001 knee surgery.

I hope that I am convincing you that this was a huge boner by the Colts. Not quite on par with the Vikings-Cowboys trade (Herschel Walker traded for 3 Superbowls), but I predict that this will go down in history as the deal that cemented Manning to Marino. Here's a quick quiz: what was Dan Marino lacking that kept the all-time record holding QB from ever winning the Superbowl? I'll give you a hint, it rhymes with "cunning came."

Don't misunderstand: despite letting their MVP leave and having some holes on the defense, the Colts play in a division with shitty, shitty teams and for some reason (despite being the #1 AFC seed in last year's playoffs) have again one of the top-ten easiest schedules. They will beat plenty of teams. But they will lose in the playoffs, again. I just told you why. I dare you to challenge Badcock.

Monday, August 28, 2006

The QB so nice they named him twice!!!

That's right, the Raiders have signed JEFF GEORGE. 46-78 career record. He was cut from the Redskins, and hasn't played in 5 seasons, and is 38 years old. Jeff George? Jeff George? Who's next, Robert Smith? - I'm not talking about the old running back for the Vikings, I'm talking about the lead singer of The Cure.

He likes silver and black, and the Raiders obviously need a cure for their post Superbowl loss disease. He could toss the ball (and the teams salad) up for the young Moss to catch, but the Raiders have the old Moss. As he slows down he's going to regret his work ethic as he drops down the depth chart and ends up the third receiver on the Lions. Rubbing your ass on the Green Bay goal post will not get you into the hall of fame, busting your ass like Jerry Rice will. Don't get me wrong though, the ass rubbing should get you some sort of honorable mention.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

My Old Lady's NFL Picks, Part I

It is high time that my Old Lady gets to offer her own brand of prognostication to this blog, or so she tells me. She says, “You and your boyfriends don’t know shit from Shinola…” and that she can, “…pick the NFL division by division better than anyone else.” I told her that she could go ahead and do so, if she would just put down the butcher knife and skillet before she hurts someone. So, being the loving, obedient pooch that I am, here are my Old Lady’s NFL picks division by division, starting with the AFC, with her rationale for each:


Two words: Tom Brady. Two more words: luxury timepieces

Yes, I know it’s lame to pick a team based heavily on the attractiveness of the team’s players, but in my defense, 1.) The Patriots have the best overall team, so the point is moot, and 2.) If there were Major League Softball, don’t you tell me you hetero boys wouldn’t be picking whatever team Jennie Finch was on:

Patriots win the division (11-5). The rest of the division is a jumbled mess of mediocrity and although both Losman and Pennington are slightly cute, they are not Brady material. D-Pepp made my man angry with his animosity and eventual departure from the Vikings, so screw him and the Fish. I guess I’ll have to pick the rest of the division based on uniforms, because there is little else to go on. Jets have classic design appeal going for them, so Gang Green, even though they’ll have no running game, is my pick for 2nd (9-7). The Bills’ uniforms are a little overwhelming with that All-American theme (7-9), but it’s way better than sea blue/green and coral. Shit, the Dolphins have the worst color scheme on the planet. If I had my way, and I usually do, they wouldn’t win another game until they changed their uniforms to something a little more masculine and a lot less South Beach (0-16)…well, ok, they actually might finish second in the division (9-7).


For me, picking the Broncos to finish 11-5 is one of the easier picks to make. After all, I loved My Little Pony when I was a girl and that Jake Plummer is the spitting image of one of those horsy dolls.

I just want to comb his hair. Plus, their run game makes it hard on the rest of the division’s sub-par defense. I go with the Chargers to finish 2nd. I love the Bolts and I can’t help but think of super-hunk Nick Rivers of Top Secret fame when I see Phillip Rivers commanding that offense (10-6). The Chiefs will finish third. Lots of offense (including the name) + no defense + Herm Edwards = 3rd Place in the division (9-7). The Raiders will come in last. Those sweet uniforms at least make the team look tough as hell, but we all know the truth: Art Shell is just a big, cuddly, hall-of-famer who I feel sorry for. He has to work under that crazy old bitch who owns the team and he inherits a program that just hasn’t played football as the rest of the league knows it since they made it to the Superbowl (5-11).


The Steelers own this division thanks to the best uniforms in the league. I think they even have a chick playing in the defensive backfield for them

which is totally cool and explains why they won it all last year. Steel Curtain 2006 will end the season 12 – 4 and take a shot at defending their title. The Pretty Kitties (Bengals) will have another good season if and only if that receiver of theirs -- Jaws from James Bond --stops wearing those horrendous gold teeth. And what’s with their upper crust, prep school QB: ”Hi lovey, its me, Carson Palmer” (11-5). Ravens…I love Edgar Allen Poe and my brother lives in Baltimore, but I think their uniforms could be so much cooler. Steve McNair is great, or was, but we’ll see how he pans out at NFL QB Purgatory (9-7). Browns, Browns, Browns (7-9).


The Colt’s classic uni’s have an understated refinement that harkens back to bygone eras. That blue is a little femmy, but it is way cooler than Oiler/Titan Blue (powder pastel puke), Jacksonville Teal (or whatever you call that monstrosity of a color), and the classic All-American Blue of the Texans (patriotic crap if you ask me). That said, I am actually picking this division based on QB’s. Peyton Manning’s anal antics make him great fun to watch (11-5). Byron Leftwich is adorable and I like his smile (Jaguars 10-6). I don’t know anything about Billy Volek, but I do know he is on a much better team than the Texans (Titans 8-8). Ah, David Carr with your pretty face and your gunslinger attitude, when are you going to decide to be a football player? (Texans 6-10).

Tune in next time for my NFC picks. Later, bitches.

Snakes on The Tuna

"Snakes On a Plane" may be a hilarious movie, it may be an awful movie, it doesn't matter. It points us in a new direction of movie titles, where instead of symbolic bullshit, we get a very simple declarative sentence and/or phrase that says what the movie is about.

Very few film genres suffer from overblown titles like Sports Movies. Obviously, sports movies can't be as general with their nouns as "Snakes on a Plane", because very quickly, we'd have thousands of movies called either "Underdogs Shockingly Win" or "Underdogs Get To the Championship and Lose".

But still, sports movie titles have rarely been as straightforward as "Snakes on a Plane" is, and while watching the Twins use their deep bullpen and timely hitting to beat the White Sox again, I was struck by this idea. What if sports movies did use this format? Noun, preposition, noun.

We'll make it a quiz, just to be more interactive. First up, the movie titles, and then the names they would have had, if Samuel Fucking Jackson had anything to say about it.

1. Chariots of Fire
2. Bagger Vance
3. Rudy
4. Victory
5. Murderball
6. Caddyshack
7. Happy Gilmore (thanks to the commentors who pointed out that I had managed to conflate two very different Adam Sandler movies)
8. Invincible
9. Field of Dreams
10. Gleaming the Cube

New titles, match them up!
a. Dicks on Boards
b. Black Dude on a Golf Course
c. White Guys Under 4 Minutes
d. Cripples on a Court
e. Ghosts in a Field
f. Schlub in Philly
g. Idiot on a Golf Course
h. Groundhog Under a Golf Course
i. Italian Stallion on a Nazi Pitch
j. Hobbit On a Quarterback.

answer key coming!

Saturday, August 26, 2006

The Browns?

I just feel bad for the Browns. They are in a tough division and spent a lot of money to improve with free agency. Unfortunately, over-the-hill NT Ted Washington and WR Joe "Just a White Guy Getting Paid" Jurevicius aren't going to help much. The smartest acquisition was massive C LeCharles Bentley (French for "The Charles Bentley"), necessary for the AFC North 3-4 defenses. But he is on IR already.
The had a big shake-up amongst the executives. That usually makes the players sad, like a puppy when it is taken out of the puppy mill and given to some guy who might possibly be of Korean descent. But I digress.
Nothing like having to choose between Trent "Hey I Was in the Superbowl!" Dilfer and Charlie "Batch" Frye. Cleveland's two best receivers are recovering from major knee surgeries. They have no good backup for RB Droughns, even with the return of Suggs. Now the Jets & Browns can't even conduct a trade properly [heads-up to nerd in chief Big Blue for that info; incidentally, did you know: "heads-up!" actually is originally a soccer (or futbol) term, exclaimed when one player is ready to blow a load over the other player's face].
The run defense is as weak as Irish baby bladders. Ring-bearers LB McGinest and NT Washington must improve a D that tellingly ranked 30th in opponents' rush yards per game AS WELL AS 30th in sacks.
So the Browns won't be very good. Big deal. It's hard to hate them. I mean, everyone expects them to be bad every year. And then they are bad. I'd rather make fun of your mom's rubber panties.

Twins t'Win; Twins t'Win, Twins t'Win!

So with their smooth operatin' legerdemain, the Twins beat the White Sox tonight to take over the lead of the Wild Card race and pull within 4 1/2 games of the oddly struggling Le Tigre.

All of the talking dickheads on ESPN at some point have said something along the lines of, "While the Twins would be very dangerous in the post season, there is no reason to believe they could overtake the Red Sox or White Sox for the Wild Card, much less the Tigers for the AL Central." In fact, most of those bloviators, if they predicted a Detroit collapse (which many, many people did, while taking breaths from fellating Jim Leyland) would posit that it would be the White Sox who benefitted.

Here's why they were wrong, and here's why the Twins will end up in the postseason, and they will be the team that no one wants to play.

1. Starting pitching. Ugly little secret about Chicago's pitching. Their aces aren't as good as they were last year. Buerle in particular stands out as being a disappointment, but really none of their guys are the monsters they were last year. The Twins have a similar situation with Carlos Silva, whose sinker ends up routinely falling right through the middle of the strike zone, when it used to fall right before it got to the power area of a hitter. So, both teams had a very reliable 15 game winner, and neither one will get there this year, so what's the difference? Reason #2 & #3.

2. Adaptability. The Twins have been able to get wins from starting pitchers galore, and it looks like Matt Garza has settled in, after working the Orioles for his first win. Boof Bonser had a 3 hitter after 6 innings against the O's as well. The White Sox don't have any great arms hiding in their minor league system, or we would have seem them by now.

3. Bullpen. The Twins have the best bullpen in the majors, period. Brad Radke tonight didn't make it past the 2nd inning, with stiffness in his bad shoulder. For many teams, that would have been trouble. For the Twins, and their stable of Guerrier, Neshek, Reyes, Nathan, et. al, it meant pitching 7 innings with a combined 1 scored run. Meanwhile, the Chicago bullpen fell apart, giving the Twins just enough runs to win. As we were watching the game, I said to miwacar that I thought that seeing Jenks in the game wouldn't be a bad thing for the Twins. Jenks throws hard, yeah, but there's more to pitching than that. Meanwhile, when Joe Nathan comes in, the game is essentially over. I don't know if he's blown a save yet this year.

4. Small Ball. Last year, the Sox were consummate small ball players with dangerous power in the middle of thier line up. This year, they seem to be relying on the long ball a lot more. Jose Guillen has offered up more respect for the bottom of the Twin's order than any media outlet, calling the light hitting, but speedy 7-9 hitters of the Twins as "piranhas"--presumably, because they take lots of small bites out of you. Couple that with Joe Maurer, still the best hitter in baseball, and Justin Morneau, with his 110 RBI's, you have a team that scores in lots of different ways. Bartlett delivered the game winning RBI tonight, after two slap singles up the middle to put guys in scoring position.

5. AJ pierzinski sucks.

Friday, August 25, 2006

One Very Angry Drunk Man's Take on the Worst of the NFL

For those who haven't read badcock's predictions, with their questionable math, libelous nicknames, and palpable hate for bad franchises (I liked it best when he called Al Davis the "old lady in a tracksuit") we are compelled to organize them for you here.

Jets/49's/ Texans
Motor City Kitties
Oakland Raiders

Finally, try to find a less flattering portrait of a team written by a guy who predicts that team to win their division. Go ahead and try!

Chicago Bears.

I would argue that badcock is wrong about the Texans and the Lions. But that's why we play the games, and all that other shit. Also, anyone who is writing up profiles of bad teams and leaves off the horrendous Cleveland Browns, and their 4-12 record this year isn't doing their job properly, in my mind.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

The first overrall pick goes to ...

Perhaps the best way to begin the analysis of the worst teams in the NFL is by glancing at a trade between two of them. The Jets received mediocre RB Kevan Barlow. The 49ers received a Joe Namath bobblehead and a complete set of the Left Behind book series.

Barlow was upset with the trade, mainly because Nolan assured him he wouldn't be dealt. He told the newspaper Nolan was a "first-time head coach with too much power ... He walks around with a chip on his shoulder, like he's a dictator, like he's Hitler. People are scared of him. If it ain't Nolan's way, it's the highway ... [the trade] was dirty. He had no respect for me or the organization. He doesn't know about the 49ers way, and that's too bad because even his dad was coach of the 49ers. Bill Walsh set the standard there, and he ain't living up to it."

Don't worry, Barlow apologized: "I was kind of harsh on him, saying he's a dictator. That's bad. Saddam Hussein is a dictator. I was speaking on emotion."

A peak inside the numbers shows illustrate some difficulties for both teams. Barlow ran for 581 yards and only 3 TDs (tied for most on team), with a poor 3.3 yards-per-carry. The entire Jets team, however, only had 7 rushing TDs and were ranked 31st in rushing.

Mike Nolan? Sorry, the worst coaching acquisition in the NFL (narrowly beating out Rams D-Coordinator Jim "I Fold" Haslett) was 49ers O-Coordinator Nerf "Lifetime Winning % way below .500" Turner. Somehow this boner is still called a Genius, even though he's a proven suck-job. And perhaps, during his Genius years in Dallas, more than a pittance can be attributed to Aikman, Irvin, Smith and Satan (the owner). I suffered through long, terrible seasons with this guy as head coach of my team. He sucks. Enjoy those screen passes on third and sixteen, suckers.
Last year, QB Alex Smith fumbled 10 times and threw 11 INTs before his first and only TD. The 49ers are now relying on talented Frank "Delicate as a Haiku" Gore, who has had surgeries on both knees and both shoulders. Last year the 49ers were dead last in total offense and total defense. Expect that to continue. But will they be worse than the Jets?

Rebuilding with a brand-new first-time head coach. Pennington has never had a cannon and after two surgeries on his throwing arm he can't make the throws. Ramsey will likely emerge as the eventual starter. Bringing in RBs Suggs and Barlow isn't the same thing as having Curtis Martin in his prime. The O-Line is the most palsied bunch of sucks this side of the Texans line. Although you have to love the name "D'Brickashaw Ferguson." The defense will also be garbage. Gutted by free agency, the Jets will have trouble returning to their 2005 form (e.g. 29th in opponents' rushing yards per game). Luckily, they cut their best player (CB Ty Law led the NFL in interceptions) and will now ask 5'10" Andre Dyson to be the #1 CB. The Jets have a long road of rebuilding ahead, and fans shouldn't be too optimistic. People have to wonder about the Jets GM. Case in point? Now that the dust has settled, let's compare the receivers in the Coles-Moss trade. Remember, Coles wanted off the Redskins to go back to the Jets because he wasn't featured enough in the Redskins offense (despite having 80 catches). Without further ado...

Coles: 73-845 (11.6 yard avg) 5 TD, on a team that won 4 games and will be worse

Moss: 84-1483 (17.7 yard avg) 9 TD, on a team that came within two games of the

I'll keep this mercifully brief.
Expect to see CB Demarcus Faggins be abused deep. Homosexually, too.

I'm finally done with the really shitty teams. That was getting depressing. Shitty teams, I dislike you!

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Massage Therapist Scorned

So says Justin Gatlin's coach:

His coach, Trevor Graham, who's been involved with at least a half-dozen athletes who've received drug suspensions, has contended Gatlin tested positive after a vengeful massage therapist used testosterone cream on the runner without his knowledge.

In the meantime, Gatlin has agreed to an 8-year ban from track and field, which basically would mean his career is over. Apparently, he still has the right to argue that the steroids got into his system without his knowledge.

It seems he will also be co-operating with investigators on anti-doping measures. Which is curious--how can he supply information if the steroids got into him without his knowledge?

I guess it should be noted that Gatlin is also forfeiting his World Record, which means we now have only fastest man--Asafa Powell.

Until he gets busted.

Motor City Miasma

The Lions are the other candidate for the worst team in the NFL North. The failings of the Packers are delineated below. Why will the Detroit Lions suck so bad this year? That's like asking a duck-fucker why he likes fucking ducks so much. It's just what they do.
Try and deny it. No team has been worse than the Lions over the last five years. No one has even been close. We're talking a four-win average for five years running. Apparently no one told Matt Millen that the days of the dynasty are supposed to be over. The Lions are the Diarrhea Dynasty of the 21st Century. This is sort of funny but also sort of sad, like when a baby dies from AIDS.
Millen brings in his third head coach, Rod "Who?" Marinelli. New O-Cooridinator Mike "Overrated" Martz's first job will be to preside over the quarterback "competition" between Messrs. Kitna and McCown. My guess is Kitna will get the nod, his experience as a punching bag on shitty teams trumping his popgun arm. But it's a toss-pot, really. Would you prefer McCown's 9 TD: 11 INT or Kitna's 0 TD: 2 INT ratios for 2005?
The Lions offense was ranked 26th in rushing yards, 26th in passing yards, and (tellingly) 28th in scoring. What have they done to change this, besides bringing in yet another coach? Jack and shit, and Jack just left town to get on the Washington Redskins bandwagon. Toot toot!
The role of Marshall Faulk will be played by Kevin Jones, whose lack of pass-catching skills (20-109 and 0 TD's) will regrettably undermine Martz's system. The WR's are very good but the Lions have followed most NFL teams down the path of spending ALL of their draft picks and money on the skill position which touches the ball the least. Roy Williams, Charles Rogers and Mike Williams are all first round picks. Yet they had (respectively) 45 catches, 14 catches and 29 catches. By contrast, the Lions punted 84 times in 2005 -- yes, that's more than all them fellows put together. The O-Line is a combination of sissies and underachievers.
On the D-Line, lone talent DT Shaun Rogers will be double- and triple-teamed. Insert your joke here. The LBs are fast but lack size, durability and nutsacks. The only reason Detroit didn't give up more yards in the air is because they were behind by big points all year. Dre Bly and Kenoy "$10,000 fine" Kennedy are talented but inconsistent, and the other starters and backups are substandard, even for the NFC North.
Well there you have it, folks. I encourage you, dear reader, to begin to debate this topic: who will suck worse in the suckiest division in football, Detroit or Green Bay? Their first head-to-head game will be September 24th. I will not be watching.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

No More Tears

The big question for the NFC North -- the Dana Plato of the 2006-2007 NFL season -- is who will be worse, the Packers or the Lions? This might be the most difficult prediction for the entire year. I mean, they both really suck.

Watching Farver strap it on for another season is like when you watch a horror film and you're screaming "Don't go into the basement!" and they just stroll on down the cellar stairs ... hmm, the light switch doesn't work, the bulb must be out.
At long last, Packer-haters may get to see what they've been waiting a long time to see: Brett Farver suffering a season-ending injury. Badcock will now tell you why.

The Packers O-Line has steadily eroded to the point where one has to assume the ownership WANTS Farve to die. The best lineman on last year's shitty, shitty line (31st in the league in yards-per-rush), C Mike Flanagan, skipped town.
What I don't understand is why the Packer-faithful (see how faithful they are after they post losing seasons the next 5 years) so ardently wanted Farve to return.
He should have retired before last year's SIDS baby came into the brutally cold light of day. Brett "You Have to Say 'Future First-Ballot Hall of Famer' Under Penalty of Law" Farvre finished 31st in passer rating last year. That's bad. That's really, really bad. He was a crappier quarterback, statistically, than Boobs Bollinger of the Jets and BOTH of the Baltimore Raven's "quarterbacks." That's really, really bad. But, Packer-Fackers will proclaim, Farvre brings the experience and determination of a one-time Superbowl MVP to the huddle. That's true. Unfortunately, once the ball is snapped, you'd be better off with Boobs Bollinger.

What about his grit, his come-from-behind heroics, his endurance? In the last ten games of the year, Farver threw 6 TDs and 21 INTs.

So the big problem for the Pack is the Farvre Albatross. But that's just where it starts. Nothing says "running game" like an entirely new blocking scheme, especially when the best RB is coming off a surgically repaired quadricep. Nothing says "passing game" like trading away the best WR on your team. They have chosen to go into the year with Donald "Zamboni" Driver as their #1 receiver. It doesn't matter -- he'll never see the ball.

The Packers have their fourth defensive coordinator in four years. Last year they were 23rd in the league in opponents' rushing yards per game. Expect that to get worse, because the offense will be even worse than last year. This means a lot more playing time for the underweight D-Line. The LBs are low quality, so the Packers may be starting two rookie LBs. Don't think people won't be looking to take advantage of that. An inability to thus stop the run will be trouble for the pass defense. I predict there will be a lot of big pass plays against the Packer secondary. They have two talented but gamble-prone CBs who will be playing without help, for the safeties will have to be in the box.

Favrer will get hurt because his team will always be behind in points and time of possession. He'll be chucking desperate haymakers by halftime. I predict that he will be on his way to setting the INT record when he suffers a career-ending injury. Sorry Brett. It was a hell of good run. Now go the fuck away.

New coach Mike McCarthy better start stealing pens immediately, because I doubt he'll be here for very long. He is taking over one of the least talented teams in the NFL. There is no doubt: the Packers will suck. But will they suck worse than the Detroit Lions?

Calling all soccer fags...

Run,run...Whoever you may be... There's no-one as fast as our Henry... And you'll be seeing red and nothing of the ball... Cause we are the Fucking Ar-sen-al

Where have all the Premiership previews been? God, even your pussies have pussies.

P.S. Ironically, Badcock is a racist, anti-Semite who deserves to die a lonely man who has never known love.

Commitment to Excellence in Sucking

Let me tell you about the have-nots of the league, the boners, the scrubs, the losers. These teams will be bad: 49ers, Packers, Jets, Lions and the Houston Americans. However, no team is more fun to watch Sucking On It than the Oakland Raiders. Maybe it's because they've taken over for Dallas as the #1 team for fans that don't know anything about football. Maybe it's because they smell bad. Maybe it's because Marcus Allen raped me on national television during an unmentionable Superbowl. But I hate the Raiders and I am overjoyed that they, once again, SUCK.
Settle back dear reader. You either hate the Raiders too (intelligently, poetically, properly), or you are one of those pathetic "fans" who just want to be different ... by dressing up in the most popular merchandise the NFL has to offer. But Badcock, they'll say, isn't the popularity of the Raiders proof of their Excellence? All I can say in response is, you must have voted for Bush. Twice.

So, yes, the Oakland Rectum Raiders. Let's delve into their suckiness. Why will they be so bad this year? As always, a fish rots from its head down. Even when some Raider fan is making the fish his girlfriend.

The old lady in the tracksuit admitted she made a mistake by firing Art Shell (56-41) in 1994. Presumably, the six people who turned down the head coaching job before the Raiders "chose" the long-retired Shell were also mistakes. They're all potential mistakes when it comes to Oakland's ownership.

Art Shell's first act of genius will be turning Aaron "Don't Call Me Kordell" Brooks into a QB. If he can just nudge down those 17 INTs a little bit ... Brooks will still suck. And they have no backup QB whatsoever. Lamont Jordan does not have the endurance to be a workhorse RB. He averaged 54 yards over the last 8 games. The
O-Line is plagued by the four horsemen of injuries, fatness, laziness and suckiness. And pestilence. They gave up 45 sacks last year and have done nothing to improve the unit.

And as for the WR corps ... the long-standing pride and joy of the old lady in the track suit. Remember when he hired that guy with Down Syndrome (they're very strong) to chuck the ball downfield for some Olympic sprinter to drop? Happy days are here again. Shockingly, there's already Moss tumult after the first offensive possession of PRESEASON. Kiss Porter goodbye, leaving you with 37-catch Gabriel as the #2.

The combination of poor blocking, Aaron Brooks and undisciplined WRs should lead to a NFL-leading number of interceptions this season.

That's the offense, the strength of the team. Last year's Raiders D gave up the most points in the AFC. The D-line has no balls. The LBs were so bad last year that the Raiders began running an unpecendented 4-2-5 alignment. They have done absolutely nothing to improve the LB corps. The DBs are inexperienced and they lack playmakers. How many INTs did the Raiders have last year? Five. Ty Law and Deltha O'Neal each had ten last year. As a team, the Raiders produced FIVE. Needless to say, worst in the NFL.

Lastly, will someone just run over that bloated, date-raping fatass Janikowski? He made 20 of 30 FG last year. WORST IN THE NFL. Didn't they give this guy millions of dollars? I guess he spent it all on marzipan and GHB.

Finally, it does seem unfair that a 4-12 team should have to play one of the hardest schedules in the NFL. But to hell with it. I'm going to enjoy every minute. The Raiders suck.

Friday, August 18, 2006

How bad is the NFC North? So bad that ...

the Chicago Bears will be your divisional champion. The good news for the Chicago Bears is that they return all 22 starters from last year. The bad news is that last year's starters were crap. The Bears have the EASIEST schedule in the NFL next year, even though they were the #2 seed (thanks, NFL schedulers and NFC North ownership!) in last year's playoffs. This schedule spices up the meat-grinder loaf of NFC North patsies with San Francisco, the Jets and Buffalo. Brutal.
The defense, of course, is very good. The DL and LB may be hiding some holes in the pass defense -- look for teams to catch them over-pursuing and then hit them with the big, deep raunchy gash. They desperately need a quality place kicker because their offense is going to have trouble scoring against the NBA-style D's of Green Bay, Detroit and Arizona.
That being covered, let me turn my full ire on what makes this team so terrible: they have the WORST OFFENSE in the NFL. Last year they barely scored more than the other worst offenses, none of whom (SF, Det, Hou, NO) had any defense whatsoever to bail them out. Expect more of the same this year.
Rex Grossman, your starting QB, has a mucho caliente 4-3 record ... over the last three years. His personal record is 3 consecutive starts before breaking in half like a piece of dry shit. Rex "the Delicate Labia" Grossman brings all the class and charisma a 7-time starter should, plus all the intangibles, such as knowing the trainers by name.
When he breaks, the Bears will turn to Brian "the Minor Labia" Griese, a QB so weak he couldn't wrestle the starting job from Jay "the Redundant Labia" Fiedler in Miami. Last year his TB season ended because of a knee injury. Who knows what will put him on IR this year? Stay tuned.
The O-line is run-block only, and can't be counted on to get the important yards. I GUARANTEE another season of 2,000 plus yards team rushing, yet single-digit rushing TDs. The big blood-clotted hole to compliment the vacancy at QB is located up inside the WR position. They took not a single one in free agency or the draft. They are confident in the "talent" and it's easy to see why ... Muhsin Muhammed had a blistering (like herpes) performance of 64-750 and 4 TD's (yes, that's right, the "big Red Zone target" accounted for 4 TD's last year (2 were versus Detroit), but then the statistics drop off just a little bit. The next best (yeah, I know) WR is Justin "Why Was I Named After the Kid from Pet Cemetary?" Gage, who chipped in 31-346 and 2 TD's. His TD's were against New Orleans and Minnesota. That's HOT! I only wish I could name the DB's he toasted. I hope he danced like a chicken after both of them. And after Gage? Let's just say there is plenty of room for improvement.
Hey loyal Bears fans, expect a lot of sacks, INTs and boofball passes from your "passing game." JUST TO MAKE IT CLEAR ONCE MORE: 31st in passing last year and ownership brought in Nobody to improve it. Expect that only your defense will keep you from being laughed out of every game. Expect lots of field goal attempts. Expect to lose to every team over .500 that you face. Expect to win your pathetic division again, because of your yellow-diarrhea schedule and admittedly strong D. You can even expect a first-round buy, again. As soon as you have to play against a team in the playoffs, expect to lose.

I Also Dislike Your Favorite Team if ...

they have an inflated sense of their own worth. For example, the Minnesota Vikings. For some reason, perhaps owing to being a proud part of the weakest division in football, there is hope in Vikings camp. Let's examine this mass hysteria. They have the second oldest starting QB in the NFL in Johnson. Backup QB, one might imagine, could prove to be an important position. So the Vikings brought in ... Mike McMahon? I suppose it is impressive that he completed 46% of his passes last year while compiling an enviable 5-8 TD:INT ratio. Running back has been a problem since Robert "Smartest Man in the NFL, still?" Smith retired. So the Vikings bring in ... Chester Taylor? Jamal "2,000 yards and a puff of smoke" Lewis's backup in Baltimore rang up a heady 117 carries for 487 yards and 0 TD's last year. Taylor is the only RB in the NFL to have more than 100 carries and NOT score a TD. That's a real nose for the paydirt, Slapshot. The perpetually underachieving WR core is double-fucked by Koren "I'll just have iced tea, thanks" Robinson and an old immobile QB just asking for the big blitz. Upgrades along the O-line should staunch the bleeding, but don't expect much from the Vikings offense this year. The Vikings defense, the weak link in all recent memory, seems to have pulled the O down to its level, finally. The D line is talented but they have no linebackers to make tackles. Their defensive backfield will be unable to cover any kind of spread offense. Expect big plays to burn their old, over-rated safety. As for special teams, finding someone to kick in the mall-air of the Dome shouldn't be too hard. The worst mistake the Vikings ever made was to move indoors. And they call themselves the Vikings? My prediction: the Vikings will suck, even with an artificially inflated record owing to their division. My proof: Monday, September 11th at 7 pm EST versus the indomitable, rhymedable, que robusto Washington Redskins.

Let's Play Some Fantasy Football

I view this as an awesome opportunity to see how many people are actually reading this site. Scary proposition, I know.

But we have instituted the I Dislike Your Favorite Team Fantasy Football League.

Wanna play? You can!

First thing you do, is

click here

Then you: click the "Sign Up Now" or "Get Another Team" button and follow the links to "Join a Custom League". When prompted, enter the League ID# and password below.

League ID#: 493959
Password: asssweatcircles

Bring it, you computer jockey chumps!

It's an autopick draft, so your work is fairly minimal.

If we somehow fill this league up, we'll start up another. Leave a comment if the league did fill.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Zidane Referenced by The Family Circus?

See, this World Cup did reach even the most addle-brained of Americans, admittedly via one of the lowest forms of creative expression known to humankind--the one-panel funnies page comic (Far Side excepted, of course).

Just think--in some ways, this represents a new joke in Family Circus. Think about that for a second. That's fucking huge, is what that is.

Soccer's power can no longer be denied.

Ooh, and golden boy Billy has needed a good shot to the sternum for awhile now. I hate that kid.

thanks to recent addiction, The Comics Curmudgeon

Dennis Leary and Lenny Clark on live TV = Fun

This is why I check Deadspin at least twice a day. You never know what kind of nugget of sports-related awesomeness they'll have.

Be it the TV reporter covering a masturbating Ohio State fan, or Rick Sutcliffe getting drunk and making a play-by-play guy feel bad about still working in San Diego, there are a lot of things that happen on local network & cable channels that you simply miss out on.

There are two things at work here, that come together wonderfully.

First you have all the local cable affiliates around the country, whose local stations try something that seems incredibly silly and/or stupid to do, like putting Dennis leary on a live mike.

Now, the big National Sports shows aren't going to cover that shit--they're embarrassed by it, it cheapens the games, it demeans guys they hope will be their friends and stop by the studio the next time they are making a sports movie for Disney or for Fox or whatever "vertically integrated" corporation this little shitty local cable affiliate is franchised to.

So some guy catches a Boston Red Sox game where Dennis Leary starts priase of the Jewish first basemen, and in the course of a half-inning has become a full on verbal assault of Mel Gibson. Viewer decides, rightfully, that it is awesome, and he's going to blog about it. But one person can not read every sportsblog out there. We need a highlight show, of sorts, to tell us what's good.

But unlike say SportsCenter, or whatever Fox's bullshit highlight show is, Deadspin, the kind of collector of all this oddness, Loves the oddness. Fans the flames of oddness. Gets t-shirts made with Chris Berman's pick-up line of choice. Try doing that at ESPN--you'll end up in the basement with the fuckin' rancor.

So, instead of hearing vaguely from your drunken friend in Boston about how awesome Dennis Leary was during the game, we can show it to you. Technology is fuckin' cool, and Dennis Leary rippin' on Mel Gibson is quite delicious. We're done talking now. Visit Deadspin if you haven't yet today, but first, enjoy this:

Update: NESN are killjoy douchebags. "This video has been removed at the request of copyright owner New England Sports Network because its content was used without permission."

Update 2: Apparently Google got permission, or has rights, or something, but we have a new version of the exact same event, which in any regard, would have generated a lot of free eyeballs and good PR for NESN had they not been such douchebag killjoys. Why is the new marketing paradigm so hard to grapple with? I never get to watch NESN, but now I know their name. I know they do fun things like put Dennis Leary & Lenny Clarke in front of a live mike. Would have I known that if not for the Deadspin post and YouTube video? Nope! Hey, stupid corporate douchebags. Eyeballs are fucking eyeballs, you ignorant nutlickers!

Sorry, got sidetracked there. We have a google video version, thanks to the persistance of folks, and the help, once again, of Deadspin. (for the record, we like to think we could do a bang-up job of a national sportsblog, just as good as deadspin, if only if it were our job. That's what we like to think. Don't tell us different. We enjoy our flights of fancy.)

Update 3: Apparently the Google video is no more, but the video has found a home on YouTube again, and it appears it is permanent, so hopefully we're done updating this post.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Damn You, Doctor Nefarious Codpiece! Damn You to Hell!

Packers safety prospect and least sneaky alter-ego of a superhero ever, Marviel Underwood, blew out his knee against the Chargers. At least that's the official line, though I for one am quite sure Marviel Underwood's most vile nemesis, Doctor Nefarious Codpiece (first appearance, Fantastic Tales of Marvielous Wood #4) was seen cackling under the stadium shortly before the "accident."

Nick Hardwick just an innocent bystander? With a name like that? Nefarious things are afoot,
true believin', gas huffin' Packers fans.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Redskins Cheerleaders Love Movies

For regular readers of this blog, there has been a very simple paradigm to follow--be it books, or sayings, Washington Redskin Cheerleaders are pretty much one shot, one kill. They don't talk about multiple favorites. The ones that do are a rarity.

They flip the script, ya'll, when it comes to movies (and also TV shows, but I have yet to put in the research there). But almost every Redskin Cheerleader has multiple favorite movies, which changes how we discuss them.

Here's our plan of action. We'll first highlight the top three vote getters of Best Movie Ever, and the best movie that is similar to that movie that didn't get any votes at all. Be prepared, film buffs, Washington Cheerleaders don't seem to think much of "The Third Man", or "Rashoman" or "Rudy" or even "North Dallas 40"

Again, the method is still basically the same--every "favorite movie" got a vote, and I've tracked them all. Since almost every cheerleader picked at least 3 movies, our favorite cheerleader will be picked on the strength of her entire pick-set, not any one movie.

But first, the top vote getters, my take, and movies that fit the bill that are better:

The Wedding Crashers--8 votes. that's 20% of all Washington Cheerleaders.
That's a lot of votes for a movie that stops being funny after the first 45 minutes.
No votes for: The 40 Year Old Virgin, The Legend of Ron Burgandy
2 votes for Old School

What this says: Women--well, dumb women--think this movie a great comedy and a redemptive story about men who realize, eventually, there is more to fucking cold-crazy nymphos at weddings--there is also the marrying of them. Cheerleaders, dear Cheerleaders, this isn't a documentary. It's a pretty stupid comedy, with a bullshit romantic comedy tacked on at the end, to appeal to guess who? YOU!

Why I dislike the movie: Any movie that suggests we'll see Jane Seymour's taps and then doesn't deliver is on the side of the terrorists. Also, I believe Isla Fisher should be doing hardcore porn. At my house.

Why No 40 Year Old Virgin? The cheerleaders are saying, loud and clear: let smart, sassy, skinny bitches like Catherine Keener deal with the nice guys. We will take our fake boobs and seduce complete assholes, who will magically turn nice, if we turn out to be freaky enough in the sack.

The Notebook--7 votes--that's 17.8% of all Washington Cheerleaders

What this says: I'm uncertain. I didn't know there was a demographic that you could pull that would say 17.8% saw this movie, much less labeled it as a favorite. I'm confused. How could this possibly be the 2nd most beloved movie in Washington Cheerleader thought?

Why I dislike this movie: The same reason I dislike the Troy Aikman. It is out there, and people seem to like it. It doesn't matter whether they are talking about a movie, or a Gay Robot. I dislike it because it's crap, and because certain demographics (chicks, Dallas fans) keep talking about how great it is. Just because you like it doesn't make it great. See Fourth Place Finisher, "Dirty Dancing"

Why No Casablanca?: Apparently, the timeless, and somewhat unbelievable story featuring timeless performances from Screen Legends Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Bogart pale in comparison to the work of that chick from Wedding Crashers and that dude from that other thing.

Crash--No really, Crash--5 votes!

What this says: 5 cheerleaders watched the Academy Awards and rented the Best Picture Winner. I love seeing Ryan Phillipe getting dicked around, and Matt Dillon feeling up Thandie Newton (hot damn, ya'll) or even seeing Tony Danza play a prick, but really--favorite movie of all time? I can think of a few Disney movies that had more things to say.

Why I Dislike This Movie: I don't dislike this move. Should it be anyone's favorite movie of all time? I don't think so. There isn't an actor in it who hasn't done something cooler, aside from maybe Ryan Phillipe. I mean, really, do you sit around, and talk about how fucking cool Don Cheadle was in this movie? Or do you talk about Traffic, Ocean's 11, and Out of Sight?

Why no LA Confidential?: Because it doesn't have a happy ending, where racist cops are redeemed--also it has Kim Basinger to remind cheerleaders that even though they are 23 and busty, they don't hold a candle to 40 year old Kim Basinger.

Coolest Movie Selection:
We have to give to it Rebecca, who picked out a combination of low-brow comedy, interesting foreign film, and really smart movies, and that's what we dig, too. She picked two musicals too many (two) but aside from that, it's really a damn good list of flicks. (Well, we could live without "It's a Wonderful Life" but we understand that when we say things like that, people think that we don't have souls.)

As we did with the most popular flicks, we'll link each movie to an Ebert review, as tribute to the ailing critic and screenplay writer of "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls" (which even by Russ Meyer standards, is one boob-filled, strange flick). You are in our thoughts, Roger Ebert! We love boobs as much as you do!

Rebecca's movies: American Beauty, Amores Perros, City of God, Chicago (Boo!), Crash, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, It's a Wonderful Life, Rent (Boo! Boo! Boo!), The Shawshank Redemption, Traffic, Wedding Crashers

Previous Redskin Cheerleaders who won praise on this blog, and their favorite movies.

Anabel (Best Book): "Coming to America" (Ebert's review not online. Ouch)
Shaina (Best Quote): "Almost Famous", "Wedding Crashers"

Quick note: Ebert's review of "wonderful life" mentions in passing "The Third Man" as being a classic that gets better with age. I wholly agree, it is in my top 3 movies of all time, and often occupies the top spot. If you haven't seen it, you are hereby directed to read Ebert's review, and then go rent it. It is a brilliant tale of post-war amorality, and American naivete, and may contain Orson Welles' finest performance. Directed by English genius Carol Reed, and written by American genuis, Graham Greene, it may also contain the finest performace by American actor Joseph Cotten, who is quietly in dozens of great movies. His western writer, Holly Martins, is a wonderfully realized character--naive to the point of dumb, yet capable of deep cynicism and even insight.
It also made a bold choice in soundtrack--almost all (completely all?) zither music, it punctuates the bombed out city of Vienna perfectly.

Friday, August 11, 2006

What did Ruud do?

Someone help me out here, I was very surprized when Ruud was left out of the Dutch final match of the World Cup, but now he's been booted off the team. Anyone got the skinny on what Ruud duud?

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Dick and Bert do, in fact, rock...

Our dear friend, Big Blue, makes an admirable point in labeling the Sox announcers as disgusting human beings who deserve to be murdered in their sleep while their loved ones are forced to watch after being violated with Terry Ryan's broom handle. While I'm not sure I'd go that far personally (Big Blue, you are one sick puppy!), there is something to gleaned from Big Blue's lunatic rantings...

More to the point, 'Hawk' Harrelson and Darrin Jackson are merely unlistenable. They're fucking terrible, and they make the game almost unwatchable... (which leads naturally into the fact that radio and TV feeds are not in sync so you don't even have the option of turning the sound down)... These deuchbags are so godawful that they make the droll, corporate lapdog musings of the Cub play by play guy, Len Casper, sound somewhat tolerable in comparison. As ususual, our resident corporate sellout, Big Blue, misses the point. Its not that the Sox announcers are shameless homers that makes them unappealing (at least watching a half in the bag Harry Carey attempt to say Grudzielanek backwards was highly entertaining), rather its the fact that they are trite idiots, with no discernible panache or talent, who cover up this obvious paucity of acumen with nauseating cocktail of homerism and jaw-droppingly stupid catch phrases.

To sum up, the Twins announcers are excellent by pretty much any standard, while the entire group in Chicago (save Bob Brenly and Pat Hughes (on the Cubbies' radio side) are unintelligible nitwits.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Can We Interest You In A T-Shirt?

details forthcoming

Kevin Harlan's Best Timberwolves Lines

Obviously, this is somewhat hearsay, but here's what I remember hearing (fellow bloggers, weigh in, please)

(In almost every game in which a player slid into courtside seats)
"And Terrell Brandon has slid into the first row of seats! And he's spilled the beer of a big fat guy! The big fat guy has beer all over him! He's incensed! He's lost his entire beer! He can't believe it! Oh, it's actually a big fat lady!"

(During Losing Seasons in which Doug West was the star player, a game in which West was guarding a dude who had the last name of Wood)
"And Doug West has got Wood! He's got Wood so bad he can barely move!"

(During a Half-time shooting contest, after it was revealed the contestant lived in a trailer park):
"He lives in a trailer park, so you know he needs the money!"

(In an infamous game, after Manute Bol hit 3 3-pointers in a row, burying the rather lousy Timberwolf Squad at the time)
"And Manute Bol is running down the court, praying to whatever God he prays to, screaming, 'please let me hit another 3!'"

Dick and Bert rock, DJ & Hawk SUCK

I don't often watch baseball on WGN. I'm busy watching the Twins on Fox Sports North, which features Dick Bremer and Bert Blyleven (who of course should be the Mother Fucking Hall of Fame already).

And you know, Fox Sports North is more area specific than it sounds. I don't get Brewers game on my version of it. I get only Twins game. Dick & Bert (who after years of working together have found a pretty perfect interplay, that makes me laugh almost against my will) work essentially one market, Minnesota and locales westward. I'm guessing Dick and Bert reach into Twins enclaves in the beautiful but rightfully underpopulated Dakotas.

WGN reaches the entire nation. For most cable subscribers, of course, WGN reaches them against their will, but still, it reaches them.

Minnesota is a smaller market, more provincial, and there are maybe a handful of great players that people outside of Minnesota would consider Twins. Blyleven is probably one of them, along with fellow Twins pitchers of legend or love, like Radke, Viola, and Jack Morris. When he's having friendly conversations in the booth, Bert will refer to his ring, especially when dissing the 87 Cardinals, like he did recently when Ozzie Smith paid a visit to the booth, but he does not refer to the current crop of Twins as "We".

The WGN guys do this constantly. They do it on their broadcast. Hell, they do it on their blog. Here' s quote from Darrin Jackson:

As we look at things right now, I don't think we should worry about the Tigers any more given the major deficit we face. The Sox just have not played anywhere close to the level of baseball they have consistently through this year.

Hey, Darrin, you aren't on the team!

Go ahead, and listen to a WGN White Sox broadcast. It reminds me, in terms of homer-ism, in sound quality, in lack of professionalism, to be equivalent to a basic cable channel in the deep south following a favorite son through a Pro-Am Bass Fishing Tournament. Hey, dumbasses, you are a National Broadcast!

It makes the TBS/Braves conglomerate announcing team sound like Einstein and Madame Curie, if they had dedicated their brain power to calling The Braves.

That said, the Twins Broadcasting team has managed a level of fan friendly commentary, small market fun, and still manage to be professional.

While Bert may take pains to circle fans in the stadium who are holding up "Circle Me, Bert" signs, he'll very, very rarely refer to the Twins as "We". He'll say "The Twins". As a broadcaster fucking should.

And sure, Bert is known for somewhat questionable remarks. But that's part of the fun, like tonight, when sideline Ron Coomer referred to Justin Tyner's weak but well positioned base hits as Duck Farts, quoting Bert, according to Coomer. (Bert told him, "Hey, you can't say that on TV!")

(The fact that wikipedia has a whole article on questionable remarks by Bert but not a single entry on Kevin Harlan's questionable remarks when he was the play by play guy for the Timberwolves highlights the problems with Wikipedia).

But my central point is this--Dick Bremer and Bert Blyleven, though it took awhile, have got a great, funny rapport, and you'll know they are covering the Twins, and not whoever the Twins are playing, but you'd never think they were fans of, or getting paid by, the Twins. It is flat-out impossible to think anything but the opposite whilst listening to the amateur show that WGN puts on during White Sox games.

The White Sox should be embarrassed. Fucking World Champs, getting covered by two guys who won a contest. That's what it sounds like, every time they are on TV.

Exeunt Liriano, Enter Garza

In the early days of this blog (relatively speaking, we've been in existence less than 6 months--when I die 280 years from now, the first 20 years will be considered the early years. The life-giving stem cell harvesting the Democrats institute change life-expectancy for everyone alive, at the cost of babies. Or so I imagine. Take that, stupid babies.).

In any case, we sung the praises of a fairly unknown reliever named Francisco Liriano. We said he was a new Johann Santana, and back in May we suggested anyone who wanted a reliever/possible starter who would help them in their Fantasy Baseball team should snag Liriano.

Not to toot our own horn (we can't. we've tried. Believe us, we've tried) but we were dead fucking right, and we were a good deal ahead of the curve on Liriano. We as Twins fans know that the Twins, if they can, sit on great pitchers. We who loved Santana a few years ago, were convinced he was one of the best lefties in the game, tore our hair in frustration as he was relegated to the bullpen.

But now, I suppose, we see an example why. Liriano has been maybe overpitched. He's going on the DL. We can only hope it is 15 days, but no one is saying for sure.

But now that ESPN has learned that the Twins have a great eye for pitching prospects (it only took them about 5 years), there is no way to break the news that Matt Garza is going to be the next exciting Twins pitching prospect.

The link above and the photo to the right come courtesy of, and here's a quick summary of Garza's stuff, that is paraphrased from that site.

Fastball: a low to mid 90's fastball, well placed. Garza's arm doesn't get tired of throwing it. One of the best fastballs in the Twins organizations, and that's saying something, ya'll.

His other pitches lack some of the skill of his fastball, but include a mid 80's slider, a high 70's curveball, and a serviceble change.

He has a reputation as being a tireless worker, and a quick study. Don't be surprised if Garza, given the defense he'll have behind him, and some of the hitters he has on his squad, doesn't get a quality start and a win in his first Major League outing.

Yo Big Blue, you disgust me...

Why are you allowing those charlatans at the Bush/Clinton Katrina Fund to sully this site with their shameless solicitations? This site once had journalistic pretensions, and I'm sorry to see these sometime standards silently go by the wayside in the name of such crass skullduggery.

Friday, August 04, 2006

I Really Do Dislike Your Favorite Team If...

It’s been far too long that the name of this site has been ignored and that the content of this site has stayed away from naming the teams we dislike. With the NFL pre-season starting this weekend I thought it might be time to let the readers know just whose favorite team I dislike.

If you live somewhere east of the Mississippi, west of Lake Michigan and North of Illinois, then I dislike your favorite team. If you never had a favorite team, then all of a sudden in the mid-90’s, while you were living in Minnesota or Iowa, and voila you had a favorite championship team, then I dislike your favorite team. If you consume more cheese annually then you do vegetables, or if you live in the most obese county in America, or if your idea of a sophisticated night out is a round of put-put at Jellystone , a brat and 17 beers, then I dislike your favorite team. Let me see if I can put this more succinctly…If you are a cheesehead, a blaze-orange camouflage-wearin’ numbnuts...literally(Put your clothes back on its 10 Below!), a Packer Fan, then I dislike your favorite team.

Now, there is very little personal about this dislike (I guess hate better describes it), it is more the product of the locale of my origin and a lifelong love of the Vikings. However, the bandwagon that was created in the mid to late 90’s drove that inherited dislike to an all new level of out-and-out hatred. I have little patience for people who call themselves “Big Fans” but have little to no understanding of the game and wouldn’t have known Brett Favre from Walt Whitman until the Packers won the Super Bowl. Like a once in a century cicada infestation, the fair weather fans came out of nowhere flying Packer flags on their cars and wearing those god awful leather letterman-type Packer jackets. Their ignorance was generally on display with their mullets and mustaches. I am just starting to recover from that era of Packer fandom. Now that they have returned to sucking, my hatred has dwindled somewhat.

Feeding my immense dislike/hatred of the Green Bay Packers is the unnatural man-love for Brett Favre that John Madden displays every time he calls a Packer game. Madden’s man crush on Favre makes me feel both angry and awkward. It has been a bit more palatable in recent years since Madden’s praise/infatuation of Favre seems off target now that he is on the short road to being washed up. Like Derek Jeter, Brett Favre is one of those players I have always respected because of the way he plays the game, but I never find it hard to root against him. In fact, there is little I enjoy more than watching Brett Favre getting walloped by a Viking and throwing up a prayer that gets picked off. If patterns are to be maintained, then I should see plenty of that this year, even though he thinks he is surrounded by the "most talented team that I've been a part of as a whole."

There are other teams that I dislike, but that is for another time. I felt compelled to begin where it all started. Packer fans I dislike your favorite team.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Spot The Woman Not Arrested For Prostitution

So, please, take a look at these 5 ladies. Guess which one wasn't arrested for prostitution in the City of St. Paul?

OOOh, extra special wrinkle:

5 out of 5 have been arrested
maybe 4 out of 5 are women.
at least 4 out of 5 have been arrested for prostitution.

Give up?

Chris Henry is a receiver for the Bengals! and He's prettier than the whores wandering my city!

special thanks to the dirty whores of St. Paul, whose economic conditions, and Puritan Government forced them into illegally selling their bodies.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

I Never Get Tired of Jim Rome Falling Down

For our buddy and co-blogger chato, who somehow missed one of the finest athlete attack videos of all time. Jim Everett letting a young and precociously dickfaced Jim Rome that he does not like to be called Chris.

I will never, ever get tired of this. It's up there with Dave Brown juking and running through the tackle of Deion Sanders. I can't find that on YouTube, though.

Neophytes, enjoy. Old timers, sit back, and remember when. I guess this is why Jim does all his interviews via satellite now.

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