Seriously though, don't call it a comeback. I've been wearing a Kangol and appearing on terrible WB sitcoms for years. And with the NCAA tournament safely out of the way, I can now remove my tail from between my legs and offer some trenchant analysis on those titular subjects where I am not demonstrably stupider than 90% of Yahoo users. For those of you who finished lower than me with your brackets, 'titular' refers to the title of this post but it's cool if you giggle a little because it's totally dirty sounding, dude.
The Masters, opening week of the baseball season + my HR Derby entries with Barnyard and Dr. Norwood, and the NHL playoffs are all topics on which I plan to weigh in with 20% reasonable analysis and 80% insufferable navel-gazing over the coming days. To tide you over however, I want to share this snappy article from the men's lifestyle section of MSN. It's got all kinds of great advice about how to be funny and what it means to be a man. Consider if you will, this fractured take on modern life:
"The secret to a successful salvo is surprise. For instance, you're out to dinner at a fine restaurant with your buddies, enjoying a civilized chat about the markets. Your friend Bob politely asks you, "Hey, could you pass the salt?" You respond, "Sure, jackass." That's a guaranteed laugh."
A guaranteed laugh no kidding; I'm chortling right now!
In the spirit of the article, specifically the part that says that making fun of your friends is cool, let me tell all of you that Big Blue Monkey was once accused of having poor personal hygeine, Barnyard has been referred to as 'geriatric' in the sack, MuuMuuMan was once mistaken for the cousin of a hulking mentally retarded Hardee's employee, Miwicar licked a tire for $20, and Jerious Norwood (the commentator, not the running back) is uncircumcised. The real shame is that I've got nothing on Badcock. He's a sweet, pleasant young man who has never said an unkind word to anyone and who reads to orphans in his spare time. I want to pay him the ultimate compliment by making fun of him but with the exception of his mildly amusing hobbies (submitting humorous essays to Readers Digest and buiding ships inside of bottles), I've got nothing. Can any of you slack-jawed idiots help me out? Hee-hee. Slack-jawed idiots... that's fucking priceless.