Thursday, March 15, 2007

Jason Elam Will Miss Us When The Rapture Happens

Man, I forgot all about bpsports. You might think it a sports site sponsored by British Petroleum. Wrong, you fucking sinner!

It's an Evangelical Christian Sports Site. And great fun is to be had with the news that Jason Elam, kicker, is adding to his already impressive resume.

I hear you sinners snickering about Elam's supposed resume; I hear your devilish doubts that he has done anything but kick for a living. You are wrong, and Jesus hates you.

According to bpsports, "He is a licensed commercial pilot, a licensed real estate broker and a world traveler."

So eat it, you dirty Philistines. Sure, any millionaire could be a World Traveler, and sure, that isn't an actual profession. But, not anyone can be a licensed real estate broker. You have to pass some kind of test.

But the big news is this!

On Feb. 13, this friendship culminated in Elam entering the Master of
Arts in Global Apologetics program at LTS.

In his first class, Elam surprised the 500 students in his Theology 201 class when he suddenly walked down the aisle and shared his testimony, at Caner’s request. “Like many of you, I hunger to grow
deeper in my Christian walk, and I want to be prepared to share my faith in Christ as Lord with anyone,” Elam told the students. “I am so excited about the Global Apologetics degree and being a student in Liberty Seminary. There are 5 billion followers of the world’s 12 major world religions, and I want to be ready for all of them.”

That's right. Elam, a committed Christian, decided the best way to learn about the world's 12 major religions was to study at Liberty, the tax-shelter created by Jerry Falwell. Did I say "tax-shelter"? I meant to say, "widely respected university that has been in existence for fewer years than my father has been alive."

But I won't judge Jerry Falwell or his university by how he's been quoted by the evil mainstream press. Aside from those times that Liberty University sees fit to quote that evil mainstream press.

This article from US News and World Report is on the Liberty website. All italicized quotes are from the article (which again, is on the Liberty website)

"But guys can't go wild: Their hair must be short and tight around the ears."

Just like Jesus!

"More important, all students agree to live by "The Liberty Way," a code of conduct that assigns fines for specific infractions: $25 for "attendance at a dance," gambling, or smoking;"

Jesus hates dancing! He said so, in the Book. It's towards the back.

"$50 for watching or possessing an R-rated movie; $250 for consorting with consumers of alcohol; and $500 for drinking alcohol or undergoing an abortion (though the school has never had to levy an abortion fine)."

Jesus hates booze, aside from those times, where you know, he keeps a party going by changing water into wine. Also, Jesus, back in 1 CE, said, and I quote, "I have a problem with those R rated movies from the 20th and 21st Century CE. Especially that gorefest Mel Gibson made. What's up with that shit? And why do the 'Jews' look so different from me? I mean, I'm Jewish."

Students and staff downplay these guidelines as more draconian on paper than in practice. "They are not worried about you being out of the dorm after curfew," explains senior Chris Graham, leading a noontime campus tour. "They just want to know where you are at all times."

Seriously, "They just want to know where you are at all times," Says the fucking tour guide! Nothing Draconian (pagan term!) about that.

So, this is where Jason Elam has chosen to learn about more about how to defend Christianity. A Christianity without a Long-haired wine drinker! Buh? Snuh?

Just to be clear, Liberty University was founded in the 70's by this guy, who has clearly mastered the idea of Christ's "Turn the Other Cheek" Philosophy.

(oh, also, queer teletubbies caused 9/11)


Secret Rapture said...

My inaugural address at the Great White Throne Judgment of the Dead, after I have raptured out billions! The Secret Rapture soon, by my hand!
Read My Inaugural Address
My Site=
Your jaw will drop!

Jess said...

Drinking and abortion carry the same fine?

Lucy Rhode said...

I plead the blood of Jesus on you! When I was a little kid growing up in one of these nutty households, folks couldn't believe the things I told them. Today we acknowledge that a significant number of our neighbors aren't doing so well, and that is what they call progress.

Muumuuman said...

Elam is no longer welcome on my fantasy football team. However, I plan on learning handball so I can play Jake in his new sport.

Badcock said...

Drinking and abortions definitely should carry the same fine. It's called a cover charge.

Isn't it slightly presumptuous for Falwell to suggest anything "in the name of the Lord?"

I think there might be a commandment about using the Lord's name in vain. Goddammit.

Badcock said...

Also, regarding commenter "Secret Rapture" who provides a link to his 1986 crazy rambling Jesus-is-a-crazy-spaceman essay and his inaugural address in which he refers to himelf as "the Space Ghost" ... I know someone at IDYFT taught his crazy grammama how to get on the internet. But this is, ostensibly, a sports site. Sports are resistant to crazy spaceman-jesus kooks because it is erected with human idols excelling in athletic competition. Fleeting, like the cherry blossoms that Jesus's dad definitely didn't invent.

So step aside, nerd.