Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Legion of Doom Completed #4 to Number 1!

Lower ranking Legion of Doom Members available here:

#4 Mark Downs, Jr. (6)--Bizarro Superman.
Mark Downs, Jr is the coach who has been convicted as of this writing (he's seeking a new trial) for offering one of his 9 year old players $25 to bean a teammate during batting practice, because the other child was autistic, and thus a liability for the actual game. The Little League game. There's only one place where this sort of behavior would be acceptable. Bizarro Little League, where one issues four balls to get a batter in, and homeruns are things to be avoided at all costs. Perhaps Mark Downs is the Bizarro Mark Downs, trapped on our planet, where every single one of his impulses, while they appear to be the correct thing to him, strike normal humans as abhorrent. In his head, he may be thinking, "Why no one proud of Mark Downs? Me did right thing! Me coach--me always bean autistic players."

#3 Arkan (7)--Lex Luthor. Both Arkan and Lex Luthor were content in their lives of being somewhat questionable figures until events conspired to drive them to evil. Luthor was an amoral scientist who lost his hair in a lab accident he blamed on Superman. Supervillian is born. Arkan was a petty criminal and Redstar Belgrade fan until history conspired to make his country blow up. He jumped at that opportunity and became an ethnic cleanser. Which sounds like hair care products aimed at the African-American community. "Ethnic Cleanser" is far too gentle of a term. Arkan became a mass murderer, and yet was never brought to justice for his crimes, despite living a pretty public life. Just like Lex Luthor. Of course, The Legion of Doom Lex Luthor was constrained by Saturday Morning TV standards. Arkan (and Grant Morrison's Lex) felt no constraints, and killed pretty much with impunity. Lex and Arkan both brought together a motley crew (so hard not to spell that "crue") to engage in real bad crimes. You know, the kind that prosecuters call "against humanity" and stuff.

#2 Manfred Ewald (8.5)--Braniac.
One was a souless automaton that valued science above everything else, including human life. The other one was Braniac! Ha, ha! That's a joke for my nerd homies. Braniac was a living computer, dedicated to collecting knowledge no matter what the cost. Ewald was dedicated to serving whoever suited him (Nazis, Commies) and winning Olympics, even if it meant lying to pre-teenage East German girls about their "vitamins." You look in his eyes (or gelantinous optic spheres, as he probably would have called them) and tell me that if you gave that motherfucker a shrinking ray, he wouldn't use it to shrink all the cities of the world and keep them in bottles, just so he could observe human behavior on a massively tiny scale. Braniac had an excuse for his inhumanity. He wasn't human. Ewald's excuse? I can't imagine one good enough. Truly, truly villianous.

And, finally, the #1 Legion of Doom Member--he enjoyed wide support of the IDLYFT community, with 5 of 7 members voting for him. Are you tingly with excitement? Here we go!

#1 Don King(9)--The Riddler
In all honesty, Don King is the kind of villian that the Legion of Doom wouldn't want to have. He's more like The Joker. Too sociopathic to be trusted, even in a room full of villians. Has any one man done more to ruin a sport than King? Stomping a guy to death?--that's pure Joker, pure King. Laughing for no good fucking reason? Pure Joker, Pure King. Campaigning for GW Bush in 2004? Well, even the Joker wouldn't do that, but Don King would (and did, and that made for one of Colbert's greatest interviews ever--see below). But the Joker, quite rightly, isn't part of the Legion of Doom. The Legion wanted some crazy Batman villian, and they chose the Riddler, the somewhat safer version of the Joker, or the Don King, for that matter. Whether talking about Don King, or the Riddler, you better have an ability to follow convoluted points that seemingly go nowhere, and you will have to persevere to find meaning. You better be able to put up with loud, boisterous laughter at seemingly random moments. Oh, and Don King might stomp on your head if it means he gets money.

And that, Ladies and Gents, is your Legion of Doom!


Critical Sports Blog said...

All of those fit.

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

good call with mark jones,jr at no. 4. i thought he'd slip a bit b/c of his anonymity, but not the case.

nicely done, fellas. great list!

Badcock said...

Good job Big Blue.

Your mother and I are both glad that you survived that attempted abortion. Forgive me?

Anonymous said...

How could you forget Juan Antonio Samaranch?

The one time lackey of Spanish dictator General Franco spent years as president of the International Olympic Committee. He worked tirelessly to make sure it's the deeply corrupt organization we know and love.