Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Tall Draft o' Bitter: 2007 Mock Draft Analysis

Ah, the Mock Draft: the NFL season is only four months away.

This esteemed collection of potential boners (oh, or perhaps wise sages) are competing for the right to sleep in God's very own bed for one night (some restrictions apply).

Robert Davis of Footballs Future (not sure where they want the apostrophe), NFL Network Analysts Charles Davis and Jamie Dukes at (never heard of them), and Mel Kiper, Jr. Well it was going to be him, but he is such a lofty genius that you have to give ESPN money to subscribe to "Insider."

Hey, up inside your ass with a bundle of sticks, ESPN! Instead, it'll be James Alder of

1) Oakland Raiders: RD, CD and JD all predict Jamarcus Russell, QB LSU. Only JA expects Calvin Johnson, WR Georgia Tech, arguing that the Raiders rarely pick a 1st round QB. I'm not convinced by him.

2) Detroit Lions: RD is alone with Gaines Adams, DE, Clemson. CD is alone with Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma. JD is alone with Joe Thomas, T, Wisconsin. JA is alone with JaMarcus Russell. I think everyone is stupid. If you've watched Detroit draft, you know they're committed to drafting WRs. It would be hilarious if they added WR Johnson to their stable. Detroit has a herd of thoroughbreds but don't know how to open the barn door.

3) Cleveland Browns: RD,CD, JD & JA are unanimous in expecting vastly overrated Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame to get broken in Cleveland. Cleveland has a bad enough front office to follow this boner-pulling advice. Hey Brady, try not to fumble too much next year, ok? Good luck with that.

4) Tampa Bay Buccaneers: RD, CD & JD like Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech here. 1st round WRs rarely live up to the hype, folks. JA thinks the Bucs will add youth to their D line with Gaines Adams, DE Clemson.

5) Arizona Cardinals: RD, CD & JA like Joe Thomas, OT, Wisconsin. JD thinks Gaines Adams, DE, Clemson. The Cardinals, like the Lions, blow loads of draft picks and $$ on talent at WR. The best O-lineman in the nation is the smart pick, which means the Cardinals won't do it.

6) The Three-Time World Champion Washington Redskins:
Everyone believes that Washington will take a defensive lineman. But who? Based on position, DT would be my top pick for someone to work with Cornelius Griffin (best Redskins D-lineman). However, the DE position is good only on paper, with injury-prone getting-older ends. They've lacked a pass rush from this position for years. Based on best-player-available ...

RD and JA both believe that freakish 19 year old Nigerian-born college graduate Amobi Okoye, DT, Louisville is a huge stud who achieves great penetration and blasts ball-carriers in the face with a full load. Okoye ("The Nigerian Knuckle") says (probably with a cute accent): "Sometimes I've gotten beat physically going against people, but I get up and say, 'I'll keep going until you win'."

CD rates pass-rushing Gaines Adams at DE a better likelihood.

JD gives the nod to Alan Branch, DT, Michigan but hedges: "Would not be surprised if Skins: a) Traded down; b) drafted Amobi Okoye; c) drafted Jamaal Anderson."

I don't know what the hell he's talking about but it sounds good to me, like a nectarine on a nipple.

In any event, I think the Redskins will take Okoye AND he will prove to be the best lineman in the draft, Def Rookie of the Year. And the Washington Redskins win the Superbowl in the 2007 season: you read it here first.

Back to shitty teams. Up next on the dais, 7) Minnesota Vikings: RD and JD think Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma is too good to pass up. CD and JA like Jamaal Anderson, DE, Arkansas. The Vikings definitely like blowing loads of draft picks on DEs, but ought to take the RB.

8) Atlanta Falcons : RD and CD think it'll be LaRon Landry, S, LSU. JD likes Jamaal Anderson. JA goes for Adrian Peterson. Another RB, really? The Falcons have a lot of picks and must get quality WRs. It's rare that I advocate this, so you ought to be writing it down.

9) Miami Dolphins: RD and JD think the Dolphins will be smart and grab Levi Brown, OT, Penn St. CD and JA and ME think the Dolphins will once again pick another D recruit while ignoring how truly shitty their offense is. CD thinks Okoye, JA thinks DT Alan Branch.

10) Houston Texans: RD likes explosive would've-been-Nat'l Champ MVP-but-was-injured Ted Ginn, WR, Ohio St. CD and JD thinks the Texans will be smart and grab OT Levi Brown. JA thinks they'll address their D-backfield with S LaRon Landry. I could fucking care less what the Houston Armericans do. This team is a pile of shitbuckets, but O-line is definitely their most glaringly-rusted shitbucket.

Badcock, You Done Say What?

Much, much more relevant than mock turtle drafts: Football Outsider reviews the draft six years after the fact. How did your team do in the 2001 draft?.

Redskins fans ought to relive the December, 2005 blowout (sweep!) of the Dallas Cowboys which secured a playoff spot two seasons ago. When everything was awsome and grand, and the joys ran like honey from tiny oysters. Dig it, true believers.


Miwacar said...

Funny how we all know that the draft order is based on the records from the previous season, yet somehow the
Redskins, who if I am to believe Badcock, draft at number 6 even though they are better than all the teams that follow them.

I think it is part of worldwide Daniel Sneider conspiracy!

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

remember that time the vikings missed their pick? that really was pretty funny. probably not for some of you guys (vikes fans, no?). but still, if that shit happens again, well, it'd make me laugh. which isn't hard.