The NFL's quest for parity has actually yielded a rigid class structure. The vast majority of the league is the stinking, foul lumpenproletariat whose 2007 season was "solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short" (e.g. the Raiders), according to Thomas Hobbes, and not worth mentioning on this site ever again.The elite ruling class in both conferences (Pats & Colts, Cows & Pack) have been easily identified for most of the season by the blood on their whitewall tires and the undignified fawning by sportsjacks, "a new kind of parasite in the guise of company promoters, speculators and merely nominal directors" as Marx has it.
This leaves a thin managerial class, the division champs who are not a real threat to the elites who own the means of production. The bourgeoisie (Bucs & Seahawks, Steelers and Chargers) are only interested in maintaining the status quo but know better than to over-reach their station. As Marx considered it, "the battle of competition is fought by the cheapening of commodities."
But since I am a friend of the middle class, I'm going to start my analysis of the 2007 playoffs with the petit bourgeoisie: the wildcard hopefuls.
National Football Conference
1. New York Giants (9-4)
The Giants have survived erratic QB play and injuries to RBs on the strength of an excellent pass rush and a surprisingly disciplined offensive line. They've narrowly won their last two games.
Challenging Schedule: Washington, at Buffalo, New England (66% wins)
Prognosis: Almost Certain. Even if the Giants lose out, they will still have a good chance at making the playoffs.
2. Minnesota Vikings (7-6)
Minnesota's late-season surge may be an indication that Childress's one-dimensional approach is finally paying off. Or it may be an indication that their schedule is softer than a fuzzy Xmas sweater. Their four-game win streak only featured one team with a winning record ... but that was the Giants, giving the Vikings a potential tie-breaker.
Easy Schedule: Chicago, Washington, at Denver (44% wins)
Prognosis: Good Chance. Who knew that the Dec 23rd match between the Vikes and Skins would actually mean something for the playoffs?
3. Washington Redskins (6-7)
The Redskins are a middle-pack team and will finish out the season with their second-string QB. Nevertheless, they control their own destiny, like Time Bandits. They hold the tie-breaker over Detroit.
Hardest Schedule: at New York, at Minnesota, Dallas (78% wins)
Prognosis: Unlikely. They are physically and emotionally depleted; can Gibbs rally his grandchildren?
4. Arizona Cardinals (6-7)
This pathetic house of Cards is broken, bruised and unable to compete against sad-sack opponents. The only people who should be surprised are the wicked retahded sportsjacks who favor WRs over linemen. Draft another WR, bitches!
Pathetic Schedule: at New Orleans, Atlanta, St. Louis (28% wins)
Prognosis: Unlikely. Although they have a laughable schedule, they are out of weapons. And it's Arizona, for fuck's sake.
5. Detroit Lions (6-7)
Paper lions, indeed. While they were competitive in their loss to Dallas, they still lost their fifth game in a row. The only people who should be surprised are the wicked retahded sportsjacks who favor WRs over lineman. Draft another WR, bitches!
Road Warrior Schedule: at San Diego, Kansas Shitty, at Green Bay (59% wins)
Prognosis: Unlikely. They face two division winners on the road, and you know they can't play outside.
30 comments:
Yeah but the Skins could use some help at Saftey.
Damn, I spend hours of crunching numbers, analyzing trends and hunting down whacky graphics. And that's the most best J. Norwood could come up with?
Don't try now, my heart is already saddened.
How bout them Raiders, boner?
Andrew,
I waited to respond to this piece because I thought it would inspire a rapid volley of comments. It did but not here. I shared it with a couple of social scientists who thought it quite clever. Marx, Simmel, Durkheim, Weber -- the pleasure of mental masturbation.
Lucy, I think it would've inspired a rapid volley of comments, except for the fact that Andy chose to make a mean-spirited swipe at the Oakland Raiders. While it is generally true that the cynical crowd that frequents this site is used to crass invective, there are some things that should be above this sort of libelous vituperation.
Also, the true fault in Detroit Lions is not that they'd drafted a WR, but in the fact that they have a terrible offensive coordinator who is wedded to performing a highly stylized brand of offensive football far more than actually trying to win a fucking game. The Lions run an adult version of the abortion that was the 2006 Raider offense in that they predictably have their QB take 7 step drops and force their tackles to do the unpossible. Remember, Martz took over a championship offense from Dick Vermeil and also inherited one the top tackles in the history of football. There is no way that you can expect any #1 draft choice, no matter how high in the draft to ever become that good. Martz sucks, as do you Andy Wice. By the way, all that the Skins will have accomplished more than the Raiders this year is attaining a lower draft choice which they'll have to choose a Safety. Eat it. That, and potentially causing me to contract flesh-eating disease if I'm forced to sleep at BBM's apartment.
"While it is generally true that the cynical crowd that frequents this site is used to crass invective, there are some things that should be above this sort of libelous vituperation." Norwood, you do talk dirty. I thought you were the innocent one of the bunch.
If by innocent you mean that I don't generally insert two fingers in my butt while masturbating to fetish porn... then guilty as charged. I've never understood why my IDYFT brethren find that sort of thing so appealing.
No-Wood, I think you're belaboring my point when you characterized Martz as "performing a highly stylized brand of offensive football far more than actually trying to win a fucking game."
You seem to have a problem with the offensive strategy. I'm ripping them for their tactical ineptitude, i.e. picking a WR in the first round every year, to the neglect of their lopsided team.
When is J. Russell going to start playing for the Raiders? That should be some high comedy.
Why are you such a bitter man...? Oh yeah, I remember. Good times.
J. No-wood, if your soul was an animal it would be one of those oil-drenched dying seabirds from the Valez tanker spill.
Cool
Such weirdness between Wice and Norwood! You two men must share a tragic backstory.
Yeah, His Mom.
Whoa! I'll be here all week.
He's been jealous ever since I asked out the Ice Princess.
True, she shot me down. But he was jealous of my guts.
Also, one time playing Asshole I made him drink so much cold cheap beer that he puked.
That was awesome.
I thought cheap beer was like mothers' milk to you boys.
Its cute that you seem to have such a clear recollection of something that I don't to remember at all. Or maybe you're conflating it with a Skinamax movie you fell asleep to last night... either way, I tell you what, have another Mich Golden Draft Lite on me.
Aww, come on. Who am I kidding? Give me a hug, you big lug.
You don't remember puking after playing Asshole at 1690 Grand? I'm not surprised. I believe you were legally intoxicated.
If you don't remember me asking out the ice princess, what about the time I kissed the girl in the library?
Ah, glory days.
It's all been downhill since then.
Don't you know that you are a Superstar... don't you know.. ho ho ho... A shooting star.
The same cliches... is that a woman or a man.
The cats in the cradle, and the silverspoon...
dad, when you comin', son I don't when...
yeah, proofreadin wentfa out faf the windowe there
Andrew,
Though I doubt you have trouble meeting women, I do know someone who has an IDYFT crush on you. If you ever get to Seattle, I'd be happy to arrange an introduction. She is 20 and plans to study medicine. She's kind, smart and falls into the Ice category. She works for me, which is how she learned about this filthy site. She has a boyfriend and lives at home, but life is full of such complications.
L
Suddenly, I'm very shy.
A girl nearly 14 years your minor will do that to you. Even though we know that they are your preferred lunch time snack
Just think Mr. Wice, with any luck you call derail her life's goals and imbue her with a deep-seated cynicism that will dog every adult relationship from here on out.
Its a joke, a joke. This young damsel would be lucky to meet Andy. Hey, I'm sure we all know people in Seattle. Lets have a reunion. Maybe Yori can arrange for us all to catch Pike. Neato.
"You don't remember puking after playing Asshole at 1690 Grand? I'm not surprised. I believe you were legally intoxicated.
If you don't remember me asking out the ice princess, what about the time I kissed the girl in the library?
Ah, glory days.
It's all been downhill since then."
I actually don't remember one exact time I puked from drinking cheap beer at 1690... There are at least four occasions from which to choose, so you must forgive me. But I must say the I do remember the incident in the library. Kudos. Good thing our parents were shelling out so much cash for that school, cause that's the sort of thing that'll get you suspended for the first quarter of the big game at a state school. Ah, good times.
Too bad 9/11 had to go change everything.
She digs his photo. Simple crush. Relax boys.
Now Norwood, am I to understand that you know someone in Seattle who might let me throw fish at the Market? Next to spending the night at Elliott Bay Book Company, that would be the coolest.
We all do actually. He's a great guy too.
What about the time I cured those lepers?
Or helped the kids learn "Heads Shoulders Knees and Toes" in time for Grand Old Days?
I also put Deep Throat in contact with B. Woodward, which is impressive because I hadn't been born.
I suppose in a way I'm an American hero.
You are such a bunch of young pups. I was obsessed with Watergate when I was a girl. Admittedly, Robert Redford informed my "memories."
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