Friday, November 06, 2009

A Modest Proposal

Much to my chagrin the Yankees have again won The World Series, which has brought past steroid use back into media discussions. A recent news story, previous news stories, and a work of literature that I think everyone is required to read in high school (see above) has inspired me to think of a solution that should appease both players, management and fans. The solution - Mr. Syringey.

That's right. You see, I long thought the days of public humiliation as a means to punish and deter crime (or as in The Scarlet Letter adultery) were long past. Not true. Reported just this November 3rd a Pennsylvania woman and her daughter were sentenced to hold a sign stating "I stole from a 9-year-old girl on her birthday! Don't steal or this could happen to you!" outside the courtroom in exchange for no jail time. In 2003 a Mr. Gementera was sentenced (sentence upheld despite appeals) to wear a sign stating "I have stolen mail. This is my punishment" in front of the post office in San Francisco - that's right liberal old San Fran. Then there's Judge Peter Miller of Florida who has sentenced hundreds of shoplifters over the past 11 years to carry signs indicating their crime. Awesome, and inspirational.

This brings us to Mr. Syringey. Steroid use has been a black eye for almost all sports, and punishments have been either non-existent or inconsistent to say the least. It would be unfair and more importantly non-entertaining to have all these users suspended from sports. I propose that all current athletes who either admitted too or are known to have used steroids be required to wear Mr. Syringey on their uniform.

Look! It's Mr. Syringey! The athlete gets to play, but disgruntled fans, pre-steroid era athletes, and those not cheating get a little retribution. Let's see how Mr. Syringey would look on A-Rod!

Awesome! How about Giambi?

Hey! How about a Mr. Syringey for the fanny of Manny?

Great! Wow 1 in 10 ex-NFL players used steroids? Well, you get the point.

Mr. Syringey! Now we can know, punish, and just keep watching our favorite sports heroes as if nothing happened. A definate win-win!


Jess said...

Excellent, excellent art work -- especially on Manny's Fanny.

Will there be Mr. Syringey plush toys? I hear Petey and Pokey have them.

Muumuuman said...

Wow. Thanks for that Jess, that will keep me smiling all day. If you see one of those at savers pick it up for my kids.

Jess said...

Anything for the prognosticating tots!

I was accosted by the urine specimen mascot at a block party this summer after he caught me taking a picture of him. He touched me. Ew.