Thursday, March 31, 2011

Old School Thursday: D-Nice

Friday, March 25, 2011

Join fantasy MLS!

NFL season in jeopardy? Do what Ochocinco is doing (always great advise) and join the MLS! Go to and join our fantasy league. League name: IDYFT, Password: idyftbbm. New teams, new players, and the patriarchs of world soccer. Draft will be on Thursday. The winner will receive a major prize * or a RedRider BB gun.

Go to and click fantasy.
Search for the league named IDYFT.
Enter the password: idyftbbm
Set you draft positions, and in the words of Antonio "Let's play!"


I dare say, the facebook linked mls fantasy thing is hard to navigate. I've checked the league settings, and everything appears as I have it above. There are two choices for your league, either "Salary Cap" or "Fantasy Challenge". The league I created is a "Fantasy Challange" league.

So, more details.
Go to
Click the fantasy link.
Click create team
Log on using Facebook
On the "Dashboard" menu, click search for league
League is named "IDYFT"
Click join
The password is idyftbbm
That should get you in, I hope. Sorry for the confusion.

No one joined. Poor MLS, can't even gain interest without the NFL around. How about winner gets a date with either David Beckham or Heather Mitts. Or perhaps Posh Spice or what! A.J. Feeley! DAMN YOU NFL!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

SNL's Bobby Moynihan Finest Role Yet?

I don't know how Bobby Moynihan is doing both SNL and coaching the Arizona Wildcats, but it is some impressive moonlighting.

Old School Thursday: Kurtis Blow


Think you can figure out NCAA with only 16 teams left?

I bet you can't, but you can try. What do I bet? Wouldn't you like to know. Oh you would like to know, cause we're betting. Great!

To accept the invitation, just follow this link. For reference, here's the group information.

Group ID#: 13279
Password: bbm

Hugs and Kisses!

The following would make me very uneasy on the pitch....

For the 2022 World Cup - a man made hovering cloud.

Great idea, now the soccer pitch looks like some sort of death trap.
Didn't I see Wile E. Coyote purchase this device from Acme years back? Come on Road Runner, just stand in the shade.....

2022 World Cup: High-Tech Way To Beat The Heat In Qatar

Sunday, March 20, 2011

NCAA Delight

I greatly enjoyed being distracted all weekend from the fact that our country is starting up yet another war in the Middle East. College basketball is an orgy of overlapping excitements. Although my Sixteen is shattered, my Final Four is intact. What damn suckers picked Pittsburgh? They couldn't even win the Big East Tourney, fools!

Double-overtime games (SDSU), shock-foul conclusions (Butler), ecstatic upsets (VCU), gingerball heroes (WI) and badass finishes (AZ).

They'll call it the "Elite Eight." This is idiotic. The phrase contains neither alliteration nor does it rhyme. It is meaningless and pisses me off. How about substituting "Great Eight" or "Late Eight" or even "Inchoate Eight." Anything is better than something which is alliterative in print only.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Old School Thursday: Warren G. featuring Nate Dogg

Given the news, how could I not?

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Redskins Redskins Redskins Redskins Redskins

Continuing a PR strategy borrowed from North Korea, Washington football team owner Dan Snyder has ordered the Washington Post to stop using the term "Redskins."

The reason? The name may be offensive to the most brutalized minority in American history.

No, just kidding. He just doesn't want them to use the name for their "Redskins Insider" blog. The blog itself, while often critical of Snyder's actions (because many times they were fucking stupid), has probably offered the most balanced coverage of the team during his tenure. It seems likely that the Post's coverage of his absurd defamation lawsuit versus the Washington City Paper stuck in his craw.

Around here, we've been actively searching for a term to replace "Redskins." I used DC Skins most of last year, but am always looking for something better. Now that Snyder is going scorched-earth on any media outlet which he doesn't own (and he owns plenty), perhaps we should change the name to the Washington Thinskins.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Play Our Brackets, Win a Basketball Jesus

First prize:  Basketball Jesus
Second prize:  a shirt
Third prize?  Third prize is you're fired.

PS.  Jay Bilas is PISSED.

Instructions here:

To accept the invitation, just follow this link. For reference, here's the group information.
Group ID#: 80707
Password: vitalepitstains

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Let's Sum Up Owners vs. Players in the NFL

If a cop pulls you over for speeding, and he asks you if you are willing to open up your trunk, you have a few options.  You can do it, because you know you have nothing in there, and you don't feel like dealing with bullshit.  You can refuse, because you are principled, and you know your rights, and you are going to make that cop think long and hard before you give up those rights.  Or you can refuse because you've got a pile of dead hobos covered in your ejaculate and feces in that trunk, and you don't want the cop to see that shit. 

When the NFLPA asked the owners to open up their books, and they refused?  The NFLPA smelled dead hobo and old man jizz. 

Friday, March 11, 2011

Thanks For Being So Clear, Roger Goodell

As you no doubt know by now, the NFLPA has decertified their Union, which paves the way for individual players (like Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, and Drew Brees, if reports are to be believed) to sue the league on anti-trust regulations.  Which will be very interesting.  But we will get to that later.  For now, I'd just like to discuss the very important email that I got from NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.  You can read that letter here.

It is Goodell's public announcement following the NFLPA's move, and if I trusted the Official Mouthpiece of Whiny Billionaires, it would be a comprehensive and impressive indictment.  Here's the money paragraph:

"The proposal we made included an offer to narrow the player compensation gap that existed in the negotiations by splitting the difference; guarantee a reallocation of savings from first-round rookies to veterans and retirees without negatively affecting compensation for rounds 2-7; no compensation reduction for veterans; implement new year-round health and safety rules; retain the current 16-4 season format for at least two years with any subsequent changes subject to the approval of the league and union; and establish a new legacy fund for retired players ($82 million contributed by the owners over the next two years)."

Let's start at the beginning of that, and just dwell on how unhelpful that first phrase is.  They offered to split the difference on the player compensation gap.  No one is entirely sure which gap Goodell means, of course.  They went into mediation with a billion dollar gap; the mediator managed to get it down to $800 million.  But keep in mind, all of that money was player salary.  So, agreeing to "split the difference" still means an extra $400 - $500 million per year lining ownership pockets.  But I'm guessing, as Goodell, freed for the mediation table rules--his opposite number no longer exists, after all--doesn't get into specifics.

Goodell's letter presumably went out to anyone who signed up to get messages from the ownership (I have a hard time calling it the league in the midst of a financial civil war--"the league" has to include players, doesn't it?).  I know I'm a pretty smart guy, and I first mentioned the possibility of a lockout in 2009*.  This here blog has been pretty clear since that moment -- we have taken the bold, obvious stand that the owners are the bad actors in this drama.  Barnyard* and I even went on Internet Radio back in 2009 to warn you all!

Keep that in mind when I say that I have had to read this phrase a half-dozen times to get what Goodell is saying:  "guarantee a reallocation of savings from first-round rookies to veterans and retirees without negatively affecting compensation for rounds 2-7."   Is that supposed to be a clear statement of principle, there?  Let's be clear, because it is pretty easy to do so--"Since salaries for rookies completely crater towards the end of Round 1, we can impose a new rookie salary cap that impacts the Top 10 Rookies the most, and we will pass that money to veterans and retirees."  Simple.

You'd be hard pressed to negatively affect compensation for Rounds 3-7, and I'm pretty sure Goodell knows that.  They get small signing bonuses, if any.  And they certainly don't get guaranteed deals that last half a decade, like the First 10 picks do.  It seems like an odd construction, but it has been part of the modus operandi of Goodell and his cohorts to make the Draft seem like one big problem, instead of a 10 player problem. It doesn't bear up under scrutiny, though.

And can I just say that a fund that owners contribute $82 million dollars towards to help pay for retiree health care sounds impressive, until you remember that there are 32 owners, and each and everyone them owns a NFL franchise that is worth, at minimum, $800 million dollars, and they have a personal wealth that at least equals that, and that part of that compromise meant the players giving up at least $400 million of their own wealth--suddenly the idea of each owner paying under $3 million a year for two years doesn't sound all that impressive.  I mean, they all make that much on beer licenses in their stadiums.

These all seem like honest compromises from the NFL Owners.  But ask yourself what the players asked themselves when this series of compromises hit the mediator's table--"Why should we give up one dollar of salary when the owners seem terrified to open up their books?"

*kudos to my occasional collaborator barnyard, who way back in 2009 wrote, "NFL Owners will likely benefit by shortening the existing agreement and taking negotiations to the edge of a work stoppage. NFL Players will likely be demonized as the greedy actors who would destroy a commonly loved product for personal gain."  That's some nice predicting, toy.  I mean boy.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Old School Thursday: Beastie Boys

Louisville Trounces Marquette, and I Can't Keep Silent Any Longer

I don't know about you, but I find Louisville to be an intriguing team--no true "stars", but well rounded, deep, with a number of good shooters and an aggressive, Pitino-y defense.  Against Marquette tonight, Mike Marra stepped up to bury a number of shots and...uh..single-handedly really put the nail in the coffin...and um..hold on a second...Mike, what the fuck is that on your arm?

Mike Marra, is that a clown tattoo?

That's a clown tattoo in a straight-jacket? With star pants, and fireworks?  What is that shit?  I demand an explanation.  Is an homage to ICP or to Spawn?  At what age did Mike Marra think this was cool?  Did he draw this age 13, and look at it a few years later and say, "Fuck, this awesome clown sketch I made when I was bored in Mrs. Stevenson's Civics Class would be a fucking BOSS tattoo!"  Does he regret it yet?  Should we put an over/under at what age he will regret it?

I'm going to put the over/under at 25 1/2 years old.  Place your bets, "ladies" and "gentlemen".

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Do You Know What Your Bracket Plan Is?

Last year, I thrilled to the news that the NCAA had stepped away from expanding the tournament to 96 teams, and had instead settled for 68.  In my innocence, I proclaimed, "Details have yet to be announced, but I imagine it will be something like the bottom eight teams playing each other for the right to be the 4 #16 seeds."  And then I promptly forgot all about it.  But what was there to worry about?  How could they fuck this up, right?  There's plenty of shit teams in the Dance--let them play each other, and we'll move on, just like we always do.   I should have known better.

I, like a few other hundred thousand people in the United States, run a workplace pool for the NCAA's.  And I wonder how many of those few hundred thousand people know just how much the NCAA has pooped on their Sunday Breakfast.  The expansion is not just at the bottom, but at the middle bottom.  For reasons surpassing reason and logic, this Sunday's announcements will feature six #16 seeds, and six #12 seeds (or six #11's--I'm still not clear on that, and that's a bit bothersome, to say the least).

It is bothersome first of all, just from a point of logic.  You don't have six-way ties for 12th.  Or 11th, really.  Logic dictates that you when you have a field of 68, either the top four teams get a bye, or the bottom eight teams play each other (and the other sixty teams get byes).  You don't stagger the play-in, which is exactly what the NCAA has done.  It is incredibly stupid, and horribly wrong.  It is purposeless confusion.

Secondly, it seems unfair.  In the old (pretty stupid) 65 team set-up, only a single sacrificial #16 seed lamb had to play on a Tuesday and then again on Thursday.  Basically, all teams had from at least Sunday to rest and prepare.  Now, we are talking about perennial upset seeds (#12 or #11) playing on Tuesday, and then turning around, traveling and playing a rested team that is already seeded well above them (#5 or #6, depending on just which seed the NCAA has determined to screw).

Why do this?  Because people don't watch #16's play each other.  And the NCAA wants to prove the worth of expanding the field, and you can't do that with games that people don't watch.  So introduce slightly higher seeds to this unfair practice, and watch the eyeballs and advertising dollars roll in.  Which will then open the door to further expansion, under the old NFL standby of "The fans have demanded it!"  I know, for example, that I've never watched the old play-in game.  But I will watch two #12's go, just to determine if I think that winner has the goods to beat a #5.

From a practical standpoint, this does seriously effect how you do your Office Pool--#12 seeds are a fun upset pick for a reason.  They happen all the time.  Looking at the #5's predicted by Eric Prisbell in at least one of his last two most recent projections, I see a whole bunch of teams that seem awfully vulnerable to an upset:  Connecticut, Arizona, Kentucky, West Virginia, Georgetown, Vanderbilt.  Could a Richmond Spider team that was rested and prepared beat any of those teams?  You better believe it.  But could the Spiders also lose to fellow projected #12 seed Michigan?  If Timmy Hardaway Jr has anything to say about it, you better believe that, too.  So the NCAA is forcing you to either pick that theoretical game, or wait and pick.

So, do you ignore these games, and somehow give your office between Wednesday evening and Thursday morning to fill in their picks (obviously, difficult to do), or do you force everyone to fill out a sheet on Monday, and make them pick those games?  Or is this there a way that cheats through those games?  I'm thinking about offering about half-point bonuses to everyone who picks those games in advance, regardless of result, to encourage, but not force, early submission.  But I'm not sure that is practical.  Regardless, the new NCAA system has managed to be overly complex and difficult, and it really really didn't need to be.  I don't know if you could make adding three garbage teams a more byzantine process if you tried.

Keep an eye on the aforementioned Eric Prisbell's column.  He's been taking suggestions for how to run the new bracket, and will report on it on Selection Sunday.  I suggest having a plan in place before that, though.  At least alert your crew that they may have only 24 hours to fill out their sheets.  And when they ask why, tell them, "The NCAA is attempting to sodomize the Golden Goose."

Sunday, March 06, 2011

Secret NFL Plan

News Alert: the real reason for the threatened lockout is to increase revenue for the NFL. And their plan to do this is simple: the NFL will only be available through the subscription service on DirecTV.

The NFL will break its contracts with Fox and CBS. The cost of the NFL Season Ticket will rise to $5,000 per year.

You will pay it.

Saturday, March 05, 2011

Seeking an Identity: Redmen

The Washington professional football team lacks many things, and an identity is surely one of them. One might even say it is our chief lack.

Lacking leadership at QB, Coach Shanahan is the current face of this long-suffering organization. In trying to corral this rodeo of powderpuffs and ancient mariners, it is to be expected that his face would get contorted.

But as to Washington's identity, there is only vapor. A article provides some background, but as it moves from the past to the present, suddenly every sentence ends in a question mark.

For a team, "identity" means the factor which unites every individual in a common purpose.

What identity might Shanahan seek to impose? A safe bet would be the formula with which he won two Superbowls. Key to that is the transformation of the O-line into a smaller, faster unit to run the zone blocking. A non-retarded QB would have a good chance of success in such a system.

Considering the ongoing needs for defense, such widespread personnel changes typically take 2-3 years to complete. However, in Denver, Shanahan took over a perpetually underachieving 7-9 team. In his first year, they went 8-8. One year later they 13-3. Denver won its Superbowls in Shanahan's third and fourth year.

Washington's fans are hopeful that the coach can impose such an identity on a similar pace. Hanging over everyone's heads is the default identity of this team: celebratory racism. While it's true that we kicked the crap out of the Indians, there is no reason to be lording it over them still. Unless Shanahan is successful in establishing an identity, this team will be known only for its hard-hearted colonial arrogance.

Friday, March 04, 2011

Old School Thursday: PM Dawn

If I am going to be two days late with Old School Thursday, the least I can do is populate it with fat hippie pussies.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

And You Thought Your Favorite Team Had Problems?

The Bengals football team is humiliation in shoulder pads.

Observe the frantic fight-or-flight instincts of franchise QB Carson Palmer. The former Heisman Trophy winner, selected first overall in 2003, is desperate to get out of Cincinnati. He is insisting on a trade or he will retire.

It's hard to argue with his personal logic: "I have $80 million in the bank. I don't have to play football for money. I'll play it for the love of the game but that would have to be elsewhere. I'm prepared to live my life."

The Bengals response? No trade, because Palmer is crucial to the Bengals' plans. And that's just the problem: the Bengals' plan is to be shitty forever. Remember that Palmer directed their only two winning seasons out of the last twenty years.

Despite some bad injuries over the years, Palmer likely has something left in the tank. Would the Bengals refuse to trade him over spite?

Barry Sanders walked away only 1500 yards from the all-time rushing record, because he refused to play another game for the Lions. If Palmer follows through with his threat, it would be totally hilarious.
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