I Dislike Your Favorite Team

In one of the very greatest Washington wins this entire 2011 football season, the Skins came from behind in the fourth quarter to beat the Seattle Shithawks. It was a particularly sloppy, ugly game as one ought to have expected. What was truly remarkable was that the run-pass ratio was actually normal.

Rookie Roy Helu, earning the start and a full game of carries, ran the ball 23 times on Sunday. That is equal to his carries in the last three games combined. Result? 108 yards and a TD versus the allegedly 4th ranked Seahawks run defense.


Here's the clue that someone has wised up: although Helu only chipped and chunked through the first three quarters, they kept giving him carries. On their first possession in the fourth quarter, Helu took a pitch off-tackle, hurdled a defender and smashed through some pathetic weakling to score his first career TD.

A running game may not excite Colon Cowherd or the stat nerds who insist that a three yard run is really a loss, but it wins football games in the 4th quarter. Especially for a team whose QB is guaranteed to throw two picks every game.

Next week the Skins play the Jets, whose run defense is a slim shadow of its former self. This is a winnable game, Kyle. Keep running the ball.

n.b. Santana Moss, in his first game back from a broken hand, laying the crucial block

Who advocates for children at the Center County DA's office? Princess, the dog. I recently picked up this sticker at a local state college children's event.

I've long submitted Old School Videos for your appreciation; I hope you have enjoyed them.

I'm sneaking a local new school favorite of mine (and lots of others) now when I slide in some Doomtree. They are a hip-hop collective, from the Twin Cities. Some members have already gotten some national notice; some have gotten even the higher regard of being noticed by this here blog.

There's been a reaction, nationwide, of shock and surprise, that hip-hop could come out of the Twin Cities. Never you mind that R&B and then hip-hop has been an important of the Twin Cities scene for a long, long time. People always seem surprised.

The Doomtree collective is going to surprise some folks, even though their big brothers at Rhymesayers featured a very similar growth, and in fact, helped get Doomtree out there. So the exact same people who were shocked as shit that Atmosphere and Brother Ali and Eyedea and DJ Abilities came out of the same city (much less the same label) are maybe going to be surprised to see that P.O.S. and Dessa Darling (both critically lauded in their own right) have got a posse and that posse does great work.

So, please to enjoy: P.O.S. (who, let's be clear--would be the MC of the Midwest, hands down, if not for Brother Ali), Dessa Darling, Cecil Otter, Sims and Mike Mictlan with producers Paper Tiger and Lazerbeak

"Quarterback play that showed brief flashes before bad decisions and turnovers at the worst possible time."

"Yet another injury to the already-crippled offensive line."

"The defense was stout through most of the game, but looked exhausted while giving away the lead at game's end."

"Questionable in-game coaching decisions, including substandard clock management."

"After a strong game by special teams, the field goal kicker blew the game-winner."

Rather than coerce these sentences back into the paragraphs, I'll let them define the OT loss to the Cowboys. Furthermore, these objections summarize this season, and last season, and every season since the 1992 Superbowl.

For years, people have written that the DC Skins lack an identity. I submit that their identity, brown-roasted by many hardship years, is apparent. Q.E.D.

Final point: I previously pointed out that DC's rush attempts were dead last in the league. Against Dallas, RBs had 19 carries whilst 41 passes were attemped. Happy Thanksgiving anyway!

State College, PA:

It has taken nearly 20 years of searching, but finally agents of The Federal Bureau of Investigation have stated in a press conference that they have found Bob. From FBI Regional Bureau Chief Gordon Cole:

-Gordon Cole: "WE LOST TRACK OF BOB NEARLY 20 YEARS AGO, BUT WE BELIEVE WE HAVE LOCATED BOB HIDING IN STATE COLLEGE, PENNSYLVANIA AS JERRY SANDUSKY!"

-Reporter: "Is this true, or just a hunch?'

-Gordon Cole: "NO THANKS, I ALREADY ATE."

According to sources within the FBI, Bob was last seen in the woods of northern Washington. "Bob" is a demonic entity from a place agents referred to as "The Black Lodge." Bob spends his time possessing humans and causes them to commit horrible acts that elicit pain, suffering, and fear in those around him. This suffering, according to agents, is a kind of food to Bob. From the press conference:

Gordon Cole: "THE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THE 1989 TO 1991 INVESTIGATION ARE TOO NUMEROUS TO IGNORE. FOR EXAMPLE, IN BOTH CASES, THE MAN WHO LEAD US TO BOB WAS NAMED MIKE."

Reporter: "You're speaking of Mike McQueary?"

Gordon Cole: "YES! I'M HARD OF HEARING!"

As indicated by Bureau Chief Gordan Cole, there are other similarities. In both cases, Bob possessed a respected member of the community. Also, as revealed in the following pictures released by the FBI, the physical similarities between Sandusky and Bob are too much to ignore.


Agent's believe that Bob escaped Washington and fled to Pennsylvania in the body of agent Dale Cooper. Since, Dale Cooper has left the FBI and pursued a career in dentistry. After he failed as a dentist, he has recently found success as the Major of Portland. From Dale Cooper:

After a one week hiatus to collect ourselves and ponder the memory of Heavy D, we are ready to celebrate the   big man (and not for the first time).  RIP, Heavy D!

Assault in Janesville, WI after a woman discovers her McDonald's isn't serving dinner at 3 am. They made the mistake of starting their breakfast service.

Just back from a successful writing tour of Europe. Wonder how my
DC Skins have been doing? I'll just open this newspaper (rustle rustle) :

When the Skins were 3-1, I foresaw a multi-game skid. Since then, injuries have racked our already-thin offensive line (sound familiar?) resulting in nonexistent running and pass protection. QB play, the weakest link on the team, has been atrocious. In sooth, I have written these sentences just about every year since I started laying it on thick around these parts.

QB plays is rather oversold to the NFL consumer, but nonetheless it is a tremendous factor in a team's fortunes. Absolutely no one should have been surprised that Gross Rexman turned in a goat-shit performance staying on par for 2 turnovers per game. Deja vu, this sentence: "But Grossman failed when it mattered most".*

We knew that these flaws were sewn into the poorly-fitted leaky raincoat that is the 2011 DC Skins. However, the biggest frustration remains a familiar refrain, "Pass-happy playcalling featuring a shitty QB." But it's getting worse: Kyle Shanahan's run-pass ratio is plummeting towards terminal velocity.

In 2010, Kyle called 319 runs and 683 passes (including QB runs & sacks). Less than one third of his playcalls were runs, 31st in the league at 31.8%. That low wattage offense finished 18th in scoring.

In 2011, Kyle has called 172 runs and 374 passes (including QB runs & sacks). His playcall percentage has fallen to 32nd in the league and dipped down to 31.5%. The non-wattage offense is 28th in scoring.

This is what I mean when I write "it's getting worse." Although the statistics aren't available, we all know that Gross Rexman is chasing down Kordell Stewart for most INTs thrown into the end zone. Even if the rushing isn't getting much done, it is absolutely necessary to run the ball, especially with a broken jalopy like the DC Skins offense.

Kyle Shanahan must call runs. But we know he won't. I thought we were getting his father's offense?

On Sunday, the DC Skins are starting Gross Rexman versus the surging Cowboys. I think we all know how it's going to go, but let me chuck out a byline for you: 15 rushes versus 42 passes, 2 INTs and no offensive TDs. Anyone want to take that bet?





*this is from the Washington Times but I'm actually quoting it from the tattoo on Rexman's soul

The Penn State's creamery had a flavor to honor Jerry Sandusky. It was called the "Sandusky Blitz" according to Penn Live. What flavor combination was the Sandusky blitz you ask? Banana flavored ice cream with chocolate covered peanuts and a carmel swirl. I'll leave it at that.

The local State College "newspaper" has the following headline on its front page:

Yeah, LSU and Alabama had a defensive struggle for the ages. Yeah, there was OK St and Kansas St having an offensive struggle for the ages. Baseball is on the Hot Stove, Week 9 in the NFL promises to be a turning point. Vikings Stadium and the NBA Season in doubt...

But here's what I want to talk about. An advertisement from Little Caesar's. I find it nonsensical in the extreme. I feel like whatever money Little Caesar's paid to make this advertisement happen was money they could have spent on me to come up with something better than this. And I'm not a marketing guy, at all. But, seriously, Little Caesar's, let's not bother talking about what is wrong with this advertisement, let's talk about what is right with this advertisement. It will take a few seconds. And then we'll discuss what is wrong.




What is right--you are letting sad, lonely people who find themselves alone and sad on Thanksgiving that they do indeed have a way to be sadder and more lonely--they could go eat Little Caesar's pizza. Hey, sad and lonely people--you deserve to be sad and alone, and you don't deserve good pizza. You deserve this shit. Message delivered. That point is well delivered, Little Caesar's.

But all the same, it is delivered clumsily, yeah?

I mean--"Don't Be a Turkey--Eat."  Fuck that! Turkeys eat.They eat all the time. Everyone knows that. I know that, and I know I am not an expert in turkey dietary habits. It is confusing to suggest that being a turkey means that one doesn't eat. That makes no sense. But fine, I'll suspend my disbelief, and I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Turkeys don't eat. Got it. I'm with you.

Or I would be, If you had not depicted turkeys eating in the very same ad in which you proclaim, "Don't be a Turkey..EAT!"

So, which is it, Little Caesar's? Am I a Turkey if I don't eat? Or am I a Turkey if I do eat? It certainly can't be both, unless we're dealing with some sort of Schroedinger's Box quantum theory bullshit. And whilst aiming a Thanksgiving pizza campaign at Quantum Physicists might make some sense, I don't believe that is what you were actually going for. I think your marketing is being run by the owner's son-in-law, who "just needs a chance to prove that he can market" or something like that.

I mean, c'mon. You can't depict a Turkey eating a terrible pizza whilst proclaiming that one should not act like a Turkey, and that the best way to do that is to eat a terrible pizza. It's fucking CONFUSING, Little Caesar's.