I Dislike Your Favorite Team

Take a drink every time Jon Gruden starts a sentence with "That guy" or "This guy". Have 911 on the speed dial, because I reckon you are probably looking at 100+ pulls.

Thanks, UroClub! I don't even play golf, but I want one of these. I'll piss anywhere I want, and people will just think I love cleaning my seven-iron. (seen via AV Club's Gift Guide)

There are worse ways to spend your Sunday mornings, waiting for the NFL to start, than to listen to Billy Bragg sing about gender politics via the lens of Motown songwriters and singers. Like, for example, going to church. That's a much worse way to spend time.

Patrick Reusse must have paid extra to live under a bridge that had internet access. Most bridges don't, you see. And he's a troll. Get it? I've just made a joke more clever than any of the dozen or so Reusse attempts in his Turkeys of the Year column.

Updating every 15 minutes is simply not often enough for me to know how much no new information is available, and when that no new information became available.

The Portland Pilots destroyed UCLA tonight, and that isn't the worst loss UCLA has suffered already this year.

Sure, lots o' NFL Teams have gone with a trend popularized by the Steelers when they interviewed and hired Mike Tomlin--the new "fad" all of a sudden is hiring young talented coordinators, and giving them their first taste of NFL Head Coaching.

I know that Thanksgiving means football, for people lucky enough not be saddled with family who think that Thanksgiving is about family (Boo, family members who think that!).

An outrageous Sunday of surprises showered both points and poo all over our contestants. Oaktown, Kansas Shitty and Detroit were all unexpectedly victorious. Although their seasons are over, they are still playing. They are among the worst teams in the league, but so far only the Rams and Squawks appear to have quit.

Not only did no one predict that the Detroit-Cleveland clash would result in the highest point total (75) this season, it was picked as the likely lowest scoring game by almost all participants. Another shower upon our Sunday best.

Standings
1. Miwacar: 41 pts (this week +3)
2. Barnyard: 36 pts
3. MMMan: 32 pts (this week +9)
Jess: 32 pts (this week +6)
4. Big BM: 21 pts
5. Adw: 12 pts
6. Lefnut: 11 pts

Week Twelve
1. Big Shoe-in? +2/-4
2. Little Shoe-in? +1/-2
3. Surprise! +3 Underdogs:
Lions, Oaktown, Bucs, Generals, Chefs, Bears
4. Favorite/Disliked? +/-1
5. Clash of the Titans:
New England Patriots at New Orleans Saints

Bonus Questions
6. Which game will be the closest? +3
7. Which game will have the largest point differential? +3
8. Last team standing: Saints or Colts? +2

Or he will, after one more year in the NFL. From CQ Politics.

I was going to write a whole screed about how the reporters and the game-wrecking Yankees speculators couldn't wait a single day after Joey Mau-Mau won his MVP before they started masturbating to their plans to acquire him. I was also going to include some reasons why I felt that it feels unlikely to happen. (one of my reasons not covered below is the Zen way Joe is approaching things; he's been quoted over and over again as saying, "Things will work out." He's said that much more often than the Free Agent preamble of, "At the end of the day, this is a business."

The BCS has hired Ari Fleischer's PR firm. Why do they need such a sneaky, accomplished bullshitter? Here's why, from the AP (on ESPN's site):

Yes, he's talking about the failure of the Knicks--and you can never have too many people doing that. But Lou Holtz?

This is a couple weeks old, but just watch Jason Sudeikis go?

As recently as when the Sports Illustrated College Basketball Preview was printed, Syracuse was considered a marginal Big Conference team. One that would make the Dance, sure, but not in the Top 20, or 25, or 30. SI had them at 35, though they were smart to mention the possible impact of transfer Wesley Johnson.

An amazing two touchdowns in nine games has finally lead the Raiders to bench Russel in favor of Bruce Gradkowski. Some may think that it's about time, but I beg to differ. Do you remember this guy? He hasn't thrown a touchdown in three years, but has thrown 11 interceptions. Last time he started was for Cleveland where he completed only 8 out of 16 passes for 18 yards AND two interceptions. Did he win the job last Sunday? Here are the ending plays for his four possessions last week: Incomplete pass, Int, Sack, Int. Russell has played aweful, but I think Gradkowski should prove even worse this week. The Raiders would be better off with Kitna. There, I said it.

I'm a supporter of Ireland, and I'm attempting to not let this get my Irish up too much, but FIFA needs to step in and fix this bullshit. No way France should get into the World Cup on two hand balls by Thierry Henry in overtime. This is the kind of shit that makes people hate you, France.

I was complaining toward the end of last season about how early ESPN rolled out Joe Lunardi's Bracketology. I also showed how inaccurate it was to predict the March seeds in early January. There was no point to it two months before the tournament. There's superultradoubleplus no point to it now.

Bonus Question note: nobody picked Dick "Dick" Jauron as the first coach to be fired.

I figured that if the Bills had been content with his mediocore coaching for three straight 7-9 seasons (and eight straight non-winning seasons; for his career he had losing seasons nine out of ten times), they would stand pat at least until the end of the year.

Instead, Bills ownership has to eat his recently extended contract. Sounds like they got a touch of the ol' Snyder flu! This picture makes me think of "Trading Places." And hey, how is T.O. working out for you boners?

As for Jauron ... I wish I could say enjoy your retirement, but I'm sure you'll soon have your own show on ESPN with equally qualified expert Matt Millen.

Ten weeks into our IDYFT NFL Pick'em, Miwacar and Barnyard seem to be pulling out ahead of the pack. The pack, however, remains within striking distance. With more bonus questions in the coming weeks, even those in the rear will have an opportunity to make up some ground.

Bonus Question: the "last team standing" will be offered every week until one or both currently undefeated teams is eliminated; this bonus will compound other relevant bonuses, so enjoy!

Standings
1. Miwacar: 38 points (this week +8)
2. Barnyard: 36 points (this week +8)
3. Jess: 26 points (this week +3)
4. MMMan: 23 points (this week +4)
5. Big BM: 21 points
6. Adw: 12 points (this week +1)
7. Leftnut: 11 points (this week +4)

Week 11
1. Big Shoe-in? +2/-4
2. Little Shoe-in? +1/-2
3. Surprise! +3 Underdog list:
Lions, Seahawks, Bucs, Generals, Jets, Oaktown
4. Favorite/Disliked Team? +/-1
5. Clash of the Titans: +/-2
San Diego Chargers at Denver Broncos

Bonus Questions
6. Which game will result in the most total points? +3
7. Which game will result in the least total points? +3
8. Last Team Standing: Colts or Saints? +2

I've talked, at length, on several occasions about why I think the Redskins team name has got to go. And it would be great if the team would just do the right thing. Because that's something that heartless corporations do all the time, right? Just doing the right thing because it is the right thing?

I don't think you'll see a trick play work this well the rest of the season. This is the Washington Savages, starting in a long field goal look, sliding it to a punt look, and finally having punter Hunter Smith heave across the field for a very unlikely and momentum stealing touchdown. The thing that this highlight doesn't show is that the Savages kind of tipped their hand--they came out, lined up the Field Goal, and then did the first half of the shift, into the punting formation. Then they kind of freaked out and called time out. But Denver still reacts to the shift (seeing it a second time) with a good deal of confusion. Regardless, awesome.

Today I felt something new - a disturbance in The Force if you will. I, and many others, thought and perhaps even a few muttered something like:
*Update: I stand corrected. Trent Dilfer had a passer rating of 0 vs the Jets on 12/14/1997. Here are some other's who have achieved the same greatness: Eli Manning, Joey Harrington, Jeff Garcia, Ryan Leaf, Gross Rexman, and believe it or not Terry Bradshaw pulled it off THREE times and holds the record for the most 0 passer rating games.

Chad Ochocinco was fined $20K for what seemed like a pretty light-hearted joke, in which he "attempted to bribe" an official with a $1 bill. It was a silly, harmless thing for Chad to do, and once again, the NFL stepped on him hard. Following last week's chin strap thing, it is easy to wonder if Chad isn't doing this sort of thing on purpose--a one man crusade to find the silly ways of being fined.

there is always Jared Allen. Minnesota fans, you must be proud.

I rarely mention my interest in/love of shitty Reality Shows, but I do watch a few, including Top Chef. But I do bring my critical eye to it, as you, fair reader, would demand. And there was some fucked up editing going on in tonight's episode.

Thanks for the big shoe filled with poo, Green Bay!

Standings
1. Miwacar: 30 pts (this week +7)
2. Barnyard: 28 pts (this week +5)
3. Jess: 23 pts (this week +4)
4. Big BM: 21 pts
5. MMMan: 19 pts (this week +1)
6. Adw: 11 pts
7. Leftnut: 7 pts (this week +3)
8. Garwood: 6 pts

Week Ten
1. Big Shoe-in? +2/-4
2. Little Shoe-in? +1/-2
3. Surprise! +3 Underdog list:
Lions, Seahawks, Bucs, Texans, Generals
4. Favorite/Disliked Team? +/-1
5. Do You Smell A Shutout? Yes (+2/-1) or No (+/-1)
6. Clash of the Titans: +/-2
New England Patriots at Indy Colts

I'm going to start something new - you ask the Prognosticating Tots your NFL related question for week 10, and the tots will answer! Simply place your question as a comment and the tots use their Nostradamian skills to predict the answer.

From the ESPN 30 for 30 documentary on Jimmy the Greek. According to Brent Musberger, the happiest he ever saw Jimmy the Greek was when he cashed a 25K bet on the 1983 Superbowl, by betting on the Raiders, because Al Davis told him the Raiders had too much speed for the Redskins.

Ace Pitcher

There are certainly some nice names available… Javier Vazquez and Derek Lowe in Atlanta, perhaps Roy Oswalt in Houston or Brandon Webb in Arizona, but each of these guys are going to come with a hefty price tag. If I am the Twins, I am going to target two young studs who aren’t nearly expensive… Cole Hamels of the Phillies or Josh Johnson of the Marlins.

Hamels had a tough year and struggled down the stretch for the Phillies. With J.A. Happ pitching great as a rookie, Pedro Martinez eager to return, Jamie Moyer locked in and 2008 Cy Young winner, Cliff Lee needing an extension, this might be a perfect time for the National League champions to sell high on the young lefty. With the Phillies in need of bullpen help, perhaps a deal centered around Matt Guerrier, a younger and cheaper lefty starter in Brian Duensing and a possible replacement for Ryan Howard in 2006 first round draft pick, Chris Parmelee gets it done.

Another possibility would be Josh Johnson. Florida is looking to lock-up Johnson to an extension, but word is that he will be out of the price range for the notoriously cheap Marlins. The 2009 all-star went 15-5 with a 3.23 ERA and will only be 26 next year. With Mauer now locked up, this is the time to trade high on catching prospect Wilson Ramos. The young kid is nearly ready and profiles to be a possible all-star down the road. A package centered around him, Brian Duensing and Alexi Casilla (the Marlins are looking to deal Dan Uggla so they could use the depth) would actually make quite a bit of sense.

Shortstop

While it might be farfetched to believe the Twins can find a suitable trading partner for an ace pitcher, J.J. Hardy of the Brewers is out there for the taking. The Brewers have made it abundantly clear that Hardy no longer fits in their future plans and he had a horrible 2009 that saw him demoted to AAA, however Hardy was quite solid in 2007 and 2008 and appears to be a logical bounce back candidate at only 27. Hardy is an above average fielder and has the ability to regularly hit 20+ homeruns. A package of Glen Perkins and Twins Minor League Pitcher of the Year, David Bromberg should get the deal done.

Trim the Fat

Finally, the Twins have two players who should be attractive to other clubs in Delmon Young and Matt Guerrier. Young was fantastic in September, but his defense is awful and his plate discipline has not improved. He certainly could still be a wonderful player, but the Twins should sell high on his September performance and see if they can net a quality prospect or two for Young. Some might argue that Gomez should be dealt, but I find his defense and speed incredibly valuable and he improved his plate discipline in 2009.

Matt Guerrier has led the league in appearances the last two seasons and has generally been quite good. Guerrier had his best season yet last year, but is getting a little older and more expensive so the Twins should deal him at his peak. With what teams pay for quality relievers these days, it would not be shocking if the Twins netted a nice-looking prospect or two in return.

Ideal and Feasible 2010 Twins Opening Day Roster:

Projected Roster Cost: $88 million + Mauer signing bonus

Starting Lineup:

1. Denard Span LF

2. Placido Polanco 2B

3. Joe Mauer C

4. Justin Morneau 1B

5. Michael Cuddyer RF

6. Jason Kubel DH

7. J.J. Hardy SS

8. Joe Crede 3B

9. Carlos Gomez CF

Bench:

C Jose Morales

IF Nick Punto

IF Matt Tolbert

OF David Winfree

Starting Pitching:

RH Josh Johnson

RH Scott Baker

RH Kevin Slowey

RH Nick Blackburn

LH Francisco Liriano

Bullpen:

RH Boof Bonser

LH Ron Mahay

RH Jesse Crain

LH Jose Mijares

RH Jon Rauch

RH Pat Neshek

RH Joe Nathan

* Note that in this formula, I have not tendered a contract to Brendan Harris, instead sticking with a cheaper Matt Tolbert. The loss of Delmon Young opens a spot for rookie, David Winfree who brings a strong bat off the bench. The losses of Duensing and Perkins clear away unnecessary competition in the starting ranks, but Manship and Swarzak remain if ineffectiveness or injury strikes again. Finally, with Guerrier gone, Boof Bonser and Pat Neshek maintain cheaper spots in the pen and are arguably just as effective.

With this roster, overall defense has improved with nearly every position containing an average or above average fielder. I was able to deal Delmon Young, Matt Guerrier, Alexi Casilla, Brian Duensing, Glen Perkins and two nice prospects for JJ Hardy and Josh Johnson. Hardy gives us a young shortstop we can count on for several years and Johnson is the ace we desperately need anchoring our staff. I’ve also picked up 2-4 prospects for Young and Guerrier who may potentially turn into big leaguers down the road. Alright, Mr. Bill Smith… get to work!

I understand that the Minnesota Timberwolves have a long range game plan, and it includes losing a fair number of games this year while a very very young team gains experience. But the hope is that they will be fun, hard-fought losses.

With Portis still a bit foggy, and reportedly questionable for Week 10, and the Chiefs wisely casting away over-the-hill pain in the ass former great Larry Johnson, it feels like one of those Dan Snyder perfect storms is brewing.

This is probably the most obvious move the Twins have this offseason. A lot of people think Mauer will be making at least $20 million annually, but I just don’t see it because of his injury history and the fact he may have to change positions in the future. Currently Jorge Posada is the highest paid catcher at $13.1 million and I see the Twins topping that by $5 million annually. A 6-year contract worth $108.6 million should make our hometown hero plenty happy… he becomes the highest paid catcher by a large margin and is the 9^th highest paid player in baseball. If they do not sign Mauer to an extension by the end of spring training, you can kiss him goodbye.

2. Sign Placido Polanco to a 2-year, $9 million contract.

The 33-year-old 2^nd baseman hit .285 this year with 10 homeruns and 72 RBI for the Detroit Tigers. His fielding is above average and he gets on base at a 35% clip. Polanco is an ideal fit for the Twins and would slot perfectly between Denard Span and Joe Mauer.

3. Resign Joe Crede to a 1 year, $2 million contract plus incentives.

Why would the Twins resign a guy that was only able to play 90 games? Defense. Joe Crede’s glove was as good as advertised leading all 3rd baseman, who logged over 700 innings, in UZR. With 3rd baseman of the future Danny Valencia still needing some seasoning, the Twins can gamble that Crede logs a fair amount of innings on the new grass field and adds double-digit homeruns.

4. Resign Ron Mahay to a 1 year, $1 million contract.

Mahay came over to the Twins on August 28^th for a player to be named later. Mahay only logged 9 innings, but struck out 8 and allowed only 2 earned runs. Gardenhire used Mahay almost strictly as a LOOGY (Lefty One Out Guy) and it worked quite well. Jose Mijares is the only other lefty in the bullpen and he is primarily used as a set-up guy for Joe Nathan, so the Twins could certainly use a guy with Mahay’s talents.

5. Let Orlando Cabrera, Carl Pavano and Mike Redmond find greener pastures.

Cabrera was certainly an igniter for the Twins during their torrid finish, but he lacks the on base percentage in the 2-hole that Gardy reserves for him. Tack on the fact that he is stretched defensively (11 errors in 57 games with the Twins) and you have a sub-average player demanding more money than he is worth. Carl Pavano pitched admirably down the stretch, but he is not the ace this team desperately needs. On a championship-caliber team, Carl Pavano is your 4th best pitcher. The Twins are better off spending the money on a #1 or #2 guy. Mike Redmond has had a great run in Minnesota, but his skills are in decline and the Twins have a capable and younger #2 catcher in Jose Morales. Redmond was a wonderful leader in the clubhouse, but his naked batting practice will not be missed!

6. Be active in the trade market.

As I mentioned above, the Twins have some major holes to fill, but own some attractive depth players available for other teams. In part 3, I'll discuss some of the possible trades and free agents that the Twins could pursue.

Somehow, ESPNews has found a women's college soccer game worthy of covering every 15 minutes? The reason is dirty player extraordinaire, Elizabeth Lambert of the New Mexico Lobos. She seems nice enough on her Lobo player page--anyone who loves Tacos can't be all bad.

Oh, Dodgers. You'll never win a post-season series that way. But you'll spend a lot of money, thus convincing folks your team must be good, despite all of your hilarious failures.

spoiler alert: The Black Freighter predicted that the Twins would trade for J.J. Hardy during the course of the regular season last year. He was sure it had to happen, because of the inherent logic of the deal. Later in his 2009 Off-Season Manifesto, he predicts the starting line-up for the Minnesota Twins when they take Target Field for the first time, and he's got J.J. Hardy in there at shortstop. He wrote it in a full 24 hours before the Twins pulled the trade. So there you go. The Black Freighter Knows Things. Enough! The Black Freighter Speaks: