I Dislike Your Favorite Team

Perhaps the best way to begin the analysis of the worst teams in the NFL is by glancing at a trade between two of them. The Jets received mediocre RB Kevan Barlow. The 49ers received a Joe Namath bobblehead and a complete set of the Left Behind book series.

Barlow was upset with the trade, mainly because Nolan assured him he wouldn't be dealt. He told the newspaper Nolan was a "first-time head coach with too much power ... He walks around with a chip on his shoulder, like he's a dictator, like he's Hitler. People are scared of him. If it ain't Nolan's way, it's the highway ... [the trade] was dirty. He had no respect for me or the organization. He doesn't know about the 49ers way, and that's too bad because even his dad was coach of the 49ers. Bill Walsh set the standard there, and he ain't living up to it."

Don't worry, Barlow apologized: "I was kind of harsh on him, saying he's a dictator. That's bad. Saddam Hussein is a dictator. I was speaking on emotion."

A peak inside the numbers shows illustrate some difficulties for both teams. Barlow ran for 581 yards and only 3 TDs (tied for most on team), with a poor 3.3 yards-per-carry. The entire Jets team, however, only had 7 rushing TDs and were ranked 31st in rushing.

49ers
Mike Nolan? Sorry, the worst coaching acquisition in the NFL (narrowly beating out Rams D-Coordinator Jim "I Fold" Haslett) was 49ers O-Coordinator Nerf "Lifetime Winning % way below .500" Turner. Somehow this boner is still called a Genius, even though he's a proven suck-job. And perhaps, during his Genius years in Dallas, more than a pittance can be attributed to Aikman, Irvin, Smith and Satan (the owner). I suffered through long, terrible seasons with this guy as head coach of my team. He sucks. Enjoy those screen passes on third and sixteen, suckers.
Last year, QB Alex Smith fumbled 10 times and threw 11 INTs before his first and only TD. The 49ers are now relying on talented Frank "Delicate as a Haiku" Gore, who has had surgeries on both knees and both shoulders. Last year the 49ers were dead last in total offense and total defense. Expect that to continue. But will they be worse than the Jets?

Jets
Rebuilding with a brand-new first-time head coach. Pennington has never had a cannon and after two surgeries on his throwing arm he can't make the throws. Ramsey will likely emerge as the eventual starter. Bringing in RBs Suggs and Barlow isn't the same thing as having Curtis Martin in his prime. The O-Line is the most palsied bunch of sucks this side of the Texans line. Although you have to love the name "D'Brickashaw Ferguson." The defense will also be garbage. Gutted by free agency, the Jets will have trouble returning to their 2005 form (e.g. 29th in opponents' rushing yards per game). Luckily, they cut their best player (CB Ty Law led the NFL in interceptions) and will now ask 5'10" Andre Dyson to be the #1 CB. The Jets have a long road of rebuilding ahead, and fans shouldn't be too optimistic. People have to wonder about the Jets GM. Case in point? Now that the dust has settled, let's compare the receivers in the Coles-Moss trade. Remember, Coles wanted off the Redskins to go back to the Jets because he wasn't featured enough in the Redskins offense (despite having 80 catches). Without further ado...

Coles: 73-845 (11.6 yard avg) 5 TD, on a team that won 4 games and will be worse

Moss: 84-1483 (17.7 yard avg) 9 TD, on a team that came within two games of the
Superbowl

Texans
I'll keep this mercifully brief.
Expect to see CB Demarcus Faggins be abused deep. Homosexually, too.

I'm finally done with the really shitty teams. That was getting depressing. Shitty teams, I dislike you!