Saturday, July 22, 2006

Data Mining the Skin's Cheerleaders Bio, Part Zwei

How come no one ever uses German numbers in sequels? They're as good as any other numbers!
Part 2: Favorite Sayings (part 1: Favorite Books, here)

I feel a little bad about having stripped the favorite sayings as the second part of the my data mining experiment on the Washington Redskin Cheerleader site. As I've been putting the various sayings/quotes into categories, it has forced me to think what I would put down. Now, I have been on the planet more than most of the DC cheerleaders (not all of them, though) and I studied things in college that would make me a prime candidate to come up with a pithy/wise/brilliant quote--my double barreled shotgun of education was English and Religious Studies. I've been exposed to more brilliant lines of prose and poetry and faith than my co-poster Chato has been exposed to types of VD. But if someone asked me for a single quote to sum up my attitude, depending on the day, it could just as easily be a Coen Brothers quote as something mindblowing from The Bhagavad-Gita. One day it could be, "A doughnut with no holes is a danish." The next it could be, "Religion is the opiate of the masses". So, I regret boiling down these presumably smart, insightful women to their one off selection the day the Washington brass circulated their surveys, and presumably said something like, "Fill this out or you're fired. Don't forget to get your pussies waxed before the Charity Event this week. Some of you look like fucking jungles down there. Carry on."

I think sayings are a little more fluid than books, and I have no pity for the woman who thought the most important book in her life was "Dogs for Dummies". That's admitting so many things at once that the mind boggles. Your favorite book is "for Dummies", for example. It's right in the title. And it wasn't Shakespeare for Dummies, or Nuclear Physics for Dummies. It was fucking Dogs for Dummies. Dogs are pretty dumb. I mean, Christ, that's the most important book you've ever read? Jesus, the woman who picked "The Giving Tree" just lapped you on the intellectual track.

Anyway, back to the Sayings/Quotes section. Though, I have to admit, it is really difficult to blog when Fox Movie Channel is showing "Die Hard" uncut. Maybe my saying would be "No fucking shit lady, does it sound like I'm ordering a fucking pizza?"

So, methodology, once again--40 cheerleaders, 40 responses. I've chosen the categories to divide them into. Once again, if you don't like my categories, or my choices of what goes where, feel free to comment, but feel more free to start your own blog, your lazy motherfucker. though in this case, we have 41 responses, because I'm so flummoxed by one saying that I had to put it in two places. But when determining percentages, I'll stick with using 40 as the total amount. We'll have quotes from Helen Keller, Neitzsche, Saint Paul, The Shawshank Redemption and a bunch from that old talker, Anonymous.

OK, enough foreplay, let's get fuckin'. (hey, maybe that would be my saying)

Category 1: No response at all
Washington Cheerleaders: 2
Percentage: 5%
Interesting, the two cheerleaders who did not have a favorite book did have favorite sayings, and conversely, the two cheerleaders who did not have favorite sayings had favorite books: The Color Purple, and The DaVinci Code. What, "We have to get to the library, fast" didn't resonate? And I've read The Color Purple, and there is plenty to quote, dammit. I'm shocked by the idea of an intellectually lazy cheerleader.

Category 2: Be an Indivdual, Says the Lady who Wears the Same Skintight Uni as 39 Other Women.
Washington Cheerleaders: 1
Percentage: 2.5%
Perhaps unsurprisingly, noncomformity isn't a big focus amongst cheerleaders. At least not explicit noncomformity.
Key Quote: "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

Category 3: Jesus Saves!
Washington Cheerleaders: 4
Percentage: 10%
Percentage of Quotes that are Philipians 4:13: 75%
The Bible is a more popular quote machine than book. Only one Cheerleader (Chastity, duh) selected The Bible as a favorite book. But Philipians 4:13 was picked 3 times (once by Chastity) and 2 Corinthians 4:17 also made an appearance. I think it worth noting that not a single quoter of the Bible selected Jesus' words. They picked crazy ass Paul. Probably a post for another blog, but Paul was a fucking crazy ass bastard, convinced the world would end in his lifetime. And his vision of Christianity is far more dominant than any of Jesus' actual followers (you know, assuming he existed and had followers, and all that).
Key Quote: "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13 (It should be noted that this category could have been rolled into another category--guess which one!)

Category 4: Life is Fun, if You Want it to Be!
Washington Cheerleaders: 8
Percentage: 20%
The Highest Percentage of Cheerleaders turned out for this one. Cheerleaders love life! I bet in their online ads, they mention that they love to laugh, too. As if there are people who really dislike laughing, or life. God, I hate life. I would just like to quash it, preferably in the womb. Which is why I'm pro-choice. Though I like to think of it as pro-death. I hate babies and life so much! But not these ladies, they love life!
Key Quote: It's difficult to come up with a key quote, because we have 8 cheerleaders, and 8 different quotes, and while they all are somewhat similar, it is hard to pick one, and use that as the defining quote. I'll pick one from our winner for Smartest Book--Anabel, who said this: "Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things". I may love her. Though of course, if she really isn't interested in petting sweaty things, our love won't last long.

Category 5: Effort is the Key, or The Lutheran Work Effort Rocks
Washington Cheerleaders: 4
Percentage: 10%
There are two subgroups here. One is that effort will be rewarded, and the other is that effort itself, whether it fails or not, is a reward in itself. Or as a group of Germans once said, "Arbeit Macht Frei". Are these Cheerleaders Nazis? I don't know that they aren't.
Key Quote: "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you will land among the stars."

Category 6: Cheerleading is Dancing, and Dancing Is Important
Washington Cheerleaders: 1
Percentage: 2.5%
Dancing makes an appearance in quite a few cheerleader's comments, but for the most part, it is used as a metaphor for being free with one's life. Not here--this about how dancers are better than atheletes, and better than artists. It is a self-serving quote, and I respect that.
Key Quote: "It takes an athlete to dance, but an ARTIST to be a dancer."

Category 7: The Golden Rule
Washington Cheerleaders: 4
Percentage: 10%
Percentage of Cheerleaders who used the classic Golden Rule line 75%
I won't mock anyone who makes the Golden Rule a central part of their life. It is the most basic expression of human decency available out there. If everyone actually lived by the Golden Rule, we would be doing OK. Of course, people who live by the Golden Rule get their money stolen, get their children stolen from them, and generally speaking, are considered "rubes". You've taken advantage of someone who lived by the Golden Rule--admit it. You found some Flanders and worked him over.
Key Quote: The expanded Golden Rule, posited, of course, by the woman whose favorite book is Dogs for Dummies. "Treat people the way you want to be treated, and most importantly, treat animals the way you want to be treated."

Category 8: Advice and Stuff
Washington Cheerleaders: 3
Percentage: 7.5%
Honesty. Love. Grabbing your Life by the balls. Whatever. This is the melange group. And really, in terms of life quotes, they are a bit lacking. But whatever, I shan't judge the quotes. If they really work for the people who quote them, that's good enough for me. But really, is anyone inspired by:
Key Quote: "Honesty is the Best Policy."

Category 9: True If You Ignore Real Life, or "Cancer doesn't affect Good People."
Washington Cheerleaders: 7
Percentage: 17.5%

Percentage that say "Everything happens for a reason"--42.8%
This category is all about karma, or how people who do good things get rewarded at some point, or some other bullshit meant to keep the revolution down. It may be the single most infuriating idea for me. It's nonsensical, it's counter-productive. I think every person who honestly believes that "Good Things Happen to Good People" effectively sets us back about 100 years. Good things happen to bad people, all the fucking time. Um, Donald Trump. QED, motherfuckers. I've learned that people don't know what QED means, so I'll state it here--Quad Erat Demonstratum. Thus It Is Proven. If you have paid attention in High School Geometry, you'd know that, lazy ass.

Key Quote: Everything Happens for a Reason.

Category 10: Life Might Sometimes Suck, but Enjoy the Good Parts.
Washington Cheerleaders: 7
Percentage: 17.5%
This is a pretty existential look at life, sometimes overly romantic, sometimes overly cynical, but something I can get behind. If one has studied enough Existentialism, one knows it doesn't have to be the atheistic brand of Camus or Sartre--Kierkegaard's Leap of Faith being a fine example of Theistic Existentialism. We see both kinds here and a few examples of nonreligous existentialism. the only real person quoted is Helen Keller, and she is full of God's love in that quote. I don't want to be a wet blanket (of course I do), but I have to assume that quote comes from before Helen grew up and became a huge communist, worker-rights radical. Quoting Helen Keller is great, and much better than quoting, say, Paul. But it is rare when the person quoting Helen Keller knows a damn thing about her besides the fact that she was blind and deaf. I find that irksome.

Key Quote: "Get busy living or get busy dying." -- The Shawshank Redemption

Favorite Quote: as much as we'd love to pick Anabel again, for her line about not petting the sweaty things, we should pick someone else. And really, anyone who picks Angry German Philosophers as their quote, we respect.

Give it up for Shaina (whose favorite book was also all about seeing things before you die. She's consistent!)

We will be looking into getting interviews with Anabel and Shaina. We will most likely fail, but we will try.

All the Quotes:

Category 2:
"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

Category 3:
"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
" I can do all things through Christ which strengthen me." -- Philp. 4;13 KJV.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" -- 2 Corinthians 4:17

Category 4
"Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like no one is watching."
"Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things"
"Don't worry about money; the best things in life are free."
"Don't miss the small joys in life while searching for the big ones."
We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."
"Do not dwell on the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."
"Do not dwell on that over which you have no control. What's meant to be will be"

Category 5:
"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you will land among the stars."
"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you will land among the stars."
"You never know until you try."
You can do anything you set your mind to do!"

Category 6:
"It takes an athlete to dance, but an ARTIST to be a dancer."

Category 7:
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
"Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you."
"Treat people the way you want to be treated, and most importantly, treat animals the way you want to be treated."

Category 8:
"Honesty is the best policy."
"There is only one happiness in life, and that is to love and be loved."
"The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own."

Category 9:
Everything Happens for a Reason.
"There is a reason for all things. Faith means we don't always have to have the answer."
"God will never give you more than you can handle."
"Everything happens for a reason"
"What goes around comes around."
If it's meant to be, it will be. Everything happens for a reason.
"Do not dwell on that over which you have no control. What's meant to be will be"

Category 10
"The really blessed people do not necessarily have the best of everything, they are the ones who make the most of whatever life throws at them."
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
"If at first you don't succeed, try harder."
"Get busy living or get busy dying." -- The Shawshank Redemption
"Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance!"
"Life is like a dance, you learn as you go."
"It's wonderful to climb the liquid mountains of the sky--behind me and before me is God and I have no fears." (Helen Keller)


Muumuuman said...

I believe your current chain of postings may have labeled as a potential stalker. Let the TRO's come rolling in....

Your Superior said...

I find you tiresome. Get back to your register at Sunglass Hut before I call the authorities.

Bob said...

It's "quod erat demonstrandum" (not "demonstratum"). If you're going to be superior you need to at least be accurate.

Garwood B. Jones said...

Wow. "Your Superior" and "Bob" sure seem angry.

I'm shocked that no one came up with "I beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible you may be mistaken."

Oh, Oliver Cromwell!