Friday, March 23, 2007

Look, I'm Just a Sports Blogger

I don't know that Franklin Pierce was our First Gay President.

I don't know that Helen Keller wasn't just some chick who was blind and deaf, but was in fact an angry socialist who toured Coal Mines, and argued passionately for worker's rights.

But here are some things I think I know about the job description of Attorney General:

1. Should have some experience prosecuting a case, on some level. Any level, really.

2. Maybe have some experience litigating, as well. In an ideal world, I mean.

3. Your best law-talkin'-guy work should not be keeping a Governor out of Jury Duty, with the sole goal to continue hiding said Governor's DUI conviction.

4. You should not defend torture as a viable tool of Justice.

5. If you are friends with the President, you should aggressively pursue cases even (especially? ) if they make the President uncomfortable (like Bobby Kennedy going after the Mob after they won Illinois for JFK).

6. You really, really, really should not fire US Attorney's simply because they are unwilling to file voter fraud charges against Democrats who are in position to win a seat in Congress. Nor should you fire US Attorneys simply because they are indicting dirty Republicans in Congress and the CIA.

7. If you ignore #6, you really, really, really shouldn't lie about it.

8. If you ignore #6 and #7, and you get caught, it is time to throw in the towel, and you Should bring down as many people as you can, fancy job at the Carlyle Group or no.

Alberto Gonzalez, you were never fit to run the Department of Justice, and the men and women you fired were 10 times the attorneys you were, and ever will be. When you get thrown under the bus, as you will, please know that you deserved it, and historians will judge you harshly. You fucking dick. That's what you get for hitching your wagon to a fucking imbecile with a Patrician pedigree. Why not travel back in time and hitch your wagon to Nero? You'd fit right in there. Dick.


Glenn Paul Pratt said...

Yeah, biting the had that fed them really worked out well for the Kennedys. I am joking of course, nice post. I never would have though you would get political on this blog though.

Muumuuman said...

Actually, all of Bush's cabinet has secretly been replaced with Folgers crystals, and no one can tell the difference! Tasted like shit before, and still tastes like shit!

Big Blue Monkey said...

glenn paul pratt--

I never knew you were reading the blog, so we are even!

And you know, we've gotten political before on this blog. I think our Legion of Doom was pretty political. Read the hagiographies of Bowie Kuhn (was just died. We'll have to post on that) and then read our take on him. I think that was pretty political.

Big Blue Monkey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Big Blue Monkey said...

Or "who just died" even.