Thursday, February 01, 2007

Pros Vs. Joes, Season 2, Episode 2

I have already explained the process in which I fell in love with Season 1 of Pros vs. Joes. I went into some detail about how Season 2 has changed the game a bit when I reviewed the Premiere. If you happen upon this particular entry, I suggest you read those first, as this gameshow is super complex, and without the background, you will be lost. Probably not, but I'm trying to generate page views, you dicks. Just click around already.

The second show of the second season didn't disappoint in terms of locating cocky dumbasses. And they had a theme! They were all guys who officiate sports on some level (the level was never revealed, but I'm guessing Rec League, perhaps High School sports at the most). Joe #1 is Paul Jene from Milwaukee. Paul would reveal himself to be possibly the biggest douchebag the show has found yet. Joe #2, John Cox--apt name, that--hails from Colorado, if memory serves. Joe #3, Chad Cooper is a resident of Detroit and possibly had some sort of glandular disorder, because his googly eyes become a serious distraction. The host, kindly refers to them as "crazy eyes". Untrue. Googly. Muppet Googly.

In post Update!
Our friends at Spike TV didn't bother to mention that Paul Jene is an actor! He has starred in 2 National Lampoon movies about Golf (the famous Teed Off series) and apparently showed up on one of the last episodes of The Practice. Reportedly, Paul Jene was also a straight ringer for the LA Gay Games Hockey team. Trust me, these revelations make all kind of sense in the context of the show.

Chad Cooper was entered in the contest by his wife, who was sick of hearing talk at the TV during Season 1 of Pros vs. Joes! Hey, Chad Cooper's wife--you can do better than that Googly Eyed Son of a Bitch. I've never seen you, but you don't need to be stuck watching Pros vs. Joes with your Muppet Husband. Just on matter of principle, any of the failed athletes who blog for IDYFT will rock your world. We'll do it while a recording of Pros Vs. Joes plays in the background.

Man, I Love Google. Anyway, back to the Show!

Our Pros:
Timmy Hardaway
Kordell Stewart (who dusted Will)
Will Clark
Claude Lemieux

It should be noted that Joe #2, John Cox, referred to Claude Lemieux as a "scumbag" in his audition tape. Claude does not take this revelation particularly well. Joe #3, Chad, describes Claude as his personal sports demon, which Claude finds funny, but also worthy of violence: "The little one is going to get it," he says.

Challenge 1: Pass rush Kordell Stewart--simple enough. Each Joe gets three chances to stop Kordell from passing into one of four targets. There is an offensive line made up of tackling dummies, to keep the Joes from rushing headlong into Kordell. However, Kordell has to hold onto the ball for a set period of time, and then connect with one of the targets. A bad throw, no matter how well Kordell has evaded the rush of these chumps, counts as a stop. Pittsburgh fans all over the country silently think that this is too much of an advantage for the Joes. But in his first run through the Joes, Kordell makes them look stupid. They get no where close to him, and he buries the ball into the various basket targets on the field. Special moment: After each "completion" Kordell re-enacts famous TD celebrations--it looked to my eyes to be the T.O. Dance, the Deion Sanders dance, and then the Sleeping on a ball as a pillow celebration. It seems on the second pass through, Kordell gets a little bored, and starts testing just how much advantage he can give to the Joes as still win. The way this plays out is that Paul stops him exactly no times, John Cox gets a stop because Kordell misses a target, and Chad gets two stops--one due a Kordell stumble, the other due to Kordell dropping back 20 yards, and being surprised by Googly Eyed Chad. Chad wins! Paul in the locker room suggests that Chad won because of Kordell's mistakes, which is a pretty big douchebag thing to say, as that's the only way anyone scores at any stage in this game.

Challenge 2: Play One-on-One with Timmy Hardaway. Obviously, none of these guys are going to beat Tim Hardaway in One-on-One. They simply credit for the points they score on him. Timmy can't jump very high, and isn't as quick as he was, but he can still rain threes, and he is quick enough to go right by the Joes if they try to defend his jumpshot. Chad is first up, and gets worked by Hardaway, 21-12. Hardaway tells his fellow pros that he is just getting warmed up, and apparently that is true, as he completely works Cox, 21-4, I think. Hardaway is just hitting 3 after 3 after 3. Sick. And then comes Douchebag Paul Jene, who I wanted to like, but he just made it impossible. He works pretty well, but pokes Timmy in the eye. And then, we he loses, he actually throws the ball at Hardaway. You fucking classless punk! Did you really think you'd beat any former NBA'er in 1-on-1? Is it Hardaway's fault that you were so clearly wrong? Throw the ball away, fine. But to throw it at Tim is just classless. Chad, despite being housed, is the winner. He doesn't have to participate in the last preliminary challenge, which is bad news for Claude Lemieux, as he was looking forward to giving it to the little guy.

Challenge 3: 4 pucks, 4 Goals. The two Joes battling out for the last spot in Overtime are in a pickle--they each get four pucks--they start behind the goal, Lemieux is waiting for them a bit inside the blue line. Each puck gets scored by either the Joe, or Lemieux. Claude isn't allowed to make a move until the Joe touches a puck. Despite what seems like a ridiculous restriction on Claude, he completely destroyed Paul Jene (who had been talking about "slapping a frog around"). It could be that Claude broke Paul's spirit, when he high sticked him, and sent him sliding into the boards. Even against completely average dudes, Claude fights dirty. Claude sweeps Paul. Paul now needs Claude to sweep John Cox (who called Claude a scumbag--to his face!). Claude scores the first three goals without a problem. John makes a borderline miracle shot from almost mid-ice to sent Douchebag Paul Jene home to Milwaukee, where he will no doubt drown his sorrows in cheap beer, fried cheese curds, and girls with crimped hair from Waukesha.

Overtime! Googly Eyes Chad against Goofy Loser John Cox. remember, all challenges last no longer than 1 minute.

#1: Dribble Past Half Court Twice with Tim Hardaway defending. Chad goes first, and is about the same size as Tim, and has trouble keeping the ball away from Hardaway. He takes 37 seconds of uncontrolled mayhem to get to half court, and this observer was left wondering if Timmy was taking it a little easy on Chad. John, who is bigger is able to shield the ball from Tim, and makes his way across the midway point twice in 17 seconds. 20 second lead for the Cox!

#2: Field Balls hit to First Base. Will Clark makes his first actual performing appearance. Clark is the most "retired" looking of the bunch, and the fact that his event consists of throwing balls to himself to hit to first base suggests that Clark isn't in the best shape of his life. The Joes have to field his sharply hit grounders and then throw them into targets. Cox struggles with the fielding of the ball. He maxes out at 60 seconds, after having plenty of balls bounce of the heel of his glove. Googly-Eyed Chad has absolutely no trouble with the fielding, but has a hell of time throwing the balls into the targets (which are at 2nd base, 3rd base, and home plate). Chad particularly struggles with the throw to 3rd. It should be noted here that he throws like an athletic 12 year old girl. He maxes out as well. The Cox is still up by 20 seconds.

#3: Get the Puck Out of Here (that's my own title, and it's far better than what JvP came up with). Simple, almost Caveman like challenge here. We're back on ice. There's a puck in a face-off circle. The Joe just has to get it out of the circle. Claude is defending the puck. Both Joes accomplish this shockingly quickly. Cox in 26 seconds, Googly Eyes Chad in 18. The lead is down to 12 seconds! The last challenge will determine the winner.

#4: Defend 10 Lateral Yards: To my eyes, this seemed ridiculous. Kordell is firing passes at two targets, which are at most 10 yards apart. Kordell has to throw at these two targets. The Joe has to knock a pass away from one of the targets. That's it. Of course, in the final challenge, the Joe has to actually run about 50 yards to stop the clock. John is up to bat first, and he takes a while to knock down a pass, and then runs slowly to the finish line. 48 seconds! There is room for Chad to win this thing. Muppet Eyed Chad throws himself around a lot, showing that he is giving effort, even as he is draining clock. The TV view suggests that if a Joe just stood in front of one target, and presumed that Kordell would throw at the other one, this challenge could be won in about 10 seconds. But Chad does finally knock down a pass, and while it is clear he is hustling as hard as he can, it is also clear that isn't very fast. Chad loses by 3 seconds. Cox wins.

Another satisfying Pros vs. Joes completed. Next week: Roy Jones Jr. beats the crap out of some assholes.


Jess said...

I thought Pros vs. Joes would be ever so lame when I first heard about it last year. However, after reading your take on the show, I think I need to watch it.

I love to see douchebags get their comeuppance.

Big Blue Monkey said...

And that is indeed what the show is about. It is hilarious when guys who are only 34 years old talk about how they can take washed-up athletes--as if 34 is a prime age.

34 is washed up! And yet somehow, these clowns think they can compete with a 36 year old, who has been retired for a few years.

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