Saturday, March 03, 2007

Spastic Or Flaccid? NFL Free Agency Begins

Me gusto college basketball, and I like NBA playoffs. Live baseball, majors & minors, is great. But my one true love is football played at its absolute highest level: the NFL.

The varnish isn't dry yet on the memorial plaques of the Colts, but we are already into the 2007 NFL Season. I'm not talking about the draft. In this age, crafting a quality football team isn't just about quality scouting, evaluating and coaching. It's also clever financing. The start of NFL free agency has been dropping jaws ever since Reggie White went to Green Bay (everyone said "He went to fucking Green Bay? Good luck spending your money in family style-restaurants, boner." Then he won the Superbowl. Then he was dead at 43).

The salary cap, some poisonous draught of necessary evil, is a nearly unbreakable hymen designed to keep big-market ultra-mega-omni rich owners from spending more money than the merely medium-market mega-omni rich owners. However, it does break up families.

Contrasting Styles: Spastic or Flaccid

The Patriots are a team notable for losing every star player (except QB) yet remaining extremely competitive. Yet there is no doubt their star is starting to fade, like Ronnie James Dio's (for example).

The Redskins have been (since Dan Snyder took control of the team in 1999) a team notable for blowing big blast money up front on sexudo free agent busts. Adam Archuleta, you're only the last bad crab in a long line of losing quality lifers such as #48 Stephen Davis for Spurrier's "Pitch and Catch" and gaining worthless one-year Peon "Pee On" Sanders to lose Brian Mitchell (#2 All-Time NFL All-Pupose Yards plus 9 NFL records who signed a one-day contract to retire as a Redskin with Joe Gibbs who coached Mitchell in the 1992 Superbowl Victory).

Obviously, to-be Hall of Famer Brian Mitchell was not stopped here by PK Grammatica as he scored the only Redskins TD of the day in a brutal 14-13 pukefest. For two years he was the only player to give a shit, and they cut him for a puss who couldn't make a goal line tackle if they paid him. And believe me, they paid him.

Can the Patriots continue to produce playoff winners while hemorrhaging starters every year? Bye, RB Dillon. Is Boney Maroney good for 270 carries a season?

Can Joe Gibbs right the slaveship, old-school style?

These are only two out of thirty-two teams in the NFL. Each team has its own journey. Except for the Raiders, who are going to suck again. By dog, I think it's time to start talking real football again. Here are the first jaw-droppers of the 2007 Season (it helps if your jaw is already loosened by 10 beers or so).

49ers signed solid, steady former Bills CB Nate Clements to the biggest salary ever paid to a defensive player: 8 years, $80 mil & $22 million is guaranteed, folks. That's something special in an NFL contract.

In retaliation (?) the Bills signed solid, steady former Redskins guard Derrick Dockery to 7 years, $49 million with $18.5 million guaranteed, beating Steve Hutchinson's 2006 blockbuster deal.

In retaliation, the Redskins signed steady, solid former Bills LB London Fletcher (a modest 5 years for $25 million). Expect the Redskins to re-sign cut Vikings CB Smoot, a former Redskins who left for a payday in the Land of 10,000 Lapdances with Dildo Insertions, allegedly. Smoot said of negotiations to return to Washington: "Everything would be put back in place if I did. Me leaving here was a big mistake."

The Browns whumped all the 2007 offensive lineman signings (thusfar) by blowing out 7 years, $49.5 million to sign former Bengals solid, steady Eric Steinbach.

The latest news is that the Broncos wanted to trade QB Plummer to the Bucs but Snake Jr. would rather retire. Brutal. That guy played for Arizona, folks.

The Lions have traded cornerback Dre' Bly to the Denver Broncos for running back Tatum Bell, offensive tackle George Foster and a fifth-round pick. Bly's contract is a time bomb at the end of next year, but the Broncos have an immediate hole in their lineup.



Muumuuman said...

At least someone is interested in you as a starter Plummer! You could be a Johnson, Bledsoe, Brunell, Garcia, oh wait! the RAIDERS and BUCS are looking to get Garcia! Go Jeff - I see a Superbowl ring in your future for sure!

Phil said...

What? Wild Hogs sucks?!? How can this be true?

Big Blue Monkey said...

it should be noted that between winning the super bowl and dying, Reggie also made jaws dropped when he talked about how good Hispanics were at living in close spaces, and how asians were good at making your watch into a calculator, and how black people were good at dancing.

Jaws dropped, because it was all so fucking obvious, and yet no one had had the courage to say it! God Bless You Up in Heaven, Reggie White!

lbutler36 said...

Reggie White not only had the balls to say it - he said it in front of the wisconsin state senate. good for him

Big Blue Monkey said...

is there any way we convince Champ Bailey that he also made a huge mistake?

because if I had my choice of prodigal son CB's, my choice would be The Champ, Bailey!

Oh, but I guess Denver now has the best secondary in the world, after getting Dre Bly.

Badcock said...

Speaking of Denver's secondary, anyone else remember the hit Steven Atwater put on Christian Okeye ("The Nigerian Nightmare") on MNF in the late 80's?

I believe Reggie White also had some important feelings about homosexuality, and how Jesus could cure it for you. Or send you to hell. Your choice.

Phil said...

Clarify something for me. Completely, unrestricted, free agencey began with Reggie White. But Wilber Marshal went to Washington via free agencey in '88 and Wash. had to give picks. Correct?

Nigerian Nightmare. Pretty good nicname.

Badcock said...

I think 1988 was the era of "Plan B" free agency, implemented to keep another strike from happening. I'll check into the details, but later.

Miwacar said...

Funny how it all works out...the Bucs signed both Garcia and Plummer. What to do, what to do?

Phil said...

Badcock - Yeah, Plan B rings a bell. I suppose I could look it up too.