Saturday, September 08, 2007

Thank Any God You Want: NFL 2007 Season Week 1

I'm excited. Excited like a newborn baby Japanese monkey, exploring the world around me. The world, of course, is the new NFL season.

Before I dig into this week's all-you-can-eat buffet, I would like to talk a little smack. Not the smack of my previews, but the smack that not a single member of IDYFT has stuck up for their team. I've baited them with everything I could think of and they haven't responded with a single whimper of resistance. It's like kicking stuffed animals.

In my last post, I brought up the IDYFT Cup again -- the closest any of our teams will probably get to a trophy this year. And still, nothing. Nothing but the pathetic silence of sad mimes.

But look, just because you know the Redskins will be superior to any of your hysterically inadequate ballclubs doesn't mean you have to just sit back and accept it. I'll have more fun when you protest and then I'm proven right. This is like farting and blaming a deaf guy.

I told the IDYFT contributors to expect certain things from the 2007 season, to whit: Expect a Losing Record, Expect the End, Expect Another Ugly Season and Expect a Losing Record and Tragic Injury to Boobs Bollinger.

Once again, the main reason I dislike your favorite teams is because their fans are a bunch of candy-sucking quitters.

In other IDYFT news, here's what CB Fred Smoot (drafted by the Redskins, off to the Vikes where a stripper's orifice intercepted his sex toy, back to the Redskins) had to say about the transition of coming back to Redskins Park after spending time in the Twin Cities: "It’s like if you go to Yankees Stadium, if you’ve ever been to Yankee Stadium before, it’s the difference between going to Yankee Stadium or going to a Montreal Expos game. It’s just totally different. It’s two different places. It’s night and day. I wouldn’t want to play another game there."

And now, here's Things to Watch for in Week One
Falcons at Minnesota: Who are the Falcons? In this remake of Halloween, they rip off Michael's mask to reveal ... Joey Harrington(?) While the Vikings are concentrating on running and stopping the run, who will throw passes for them? Only watch this if you are passionate about either of these teams.

New England at Jets: Can Mangenius snatch the pebble from the master's hand? He (and the Jets) are hungrier. The Pats have a huge advantage in talent & experience. No team knows them better than the young, scrappy Jets. Potential to be a great game. Don't miss this 1 pm game.

Detroit at Oakland: A double-fudgefest with cheese? Which of these two cellar-dwellers will rise up singing, like algae floating atop pond scum? Could be a funny game to watch, with a lot of big plays called back on penalties.

Miami at Washington: It will probably take a few quarters for these teams to start moving the ball. There are few teams I would rather face in week one at home than the Dauphins (look it up if you have to). A gratifying experience, guaranteed, if you love your burgundy & gold. Hail to thee, and goodnight.


Muumuuman said...

If by gratifying experience you mean watching Portis and Cambell get seriously injured by the Miami defense, then I agree.

Muumuuman said...

If by gratifying experience you mean watching Portis and Cambell get seriously injured by the Miami defense, then I agree.

Andrew Wice said...

Well, both of your remarks are equally clever.

I would like to applaud you for even trying.

I guess this means that it's OK to shout: VIKINGS SUCK, PACKERS SUCK, RAIDERS SUCK IT ALL!

Miwacar said...

If all of our teams suck, then why is it that only the Raiders lost? I mean they should lose because they are terrible, terrible, yet for all of our other teams (Lions, Vikings, Skins, Packers) they all played quite well and won.

Muumuuman said...

I must have been channeling the wrong game, as I clearly confused the Giants with the Skins.

Andrew Wice said...

Miwacar, your logic is diabolically misdirected.

The Raiders lost to the Lions = the Raiders suck.

The Vikings beat the obviously sucktastic Falcons = the Falcons suck.

The Packers, at home, beat an overhyped Eagles team = the Eagles suck.

The Redskins, at home, barely beat the obviously suckstastic Dauphins = the Dauphins suck.

I don't think any of our teams played "quite well." We'll all know more about our teams and where on the scale of suckitude they reside once they 1) play a good team and b) they play against each other.

Miwacar said...

So Wice when exactly will our teams play "good teams"? Only when they play AFC leaders?

Let's see if I can track your logic here.
Given the Raiders suck, sorry Ms. Davis, and the Lions beat them, but do the Lions suck? I think yes, but we'll see this sunday.

The Packers beat an early favorite in the conference, but the Packers suck, so therefore the Eagles suck?

The Vikings dominated (defensively and special teams, which was very unlikely)a Falcons team w/o Vick, but do the Falcons suck? Their defense was pretty good.

The 'skins barely, barely beat the delfins, and of course the delfins suck, so I guess that means that the 'skins suck too.

Do I have that right? Now that I have written it all out I see that it makes a tad more wait...the whole point I was trying to make is that nearly all of our "sucky" teams actually won in the same week, therefore are they really that bad? No I say, except for the Raiders and the 'Skins.

Andrew Wice said...

I poopoo in your yoohoo.

A team that beats a sucky team is less sucky by an indefinable yet nevertheless measurable degree.

Therefore, empirically, we can say that of the IDYFT teams, it seems that the Raiders suck the most. However, this is only the first week.