I Dislike Your Favorite Team

448 Free Agents this year. Free Agency is a time when football fans ache over the loss of favorite players while clutching fervently to the hope that a big signing will take them over the top. If it worked for Sly Stallone, it could work for the Tampa Bay Neers.

The advent of free agency in football has added a new dimension to the traditional team-building in the NFL. It isn't just about scouting, drafting, training and coaching new talent. Sometimes you can pluck a jewel as dusky as any that hung from an Ethiope's ear (thanks Shakespeare), sometimes you special-order a shit sandwich, and sometimes another team in your division steals your lunch.

Much like the faulty bladders troubling the old men who run this nation, free agency tactics may be classified as either spastic or flaccid.

Is a spastic team desperate? Is a flaccid team assuming it is already playoff-caliber? Is a spastic team searching for the missing puzzle piece? Is a flaccid team retarded to mediocrity by a tight-fisted owner?

Eagles
Signed mercurial WR Bethel Johnson to a one year contract. Look out for them one year-contracts; they never seem to work out.

Grade: Flaccid

Giants
They acquired solid RB Reuben Droughns in a trade with the Browns, giving up mediocore WR Tim Carter.

But they've lost a ton of free agents. When the rats start swimming away from the ship, take notice.

Grade: Flaccid.

Cowboys
The Dallas Kobes signed QB Brad Johnson to 3 years, $7.5 mil. Ha, ha, ha suckers. God, if they had only hired Nerfneck Turner to coach. Redskins revenge. Suck on it, suckers.

Grade: Flaccid.

Redskins

They signed solid dildophilic CB Fred Smoot back from the Vikings & signed solid LB London Fletcher for 5 years, $15 mil.

The Redskins are busy shedding many of last year's free agent debacles.

Grade: in the Dan Snyder era, this is refreshingly Flaccid.


Lions
Unused-in-2006 Redskins RB TJ Duckett signed with the Lions for 1 year, $1.5 mil. Watch out for those one-year contracts.

Durable, explosive RB Tatum Bell, who ran for over 1,000 yards in a crowded Broncos backfield, signed after the trade with Denver for CB Dre Bly.

The Lions have had the most active free agency period in the league -- understandable after the fudgefest they've been putting on the last decade. Yet nothing seems to help. So far they've added nine to their roster and lost seven without increasing their overrall quality. How about getting some offensive linemen, boners?

Grade: Spastic

Packers
Have signed nobody of note. Grade: Flaccid.

Vikings
Have signed nobody of note. Grade: Flaccid.

Bears
The NFC champs are standing pat. Um, your quarterback is Gross Rexman?

Grade: Flaccid.

Saints
Signed solid LB Brian Simmons to a 3 year deal and solid half-Thai S Kevin Kaesviharn to a 4 year deal, both from the Benglas.

They've re-signed many of their own free agents.

Grade: Best in the NFC.

Bucs
Elder Statesmen OT Luke Petitgout signed big for 3 years, $15.5 million.

Tampa Bay WR Joey Galloway agrees to a restructured deal that is still more than he deserves, likewise mercurial DB Philip Buchanon getting a 1 year deal.

Signed Jeff Garcia & traded with Denver for QB Jake Plummer to head their wayward club.

Signed solid veteran DE Kevin Carter formerly of the Dolphins and Titans and Rams.

They signed solid LB Cato June from the Superbowl champ Colts.

Grade: Spastic.

Falcons
Excellent WR Joe Horn signed for 4 years, $19 mil.

Solid blocking FB Ovie Mighielli was signed (6/$13) to replace J. Griffith.

They still need a possession receiver.

Grade: Flaccid.

Panthers
Have signed nobody of note. Grade: Flaccid.

49ersSolid but unremarkable CB Nate Clements signed an 8 year, $80 million contract that's nearly half guaranteed -- that alone is what's remarkable. Best defensive player in the league, huh?

Solid benched-in-2006 S Michael Lewis signed for 6 years.

Flakey talent WR Ashley Lelie signed a two-year deal with the 49ers for $4.3 million, including a $2 million signing bonus.

Grade: Spastic

Seahawks
They signed stand-out DE Patrick Kerney to 6 years for $39.5 mil and cut over-priced (huh?) DE Grant Wistrom.

Stand-out S Deon Grant signed for 6 years, $30 mil including an $11 mil signing bonus that is #1 for safeties.

Former stand-out (until he went to the Lions) TE Marcus Pollard signed a 1 year deal after solid TE Jerramy Stevens was busted for DUI & pot possession, his third arrest.

They also lost significant talent during free agency.

Grade: Spastic.

Rams
They blew 6 for $30 mil on white WR Drew Bennet.

They blew plenty on Chicago's backup DB Todd Johnson.

They signed solid TE Randy McMichael to a 3 year deal.

They re-signed RB Travis Minor and OT Todd Steussie to big one-year deals.

Grade: Spastic.

Cardinals
They're haphazardly tossing contracts at 2nd stringers. Good gravy, how about some offensive linemen, boners?

Grade: Spastic.

Jets
Untried RB Thomas Jones has signed a four-year, $20 million contract to leave the Bears.

The rest of their signings have been for modest, second-tier players.

Grade: Flaccid.

Patriots
The Patriots also signed standout LB Adalius Thomas for $37.5 million for five years. They also signed boner TE Kyle Brady to a two-year, $5.3 million deal.

They signed three potential starters at WR: Donte Stallworth, Wes Welker, Kelley Washington. Big money deals for the skill position that touches the ball the least.

They also signed unproductive RB Sammy Morris from Miami.

Grade: Spastic.


Bills
They've signed three offensive linemen in free agency. Young solid G Derrick Dockery got the huge payday, with career backups T Langston Walker (who voided his contract with the Raiders, for some reason I can't fathom) and T Jason Whittle coming from Minnesota.

Grade: Flaccid.

Titans
They've only re-signed their own players, including Kerry Collins. Sweet.

Grade: Flaccid

Colts
The Superbowl Champs have been sitting pat, losing a number of quality free agents in the process.

Grade: Flaccid.

Texans
RB Ahman Green signs his death sentence for 4 years, $23 mil.

Grade: Flaccid.

Jaguars

Jacksonville went for quality over quantity in free agency. They picked up talented, kooky WR Dennis Northcutt, stand-out RT Tony Pashos from the Ravens and re-signed young leggy K Josh Scobee. All signed five year contracts and all should start in 2007.

Grade: Right on the money

Ravens
They are replacing all-time team rushing leader RB Jamal Lewis with talented, fragile (?) RB Willis McGahee for 7 years, $40.12 mil, in a trade with Buffalo for draft picks. The contract is on a clever sliding scale: besides bonuses, McGahee only earns $595,000 in his first year, increasing thereafter.

They've lost two solid OL and haven't replaced them.

Grade: Flaccid.

Steelers
Two years away from the Superbowl and without their longtime head coach, this team looks like it is rebuilding.

Grade: Flaccid.

Browns
Aging RB Jamal Lewis signed a one-year deal for $3.5 million with strings attached.

Biggest OL payday so far goes to T Eric Steinbach, acquired from the Bengals. His contract is the largest ever for an OL: 7 years, $49.5 million.

They added G Seth McKinney, who was on IR last year, with a one-year contract.

They added shitty CB Kenny Wright, toastmaster of the 2006 Redskins.

Grade: Spastic

Bengals
They have not signed anybody of note, while losing a large number of position players.

Grade: Flaccid.

Broncos
Solid backup QB Patrick Ramsey signed a 2 year, $4.5 million contract, leaving the Jets.

Solid Patriots TE Daniel Graham signed a deal for 5 years, $30 mil (half guaranteed).

For once, they signed a RB in free agency, rather than dealing them out like so much firewater ... Titan's solid RB Travis Henry for 5 years, $22.5 mil.

They traded for solid CB Dre Bly and for aging DT Dan Wilkinson.

Grade: Spastic.

Dolphins
Star LB Joey Porter left the Steelers for 5 years, $32.5 ($20 mil guaranteed, holy shit). Meanwhile, they've lost thirteen players (of varying quality) in free agency so far.

Grade: Flaccid.

Chiefs
Solid LB Donnie Edwards went from the Chargers to the Chiefs, getting 3 years for $13.5 mil (half guaranteed).

Journeyman LB Napoleon Harris signed for 6 years, $24 million, mostly up front.

Grade: Flaccid.

Raiders
The Raiders signed Atlanta's excellent lead-blocker FB Justin Griffith for 3 years, $3.8 million.

Colts part-time RB Dominic Rhodes signed with the Raiders for 2 years, $7.5 mil.

Sad to say, comedic QB Aaron Brooks will not be with the hapless Raiders in 2007.

Grade: Flaccid.

Chargers
The most talented team in the NFL has stood pat, re-signing its own players.

Grade: Flaccid.