C'mon Spike TV , ya stoopid bastards. You shouldn't run this mess against NCAA College Hoops Tournament Season. It's wrong. It was a happy accident I got to watch the two overtime thrilling games before this thing started. And then, to air a theme show, with a kick ass theme, and to have it be this weak crop just further bugs.
So the idea was, Boston fans vs. NY Pros. Great idea. Bad idea--have four pros that played 2 sports. Where's the mix? Boo! Last season I saw Clyde Drexler on fucking ice skates, and I saw the Joes have to climb a horizontal ladder at the bottom of a pool while Gary Hall Jr raced by them. That was awesome. Watching Wade Boggs take batting practice? Not awesome. Get your heads in the game, Spike!
OK, let's summarize this thing, quickly, and never speak of it again.
Our Joes are Boston fans, but not necessarily from Boston. One clearly is: "This is my Yahd!" But one dude is from Rhode Island, home of the Fabled Rhodes Colossus*
Joe #1 is Marlin Williams, who pronounces "Marlin" with such a thick accent it comes out "Mahlon". Then they show his name in print. Oops. His name is actually Mahlon. Buh? Snuh! Tall, athletic-looking, he would be my go-to guy to win this thing, except the most athletic looking guys harder ever do. He wears a Wheaton sweatshirt, and sure enough, that link is to the exploits of a Mahlon Williams at Wheaton. the Idiot pros make jokes about Wheaton being a Women's college.
Joe #2 is the Joe-eist Joe I ever done saw. Sam Fusaro, who hails from Little Rhodey. He's a squat, long-haired, long-goateed dude. I like him! He looks like he knows where to get pot in Rhode Island, and that's probably a very unfair generalization. (oops, apparently he actually lives in LA). The other Joes and Pros don't know what to make of a long-haired dude with facial hair, so they just keep making references to how he looks like Jesus. Fuck that. Jesus wasn't white, bitches! And this dude is pure Honky. We wish him luck all the same.
Joe #3, Phil Brown, of "My Yahd" fame, and "My Pahk" and assorted other cock-swinging assertions is officially part of the PvJ archetype structure. The small, weaselly dude without much athletic ability who thinks he is an athlete, simply because he's managed to stay skinny. He talks a ridiculous amount of trash right out of the gate. He's pretty much fucking doomed.
Next our Pros. And hey, nothing against them--they are quality retired Pros--it's just that when doing a NYC themed show, I don't understand how Spike could only find 2 NY Teams to be represented with 4 Pros. Lazy, lazy, living in the desert Spike. Snoopy would have found an Islander, or a Met, or a Jet, or a Giant, or something. (Pardon my constant comic strip references. Have I mentioned I'm obsessed with this site? I am.)
Pro #1: Wade Boggs (don't be surprised if I call him Boogs at least once. It isn't meant to be funny, my fingers just seem to be drawn to that formulation of his name. Oh, go ahead, you mature people, and make a joke about my fingers being drawn to boogs. Yer Real Classy-like). Anyway, Boggs seems like a good choice. Former Red Sox player who left to play for the Yankees. But of course, the Red Sox kind of let Boggs go, didn't they? Doesn't stop the Joes from yelling "Traitor." Promising start!
Pro #2: John Starks --I don't think you have to be from Boston to hate John Starks. You can be from pretty much anywhere. Nothing drives home the point for me that I'm in my early 30's than learning that Starks is fucking 42 years old. Jiminy Christmas. Wasn't I just booing him a couple of years ago? Oh, that was 8 years ago? Shit.
Pro #3: Mark Jackson--OK, I kind of have to call shenanigans on this one. Did Celtics fans ever really cultivate a fierce rivalry with the Knicks while Jackson was on that squad? Weren't the Celtics already in the crapper by the time Jackson played with them, for a couple of years at the beginning of his career? If it were NY Joes against Indianapolis Pros, I would totally get Mark Jackson being here. But Boston Joes? Who cares about Mark Jackson?
Pro #4: Dave Winfield! I love Dave Winfield. He was a St. Paul, MN guy, who went out and got famous and big, and then came back and played for the Twins, and did pretty well, just like Paul Molitor (I believe they both got their 3000th hit whilst playing for the Twins.) Also, we traded him for a dinner! All the same--2 baseball players? Ugh. Where's Tab Ramos when you need him?
Challenge 1: Field the Green Monster!--With a Faux Green Wall and Everything!
This challenge, to be frank, is a bunch of bullshit. All it really is throwing for accuracy from the left field. Does it matter how well the Joes play the wall? Not really. Does it matter how fast they get the ball in? Not in the least. The Joes are shagging balls hit by Winfield & Boggs (3 each) and for each batter, they have to hit a target at second, third, and at home (a human catcher who will stretch for a ball). I don't see anything in the rules that would preclude the Joes from running in 20 yards from wherever they caught/shagged the ball, and gently lofting it underhand to the targets. But they don't do that. Because they are athletes!
Pro #2, Sam, is first. He's clearly a baseball player. His throw to second barely misses the target, his throw to third hits it soundly. On his 3rd ball, the one he has to throw to home, Winfield crushes it for a homerun. Fun wrinkle in the game--that counts against the Joe! Against Boggs, Sam hits second, just barely misses 3rd, and hits home. He goes 3-6.
Pro #3, Phil, is next. He doesn't really come close to a target in the four throws he has before he's eliminated. Some might think Phil would shut up at that point. Some would be wrong.
Pro #1, Mahlon finishes up. He generates the trash talk of the night, according to the Producers of the show, when Winfield says of Mahlon's throwing style, "He looks like he's throwing darts in a pub." and Boggs counters with, "I've seen stronger arms on Chairs!" Nevertheless, even though his balls tend to roll slowly to the targets, he hits 4 of them. Mahlon wins this challenge!
--quick interlude, in the Joes locker room--
Say the Joes, "We're representing every Boston Legend that ever was." Umm, no you are not. Larry Bird just called me to specifically tell me that you don't represent him. So did McHale, and Doug Flutie, and Cam Neely and Joan Benoit, winner of the 1979 Women's Boston Marathon.
--back to the gameshow--
Challenge 2: Stop Mark Jackson or John Starks from scoring
The pros only have 5 seconds to shoot, and only one of them is one the court at the same time. Starks look like the worse out of the two. No one does well here, but Joe #2, Sam, wins, mainly because Mark Jackson dicked around a lot. Nothing special here.
Challenge 3: Hit into the left side of a baseball field.
Now, this was a good idea. Boggs playing 3rd base, Winfield in Left. The Joes have three outs. They have to hit it to left (I'm presuming the dribblers into right were edited out). If they hit it to left, they have to make it to at least first base. We're counting total bases.
Dirty longhair hippie Sam is up first, and cracks a good ball into left field. It drops, and he goes for second. Winfield throws him out. Sam gets credit for a single, and gets an out. No one tests Dave again. This would be a good point to mention that Winfield is smiling throughout this entire show. If I smiled that much, my face would be sore for a week. Winfield is enjoying the show. Sam plates another single, and then gets thrown out by Boggs, and caught by Dave. 2 bases
Mahlon is up next. Thrown out by Boggs, Tags a pretty a nice double to tie Sam, and then gets thrown out by Boggs twice. The double looks like a fluke.
Aggravating barking lapdog Phil is up next. He needs to win this challenge to tie it up. He grounds out to Boggs. Gets a single, and then another out to Boggs. He then hits another easy one to Boggs, who pretends to misjudge it (no way, Wade, no you didn't). Boggs allows Phil to tie it up. Phil then hits another single to tie it up. Phil gets another hit to win the event. Everyone but Phil knows that Wade took a dive to set up a tie-breaker.
Tie Breaker: The joes each have to drop a ball in play and then run around the bases as fast as they can (ooh, all of 360 feet!). In doesn't matter--While Phil runs a 17.3, Sam crushes him at 16.7, and Mahlon sneaks in at 17.2. Hit the bricks, Phil!
It's time for Overtime!
The Pros sit around and talk about how the Joes don't know what Overtime really means. No shit?
Event 1: Simple--it's like a 3-point shooting contest against Starks. The clock runs until the Joe has a better rack than Starks. Sam is up first, and puts up a respectable time, in my mind--36 seconds--it took him the third rack. Mahlon, though, is apparently a 3-point shooter himself. He wins in the first rack--and finishes in 12 seconds. That's basically the difference (or is it? Read on!)
Event 2: 1 minute to strike out Dave Winfield. Sam is up first, and his first two pitches are actually pretty impressive. He gets a called strike, and he's hitting over 70 mph on the gun. He actually gets Winfield to swing and miss on the second pitch, which had some junk to it. After that, though, he struggles. Dave hits his shit all over the park. Sam maxes out. Mahlon is up next, and if this motherfucker somehow managed to hit the broadside of the barn, the barn certainly wouldn't know about it. He's awful. 14 mph? I don't think Winfield ever takes the bat off his shoulder. He laughs at the guy. He maxes out. The joke is on Sam--he did much better, but gains no time. That was his chance. The writing is on the wall (or is it?)
Event 3: Get the ball from Mark Jackson. It's a minute long, but Jackson's still got a 24 second shot clock. You could wait for him to put it up, and then go for the rebound. Or you go for the steal. Mahlon just rips the ball from Jackson at the 23 second mark. Against Sam, Jackson tries for some "I'm a Pro" move and tries to send the ball between Sam's legs. Sam recovers in time, and falls on the ball (face-planting in rather horrific fashion). He also gets the ball in 23 seconds. But is it too little, too late? Maybe!
Event 4: Play the hot corner with Wade Boggs hitting. Mahlon isn't a baseball player. That much is obvious. But he gets his body in front of the ball often enough, and hits the targets at second and first base, and stops the clock at 40 seconds. Sam can still win this thing--it will be near impossible, but he still has a chance--he just has to somehow finish in 16 seconds. Can he do it?
Of course not. 16 seconds to field two balls, throw them into targets, and then run 40 yards? That's fucking impossible. Sam loses. Congrats to Mahlon, good on Sam, and fuck you, Phil. You sucked!
And again, Spike--where's Clyde Drexler on skates? Where's Roy Jones? Where's Randy Couture. No more of this two baseball player, two NBA guards bullshit. Let's see these Joes get hurt a little, please. Last year, Kevin Greene and Herschel Walker. This year, Andre Rison and Kordell Stewart. C'mon. Let's go hurt some schmucks, Spike!