Monday, November 28, 2011

Kyle Shanahan Reads IDYFT

In one of the very greatest Washington wins this entire 2011 football season, the Skins came from behind in the fourth quarter to beat the Seattle Shithawks. It was a particularly sloppy, ugly game as one ought to have expected. What was truly remarkable was that the run-pass ratio was actually normal.

Rookie Roy Helu, earning the start and a full game of carries, ran the ball 23 times on Sunday. That is equal to his carries in the last three games combined. Result? 108 yards and a TD versus the allegedly 4th ranked Seahawks run defense.

Here's the clue that someone has wised up: although Helu only chipped and chunked through the first three quarters, they kept giving him carries. On their first possession in the fourth quarter, Helu took a pitch off-tackle, hurdled a defender and smashed through some pathetic weakling to score his first career TD.

A running game may not excite Colon Cowherd or the stat nerds who insist that a three yard run is really a loss, but it wins football games in the 4th quarter. Especially for a team whose QB is guaranteed to throw two picks every game.

Next week the Skins play the Jets, whose run defense is a slim shadow of its former self. This is a winnable game, Kyle. Keep running the ball.

n.b. Santana Moss, in his first game back from a broken hand, laying the crucial block

This sticker may help explain why it took the Centre County DA's Office so long to charge Sandusky.

Who advocates for children at the Center County DA's office? Princess, the dog. I recently picked up this sticker at a local state college children's event.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Old School Thursday: Doomtree

I've long submitted Old School Videos for your appreciation; I hope you have enjoyed them.

I'm sneaking a local new school favorite of mine (and lots of others) now when I slide in some Doomtree. They are a hip-hop collective, from the Twin Cities. Some members have already gotten some national notice; some have gotten even the higher regard of being noticed by this here blog.

There's been a reaction, nationwide, of shock and surprise, that hip-hop could come out of the Twin Cities. Never you mind that R&B and then hip-hop has been an important of the Twin Cities scene for a long, long time. People always seem surprised.

The Doomtree collective is going to surprise some folks, even though their big brothers at Rhymesayers featured a very similar growth, and in fact, helped get Doomtree out there. So the exact same people who were shocked as shit that Atmosphere and Brother Ali and Eyedea and DJ Abilities came out of the same city (much less the same label) are maybe going to be surprised to see that P.O.S. and Dessa Darling (both critically lauded in their own right) have got a posse and that posse does great work.

So, please to enjoy: P.O.S. (who, let's be clear--would be the MC of the Midwest, hands down, if not for Brother Ali), Dessa Darling, Cecil Otter, Sims and Mike Mictlan with producers Paper Tiger and Lazerbeak

Monday, November 21, 2011

Recurrent Phrasing

"Quarterback play that showed brief flashes before bad decisions and turnovers at the worst possible time."

"Yet another injury to the already-crippled offensive line."

"The defense was stout through most of the game, but looked exhausted while giving away the lead at game's end."

"Questionable in-game coaching decisions, including substandard clock management."

"After a strong game by special teams, the field goal kicker blew the game-winner."

Rather than coerce these sentences back into the paragraphs, I'll let them define the OT loss to the Cowboys. Furthermore, these objections summarize this season, and last season, and every season since the 1992 Superbowl.

For years, people have written that the DC Skins lack an identity. I submit that their identity, brown-roasted by many hardship years, is apparent. Q.E.D.

Final point: I previously pointed out that DC's rush attempts were dead last in the league. Against Dallas, RBs had 19 carries whilst 41 passes were attemped. Happy Thanksgiving anyway!

Friday, November 18, 2011

That's About Right

Video: Little girl driven to tears

BREAKING NEWS: FBI launches Penn State investiagtion, believes Jerry Sandusky may be "Bob"

State College, PA:

It has taken nearly 20 years of searching, but finally agents of The Federal Bureau of Investigation have stated in a press conference that they have found Bob. From FBI Regional Bureau Chief Gordon Cole:


-Reporter: "Is this true, or just a hunch?'


According to sources within the FBI, Bob was last seen in the woods of northern Washington. "Bob" is a demonic entity from a place agents referred to as "The Black Lodge." Bob spends his time possessing humans and causes them to commit horrible acts that elicit pain, suffering, and fear in those around him. This suffering, according to agents, is a kind of food to Bob. From the press conference:


Reporter: "You're speaking of Mike McQueary?"

Gordon Cole: "YES! I'M HARD OF HEARING!"

As indicated by Bureau Chief Gordan Cole, there are other similarities. In both cases, Bob possessed a respected member of the community. Also, as revealed in the following pictures released by the FBI, the physical similarities between Sandusky and Bob are too much to ignore.

PHOTO: Image of "Bob" (left), Jerry Sandusky (right), and Sandusky with Bob's hair for comparison.

Agent's believe that Bob escaped Washington and fled to Pennsylvania in the body of agent Dale Cooper. Since, Dale Cooper has left the FBI and pursued a career in dentistry. After he failed as a dentist, he has recently found success as the Major of Portland. From Dale Cooper:

-"After Bob left my body, I've gone through some hard times. I feel empty inside, like I don't have a soul anymore - so I moved to Portland."

Another FBI Agent involved in case, Albert Rosenfield, was last seen parading as an art instructor.

Again, from Gordon Cole:


After the press conference, the Penn State board of trusties released a statement demanding the FBI halt the investigation.

-"Since these FBI agents do not have financial ties and relationships to Penn State, the board of trusties, local authorities, or The Second Mile organization that they are not qualified to conduct an investigation. The agents can not be trusted to act in the best interests of Penn State."

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Old School Thursday: Heavy D

After a one week hiatus to collect ourselves and ponder the memory of Heavy D, we are ready to celebrate the   big man (and not for the first time).  RIP, Heavy D!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

They Love Their Late Dinners in Wisconsin

Assault in Janesville, WI after a woman discovers her McDonald's isn't serving dinner at 3 am. They made the mistake of starting their breakfast service.

Un Saison Perdu

Just back from a successful writing tour of Europe. Wonder how my
DC Skins have been doing? I'll just open this newspaper (rustle rustle) :

When the Skins were 3-1, I foresaw a multi-game skid. Since then, injuries have racked our already-thin offensive line (sound familiar?) resulting in nonexistent running and pass protection. QB play, the weakest link on the team, has been atrocious. In sooth, I have written these sentences just about every year since I started laying it on thick around these parts.

QB plays is rather oversold to the NFL consumer, but nonetheless it is a tremendous factor in a team's fortunes. Absolutely no one should have been surprised that Gross Rexman turned in a goat-shit performance staying on par for 2 turnovers per game. Deja vu, this sentence: "But Grossman failed when it mattered most".*

We knew that these flaws were sewn into the poorly-fitted leaky raincoat that is the 2011 DC Skins. However, the biggest frustration remains a familiar refrain, "Pass-happy playcalling featuring a shitty QB." But it's getting worse: Kyle Shanahan's run-pass ratio is plummeting towards terminal velocity.

In 2010, Kyle called 319 runs and 683 passes (including QB runs & sacks). Less than one third of his playcalls were runs, 31st in the league at 31.8%. That low wattage offense finished 18th in scoring.

In 2011, Kyle has called 172 runs and 374 passes (including QB runs & sacks). His playcall percentage has fallen to 32nd in the league and dipped down to 31.5%. The non-wattage offense is 28th in scoring.

This is what I mean when I write "it's getting worse." Although the statistics aren't available, we all know that Gross Rexman is chasing down Kordell Stewart for most INTs thrown into the end zone. Even if the rushing isn't getting much done, it is absolutely necessary to run the ball, especially with a broken jalopy like the DC Skins offense.

Kyle Shanahan must call runs. But we know he won't. I thought we were getting his father's offense?

On Sunday, the DC Skins are starting Gross Rexman versus the surging Cowboys. I think we all know how it's going to go, but let me chuck out a byline for you: 15 rushes versus 42 passes, 2 INTs and no offensive TDs. Anyone want to take that bet?

*this is from the Washington Times but I'm actually quoting it from the tattoo on Rexman's soul

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Penn State's Berkey Creamery pulls an ice cream flavor

The Penn State's creamery had a flavor to honor Jerry Sandusky. It was called the "Sandusky Blitz" according to Penn Live. What flavor combination was the Sandusky blitz you ask? Banana flavored ice cream with chocolate covered peanuts and a carmel swirl. I'll leave it at that.

Penn State PR machine: Let's hide behind JoePa

Even though the police made it clear that JoePa was not charged, or part of the investigation, the clever Penn State PR machine has done their best to keep the old icon the spotlight. Rumor's have "slipped out" that the board of trusties support of Paterno is wavering. Bull Shit. That story didn't slip out. It took 8 years for the story that Sandusky was a child molester to "slip out" (Oh wait, it didn't slip out, it was forced out by a grand jury and formal charges). Clearly, there is not a tighter lipped organization on the planet. They knew the only way to distract the press and an angered student body from the three stooges, Curley, Schwartz, and Spanier, was to hide behind the beloved hero, Joe Paterno. The student body took the bait. Rather than protest at the admin building demanding resignations of those accused of prejury, prejury protecting a child molester, they went to JoePa's house to show support. Students, alumni, and press: you've been manipulated like a bunch of deer in the headlights. Excellent work Penn State PR machine, I'm guessing you had some time to plan this out. We'll see if JoePa's magic iconicity can shield the douchebags and halt a true investigation into the what is happening behind closed doors, and showers, at Penn State.

UPDATE: The student's are rioting, though I use that term loosely as some drunken idiots are damaging things, while most students are taking pics and videos to post on Facebook and/or YouTube. They are Penn State!

UPDATE: Well, they fired JoePa and Spanier at 10:00 p.m. this evening, shortly after learning that a Federal investigation of Penn State was in the works. The hide behid JoePa plan wasn't going to fly. I guess the PR machine didn't take into consideration that 10:00 p.m. is when college students are generally known for thier best behaivor. We'll see what State College looks like tomorrow. I'd suggest that having Nebraska come to town for a game this weekend may not be the best idea. From a taunting perspective, the Nebraska fans have some ammo, and the Penn State fans are having an emotional breakdown.

Monday, November 07, 2011

Sandusky: Child molester, but look at his charity work!

The local State College "newspaper" has the following headline on its front page:

"Jerry Sandusky through the years: Photos from the career and charitable work of Jerry Sandusky"

Oh yes, let us all take time to remember the charitable work of an accused child molester, by watching a nice photo essay. WHAT THE FUCK! What's next for the Centre Daily times? A new photo essay!

"John Wayne Gacy: Businessman, community volunteer, and silly clown."

I understand an organizations desire to protect its public image. But without a doubt, I think when given the choice between protecting your image by protecting a child molester or notifying the police of a child molester, you'd choose the latter. Apparently, Penn State's image is more important than a few boys being molested, and more important than the boys that were molested after 2002, when the athletic direcor was notified that Sandusky was seen molesting a child at Penn State. Indeed, They are Penn State!

The police were informed in 1998 that Sandusky was doing nasty, santorum producing things with children. This from Penn Live:

-Police investigated that report [of molestation] in May 1998, and then-District Attorney Ray Gricar never pursued charges.

A member of law enforcement who was in the room with Gricar said the DA was told about the report, and had two police officers hide in the mother’s home while Sandusky came to her house to talk about what happened.

The meeting, according to the source, was Sandusky’s idea.

“That mother said to the police, ‘He’s coming over to explain what happened to me,’¤” the source said. “Ray and the detectives decided that they would go to the house to find out what was going on — to hear what he had to say.”

A few days later, Gricar got a report back from police.

“Ray said ‘I’ll be in touch,’ and he called the chief or supervisors for those detectives. I don’t know what he said, but I know that no investigation or charges were pursued from that point on,” the source said.

By June 2, the report was labeled “unfounded” by Penn State police, and the case was closed.

The Penn State police officer who led that investigation, Ron Schreffler, is now retired. When approached in March, Schreffler said he couldn’t comment and asked a reporter, “How did you see that report?”

How'd you see that report? That's his question? Nice.


So why didn't the DA file charges in 1998? That's a good question, let's ask him - oh wait, we can't! He mysteriously disappeared six years ago. More from Penn Live:

Another bizarre twist: Ray Gricar, the Centre County district attorney at the time of the 1998 investigation into Victim 6's allegations, has been missing since 2005 and was declared legally dead in July of this year. We may never know why Gricar did not press charges against Sandusky, despite Sandusky's admissions—per the grand jury report—that he had showered naked with the boy and hugged him. The hard drive from Gricar's computer turned up on the banks of the Susquehanna River six months after his disappearance, according to this story Granim wrote three years ago, when she was still at the State College, Pa.-based Centre County Daily Times. Whatever was on that hard drive will forever be the subject of speculation now.

This is just getting uglier by the day.

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Little Caesar's Messes With My Mind

Yeah, LSU and Alabama had a defensive struggle for the ages. Yeah, there was OK St and Kansas St having an offensive struggle for the ages. Baseball is on the Hot Stove, Week 9 in the NFL promises to be a turning point. Vikings Stadium and the NBA Season in doubt...

But here's what I want to talk about. An advertisement from Little Caesar's. I find it nonsensical in the extreme. I feel like whatever money Little Caesar's paid to make this advertisement happen was money they could have spent on me to come up with something better than this. And I'm not a marketing guy, at all. But, seriously, Little Caesar's, let's not bother talking about what is wrong with this advertisement, let's talk about what is right with this advertisement. It will take a few seconds. And then we'll discuss what is wrong.

What is right--you are letting sad, lonely people who find themselves alone and sad on Thanksgiving that they do indeed have a way to be sadder and more lonely--they could go eat Little Caesar's pizza. Hey, sad and lonely people--you deserve to be sad and alone, and you don't deserve good pizza. You deserve this shit. Message delivered. That point is well delivered, Little Caesar's.

But all the same, it is delivered clumsily, yeah?

I mean--"Don't Be a Turkey--Eat."  Fuck that! Turkeys eat.They eat all the time. Everyone knows that. I know that, and I know I am not an expert in turkey dietary habits. It is confusing to suggest that being a turkey means that one doesn't eat. That makes no sense. But fine, I'll suspend my disbelief, and I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Turkeys don't eat. Got it. I'm with you.

Or I would be, If you had not depicted turkeys eating in the very same ad in which you proclaim, "Don't be a Turkey..EAT!"

So, which is it, Little Caesar's? Am I a Turkey if I don't eat? Or am I a Turkey if I do eat? It certainly can't be both, unless we're dealing with some sort of Schroedinger's Box quantum theory bullshit. And whilst aiming a Thanksgiving pizza campaign at Quantum Physicists might make some sense, I don't believe that is what you were actually going for. I think your marketing is being run by the owner's son-in-law, who "just needs a chance to prove that he can market" or something like that.

I mean, c'mon. You can't depict a Turkey eating a terrible pizza whilst proclaiming that one should not act like a Turkey, and that the best way to do that is to eat a terrible pizza. It's fucking CONFUSING, Little Caesar's.

Thursday, November 03, 2011

Old School Thursday: Salt 'n' Pepa w/ En Vogue

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