Thursday, March 01, 2007

Pros Vs. Joes: Season 2, Coaches Edition

Obviously, these Joes couldn't be successful Coaches. How many fit and successful coaches have you seen in the Big Time? These Joes aren't Big Time Coaches like last week's show had Big Time Announcers (and that's a dubious label to give to the likes of Van Earl Wright and Sal Masekela). Nope, these are youth coaches.

Let's meet our Joes:

#1 is Raymond Bischoff, who we will see, really thinks quite a lot of himself. His trash-talking doesn't feel like some of the other Joes we have seen. Some Joes, you can tell, just enjoy trash-talking big time athletes, but they know that's all it is. Raymond "The Mexican Redneck" seems to actually think he belongs here. He is the classic Joe. Is he the same Raymond Bischoff who represented himself in a 2005 Kentucky Case involving the Sewer District? I don't know. But I wouldn't be surprised if he was.

#2 Joe is Derrick Aiken, is a tall, slender African-American, who once scored 69 points in a Basketball game. Was it high school? Was it college? We aren't told. Let's assume High School.

Derrick looks like the most likely winner, because he's black. Just kidding!

#3 Joe is Dwight Pope, who possibly due to my watching The Office sounded at first like Dwight Shruitt. I was in his camp just for that. Also, he was the goofiest trash talker. "I'm 5'10, and 200 pounds of White Chocolate!" Dwight, we learn, was an All-American Baseball Player. And then, on his audition tape he says, "I should clarify, I was a Pre-Season All-American." Ah-HAH!

Let's meet our Pros!

Will Clark. We've met him before.
Grant Fuhr. One of the best goalies in the history of the NHL. Host Petros Snuffalupagus calls Fuhr "intimidating". Only if you know who he is. If you saw him walking down the street, you'd wonder if he was your accountant. Fuhr doesn't radiate danger like Kevin Willis, or Randy Couture did. In general, Goalies, no matter what the sport don't give "intimidating" vibes in the same way their defensemen do. Maybe he is intimidating because he's half black?
Tom Chambers! No shit? Tommy chambers was one of the biggest offensive producers for the Phoenix Suns, and hasn't done much since retirement. He and Fuhr are nice suprises for this episode.
Kordell Stewart. We've seen Kordell before, and he was awesome. His appearance is hardly shocking.

Challenge 1: Stop Kordell Simple enough challenge, and a pretty small area involved. Stewart can't run outside the hash marks, but he does have tackling dummies to use as blockers. Each Joe get's three chances to stop Kordell. First up: Derrick Aiken, Joe #2.

First run, Kordell gives him a little shake and runs into the end zone untouched. Second time, Derrick gets his hand on Kordell's ankle, but not enough to bring him down. Third time, Kordell runs right at Derrick, who is able to knock Stewart into one of the tackling dummies. He stops him on the 2 yard line.

Joe #3, Dwight Pope is up next. Kordell gives him a single cut move the first two times, and scores. He runs right at him the third time, and though Dwight gets a hand on an ankle, Stewart drags him into the end zone.

Joe #1, Raymond Bischoff is the most entertaining, and delusional Joe I've seen in an awhile. He promises to "Knock the piss out of [Kordell]" and yells at Kordell that this match-up was "Destiny". Seriously. Destiny. He says it twice. Like the entire history of the World has been in motion just to build up this moment. Maybe this is strategy, because, Kordell bites on it. Kordell backs up 10 yards, to run shotgun (he doesn't have to, he just wants to embaress Bischoff). And he does, works him badly on the first carry, to the point that in the last 5 yards Kordell walks in backwards, showing Raymond the ball. Kordell then slaps Bischoff on the helmet as he's walking back to his spot, and Bischoff yells, "Yeah, who's walking away? Who's walking away!?" His fellow Joes are laughing hysterically in the background. Second snap, Kordell runs right at Raymond, and just fucking buries him. Embarassing. Clearly, Derrick is going to win this fucker. Except that Kordell wants to embarass Raymond a little more, and, on the third carry stands still until Raymond is about a yard away before he makes a move. Raymond knocks him down. Raymond wins the challenge. Not because he did anything special. He just pissed off the Pro to the point that he wanted to embarass Raymond. Is that strategy, or was that lucky? Who knows? Derrick is pissed though, because he won this thing fair and square.

Challenge 2: Stop Will Clark balls to First Base--We've talked before that Will Clark is basically not good for anything but BP. This challenge is more of the same. The Joes play First Base, and Will sends balls to that area. There are big walls showing the defensive area the Joes have to patrol. It seems clear that Will could continually hit balls that no one could stop. The screen area is just fucking huge. But Will is pretty consistent. He hits a couple of unstoppable line drives, and a bunch of grounders.

Bischoff is first. He loots horrible at first, but does eventually stop 4 Will Clark hits.

Pope is next--Pope is a baseball player (but a catcher). He is clearly comfortable, though. He stops 6.

Derrick is last, and given his tall, slender frame, he looks ridiculous patrolling first base. He loses, but doesn't look awful doing it. Kordell, during this challenge calls Derrick "The Brown Hornet." We can't refuse that request for an visual reference:

Yeah, that looks about right.

Challenge 3: Defend the Goal From Grant Fuhr--Grant isn't known for shooting. He's a goalie, after all. But none of these Joes are comfortable on Skates.

Joe #2 Derrick, who needs to win this challenge, is pretty smart. He knows he isn't good on skates, and just stays on his knees, and plays angles. He gets seven stops.

Joe #1 Raymond tries to play goalie like he is a Goalie. He would have lost 10-0, but Grant Fuhr purposefully sends pucks into Raymond's chest, fact. He isn't trying to beat him. He's trying to hurt him.

Joe #3. Pope just doesn't belong on skates. Fuhr is warmed up, and doesn't want to hurt Pope, either. So he just scores, repeatedly.

Derrick wins! Sudden Death! And it is simple. Shooting from one goal, put a puck in the goal on the other side of the ice. Derrick misses, the other two hit. Hit the bricks, Derrick!

Dumbass, easily hated Raymond, and pretty cool, easy to root for Dwight go into Overtime

First challenge: Play "H" of Horse with Tom Chambers
The Joe has to make a shot. If he makes it, then Chambers has to make it. Both Joes have the right idea. Shoot shots that are at least 16 feet out.

The problem for Pope is that he's not great at shots outside 16 feet himself. It takes him 37 seconds to hit a shot that Chambers doesn't. Evil Dick Raymond takes all of 12 seconds to hit a shot that Chambers misses.

Raymond is up after one challenge!

Second Challenge: Get a Puck Past Grant Fuhr--One puck stops the clock
Raymond is up first, and maxes out. Fuhr looks bored stopping his shots. Apparently Dwight knows something that most NHL'ers don't know, because he manages to score on Fuhr in 13 seconds.

Dwight is now leading by 22 seconds.
Third Challenge: Get Will Clark Out--3 strikes or a Pop Out (has to be caught)

Raymond is again up first, and throws a bunch of meatballs. Clark tries to tag a ball for a homerun, and pops it up. Raymond manages to get it. Stop the Clock at 45 seconds.

Dwight throws some junk, and some speed, and gets two foul balls off of Dwight, but he can't strike him out, and he certainly can't get him to pop up. He maxes out.

Dwight is up by only 7 seconds.
Fourth Challenge: Catch a Hail Mary from Kordell Stewart

Dwight is up first. I should note, that aerobically, this is one of the toughest challenges I've ever seen. The Joe starts at the 18 yard mark, and then has to run back to the End Zone, filled with tackling dummies. If they don't catch the Hail Mary, they have to get back to the 18 yard line before the next ball is thrown. This is basically a 36 yard shuttle run.

Dwight never comes close to a ball, maxes out, and has to run to the finish line. He falls over. He finishes at 1:14. If Bischoff can catch a ball, he will win. Bischoff stops trying to even catch a ball, hoping to be jogging back to the 18 yard line when the max time whistle blows. He isn't. He's in the end zone. But without falling over, he still runs a 1:16.

Dwight "Shruitt" Pope wins! Given the general assholeness of Bischoff, I'm not surprised that the Joes seem happy that Pope wins. Bischoff was an asshole.

Congrats to Pope! We hope to interview him soon!

Exciting: Next week: Boston Joes vs NY Pros. Was that Dave Winfield I saw in the promo? I think so!

1 comment:

The HCIC said...

I'm actually trying to watch this show with you, because the best friends are TV friends. Last night was ok, but that sportscasters one was outstanding. Bring back the glass panes!