Showing posts with label Wisconsin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wisconsin. Show all posts

Friday, September 28, 2012

So, What's Going On In Wisconsin These Days?

Wisconsin man arrested for humping discarded curbside couch

Now that's a love seat! Yeah! 

They never disappoint in the Florida of the Midwest.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Oh, Wisconsin: Sensenbrenner Edition

Oh, sure, we've detailed ridiculous Wisconsin behavior before. And maybe, as you've read through those stories, of drunken Santas and Deer Corpse Fuckers and drunken hammer wielding food thieves and mothers stealing their daughter's identity to relive high school and all that shit, you've wondered, "I wonder what kind of people they elect to represent them?"

Of course, you probably know that the Real World Boston cast member/one-time ESPN Outdoor Games commentator Sean Duffy (who I once ran into and pestered at Billy's on Grand. Mostly with the following questions--"So, Montana--what was she like? Bitchy, right? Because I watched your season, and she came off as super-sucky.") is now in the House of Representatives (for now, but with quotes like this--not for long).

But the old man of the GOP in Wisconsin is James Sensenbrenner. He's been around forever. The Democrats in Wisconsin have Milwaukee Bucks owner Herb Kohl (until he retires next year). The Republicans have Sensenbrenner. Both have been in public office for as long as you have been cognizant of Congress (or close to it).

So, what did Representative James Sensenbrenner do to make news this week? Did he help broker the deal that finally got that payroll tax vacation passed? Did he make a courageous stand against the horrible SOPA Bill? Or did he live up to his Wisconsininess, and do something incredibly stupid and wrong-headed, and sit down with a bunch of citizens, and make rude comments about Michelle Obama's ass?

GUESS!  According to one of the people there, this happened:  "He implied that Michelle Obama being interested in childhood obesity was not serious, he sort of made fun of it and then he made fun of her. He said something like, look at her big butt.”

A couple of things here:

1. Thanks to Representative James Sensenbrenner, we can finally have the conversation we, as a nation, have always wanted to have--which First Lady would you most like to tag? To be fair, we'd probably have to exclude Dolley Madison, because we all know she was a tramp who would be down for all sorts of freaky shit, and would run away with the poll.

Image: Portrait of Dolley Madison. White House Collection
dead sexy. 
2. Representative James Sensenbrenner has a bit of a case of Pot-Kettle Syndrome. If the Kettle were a pretty hot, late 40's black woman lawyer and wife of the President, and the Pot was just another fat white dude from Wisconsin.

"Hypocrisy? Is that something I can fry in bacon fat?"

In short, fuck Representative James Sensenbrenner and fuck the horse he rode in on (that died of exhaustion shortly thereafter). Fat jokes are meant to be 1) written by dicks on the Internet and 2) directed at actual fat people, like dudes who have their own lobster bib growing out of their collar. Calling Michelle Obama's ass "large" when you are sitting on the soggy copy of The White Pages that you call your ass? Sir Mix-a-Lot is THIS CLOSE to moving to Wisconsin, establishing residency and taking your job from you.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Wisconsin Criminals Do The Reporting For You

Couple of thieves ass-dial 911, spill details of crime to the cops. WISCONSIN!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

They Love Their Late Dinners in Wisconsin

Assault in Janesville, WI after a woman discovers her McDonald's isn't serving dinner at 3 am. They made the mistake of starting their breakfast service.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Hey, Michigan State, Where's-a Mario?

Seen 1/11/11 in East Lansing, Michigan State hosting Wisconsin (who absolutely crumbled down the stretch).  Is that Luigi being portrayed by Wayne Rooney?

Friday, January 07, 2011

More Terrible Judgement from Wisconsin: Snooki Edition

The AV Club has helpfully highlighted the pride of a man from Union Grove, WI.  His Snooki tattoo.  God damn you, Wisconsin.  Stop acting like shitheads for a day, please.

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Seriously, Wisconsin--Enough With the (alleged) Bizarre Sex Crimes

We've been documenting these for awhile, and a few have been pretty disturbing but I don't what to say about this one.

Star Tribune's Paul Walsh writes, "Two Wisconsin men, one of them a twice-convicted sex offender, have denied in court that they used a live snake to rape a woman in a home in Eau Claire."

emphasis fucking mine.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Seems Reasonable, Wisconsinite


A 66-year-old man from the Town of Vermont is in custody after a tense 15-hour standoff between himself and Dane County deputies that allegedly began after he became enraged by Bristol Palin's performance on "Dancing with the Stars" and fired a shotgun at a television in the home.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Wisconsin, Where Even the Ultra-Pious Are Dirtbags

from Channel 3000:

Two Amish brothers are facing a string of sexual assault charges, including committing incest and engaging in bestiality, on a Grant County farm.
The Grant County sheriff said it's one of the strangest and most disturbing cases he has seen.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Ah, Wisconsin

From Anne Jurgen, LaCrosse Tribune:

A pregnant La Crosse woman on probation is accused of trying to rob a South Side restaurant for drug money late Tuesday only to fail when she could not pull her weapon — a hammer — from her shorts.
"I want a soft shell and this is a stickup. Give me all your money," the woman reportedly told the cashier.....[Julie] Bailey, who had a 0.21 blood-alcohol content when arrested, told police her roommate threatened to evict her if she didn't come up with money for crack cocaine. She tried to sell her engagement ring back to Kmart for $150

Pregnant, drunk, and a hammer in her pants; that sums up LaCrosse as well as anything could.
updated to include link.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

One Year Anniversary: Ron Coomer Gettin' Rubbed

Good Times, Good Times!

Saturday, June 05, 2010

Honesty in Adversity, A Wisconsin Virtue

From the AP:

STEVENS POINT, Wis. — An Amherst man accused of trying to steal dirty diapers from a home has been sentenced to 30 months of probation....

According to the complaint, when [the homeowner who had detained Dillon Makuski] asked whether he intended to steal dirty diapers, Makuski said "yes."

Friday, February 26, 2010

Alvin Robertson Did What?

You expect some crime from people. Therefore, you expect some crime from former professional athletes.

I feel as though I was quite innocent in those days when I reacted with shock to the news that Bam Morris (10 pounds) or Nate Newton (213 pounds) got arrested for a lot of marijuana in their car.

Because, Alvin Robertson is truly shocking. Fuck drugs. He engaged, allegedly, in an underage sex ring. So says the fourteen year old girl who escaped the ring Robertson is allegedly involved with, who says they drove her around, made her engage in sex acts, and then made her dance in a strip club.

I mean, really? Holy shit. I think that's as good as my commentary is going to be. HOLY SHIT. It should be noted that as a former Milwaukee Buck, Robertson was exposed to the seamy underbelly of the United States known as Wisconsin, where, presumably, this kind of shit happens all the time.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Degenerate Wisconites Come To Minnesota: Steal Walleyes

You bastards!

Four Wisconsin anglers come to Minnesota to go fishing, promptly go 40 fish over the limit, and whine about their trip: "the anglers admitted they knew the law, but took more fish because they drove such a long distance from Wisconsin to northwestern Minnesota."

Tough shit, babies! Pay your fine and get the fuck out!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Children Always Steal Reindeer From the Drunkest Santas

Oh, Wisconsin:

Santa Claus is in trouble with the law in one western Wisconsin city. Police in Sparta said they cited a man dressed as Santa after witnesses told officers he stumbled out of a vehicle, approached several children playing in a yard, hugged them and demanded to know the whereabouts of his reindeer.

update: Raw police footage here!

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

This is Called "Kicking the Tires" in Wisconsin

Permit me to rearrange this story from Wisconsin to give it maximum Wisconsiness:

"Benjamin Tatzel, 45, of La Crosse, registered a preliminary breath-test reading of 0.39 percent Monday afternoon, police said. That's nearly five times the legal limit for operating a motor vehicle.

Police gave Tatzel a public intoxication warning, meaning he can either pay a $240 fine or attend a two-hour sobriety class, police said."

Here's the kicker:

"[Talzel, a] liver transplant recipient was cited for being falling-down drunk on a street in La Crosse, Wis., police said Wednesday."

People, whether you have a new liver or not, .39 percent is awfully fucking drunk. On a new liver, on which you are not supposed to be any unnecessary strains, .39 is way, way too high.

Monday, August 03, 2009

AP Buries the Lede in Infidelity Revenge Story

Consider the opening graf from this AP Story:

"Four Wisconsin women are accused in a plot that left a married man tied up after they allegedly found out he was romantically involved with three of them."

Hey, that's interesting and all, and would be kind of strange for another state. But this is Wisconsin, home of dead deer fuckers and the like. Where's that Wisconsin edge? You actually have to read down a few paragraphs to get into what makes it special:

"Authorities say [48-year-old Therese A.] Ziemann punched the man in the face and glued his penis to his stomach."

C'mon AP! Glued Penis screams Wisconsin. You don't leave that for the fourth paragraph. You know better than that.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Ron Coomer In Creepy-Vision

Sure, the talk this week has been all about another creepy, sick video, but the lads over at FSN have a response. The Twins media folks have been doing some promotion work at Wisconsin vacation getaway city, the Wisconsin Dells. It's been horrible timing for it, as the weather has been the coldest it has ever been in 100 years for July in the northern midwest.

But during tonight's Twins game (which the Twins won over the Rangers, 4-1, to get their win streak up to four games) there was one of the most disturbing cross promotions. This one is former MLB'er (career AVG: .274) Ron Coomer, being massaged by an employee of Rhapsody Resort and Spa. Your camera operator is Garwood B. Jones of IDYFT, and would wholly endorse his fancy iPhone has a video camera.

"Enjoy" the video--please note the volume isn't super loud, and you may have to turn up your speakers to really the truly creepy way Ron Coomer is talking (I term it the "near-release whisper"). The people reacting at the end are the awesome crew of Dick Bremer and Bert Blyleven, who should be in the Fucking Hall of Fame already.

Friday, July 17, 2009

In Wisconsin, The Hot Dog Eats You

An Oscar Mayer Wienermobile crashed into a home in Wisconsin. What more needs to be said? I think I used my best joke in the title anyway.

I can't even find a full length video of The Detroit Cobras song "Hot Dog". I'm going to stop by the Straw Store, and see if I can't buy some of them Grasping Straws I've heard so much about. In the meantime....Ladies and Gentlemen, The Detroit Cobras!

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Wisconsin Radio Shacks + 50 Year Old Men = Thunderdome!

I exaggerate:
"A worker at Radio Shack was arrested for punching a customer.

According to the police report, 56-year-old Leigh Carey was trying to return something at the Radio Shack on Clairemont Avenue.

Carey told investigators Knol wouldn't let him, so he asked to talk to a manager.

That's when he says Knol started punching him and a witness called 911."

(--via Boing Boing Gadgets)

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