Sunday, August 27, 2006

My Old Lady's NFL Picks, Part I

It is high time that my Old Lady gets to offer her own brand of prognostication to this blog, or so she tells me. She says, “You and your boyfriends don’t know shit from Shinola…” and that she can, “…pick the NFL division by division better than anyone else.” I told her that she could go ahead and do so, if she would just put down the butcher knife and skillet before she hurts someone. So, being the loving, obedient pooch that I am, here are my Old Lady’s NFL picks division by division, starting with the AFC, with her rationale for each:


Two words: Tom Brady. Two more words: luxury timepieces

Yes, I know it’s lame to pick a team based heavily on the attractiveness of the team’s players, but in my defense, 1.) The Patriots have the best overall team, so the point is moot, and 2.) If there were Major League Softball, don’t you tell me you hetero boys wouldn’t be picking whatever team Jennie Finch was on:

Patriots win the division (11-5). The rest of the division is a jumbled mess of mediocrity and although both Losman and Pennington are slightly cute, they are not Brady material. D-Pepp made my man angry with his animosity and eventual departure from the Vikings, so screw him and the Fish. I guess I’ll have to pick the rest of the division based on uniforms, because there is little else to go on. Jets have classic design appeal going for them, so Gang Green, even though they’ll have no running game, is my pick for 2nd (9-7). The Bills’ uniforms are a little overwhelming with that All-American theme (7-9), but it’s way better than sea blue/green and coral. Shit, the Dolphins have the worst color scheme on the planet. If I had my way, and I usually do, they wouldn’t win another game until they changed their uniforms to something a little more masculine and a lot less South Beach (0-16)…well, ok, they actually might finish second in the division (9-7).


For me, picking the Broncos to finish 11-5 is one of the easier picks to make. After all, I loved My Little Pony when I was a girl and that Jake Plummer is the spitting image of one of those horsy dolls.

I just want to comb his hair. Plus, their run game makes it hard on the rest of the division’s sub-par defense. I go with the Chargers to finish 2nd. I love the Bolts and I can’t help but think of super-hunk Nick Rivers of Top Secret fame when I see Phillip Rivers commanding that offense (10-6). The Chiefs will finish third. Lots of offense (including the name) + no defense + Herm Edwards = 3rd Place in the division (9-7). The Raiders will come in last. Those sweet uniforms at least make the team look tough as hell, but we all know the truth: Art Shell is just a big, cuddly, hall-of-famer who I feel sorry for. He has to work under that crazy old bitch who owns the team and he inherits a program that just hasn’t played football as the rest of the league knows it since they made it to the Superbowl (5-11).


The Steelers own this division thanks to the best uniforms in the league. I think they even have a chick playing in the defensive backfield for them

which is totally cool and explains why they won it all last year. Steel Curtain 2006 will end the season 12 – 4 and take a shot at defending their title. The Pretty Kitties (Bengals) will have another good season if and only if that receiver of theirs -- Jaws from James Bond --stops wearing those horrendous gold teeth. And what’s with their upper crust, prep school QB: ”Hi lovey, its me, Carson Palmer” (11-5). Ravens…I love Edgar Allen Poe and my brother lives in Baltimore, but I think their uniforms could be so much cooler. Steve McNair is great, or was, but we’ll see how he pans out at NFL QB Purgatory (9-7). Browns, Browns, Browns (7-9).


The Colt’s classic uni’s have an understated refinement that harkens back to bygone eras. That blue is a little femmy, but it is way cooler than Oiler/Titan Blue (powder pastel puke), Jacksonville Teal (or whatever you call that monstrosity of a color), and the classic All-American Blue of the Texans (patriotic crap if you ask me). That said, I am actually picking this division based on QB’s. Peyton Manning’s anal antics make him great fun to watch (11-5). Byron Leftwich is adorable and I like his smile (Jaguars 10-6). I don’t know anything about Billy Volek, but I do know he is on a much better team than the Texans (Titans 8-8). Ah, David Carr with your pretty face and your gunslinger attitude, when are you going to decide to be a football player? (Texans 6-10).

Tune in next time for my NFC picks. Later, bitches.


Badcock said...

Gender bending! Except for "Peyton Manning's anal antics" which is pure son of Carl.

Muumuuman said...

So, in NFC,AFC games the AFC wins some 49-15? Last year they only managed 34-30 and everyone talked about the AFC dominance blah blah blah. I don't think the AFC is that dominant.

Badcock said...

The dominance of the AFC is likely coming to a close. The Pats and Steelers are the best in the AFC and are beatable by the best in the NFC. However, the worst in the NFC North is worse than the worst anywhere else.