Thursday, July 27, 2006

Handicapping the 2016 Olympic Hopefuls! (City Edition)

You, US citizen, may still be reeling from NYC's embarrassing failure to reel in the 2012 Summer Olympics (for some reason, the US' chances were never considered good. Apparently, there is ill will towards us internationally? What? When'd that happen? Also, it didn't help the New York presentation consisted of simply saying "9/11 changed everything" over and over again)

Well, rest assured, the United States Olympic Committee is managing the run-up to the onset of the preparation of the beginning of the bidding for 2016 in a very hands on fashion. In fact, they did the world a favor, and eliminated Houston from contention. Not that running a marathon in the middle of fucking July in Houston wouldn't be fun, or anything. And Lord knows, when you think of cities that happily greet foreigners, Houston has to finish in the top 10 or so in Texas. But the USOC decided that Houston did not past muster. No word yet whether Texas will form their own Olympic Committee and compete for the spot as The Republic of BowieHouston.

Ah, but our finalists for the US' bid, if the US decides to bid (this is all pretty preliminary, as you may have already sussed out, Reading-for-context skilled visitor.)

Chicago, San Francisco, Los Angeles. We will now handicap each city's chance to become the USOC's choice to get behind. If you get better odds, gamble them.

Chicago: Simply the finest city on the southern shore of Lake Michigan. You heard me Gary, Indiana!

1) A big city, rich in cultural activities, sure to impress all those international dickheads who will be flooding the city. Also, home to the first documented serial killer in US history! Awesome!

2) A citizenry with a rich tradition of rabidly supporting even the most perennially poorly managed, underachieving, sports franchises for decades without abandoning hope. They will clearly be able to form bonds with Finland's 4 X 100 team, or Ghana's 10m Diving Team, or whatever. And they will actually be disappointed when those teams don't win.

3) Hot and heavy cetacean fucking. Surely, the Shedd Aquarium, realizing the market for cute baby whales and shit, will by 2016 be just a cute sea baby making factory. And you can't make cute sea babies without serious cetacean fucking. And Europeans are into that shit. They're into all sorts of shit. They're sick fucks, is what I'm saying.

1) The citizenry consider "Hey, Douchebag" to be a friendly international greeting.

2) Easy to imagine scenarios in which athletes sampling local cuisine become too drunk and fat to compete in their events.

3) Summer in Chicago is stickier and sweatier than a sumo wrestler's mawashi in a sauna. Unpleasant.

Heartwarming Olympic Torch Lighter:
Michael Jordan, out of hiding after several years, when it was disclosed in 2011 that he had lost all of his millions on hookers, gambling and blow. Everyone watching tears up looking at the shattered husk of the man as he shuffles up the stairs, thinking, "Jesus Christ, just how much fun did that man have?"

Odds: 7 to 2

San Francisco: A wonderful city. Clean, quiet, well-dressed. A nice city. Why hasn't it found a nice lady city to settle down with yet? His roommate San Jose is nice, too.

1) Could be just the fan base that Greco-Roman wrestling needs to reach. (last gay joke, I promise)

2) Liberal enough for those god-hating secularists of old Europe to have a good time. If skateboarding has been added by 2016 (why wouldn't it be, given current trends?) expect a startingly high proportion of the teams to have glaucoma sufferers on their squad.

3) Who doesn't want to see a marathon that features Lombard Street? Take that, you overly healthy sons of bitches. Make them run up it twice! I hope you get Jim Fixxed! I promise to drink a beer and smoke a cigarette in rememberance of you, Marathon runner.

1) Emperor Bush would almost certainly be against handing one of the hotbeds of the Rebel Alliance such a coup. He and his Freedom Troopers would probably threaten any nation that attended with the awesome democratizing force of the FreedomStar in orbit around the planet. It's not a moon.

2) Temperature may be a bit unpredictable. As Mark Twain once said, "The coldest winter I've ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." It was considered funny in the 19th century. We've come a lot way since then, haven't we, Larry the Cable Guy? Git er Done!

3) The cryogenically frozen head of Bill Walsh is going to think he knows how to do everything himself.

Heartwarming Olympic Torch Lighter:
Barry Bonds, in his 30th and last year of major league baseball, and recently passing both Josh Gibson and Sadaharu Oh on the homerun list. Despite well documented claims by the Fox-CBS-NBC-Disney-NY Times media conglomerate (aka "What To Think, Inc.") that his newest training regimen consists of drinking baby's blood and exposing himself to high levels of gamma radiation, the San Francisco fans still love him in all his Green-skinned, baby eating glory. He still hits dingers!

Odds: 3 to 1

Los Angeles, "The City of Angels" : the least apt named city in America!

1) They've done it before. Twice. 1932 and 1984. That's gotta count for something, right? Right?

2) A willingness to bulldoze any poor neighborhood to build absolutely anything. Raze this well-planned affordable housing project in central L.A. to put in a Doggie Daycare the likes of which this planet has never seen? Consider it done--yesterday, baby.

3) What better way to celebrate human's potential for achievement than holding the event in a city that would be an affront to God himself, if He/She/It were to exist? James Ellroy will be on hand to record audio guides to the city. He has agreed to do so for free, as long as he can use the following words: "Fuck", "pederast", "Panty-sniffer", "nigger", "Ofay", "jizz", "hinky", "Johnny Stompanato" and the sentence "When Pete Bondurant cracked his knuckles it carried the sound and menace of a forest fire."

1) Shit, they've had it twice before. What are we, Australia? We've got more than 2 fucking cities that can hold a Summer Olympics.

2) May be destroyed by a North Korean missle by the time 2016 rolls around. Hell, 2008 is looking a little sketchy.

3) We need more time to make the city presentable. 10 years is not enough notice.

Heartwarming Olympic Torch Bearer:
We've run a couple of options through the focus groups, and we've got some really exciting cross-generational appeals that we think we'll be able to vertically integrate throughout the market. Amongst all genders, all races, ages 45 on up, the Digital Holograph of Jesse Owens tested through the roof. It's a very exciting market, but we're unsure about his appeal to the younger generation. If you want to capture all segments of the youth movement, we suggest Suri Cruise and Shiloh Pitt-Jolie carrying the torch together, finally putting to rest that bloody mini-riot from 2015.

But if you really want to blow the demographics up, and really, baby, the sponsors are clamoring for exactly this. Picture it: Suri and Shiloh, one hand each on the torch, and one hand resting on the shoulder of Vladimir Guerrero, who is in turn riding piggy-back on a giant Mickey Mouse. It's golden. The contracts are ready for signing--BK and Mickey D's are fighting for the Drink Cup concession. We've got Nicholas Cage ready to play all 4 characters for the movie version, we've got Michael Bay willing to direct, and this is where it gets sweet, we've got this genuis recluse, Alan Smitee to write the screenplay.--Millions in the offing. [SNNNNFFFF] Oh, sorry--want a bump?

Without Weinstein influence:10 to 1
With Weinstein influence: 2 to 1

1 comment:

Don said...


May I suggest a link related to the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games?

Our site:

Title: Beijing Olympics

Please let me know if you want a link back.
Many thanks for your reply.

Best Regards,

[email protected]