Friday, August 18, 2006

How bad is the NFC North? So bad that ...

the Chicago Bears will be your divisional champion. The good news for the Chicago Bears is that they return all 22 starters from last year. The bad news is that last year's starters were crap. The Bears have the EASIEST schedule in the NFL next year, even though they were the #2 seed (thanks, NFL schedulers and NFC North ownership!) in last year's playoffs. This schedule spices up the meat-grinder loaf of NFC North patsies with San Francisco, the Jets and Buffalo. Brutal.
The defense, of course, is very good. The DL and LB may be hiding some holes in the pass defense -- look for teams to catch them over-pursuing and then hit them with the big, deep raunchy gash. They desperately need a quality place kicker because their offense is going to have trouble scoring against the NBA-style D's of Green Bay, Detroit and Arizona.
That being covered, let me turn my full ire on what makes this team so terrible: they have the WORST OFFENSE in the NFL. Last year they barely scored more than the other worst offenses, none of whom (SF, Det, Hou, NO) had any defense whatsoever to bail them out. Expect more of the same this year.
Rex Grossman, your starting QB, has a mucho caliente 4-3 record ... over the last three years. His personal record is 3 consecutive starts before breaking in half like a piece of dry shit. Rex "the Delicate Labia" Grossman brings all the class and charisma a 7-time starter should, plus all the intangibles, such as knowing the trainers by name.
When he breaks, the Bears will turn to Brian "the Minor Labia" Griese, a QB so weak he couldn't wrestle the starting job from Jay "the Redundant Labia" Fiedler in Miami. Last year his TB season ended because of a knee injury. Who knows what will put him on IR this year? Stay tuned.
The O-line is run-block only, and can't be counted on to get the important yards. I GUARANTEE another season of 2,000 plus yards team rushing, yet single-digit rushing TDs. The big blood-clotted hole to compliment the vacancy at QB is located up inside the WR position. They took not a single one in free agency or the draft. They are confident in the "talent" and it's easy to see why ... Muhsin Muhammed had a blistering (like herpes) performance of 64-750 and 4 TD's (yes, that's right, the "big Red Zone target" accounted for 4 TD's last year (2 were versus Detroit), but then the statistics drop off just a little bit. The next best (yeah, I know) WR is Justin "Why Was I Named After the Kid from Pet Cemetary?" Gage, who chipped in 31-346 and 2 TD's. His TD's were against New Orleans and Minnesota. That's HOT! I only wish I could name the DB's he toasted. I hope he danced like a chicken after both of them. And after Gage? Let's just say there is plenty of room for improvement.
Hey loyal Bears fans, expect a lot of sacks, INTs and boofball passes from your "passing game." JUST TO MAKE IT CLEAR ONCE MORE: 31st in passing last year and ownership brought in Nobody to improve it. Expect that only your defense will keep you from being laughed out of every game. Expect lots of field goal attempts. Expect to lose to every team over .500 that you face. Expect to win your pathetic division again, because of your yellow-diarrhea schedule and admittedly strong D. You can even expect a first-round buy, again. As soon as you have to play against a team in the playoffs, expect to lose.


Big Blue Monkey said...

big deep raunchy gash?


The Fan's Attic said...

yes...let the hate flow through you.

Anonymous said...

It would take a whole post to argue every point, luckily the two weeks played in the NFL have proven you, in the main, wrong.