Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Old Lady's NFC Picks Bitches

I'm back fellas with my NFC Picks


I think being Philly-born and raised on the tough streets of the Main Line entitles me to say, “Eagles soar baby!” My hometown crew, Philly through and through, is going to win the East in a four-team dogfight. They’ll suffer through some tough losses but will prevail (10-6). Now, I have many friends and family from the DC area and I say it is high time to get off your lazy, racist asses and lobby for a new team name. Big Blue has done some lobbying, but the most offensive name in all of sports needs to be changed and fast. Look out Clinton, don’t tackle that parking meter, oh…I think he dislocated his shoulder again (9-7 they have a very difficult schedule).

NY is my home away from home away from home, and I can’t get enough of Tiki, but this year’s East is truly a beast (9-7). America’s Team can shove the T.O. right up the Tuna’s overweight, overrated ass (7-9).


So, the Seahawks went to the Superbowl, right? Just kidding. They will win the division. (12-4. BTW I thought there were only two Barber boys, but it seems Shaun was misplaced at birth: they’re triplets!).
The Cardinals drafted pretty boy slut and surprise dad-to-be Matt Leinart, got Gangstar Edge and have the new Pink Taco stadium, so they should improve despite the continual presence of the Devil’s Wife (8-8). The Rams’ uniforms were better back in the day, but they are a better team than the 49ers, so they will finish third (7-9). San Fran has a cutie QB (now back up)--who I’ve met but refuse to name drop--but a terrible team, not to mention bad uniforms (4-12).


This is another very difficult division, with its fair share of horrible color schemes and graphics, so I am not sure how it is going to end up. Let’s see…I guess the Panthers have the best defense and receiver so they’ll win it (11-5). The Pewter Pirates and the Falcons have similar skill levels, but the Falcons uni’s are better and they have Vick so they’ll finish second (10-6) and the Bucs will end up third (9-7). New Orleans is my other home away from home away from home, and the city could use an uplifting season, however it’s not going to happen this year. The Breeze and the Bush and some home games will make them a better team than last year, but they will finish last in the division (7-9).


The Black and Blue is looking more beaten than bruised. The Chicago Bears have the best uniforms in the league (along with Oakland and Pittsburgh), and it just so happens that they also currently have the best team in the division (10-6). My guy’s team is the Vikings and they might be good this year but who knows with all of their Bonnie and Clyde shenanigans. Really, it is hard to say what they’ll do. Ok, they have a very difficult first half schedule, but it slackens a little down the stretch (10-6). That leaves us with the Red Headed Stepchildren of the league. The Lions are not quite the Packers, so they’ll nip the Pack in the standings (6-10). Which leaves me with Brett, oh Brett, why are you back? Did you want to stay away from that crazy family of yours for as long as possible, even though it totally stunts the growth of the team? Cheese Eaters (5-11).

Wow, that was a lot of work. I am going to go lie down and have my cabana boy, Miwacar, fan me with a palm frond and hand-feed me grapes. See you nerds later.


Muumuuman said...

I have no idea how the stereotype that women are bad at math gets perpetuated. The NFC had a combined record of 134-122, and the AFC 145-111 for a total of 279 wins and 233 losses. If it’s not your math skills, perhaps as a girl you believe that both teams can leave the game winners! Yay!

Badcock said...

Damn, Muumuuman beat me to the punch. I'm glad I checked the comments before I laboriously counted up the W-L. It did seem like a rather "up with people" set of predictions.

I am highly offended by the reference to a Pink Taco Stadium. That was my girlfriend's nickname in high school and it is a painful memory.

Also, "the most offensive name in all of sports" implies that you don't think that the Proud Native Peoples of this Land deserve to be honored in any way whatsoever. You just want the Proud Native Peoples of this Land to disappear, don't you? What's the matter white girl, too much guilt?

Anonymous said...

I think the point is you two nerds have too much time on your hands and not enough pink taco. The math is inconsequential, its the spirit of the matter. A roaring sister need not stop to ponder numbers.

Badcock(?) your final paragraph makes no sense whatsoever. To say that the Redskins are honoring anybody is delusional, adding to my understanding that you should have kept ole' Pink Taco around.

Muumuuman said...

I'm a nerd who doesn't get laid because I mastered addition. In a football game, it's the very same inconsequential addition of points that determines the winner. For example: a touchdown is worth 6 points. If one team, say the Race Baiters, scores two touchdowns that would equal 12 points. 6 + 6 is 12. If the other team, say the Cowboys, scored three touchdowns the score would be 6+6+6 which is 18. The team with 18, which is more than 12, would be the winner. Think your about to "Kit Caw" and reply that a touchdown is 7 points? Remember, one team has Shankerjagt and the other John Hall so no PATs (Point after touchdown) were converted. That said, I'm gonna get me some pink taco. Cheers!

Badcock said...

Don't worry, I kept the Pink Taco around. Ever see that episode of "The Honeymooners" where Ralph was keeping some woman's genitalia in a hat box? It's like that.

I am also dismayed that, in 2006, someone is still so prejudiced that they can't accept that Native Americans are an irreplaceable aspect of our history and culture. That you would like to sweep these Proud Peoples into the dustbin of history is a reminder that we have so far to go as human beings.