When the reporters are already using the word "disappointment" to describe My Favorite Team, I want to rise to the defense. Statistics, clever metaphors and the relentless racionation of my rugged, wild renegade genius. But I can't, because my team is taking poundings. My team is losing in the O & D trenches. My team is getting beaten in every phase of the game.
What am I supposed to do? I'm completely loyal and would never dishonor myself by slipping away ("What, I was born in Chicago"). But it's been 15 years. Dan "the" Schneider has blown millions on doucheberries like Neon Pee-on, Bruce Smith, Jeff Fucking George. All the hype -- and I contributed a lot of it myself -- has led to the biggest deflation in the Nation's Capitol since Rep. Mark Foley (R-FL) gangraped Michael Jackson's hot air balloon.
And once again I sit with my headache hangover, watch my favorite team puke blood out of their vaginas. Sort of like a cross between a queef and a gleeck, but with clotted blood. But I digress: we got our asses kicked by an 0-5 team with a rookie quarterback. We got beat in every phase of the game.
This is not how to play football: The top three tacklers on my favorite team were both safeties and a cornerback. My star RB only got 14 carries, my QB is so old he farts dust. I am fucking sick of this shit! I demand satisfaction!
If you call another screen pass on 3rd and 15 I will commit seppuku with a baseball bat.
This is just bullshit.
7 comments:
Speaking as a Raider fan.... Boo fuckin' hoo. At least the reason my team is so bad is that they literally don't give a fuck, are coached by anachronistic incompetance, have an offensive line that is as bad as there's ever been, and an owner whose a stubborn prick who doesn't believe in disipline. The Raaiiiideeeerssss. Can you say 11 game winning streak?
A friend of mine believes that when you move to an area, you switch teams. He's been very consistent about it, from Chicago, NYC and now Minnesota.
Aren't you close to Arizona Badcock? Adopt them. They still have a game this week they might win.
Phil, the only thing lower than a person like that is a gay republican.
I didn't know Badcock was a republican.
I hope the Redskins spend $70 million in pro-rated salary bonuses that accelerate against our cap and give up three first round picks for Joey "Knuckles" Porter. He makes WR Randy Moss look like a professional.
By the way, I was a page in the U.S. Senate in 1991. Many people want to know if I was ever sexually harrasssed, molested or abused. Even more so, when they find out I was a page.
Many people don't know that "page" is actually an acronym. It stands for Penis, Asshole, Golden Enema. And so it goes...
Phil, Badcock isn't a Republican but he's got the intellectual integrity and selfloathing loathing nature of one. Ironically.
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