This is an exciting partnership, but our average sportsreader may wonder why we are covering such an auspicious marriage. We are doing so for two reasons: Governor Allen is bringing his love of sports into the political arena (something we admit we are prone to do on occasion). His book will be called The Triumph of Character: What Washington Can Learn From the World of Sports.
Secondly, using our connections in the publishing world, and the world of Virginia politics, we've been able to get our hands on some early drafts of the book. To be fair, the book isn't due to be published for another year, and there is probably still some polish to be applied to some tarnished prose, but we hope you'll get a flavor of the gist of the taste of the book here. In some cases, we were only allowed to see a paragraph here or there, with some editing marks, but if we may say so, it's coming together quite nicely. We're quite excited to present these squeezings from the mindgrapes of one of the most prominent Virginians ever to be unfairly defeated by Jim Webb (VA Senator--Dem/Socialist). Please, enjoy:
My staff, and my constituents, have always enjoyed the degree to which I use sports metaphors. Some find it helpful, some find it a little confusing, but they always enjoy them. So I will attempt to split the uprights with this book, explaining how sports can teach Washington.
Chapter 1: Running the Ground Game.
A lot of liberals played soccer as kids, and even now, currying favor with the Latinos that will make up their future revolution (as much as I admire the Latinos--it isn't their fault they are being lied to by the likes of Jon Stewart and The Entire Obama Family (I'm looking at you, Sasha)) call their sport "futbol", a clear perversion of our American Football. So while Jon Stewart was playing "futbol" in his Ivory Tower, Multi-Cultural, Elitist William and Mary, I was playing real American Football at the public, egalitarian University of Virginia.
And my lesson from that time is one every Football Coach (including, obviously, my father, NFL Hall of Fame Coach, George Allen) knows--hit the ground running. Run the Ground Game. Do the basics. For example, if you are thinking of being a coach, or a Representative of the People of Your State, consider seriously being the son of a beloved coach. Look at Bobby Bowden, and his kids--Terry, Tommy, and Jeff. They've all had great success, at some point, coaching. If I were looking for a coach, I'd be looking for a guy who had Bowden genes. But don't think that if you are the son of a beloved coach, you have to coach--in fact, I'm living proof that you don't have to go into the family business (which, frankly, is a lot of work). You can also run for Governor, assuming your dad is famous enough. If I were you, and not me, I'd seriously consider being the grandson of Vince Lombardi. In Connecticut, you should be the son of Jim Calhoun. In North Carolina, consider being the son of Dean Smith.
Of course, you don't have to be the son of a famous coach to win an election, but it helps, and if you think you know how to change Washington, when you are just the son of some guy who isn't famous for coaching sports, than you are part of the problem. You should drop out of the race and let either an athlete or his (or, sure, "her") child win. They know better than you.
You hear me Jim Webb? Do you fucking hear me?
Chapter Four: Playing Defense
It's a natural part of Washington--the press, you see, are nerds, former and current asthmatics who want nothing more than a chance to either befriend the stud (that's me, and possibly you, reader) or make out with the cheerleader (Marilyn Quayle jumps to mind, but that's just me). If they don't get to do either, those nerds turn into a traitorous bunch, bent on bringing you down to make themselves feel better.
So be prepared--that press corps who worships you is plotting against you. And that's a problem. Just look what happened to me. I was minding my own business, when I accidently used what was an apparently racist word to describe an Indian (Gandhi Indian, not Crazy Horse Indian). I thought I was using a nonsense word to describe him. And suddenly, the press, a School of Nerd Pirahnas, was all over me.
They paid money, I'm sure, to three white former teammates to say that I used the word "nigger" regularly, and that I went out of my way to stuff a dead deer's head into a black person's mailbox. Which is of course silly. How does a Completely Innocent Person defend that? You play defense. And you just hope that the Washington Press Corps learns from its mistakes, and stops publishing stories that are sourced by three different people, and takes its cues from the man in charge, like a sports team would. Hey press corps--we are all on the same team, and that's Team America.
When you publish bad stories about me, and allow Closet Sheep-Fuckers like Jim Webb to get elected, you fuck us all like "Senator" Jim Webb would a sheep.
Chapter 10: Conclusions
1. When truly great people are denied Washington, like myself, it is because we were mistreated. When will White Governors who are the sons of Beloved Sports Figures get a Fair Break? WHEN? When will we learn from sports, and judge politicians on
my their merits?
2. Speaking of sports, a lot of talk is flying around about baseball stars being juiced. I personally don't believe that great Americans like Mark McGuire or Brady Anderson would ever use drugs to get ahead. Sad to say, but I am quite ready to believe that people like Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, and Rafael Palmeiro did. Call it a gut feeling. And Barack Obama is the Barry Bonds of politics. He's clearly juiced, politically speaking, and the press is turning a blind eye.
And you know what? I'm pretty sure that Jim Webb is literally juiced on roids. Look at that guy! He's way too cut to be natural!
3. Soccer, or "futbol" are Democrats, looking to change our American Way of Football into something with "finesse" and "touch" and "Brazilian free-form". I don't know what that last one means, but based on what Brazilians did to my wife, I want no part on their way of life. Soccer, you see, is a game of the underclass, the immigrant, the dirty, the impure. Mark Sanford went to Argentina to experience that sort of fluid movement of balls, and he hasn't been the same since. I mourn our Conservative Loss. It is a beguiling sort of sport, but it isn't American. Real Americans know what to do with balls--we pass them deep, we dunk them with authority, we hit them sharply to left field; we don't push them around, looking for an opening. American politics needs to learn from American Balls before it sucks on the European/Brazilian ball teat.
In conclusion, Washington needs Legacy Hires. Washington needs a bit of protectionism. Washington needs to be able to cheat. Washington needs to hit balls hard. Washington needs to ignore uppity teammates of color (like Iraq, India, China, Japan, Africa, etc). Washington needs to play to win! If Washington plays to win, it can not lose.