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Portugal 1, Germany 3 --Third Place Match

With a score like that, you may well assume that Germany dominated. And, brother, your stupid assuming stuff has finally paid off, because the Hun most certainly did dominate.

Aging Scary-Man Oliver Kahn was in the nets for the Krauts, while Portugal stuck with Ricardo. Both of these teams gave up very few goals throughout the tournament, and Portugal has been struggling to score, so the stage was set for a low-scoring possibly ugly affair.

Perhaps surprisingly in a match this high scoring, there were no goals in the first half, though both goalkeepers were tested. Though most of Portugal's chances in the first half either were wide or high of the net, Pauleta also managed a shot that would have been quite deadly had it not been right at Kahn. Ricardo was definitely a bit more tested, having to tip a shot or two over the crossbar.

Christiano Ronaldo finished off his Ill Will tour with another showboating, dive-filled, whiny titty baby match. He's got to calm down his theatrics. He's a fantastically gifted player that teams would pay out the ass to get, if he weren't such a fucking dick on the pitch. At one point, he took a dive, and the replay showed him not getting hit. As he launched himself into the air, he actually turned his head to look at the referee to see if he had sold him on his foul. I've seen hits that make dudes fly in the air, I've been on the receiving end and the giving end a couple of times. I've never seen anyone know exactly where the ref is and to watch him. If you are legitimately fouled, you are usually a bit surprised, and you just make sure you land correctly. Ronaldo didn't do any of that, because he wasn't surprised, he knew he was going to jump and how he was going to land. It was laughable. The replay was priceless, and will probably be on YouTube as part of their growing Ronaldo is a cunt meme being nurtured by Rooney fans. Stay Classy, England!

Anyway. 2nd half is when the Germans turned the spigot on. Bastian Schweinsteiger (certainly on the First Team of Names for this Cup) turned inside from the left side, where Petit (a second half sub who was about to have a very bad 45 minutes) was a bit slow or overly cautious in closing on him, Schweinsteiger ended up pushing the ball about one more time, into almost the middle of the field, before ripping a shot that completely confused Ricardo--he went one way, then the other, and the ball ended up going right through his outstretched arms.

Five minutes later, Schweinsteiger took a free kick that got deflected into the Portugese goal by the foreshadowed hard luck story, Petit. Own goal to Portugal, embarassed smiles Schweinstieger, high jumping for Klinsmann and his dark haired clothing doppelganger on the sidelines. Who is that dude, anyway? Are the Germans really so regimented that the coaches have to wear the exact same dress shirt/pant combo? That's weird. They remind me of Team Guido from the first season of the Amazing Race.

After a couple of decent chances for Portugal, which again were pretty much either right at Kahn, or wide (though he did have a very nice save on a Deco shot, that had it gone in, might have changed the complexion of the game completely), Schweinsteiger and Petit had one more run in. Schweinsteiger had the ball at about 25 yards out, in the middle of the field, and he was dribbling with some pace. Petit stayed in front of him, but never actually went to challenge him. He was a solid 3 yards away from him, when Schweinsteiger decided to rip an unstoppable shot.

Portugal's goal came long after the game was decided, in the 88th minute, coming from some substitutes who maybe should have started. Figo served a perfect cross to Nuno Gomes (who my Portugese speaking sources tell me is pronounced much closer to Gomez, than to the Harkes/ Dellacamera pronunciation, which was like if you had 1 Gome, and then added another Gome. Two Gomes, if you will. Anyway, Nuno Gomes, thanks to Figo's perfect ball, had an easy header past Kahn, to ruin his clean sheet (Kahn still looked a little pissed about it at the end of the match). Kahn will probably wait two years, and then fill Nuno Gomes' cereal boxes with tiny, super sharp pieces of glass. The Kahn Will Have His Revenge. KAHHHHHHNN!