I Dislike Your Favorite Team

Yes it is official the U.S. side took another loss in their run-up to the World Cup. Many skeptics are raising rabble about what this loss, the loss to Germany and the tie with Jamaica, means to the team’s chances in the Cup. I on the other hand look at it in the most positive of lights. I see these warm-up matches as opportunities for the squad to get their losses and draws out of the way before the real games start. I know this isn’t “sound reasoning”, but don’t we get enough of that from Fox News? I can feel it in my gut, that because the US is losing and drawing now, they will get their fill and decide it is wins only starting June 12th and ending with that pretty little gold trophy held aloft their capitalist pig little heads. Oh how glorious for the Motherland!

Did I mention that Claudio Reyna pulled himself from the game? Well, he did and it was awesome. He claims he slightly pulled his “hammy” and wanted to use caution. Again, it is a ploy. Reyna, who is oft injured, has decided to injure himself now, ever so slightly, so that come Cup time he will have his injury out of the way and will be free to concentrate on fine distribution from the midfield. The world will watch in awe as Reyna leads the US side on surgical strike after surgical strike, resulting in the most tournament goals scored for a side and several hat tricks for Johnson, McBride and my all time fave…Brian Ching.

Bruce Arena is the mastermind behind this squad and its most brilliant approach to this World Cup. All the talking heads are casting blame already. To them I say, “Hold your horse cowboy Joe, the US squad is doing this on purpose, in order to fool other teams, namely Italy as they are most stupid of teams. It will work Jack, the US will win it all, you’ll see. Mmmhhahhahahaahhaha!” (Best when read in the voice of Yakov Smyrnov or Borat.)

As a citizen of the greatest nation on earth I hold firm that my team will win and that all negativism is wasted on such a wonderfully skilled and dynamic side such as ours. USAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSA!!!!