Thursday, October 26, 2006

I Dislike Your Fantasy Football Team

Football is the most popular sport in the USA. Fantasy football is one of the most popular pastimes for idiots in this country. Evidence? "Fantasy Football" yielded 53,500,000 results from a search engine. "Lesbian Retard Fantasy" only yielded 130,000 hits. While this is clearly a quality-over-quantity issue, it illustrates a desperate point: people are all up about fantasy football. You douchebags are ruining the world's greatest sport. The last thing the sport needs is the further promotion of selfish players. T.O. may have had a 20+ yard average in ESPNMNF, but he boofed a 4th down reception from beat-down QB Romo and the rout was on. That dropped pass could destroy the Cowboy's season. And he grinned like a porch jockey on the sideline after that. Fantasy football wilfully ignores the essence of the game: team. Teamwork is the great lesson of football. Fantasy football is the abnegation of "team."

Fantasy football is for people who don't understand or love the game. It is for every one of those loudmouthed idiots who go to a Superbowl party and criticize the playcalling ("They should blitz more!"). Fantasy football is, simply, for the 'tards.

Football is a team sport It is the greatest team sport because, every play, your 11 guys have to execute the playcall in perfect synchronicity, while 11 other guys are doing everything to prevent you. If any one of the 11 isn't in synch, you are probably watching an NFC North matchup.

Isolating the skill positions is an absolute crap way of looking at football. And it sucks to sit next to someone who isn't watching the game between two teams, he just wants to make sure that Reggie Bush, not Deuce Mac, gets the TD.

It's just another victory for selfishness. Corrupting the greatest team sport in the world should be laughed off like a toiletful of someon else's tapeworms. Instead, it has insidiously penetrated football coverage.

For example, last week Joey Herringboner was the fantasy player of the week (according to the TV) because of his 300+ yards and 2 TDs ... despite his 3 INTS in pathetic losing effort to Green Bay at home.

Defense, special teams? Don't need them, apparently. This shit is for people who don't understand football. Some of us like our football in the mud, a 7-10 OT spectacular with spleen-crushing hits and raw willpower determining the line of scrimmage. Fantasy footballers want 70-70 games with their opposing draftees scoring all the TDs.

Football is absolutely won in the trenches, a fact entirely ignored by fantasy football. An O-line is more valuable than any RB. An O-line is more valuable than any WR. An O-line is more valuable than any QB.

Defense and special teams are more important than offense. Everything is more important than fantasy football.

If you can't find enough interest in the NFL to enjoy the games for their own sake, I suggest you drop the charade and watch celebrity poker.

See below:

CHARLESTON, W.Va. (AP) — A man accused of fondling home health care nurses while posing as a mentally retarded person who needed diapers changed has been sentenced to a year on home confinement.

William Mucklow, 40, of Charleston was sentenced Tuesday by Kanawha County Magistrate Warren McGinnis after pleading guilty to two counts of battery, a magistrate clerk said. Two fraud charges were dismissed.

Mucklow was also ordered to pay court costs and to pay one victim more than $400 in restitution.

Mucklow, posing as his mother, responded to ads for home health care workers and hired two nurses, telling them a man with the mind of a 2- or 3-year-old needed care, according to criminal complaints filed in Kanawha County Magistrate Court in 2004.

Police said Mucklow then posed as a mentally retarded person.

The nurses, who worked separately in February and March of 2004, said Mucklow grabbed their breasts while they cared for him.

Mucklow's greatest achievement before this scheme was to win his fantasy football pool two years running.

HARTFORD, Conn. (AP) — Three teenagers beat and kicked a 300-pound mentally retarded man to death in the lobby of his apartment building, authorities said.

Ricky Whistnant, 39, died at the scene Saturday. He fell and hit his head on a radiator after the teens pelted him with bottles of soda he had just bought, authorities who viewed a security video of the attack said. Even after Whistnant collapsed, police said, the boys continued kicking and pouring soda on him.

The three fled after tenants called 911 but were arrested several hours later.

“I’m so upset. I’m in such grief. I adored him,” Jean Bowen, executive director of the Western Connecticut Association for Human Rights, said Monday.

The teens were charged with assault on a mentally retarded person but could face more serious charges depending on the outcome of an autopsy.

Two of the boys, Jermaine Lee and Joseph Bonner, both 14, will be tried as adults as allowed by state law for youths 14 or older accused of serious crimes. The 13-year-old will be treated as a juvenile.

Whistnant’s neighbors and workers in the apartment building said they don’t know why Whistnant was attacked.

He was known as “Batman” because he occasionally stood outside wearing a homemade costume and told neighbors he was guarding against crime, building superintendent Oscar Negron said. It was an homage to his #1 fantasy football draft pick, RB Ahman Green.

“Kids would tease him — it was mean, not fun — but he never provoked anyone, he never caused trouble,” Negron said. “He was afraid of people. There wasn’t any reason to do this to him.”

Whistnant had moved recently to Hartford from an apartment in Manchester. Before that, he had lived in an institution for mentally retarded people where he was the reigning 3-time Connecticut champion in fantasy football.


Anonymous said...

I invite you to join my Fantasy Football league next year.

To make it easier, you don't have to worry about rooting against Washington players. Noone drafts any Washington players.

Badcock said...

Who's "Noone?"

Sounds like Noone knows how to get it done. Fantasy-style.

As for me, I'll be living in dying with my underachieving team ad veritas.

Muumuuman said...

I believe it's called "FANTASY" football, because it's a fantasy, and not real football. Feel free to start your own "New Fantasy" football where Larry Allen is a first round draft pick, and everytime Gore slams into the A-hole you get points.

Anonymous said...

3 Points:
1.) Hilarious
2.) Fantasy football does account for offensive line indirectly. Decent ff players take line into consideration when drafting other offensive players (why a lot of people passed on Larry Johnson & Shaun Alexander).
3.) Every league I've been in accounts for special teams and defense. I've been riding Robbie Gould and Baltimore's d all year

Anonymous said...

Robbie Gould!!

Go Bears!

Badcock said...

"Accounting" for special teams and defense seems pretty weak. As a team sport, each phase of the game flows into the other. ST sets up both the O & D, O sets up ST & D, D sets up ST & O, on and on.

Pulling them apart is absurd. It's like making a meal out of one meatball, one won ton and one tortilla.

That's crazy talk.

Despite losing S. Hutchinson, the Seahawks still have one of the best O-lines in the league. They are having some other problems, including the losing-the-Superbowl-hangover.

Anonymous said...

Thinking about this, don't GM's, owners, agents and scouts do this all the time.

During offseason free agency, a team can't go out and sign another team. So they pull it apart for the pieces they need. Hutchinson goes to Minn., not the whole Sea. O-line. Randle-El goes to Wash., not the whole Pitt. offense. Even though neither of these players was souly responsible for their teams SB appearance.

The book, 'Money Ball' describes an alternative route to building a team that runs counter to most of the way MLB teams build a team. The idea being that most teams over-value certain stats for individual players. That those stats, RBI's, have less to do with wins than walks or runs scored.

If teams examine every stat in their minutia and reward individual players with contracts based on those individual stats, cause you know Vick isn't splitting that contract with his WR's or O-line, why can't I get imaginary points for those stats in an imaginary league with my friends.

This is to say nothing for the gambler who only cares if NY covers or not; having no interest in the quality for the game.