I Dislike Your Favorite Team

It has been noted in the past that the Conference Championships are better games than the Superbowl. The reasons argued are variously that intra-conference teams know each other better, they haven't had two weeks of media blitz, there isn't as much pressure and your Pro Bowl FS and recipient of the coveted Bart Starr award for "high moral behavior" won't get popped for soliciting a forty dollar blowjob the day before the game. Regardless of the reasons or combination therein, it is now Officially a good time to be a football fan. Most of our favorite teams have been eliminated (like spinach souffle through a fire hose, in the case of the Raiders and Lions). Toss aside those sour grapes: it is time to chug this, our fortified wine.

The wheat has been separated from the chaff (thanks to a DT-DL twist that let the SS streak in for a concussive sack), the gold has been sifted from the pyrite (thanks to steroid testing and the fact that a football game lasts a full sixty minutes), the cream has risen to the top of the mank (that's man-milk ... yes, I know I predicted the Redskins would win the Superbowl, but go fuck yourself quietly in the corner).

Let's get down to cases, shall we? You want to know what's brilliant about the playoffs? It's all about how well you're playing right now. How well are you playing after seventeen brutal weeks of disappointments, abasements, season-ending injuries, exhausting victories and happy finishes at adult lounges? It has been scientifically proven that the intensity of the regular season is quadrupaplied come playoff time. By the time you get to the Conference Championships, that intensity has doublified.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS AT INDIANAPOLIS COLTS 6:30 EST

Give credit where credit's due: this is the ninth consecutive year the NFC has proposed an entirely different Conference Champion to attend the Super Bowl (with a whomping 2-6 mark over that time). The Patriots are trying to make it 4 of 6 World Championships for fuck's sake.

Once again, two great QBs square off in the game of the year ... again. If the past is any indication, this game belongs to Brady. His 4-2 record against the Colts includes a 2-0 playoff record mark. However, the Colts have won their last two against the Pats. The Patriots beat a superior Chargers team on the road last week. That was guts & playing hard without looking at the score. The Colts, as talented as they are, still seem as soft as milquetoast. But American Football is a question of matchups.

The last time these teams played (27-20 Colts victory in Foxborough, 11/5/6), Brady was intercepted four times. In the Divisional round, Brady looked as precise as a water weasel in a funhouse mirror. To win, the Pats must play solid, mistake-free, ball-control football. They are built for this, but their reliance on using the passing formations to run (four WRs spread, Kevin Faulk in motion to draw up the middle out of a shotgun) hints at O-Line Power problems. Too bad; every team that has beaten the Colts has done so by power running. The Patriots should attack with Dillon & Boney Maroney, and hit their big TE on play-action. The O-Line can't protect against the Colts speed-rush. They must speak Power to Truth, or else.

If the Colts and Patriots get into a pass-attack frenzy, the Colts will win. Their weapons are significantly better and their pass defense is too (a lot depends on if Rodney Harrison can play and be effective). The Patriots have a solid defense and the edge in coaching, as well as the psychological advantage of having beaten the Colts just like this before. That was when the Colts looked unstoppable. They don't look so unstoppable now. Losing in the regular season is one thing. You need a good reason to bet against Brady and Belicheck in the postseason (12-1). I don't think the Colts are a good enough reason. I hope not, anyway ... don't bet the farm on this. I almost racionated my way backwards, and also my heart's involved. Me no gusto la Manning. The Colts don't deserve shit, according to my predictions. Patriots win.

Manning never, Monk forever!

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS AT CHICAGO BEARS 3 EST


Anyone else catch this? Rex Grossman is like George W. Bush. He started out under scrutiny, and then his team needed him ready-or-not for the fight of his life ... which he seemed to have accomplished. And then he started to believe the hype. And then the other team figured out how to play against him. Reality & the cold crushing flood of public opinion came crashing down, and everyone will try to forget about him as soon as possible.

The rest of the team is good enough to drag the offense along after them, horny caveman style, but at some point the Bears will have to beat a good team. Let me repeat this for all you sinners: the only teams with winning records that the Bears have beaten were the Seattle Plankton and the New York Jest.

The pace of the game will be very important. If the Bears defense & special teams can force a field position ballgame, they can run well enough to control the game. To win, the Saints must take command of the pace of this game. If they can force the Bears into running with them, Grossman will chuck up some bloated longballs. A fast, high-scoring game obviously favors the Saints, but consider this: temperatures in Chicago will likely be below freezing, with 15-20 mph winds. The Saints must keep their offensive engine revving on the field. You don't want to see Bush or Colston getting cold-muscle leg cramps sitting on the sidelines, on top of the rookie jitters. Look for dropped passes early for the Saints -- that's an indication that somebody needs some Dan Marino-inspired Isotoner Gloves. Creepy.

Neither team has the advantage of Big-Game experience. The Bears crowd is certain to be a factor, but will turn on Grossman when he inevitably turns the ball over.

The Saints are the better team. Their defense and special teams are good. Their offense is very good. Saints win. Enjoy.