Wisconsin man arrested for humping discarded curbside couch

Oh, sure, we've detailed ridiculous Wisconsin behavior before. And maybe, as you've read through those stories, of drunken Santas and Deer Corpse Fuckers and drunken hammer wielding food thieves and mothers stealing their daughter's identity to relive high school and all that shit, you've wondered, "I wonder what kind of people they elect to represent them?"

Of course, you probably know that the Real World Boston cast member/one-time ESPN Outdoor Games commentator Sean Duffy (who I once ran into and pestered at Billy's on Grand. Mostly with the following questions--"So, Montana--what was she like? Bitchy, right? Because I watched your season, and she came off as super-sucky.") is now in the House of Representatives (for now, but with quotes like this--not for long).

But the old man of the GOP in Wisconsin is James Sensenbrenner. He's been around forever. The Democrats in Wisconsin have Milwaukee Bucks owner Herb Kohl (until he retires next year). The Republicans have Sensenbrenner. Both have been in public office for as long as you have been cognizant of Congress (or close to it).

So, what did Representative James Sensenbrenner do to make news this week? Did he help broker the deal that finally got that payroll tax vacation passed? Did he make a courageous stand against the horrible SOPA Bill? Or did he live up to his Wisconsininess, and do something incredibly stupid and wrong-headed, and sit down with a bunch of citizens, and make rude comments about Michelle Obama's ass?

GUESS!  According to one of the people there, this happened:  "He implied that Michelle Obama being interested in childhood obesity was not serious, he sort of made fun of it and then he made fun of her. He said something like, look at her big butt.”

A couple of things here:

1. Thanks to Representative James Sensenbrenner, we can finally have the conversation we, as a nation, have always wanted to have--which First Lady would you most like to tag? To be fair, we'd probably have to exclude Dolley Madison, because we all know she was a tramp who would be down for all sorts of freaky shit, and would run away with the poll.

dead sexy.

2. Representative James Sensenbrenner has a bit of a case of Pot-Kettle Syndrome. If the Kettle were a pretty hot, late 40's black woman lawyer and wife of the President, and the Pot was just another fat white dude from Wisconsin.

"Hypocrisy? Is that something I can fry in bacon fat?"

Couple of thieves ass-dial 911, spill details of crime to the cops. WISCONSIN!

Assault in Janesville, WI after a woman discovers her McDonald's isn't serving dinner at 3 am. They made the mistake of starting their breakfast service.

Seen 1/11/11 in East Lansing, Michigan State hosting Wisconsin (who absolutely crumbled down the stretch).  Is that Luigi being portrayed by Wayne Rooney?

The AV Club has helpfully highlighted the pride of a man from Union Grove, WI.  His Snooki tattoo.  God damn you, Wisconsin.  Stop acting like shitheads for a day, please.

We've been documenting these for awhile, and a few have been pretty disturbing but I don't what to say about this one.


Star Tribune's Paul Walsh writes, "Two Wisconsin men, one of them a twice-convicted sex offender, have denied in court that they used a live snake to rape a woman in a home in Eau Claire."

emphasis fucking mine.

Awesome:


A 66-year-old man from the Town of Vermont is in custody after a tense 15-hour standoff between himself and Dane County deputies that allegedly began after he became enraged by Bristol Palin's performance on "Dancing with the Stars" and fired a shotgun at a television in the home.

from Channel 3000:


Two Amish brothers are facing a string of sexual assault charges, including committing incest and engaging in bestiality, on a Grant County farm.
The Grant County sheriff said it's one of the strangest and most disturbing cases he has seen.

From Anne Jurgen, LaCrosse Tribune:

A pregnant La Crosse woman on probation is accused of trying to rob a South Side restaurant for drug money late Tuesday only to fail when she could not pull her weapon — a hammer — from her shorts.

"I want a soft shell and this is a stickup. Give me all your money," the woman reportedly told the cashier.....[Julie] Bailey, who had a 0.21 blood-alcohol content when arrested, told police her roommate threatened to evict her if she didn't come up with money for crack cocaine. She tried to sell her engagement ring back to Kmart for $150

Good Times, Good Times!

From the AP:


STEVENS POINT, Wis. — An Amherst man accused of trying to steal dirty diapers from a home has been sentenced to 30 months of probation....


According to the complaint, when [the homeowner who had detained Dillon Makuski] asked whether he intended to steal dirty diapers, Makuski said "yes."

You expect some crime from people. Therefore, you expect some crime from former professional athletes.

You bastards!

Oh, Wisconsin:

Permit me to rearrange this story from Wisconsin to give it maximum Wisconsiness:

Consider the opening graf from this AP Story:

Sure, the talk this week has been all about another creepy, sick video, but the lads over at FSN have a response. The Twins media folks have been doing some promotion work at Wisconsin vacation getaway city, the Wisconsin Dells. It's been horrible timing for it, as the weather has been the coldest it has ever been in 100 years for July in the northern midwest.

An Oscar Mayer Wienermobile crashed into a home in Wisconsin. What more needs to be said? I think I used my best joke in the title anyway.

I exaggerate: