Sunday, July 02, 2006

NBA Draft 2006 stars in Glengarry Glen Ross

For the purposes of this, let's assume a couple of things:
1) It isn't just a big set up for an obvious joke (it is, but let's assume it isn't. It may grow to be more than that. Like how "The Price is Right" isn't just a gameshow. It started out as one, and now is a cultural landmark. This is starting as a one note joke, but could become quite sophisticated. You don't know that it won't.

So, let's take some major players in the NBA Draft, and cast them in Glengarry Glen Ross. Seems appopriate, as both involve desperate men looking to make a deal that will make them rich, and they aren't afraid to do what appears to be crazy things to get that deal.

Shelley "The Machine" Levene. Portrayed in the movie by Jack Lemmon. A former all star in the office, he's been on a streak of bad luck, or diminishing skills. Is having problems at home which are reflecting on his recent poor performance. Is completely convinced he can turn it all around with one big, surprising move.

Choice Line: What the hell are you? You're a fuckin' secretary. Fuck you. That's my message to ya: fuck you and you can kiss my ass and if you don't like it baby.

NBA Draft Actor: Isiah Thomas

Ricky Roma. Portrayed by Al Pacino. Roma has been selling like crazy, making everyone else look bad in comparison. He's the darling of the front office. His job is safe; so safe that he can be nice to down and out Shelley and rip into the boss with impunity. He's too successful at his job to be dismissed. His tactics are sketchy, and a bit theatrical, but he is successful, and making money for the organization. He may look to force another man to get fired.

Choice Line: You're fucking shit. Where did you learn your trade, you stupid fucking cunt, you idiot? Who ever told you that you could work with men? Oh, I'm gonna have your job, shithead.

NBA Draft Actor: Pat Riley

Dave Moss. Portrayed by Ed Harris. All bark, no bite. He makes a lot of noise, complains loudly, but is easily cowed by more assertive men. Not good at his job, and everyone knows it. Not liked by his co-workers, either.

Choice Line: That guy's a fuckin' asshole. Anybody who talks to that asshole is a fuckin' asshole.

NBA Draft Actor: Steven A. Smith

George Aaronow: Portrayed by Alan Arkin. Easily manipulated. Weak. Uncertain of where he belongs; needs money like all the rest of the cast, but is willing to let the others complain. Can be talked into very bad ideas, pretty easily. Still, surprisingly good at his job.

Choice Line: When I talk to the police I get nervous.

NBA Draft Actor: J.J. Redick

John Williamson: Portrayed by Kevin Spacey. Company man. Seems inept, and is, on occasion. But he still is prety smart, and is willing to hurt people because he doesn't like the way they act. He could be a figurehead, he could be the actual power behind everything. Hard to tell. The people he claims to represent never appear. Easily angered by the suggestion he doesn't know the game, but is skilled at administration, and will hurt you. Deals with insuborination poorly.

Choice Line: Will you go to lunch? Go to lunch. WILL you GO to LUNCH?

NBA Draft Actor: David Stern


Blake: Portrayed by Alec Baldwin (in his finest performance, ever. (Aside from that SNL where he got to say, "I know the Chinese women have sideways vaginas"). Blake is the shock to the system of everyone else. He's there to let them know they suck, and he's better, and has the expensive accessories to show that it is true. The experienced people in the office have never heard of him, though. Is he all bluster? It still works, if you are willing to bullshit a position of power.

Choice Line: That watch costs more than you car. I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing.

NBA Draft Actor: Rudy Gay

1 comment:

Nyssa23 said...

(Saw this on Deadspin, had to check it out.)

That is absolutely fuckin' brilliant. I love this movie and I love this analogy! Especially the David Stern-John Williamson thing.

Seriously. You win at life. I'm going to be laughing about this one all week.