Thursday, May 18, 2006

Say Hello to the New Boof, Same as the Old Boof

Boof Bonser is the newest member of the Twins pitching staff, after Kyle Lohse melted down in pure Lohsian form, surrendering a bunch of runs and then refusing to join the rest of the club in the dugout. On an emotional level, I can understand this, by the by. I don't know if I would want to spend two hours watching my half hour of suckiness sink my team, while being powerless to do anything about it. Seems rough. But you know, there are 12 guys on any college basketball team, and #12 does nothing but sit and delight in his team's success without his input. He knows the team would be drastically worse with him out there; he gets it. Lohse didn't get that the Twins were drastically worse than the pretty sketchy they are currently with him on the mound. Or he did, and it didn't sit well. Have fun in Rochester, Kyle.

So now we greet Boof Bonser. As a nickname, it doesn't inspire terror like "Iron Mike" or "Hammerin' Hank" or "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan.

However, it ain't a nickname. It is his real name. He wasn't born with it, though. He changed it (on purpose, and sober) to Boof in 2001, presumably because 9/11 changed everything. And a man who chooses to be known "Boof" is scary. He's unpredictable. A Loose Cannon. A perfect foil for Danny Glover!

But for those of you who don't know anything about Boof Bonser, let me present a list of things that are true, things that may be true, and things that are almost certainly not true:

1. Boof has played for some of the best nicknames in Baseball outside of Japan. His resume includes stints with the Volcanoes, The Swamp Dragons, The Navigators, and the Rock Cats.

2. Boof excels at Backgammon.

3. Boof was born John Paul Bonser

4. Boof has joined Matt Leinert in helping Paris Hilton pull a train.

5. He was the Pinellas County, Florida, player of the year of 2000 when he went 7-3, had an ERA of 1.88.

6. As a hitter the same year, he hit just under .525 and had 11 homeruns.

7. Boof likes it when you explain to him that his name is awfully close to English slang for homosexual.

8. Boof started out in the San Francisco Giants organization. He was traded to the Twins when he commented on the size of Barry Bonds' head.

9. He was part of the trade that sent A.J. Pierzinski to SanFran in exchange for Joe Nathan and Francisco Liriano. The Giants have stupid personnel people.

10. Boof was considered an unlikely middle of the season call up, until his excellent 2005 season and excellent beginning of 2006. Also, the Twins are desperate for help in what is decidedly not the rotation they were looking for.

11. Boof Bonser has a working prototype of a car that runs on water.

12. Boof Bonser has two other pitches to compliment his low-90's fastball.

13. Sometimes, Boof likes to invite his friends over to watch the Price is Right.

14. Boof Bonser will get his first major league start on May 21, 2006, against the Brewers who really, really aren't owned by the Commissioner Bud Selig. really, they aren't. Really.

15. Boof, like every other member of the Twins pitching staff, has promised to throw at least one meatball a game, in the hopes of creating a highlight reel catch for Torii Hunter.

16. If you say Boof Bonser 5 times in a row, with perfect sincerity, you are transported to The Shire in Lord of the Rings, where you will live as an upper-status Hobbit named Bonser Boof.

17. If photographed just right, looks vaguely like a Causcasian, chunky version of Fez from That 70's Show.

answer key:
Things that are true: 1,3, 5, 6, 9, 10, 14
May be true: 2, 12, 13, 15, 16, 17
Most likely untrue: 4, 7, 11
Trick question: 8. Part 1 is true, part 2 may be true.

things that are true were all taken from the Boof Bonser entry at Wikipedia

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