Thursday, September 21, 2006

Commenter's Legion of Doom Nominee: Tonya Harding

Nominator: cheesehead

Blogger Review of Nomination: Garwood B. Jones

Okay, okay... they can't all be Lex Luthor. But I haven't seen any ladies nominated so far and there were two ladies in the legion. While there may have been a time that her leopard print leotards and figure skating grace may have garnered her comparisons to Cheetah, her recent career as a professional boxer (see photo) suggest that she may be the Giganta of this group.

Her crimes? Many.

1. A month before the 1994 XVII Olympic Winter Games were celebrated in 1994 in Lillehammer, Norway, Tonya Harding's ex-husband, Jeff Gillooly hired Shane Stant to club fellow female figure skater Nancy Kerrigan in the knee. This forced us to feel sympathy for the horse-faced Kerrigan who went on to win the silver medal and host one of the worst ever episodes of SNL (that's saying something).

2. Approaching a camera with a handful of quivering Gillooly. If you haven't seen the video, I have the stills in an old issue of Penthouse somewhere. Ish.

3. In 2000 she assaulted her boyfriend with a hubcap. (Okay, that one is pretty cool.)

4. And this is the absolutely most important one on the list. At her website, there is a fantasy fan-fiction page where people can submit stories about Tonya Harding. There's also a picture of her circa 1999 peeking around a tree. Seriously, here's an exerpt:

“Where’s your fucking car‚ I yelled‚ pulling at her blouse which ripped in my hand‚ exposing a couple bouncing breasts. She wore no bra. I recognized those tits from a video I had seen. Tonya Harding for Christ sakes! Honest. Hard to believe but under the circumstances, why would I lie?

“Over here”‚ Tonya said‚ grabbing my hand and guiding me to her truck which was parked nearby. She squeezed my hand, suddenly excited. Hmm. What the hell?

We jumped in, Tonya driving and together we tore through town, passed Carl's Gas Station, then down a long country road with tons of money, Tonya's tits bouncing‚ and the sound of a siren wailing somewhere in the distance. We took a corner hard and a hubcap spun loose, disappeared off into a ditch on my right. I’d had a lot of breaks in my life, none good. And now I had resorted to bank robbery. What a life. Maybe not perfect but then again‚ Tonya had joined me, good or bad. Perhaps my luck would change...

Did you write that one muumuuman?


Garwood B. Jones said...

Page 55: Subject? Tonya's large, white, muscular steamy ASShole....

This is the greatest thing I've ever found.

Badcock said...

There are 1529 Tanya Harding fantasies. That's inspiring.

I'm glad you raised my attention to this particular story. We have a case of possible copyright infringement here. For you see, Tonya Was the Dirty Little Pig Fuck I Always Dreamed About and NOW She was Using Me as an Enema Bag and other anecdotes is the title of my newest book. I'll sue "Big Steamer" for everything he's got.
That's probably just a couple cum-stained Raiders flags.

Muumuuman said...

I didn't write any of those. Honest. Not me. No way. My fan fiction only involves the crazy adventures Garwood, Badcock, and Big Blue as they whirl through space in a galactic cruiser they stole from Tanya Harding. Will Tanya catch them as they pit stop on Rygel 4 for some nookie with Kang and Kodos? Only my loyal, insane readers will find out.

Garwood B. Jones said...

Badcock, I absolutely cannot wait for the advance copy. Please send me the galley proof when it comes out. I have no doubt that will make you our generation's Dave Eggers.

Wait, Dave Eggers is our generations Dave Eggers and he kind of sucks...