Let me tell you about the have-nots of the league, the boners, the scrubs, the losers. These teams will be bad: 49ers, Packers, Jets, Lions and the Houston Americans. However, no team is more fun to watch Sucking On It than the Oakland Raiders. Maybe it's because they've taken over for Dallas as the #1 team for fans that don't know anything about football. Maybe it's because they smell bad. Maybe it's because Marcus Allen raped me on national television during an unmentionable Superbowl. But I hate the Raiders and I am overjoyed that they, once again, SUCK.
Settle back dear reader. You either hate the Raiders too (intelligently, poetically, properly), or you are one of those pathetic "fans" who just want to be different ... by dressing up in the most popular merchandise the NFL has to offer. But Badcock, they'll say, isn't the popularity of the Raiders proof of their Excellence? All I can say in response is, you must have voted for Bush. Twice.
So, yes, the Oakland Rectum Raiders. Let's delve into their suckiness. Why will they be so bad this year? As always, a fish rots from its head down. Even when some Raider fan is making the fish his girlfriend.
The old lady in the tracksuit admitted she made a mistake by firing Art Shell (56-41) in 1994. Presumably, the six people who turned down the head coaching job before the Raiders "chose" the long-retired Shell were also mistakes. They're all potential mistakes when it comes to Oakland's ownership.
Art Shell's first act of genius will be turning Aaron "Don't Call Me Kordell" Brooks into a QB. If he can just nudge down those 17 INTs a little bit ... Brooks will still suck. And they have no backup QB whatsoever. Lamont Jordan does not have the endurance to be a workhorse RB. He averaged 54 yards over the last 8 games. The
O-Line is plagued by the four horsemen of injuries, fatness, laziness and suckiness. And pestilence. They gave up 45 sacks last year and have done nothing to improve the unit.
And as for the WR corps ... the long-standing pride and joy of the old lady in the track suit. Remember when he hired that guy with Down Syndrome (they're very strong) to chuck the ball downfield for some Olympic sprinter to drop? Happy days are here again. Shockingly, there's already Moss tumult after the first offensive possession of PRESEASON. Kiss Porter goodbye, leaving you with 37-catch Gabriel as the #2.
The combination of poor blocking, Aaron Brooks and undisciplined WRs should lead to a NFL-leading number of interceptions this season.
That's the offense, the strength of the team. Last year's Raiders D gave up the most points in the AFC. The D-line has no balls. The LBs were so bad last year that the Raiders began running an unpecendented 4-2-5 alignment. They have done absolutely nothing to improve the LB corps. The DBs are inexperienced and they lack playmakers. How many INTs did the Raiders have last year? Five. Ty Law and Deltha O'Neal each had ten last year. As a team, the Raiders produced FIVE. Needless to say, worst in the NFL.
Lastly, will someone just run over that bloated, date-raping fatass Janikowski? He made 20 of 30 FG last year. WORST IN THE NFL. Didn't they give this guy millions of dollars? I guess he spent it all on marzipan and GHB.
Finally, it does seem unfair that a 4-12 team should have to play one of the hardest schedules in the NFL. But to hell with it. I'm going to enjoy every minute. The Raiders suck.
1 comment:
You're a racist, anti-semite who deserves to die a lonely man who has never known love.
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