Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Return of the Queen

Ladies and gentlemen, I wrote in a past article my suspicion that Brenda Warner may have fantastic powers over the NFL. I think this season with the return of Kurt Warner to the NFC championship as a Cardinal is in part evidence to that, but other evidence is indeed mounting. Let us look as some teams that have wronged Kurt Warner in the past.

St. Louis Rams

This season the Rams were contending with the Lions for the worst team in the NFL. The Rams allowed 29.1 points per game (31st) and scored only 14.5 points per game (tied 30th) for an average margin of defeat at 14.5 (31st). Since dumping Kurt Warner in 2004, that's right dumping him - not even trading him - the Rams have gone 8-8 (lost in play-offs), 6-10, 8-8, 3-13, and this season 2-14. Kurt Warner is two time NFL MVP. Superbowl MVP. Third in career passer rating behind Steve Young and Payton Manning. Career completion percentage of 65.7% - second all time. Let's cut him, he had a bad season (Favre 3-13 - NOT CUT). Oh how the mighty have fallen under the curse of Brenda Warner. And now Warner returns to the NFC championship game with the city of St. Louis' former team, the Cardinals.

New England Patriots

So you may be thinking this one doesn't make much sense considering the Patriots recent success. But let us recall last season it became known that a certain coach was illegally taping the other team in order to steal thier calls. A report came out just before the last Superbowl that Belicheat also taped the Rams before Superbowl XXXVI. Uh-oh. Brenda angry. Patriots lose to the Giants, lose their perfect season, and then lose Tom Brady. Not bad enough? How about missing the play-offs with a 11-5 record.

The Detroit Lions

The Lions? But Kurt never played for the Lions? Guess what fellows - he tried to. In 2005 after being released from the Giants Warner's first choice was the Detroit Lions! I kid you not. What could be more insulting than being passed up by the Lions? Since that excellent decision by Matt Millen to take Garcia over Warner the Lions have gone 15-49. There is more (you probably forgot); Garcia broke his leg in the preseason. When he returned in late October he played 6 games, threw 6 INTs and only 3 TDs and had an abysmal career low season passer rating of 65.1 - that's even ugly for Garcia.

Green Bay Packers

Green Bay issued Kurt Warner his packing orders in 1994, and did proceed to win the Superbowl in 1997 (1996 season). Then, Kurt and Brenda were married October 1997. In the next Superbowl the packers, 11.5 point favorites, were stifled by the Denver Broncos and they haven't returned, but they have gotten oh so painfully close.

"I'm the franchise quarterback..."

Really Mr. Leinhart? Tread softly young man.... softly. You've already had a high number of injures.

Now I understand if you're still a bit skeptical that Brenda Warner has magic powers, but did you forget her day job as flying instructor at Hogwarts?

Without a doubt she is no muggle.

I hereby predict Warner will have another Superbowl ring - or the Eagles/Ravens/Steelers will have some bad, bad fortune in their future. And I hereby apologize for posting both images of Brenda Warner and Hobgoblin together. That was wrong of me. Please forgive, my life is hard enough without a curse lingering over me. Now I see you more like Saint Louis (above) - helper of the poor. After all, you've turned a bag boy into an NFL MVP.


Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening said...

I think it is good and important that "Madame Hooch" has become a tag.

Anonymous said...

The sooner the Christian couple are out of the playoffs, the better it is for all the Mormons, Jews, and Homosexuals in the league.

I'm posting anonymously so that God won't further punish me.

Muumuuman said...

Christianity is just their cover to fool the muggles - they clearly are magic folks.

Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening said...

Is Anonymous somehow Jewish, Mormon and homosexual?

That's a lot of sinning on one plate. Maybe just pick two?

Muumuuman said...

What's wrong with a polygamist, money grubbing queer? Carpe Diem!

Andrew Wice said...

Carpe Lingam.

Andrew Wice said...

What, too subtle?


Muumuuman said...

I think I should start a chain of department stores called "Philistines". Hey! Did you see what on sale at Philistines? Awesome!

Anonymous said...

I will never forget The Onion for posting that Kurt Warner was married to a "wire-haired man monkey." (A howler monkey, I think.)

Also posting anonymously so Brenda doesn't fly to my house and suck the breath out of the baby while he sleeps.

(Please note the length of her real nails, below, versus their length on the page to which you have linked with "Brenda and Hobgoblin together." She is TERRIFYING.)

Big Blue Monkey 2: The Quickening said...

I believe it was actually spiky haired Goblin.

Just checked--it was wire-haired man-goblin.