Monday, October 16, 2006

Feline-American Slandered by Pro-Canine Media

UPI (Wisconsin)

A spokesman for the Felis Domesticus Anti-Defamation League launched a campaign to counter what he sees as a vicious example of speciesism.

"It's typical, very typical. Everyone blames the cat for the fire, before anyone has seen any evidence. Everyone says the dog is a hero. And that just isn't an accurate reflection of what we think happened."

The case of Jamie Hanson being saved from a fire has brought in thousands of dollars in donations to guide dog organizations. The FDADL contends this is an outrage.

"This is an outrage," the spokesman continued. "People are being duped. Something is rotten in the state of Wisconsin."

The simple people of Rhine Wisconsin with their 150-inch circumference thighs were the willing perpatrators of a moral genocide, implied the spokesman (hyperbole is mine -- ed.).

"This cat was a victim of abuse in that house, starting with his name. 'Tinkles.' Neutered or not, the FDADL maintains that this is not an appropriate name for a male cat. And the candle which was knocked over ... there are no witnesses to that. Perhaps the dog was looking at getting a little something extra out of life, the sort of something extra that comes from fame? That's right. I'm talking about crack cocaine. Remember, if the candle don't fit, you must acquit."

When asked to explain what he meant, the spokesman said cryptically, "Ask Jamie Hanson where she fit in the candle. But I bet she won't tell you. 'She' has a man's name."

The spokesman then brandished a wicked sweet handmade sign which read: "Peanut for Nickname o' Fame," apparently in reference to Bears CB Charles "Peanut" Tillman (5-3, 139) who sparked the Chicago comeback over yawn the Cardinals on ESPNMNF.

Charles Tillman - Chicago Bears


Anonymous said...

Yeah, that game sucked. What a snoozer.

Anyways. You know what's exciting? Something no one has thought of. You are gonna love this... Nickname Hall O' Fame. You love it? You love it! I mean, I don't know where I come up with this stuff. It just came to me. The nickname, "Peanut" is just to great! I can't let it go. Cracks me up everytime!

Badcock said...

You should stuff your mouth with cherries. I mean cherry bombs. I believe I've already made my point: if some slag at has already compiled his crappy list, big fucking whoop.

We can do it better. Yeah great, "Snake" Stabler?

I'm talking about a Nickname o' Fame specifically for folks that aren't going to sniff the Hall.

What about Craig "Ironhead" Heyward?
What about "Jumpy" Geathers?
What about Steve "The Cancer" Beurlein?
What about Jeff "Fucking" George?

You're not even recognizing the love I'm offering #35 of your team. Which I dislike, by the way.

I bet Jerious Norwood finds your sarcasm to be ironic.

Anonymous said...

Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington.

Muumuuman said...

Jeff "The Hoss" Hostetler
Marc "chewy" Chmura
or better
Mark "I wouldn't meet Clinton publicly because of the Lewinski Scandal but I'll put it in 17 year old girls ar prom" Chmura
Steve "Likes 'em" Young

Garwood B. Jones said...

Roy "Does your wife call you" Smalley