I Dislike Your Favorite Team

I came late to the beauty of Pros vs. Joes. Will, over at Deadspin, has some thoughts on the concept of Pros vs. Joes, which are depressing and sad, and I have chosen to pretty much ignore them. This is after Will gets a chance to get his head palmed by Andre Rison, just because Will established and writes a "respected" and "read" blog! Smacks of favoritism, dammit! Is this country devolving into a meritocracy all of a sudden? I call bullshit!

Anywho. Tonight was the premiere of the second season of Pros vs. Joes and they fucking tweaked the format, just as I was becoming the nation's leading expert on the first season format. It appears the weird contests (like outshooting Muggsey Bogues whilst standing on a slow spinning platform, or outshooting Clyde Drexler on a fucking Ice Hockey rink) are gone. That's a shame. Seeing Drexler on skates changed my life for the better. They've also reduced the number of pro athletes taking part, reducing the jock count from 5 to 4. I have no opinion as of yet as to what I think of these changes.

The important elements are still there--and that is three undeservedly cocky dudes from somewhere who think they can fuck up old retired athletes. That's what makes the show. It wouldn't be the same show if you dug up guys like me, who on their audition tape said things like, "Look, I was a halfway decent athlete in college, but that was Division III, and I was only halfway decent, and no way I can hang with pros, I don't care how long they've been retired." That would not do at all. Pros vs. Joes is still digging up guys who say things like, "I'm 34 years old, and I know I can take some washed up professional athlete. I'm great at all sports."

What I like to call douchebags. And just like last year, there were three of them--Dawan (a stand-up "comic" who did nothing intentionally funny in the hour), Jay who could have been a pro, and Aaron, who promised to "fuck you guys up!"

The pros were Jose Canseco, Ultimate Fighter Legend Randy Couture, Kevin Willis (whose career NBA numbers are shockingly impressive), and Michael Irvin.

Challenge 1: Defend Michael Irvin

Simple enough--there's a quarterback throwing passes to Irvin--keep him from scoring a touchdown on the play (I think they were about 20 yards out). Each "Joe" has 3 chances to defend Irvin. "Joe" Jay wins this challenge because the QB throws a bad pass, even though Irvin is open by about 10 yards, and Irvin then stumbles on another of his routes.

Best Moment: Irvin beats Aaron badly over the middle--he could easily continue his run to the far sideline and waltz into the end zone. Instead, he stops, spins, and runs in the other direction, just for the chance to make Aaron look stupid. Aaron tackles him well after Irvin scores the TD. Irvin gets up, laughs, and then pats Aaron on the ass. And keeps his hand on Aaron's ass for an amount of time that would definitely have to be considered uncomfortable. Hilarious.

It should be noted that Irvin isn't any more intelligible on this show than he is on NFL pregame work.

Challenge 2: Don't Tap Out to Randy Couture

Again, a pretty straightforward challenge. 5 minutes in the Octogan. Person who taps out to Randy the least wins. Randy is apparently the dude all the Joes were least happy to see when the Pros were introduced at the beginning of the show. He's 43 years old, retired from the UFC for awhile now, but he's still built like a brick shithouse. Even the other Pros look a little apprehensive about what he might do to the Joes.

What he does, over the course of 15 minutes, is get them all to tap out a lot. Aaron gets fucked up the most (and possibly not coincidentally, he had to go first, assuming Spike isn't editing the shit out of this shit). Aaron taps 8 times in 5 minutes. Jay taps 6 times, and it looks like Dawan is going to win this thing, with only 5 taps in 4 minutes, but surrenders two in the final minute, including one with only 6 seconds left. Couture's arsenal of holds and submissions are impressive--the guillotine, the arm bar, the ankle lock, shoulder locks (Dawan's shoulder pops audibly). When the competition is over, Randy informs the other pros that he was never really a submission guy. Scary! Randy also seems to be quite insistent that viewers at home get a good look at his super cauliflower ear. Come on Randy! Wear a knit cap, son!

It should be noted that Jay is a trainer in close combat for the Army Reserve. Perhaps that's what gets him through this event, though it certainly suggests that Randy has some things to teach our Reservists.

Jay has won Two Events, so he guaranteed a spot in the final round, aka Overtime. Challenge 3 will be between Dawan and Aaron (who was "going to fuck these guys up")

Challenge 3: Homerun Derby

This challenge, frankly, makes little sense. Perhaps the producers were at a loss as to how to use Canseco, and this is all they could come up with (except for his Overtime challenge, which was awesome). So Canseco gets to do the typical Homerun Derby thing--he has 5 outs. To tweak it a little bit, the show has set up low walls at various distances; a 250 ft homerun might only count 1 point, but a 300 ft homerun will count as 4 points. Canseco is still roiding, and in his 5 outs, puts up 70 points, almost all of it coming from 4 point HR's. Now clearly, the Joes aren't going to get anywhere near that.

Dawan, perhaps still smarting from his shoulder being popped in loud ways by Randy, hits for 20 points. The winner, Aaron, hits for 24 points. Dawan, hit the bricks, funny man!


Overtime--which still works the same way as last season--the Joes get a minute to complete a task--if they fail to complete it after a minute, they "max out". The final competition is one featuring four mini-games, with each pro in their element.


First challenge is to grab two boards from Kevin Willis. Both competitors wait for a ball to skid off the rim in a way that doesn't produce much of a bounce. Jay builds a lead here.

Second challenge to get a hit off of Canseco pitching. I love that challenge! I also love that both guys take all of 15 seconds to get a solid hit off of him. Jay adds a couple of seconds to his lead here.

Third challenge is to throw a ball into a box that is being defended by Michael Irvin. Aaron maxes out, Jay gets a ball through at the :59 second mark.

Fourth challenge is get Randy to touch the ground outside of a 12 foot circle. Aaron gets lucky, and gets Randy's elbow to touch outside at the 12 second mark. It appears that Jay may be in some trouble, but he too, (after desperately clutching Randy's muscle Tee so hard that he rips it off Randy) gets Randy to touch ground at about the 25 second mark.

Jay wins! He gets to collect the Pro's jerseys (a new prize this season) and 20 grand. He also no doubt knows that he didn't really beat an old beat up pro in anything. To which I say, awesome!

All things being equal, though, this opener was just OK. Next week's show, which appears to feature a guy who hits Kordell Stewart hard, pokes Timmy Hardaway in the eye, and then raises the ire of Claude Lemeiux, looks to be much more fun. Don't piss off Claude, son!