Wednesday, July 18, 2007

New Cheating at the Tour de France

We all knew it would happen. The Tour would finally clamp down on the doping and the drug use, and the teams would just find new ways to cheat. A dance not new to any sport, but no sport dances so publicly as our two-wheeled warriors.

And, so perhaps we all knew, deep in our hearts, even as the Pre Tour blood tests all came back negative, that something new would enter the game. Something unholy.

As the sun dawned on Stage 9, the riders from 3 teams, 25 men in all, still tested negative. "Surely," I can hear you readers exclaim, "this Tour that was once saturated with cheating men is finally, much like Chris Elliot's Pipes in Cabin Boy, clean!"

First of all, readers, excellent Cabin Boy reference.

Second of all, readers, you are Pie-In-the-Sky optimists, starry-eyed behind your rose-colored glasses. Yes, the men are clean. But you don't need a man to cheat. I'm blowing this fucking conspiracy out of the fucking water.

Consider for your pleasure (or is it your horror?)

Item 1: In 2004, The US Post Office suddenly realized that maybe spending money on a bicycle team wasn't the best use of its resources. In June of 2004, The Discovery Channel acquired the team. Every jingoistic AmericApe applauds the sinister cable giant for their largess in keeping Tour winner, cancer-beater and star-fucker Lance Armstrong's team alive, simply because the man and the entity are American based, never knowing what terror has been unleashed on the world.

Item 2: Animal Planet is co-owned by BBC Worldwide and The Discovery Channel.

Item 3: Starting in January 2005, a mere 7 months after The Discovery Channel absorbed the US Postal bicycle team, Discovery Channel subsidiary (or puppet?) Animal Planet ran the first Puppy Bowl.

Item 4: The Mainstream Media would have you believe that the Puppy Bowl served only as counter-programming entertainment against the Super Bowl, but is it? What if is a concerted effort by The Discovery Octopus to train puppies to interact with human sporting endeavors? We've already seen long-jumping dogs, obstacle course running dogs, frisbee catching dogs, bowling dogs and who could blame a fat, drunk and complacent America for not seeing a danger in football being added to the list?

Item 5: Dogs can get fat quick, because they will eat anything.

Item 6: Back in 1834, the Illuminati discussed dogs that would be the best to carry out nefarious plots. They were looking for a loyal, pliant dog that would carry orders no matter how evil, but would always be considered too stupid to have evil in its heart. Amongst the Top 3? The Golden Labrador, if my decrypted translation is correct.

Item 7: After a power struggle at the Discovery Channel, the new leadership announced they would discontinue sponsoring the team. Perhaps, insiders postulate, if the team can win the Tour de France, the new Discovery Channel will reconsider their decision. Allegedly, Operation Canis Omega is launched--a plan so secret that Google has no record of it!

We're through the Looking Glass, people.

Watch as the plan of the Illuminati/Discovery Channel/Evil Fattened Labrador is put into action, and please note that the rider is on the payroll of T-Mobile, which has been battling with the scions of Discovery since the days of Amonhotep IV.


lbutler36 said...

Lance Armstrong returned from France a Cabin Man

Big Blue Monkey said...

El-Butt, you are precisely the type of commenter that would get that reference!

Miwacar said...

I love how that tire crumples in hitting the pooch. Less about the contact and more about what those tires are made of these days.

As for the post, Big BM your uber-geekiness flows wonderfully here and it smells like pizza rolls and chocolate milk.

Jess said...

I'm sorry. I drifted off once you mentioned The Puppy Bowl.

Anonymous said...

Love the "f**k you" look on the dog after it gets back up.

Consider it retaliation for the Vick thingy. Dogs are pissed at athletes, even numbnuts who ride bicycles. I'm looking forward to the video of a rottweiler chomping on the shriveled testes of Barry Bonds.

Andrew Wice said...

First you attack Vick for harmlessly raising fighting dogs.

Then you go after Barry "Asterisk" Bonds and his tiny, shriveled testicles.

Racism ain't just a river in Egypt, anonymous.