Wednesday, January 24, 2007

The Raiders Suck

Since we have nearly two weeks until we crown the Champion of the 2006 NFL season, let's reflect on some also-rans. Such as the Oaktown Raiders.

The Raiders are currently the #1 team to be rooted for by assholes that don't know anything about football, surpassing the Cowboys surge of the 1990s with a steaming brown surge of their own. And ever since getting blown the fuck up by Chucky Part 2: Electric Boogaloo in the Superbowl, they have sucked.

I love every fucking minute of it.

Raiders offensive statistics? Fewest yards, fewest first downs, fewest points (fifth worst ever), fewest run TDs (5!), fewest pass TDs (7!). The pass offense is 2nd worst across the board, except that the worst pass offense in the NFL had three times as many TDs and nine fewer INTs. Giving up forty-six turnovers netted them a -23 turnover ratio ... yep, worst in the league.

I can't go on. My fingers hurt from writing my caustic laughter onto the internet.

But wait -- help is on the way. In the form of a 31 year old Head Coach with zero head coaching experience at the pro or Division I level, who boasts exactly one year of experience in the NFL ... as "defensive quality control coach" for the 2000 Jaguars (record: 7-9). This is the fourth Raiders head coach in four years. That's a commitment to excellence, Bone-Daddies.

The Raiders have the first pick in the 2007 draft. It's like watching one of those foster homes adopting another mistreated child, and then keeping him chained in the root cellar. Marinating in his own excretions. Speaking to the rats. Screaming in captive, onanistic anguish.

I Dislike the Raiders. And they will suck for a long, long time. It makes me laugh.

I hope the Raiders haven't lost Jeff George's home number. I think he's available for the 2007 season.


kelly said...

BadC - Do you know Clovis, NM? I'm surprising a friend and my goddaughters with a visit, but I'm not sure how long I should plan to stay. She has warned me that her new home is somewhat hostile to left-wingers. I don't hope to "pork" any gun toting gals or guys. I'm a peace-lovin' Minnesotan. Would you suggest 48 hours? 72? Thanks for your anticipated advice!

Badcock said...

Kelly, repost here if Big BM is lame at forwarding my email to you.

I've also never suggested "porking" with a straight face.

NFL Adam said...

You are preaching to the choir, brothers.

Anonymous said...

Wow, really going out on a limb to criticize the worst team in the league. What’s next, a post about how Bill Belichick is a football genius or perhaps a hard-hitting piece on the ill-effects of cancer? Keep up the good work.

Big Blue Monkey said...

Anonymous, way to go out on a limb, anonymously criticizing something you found to be worthy of ridicule!

Oh, and nfl adam, in the comments, happens to be the author of the best Raider's Blog that we know of. He didn't seem too offended. So suck it, anonymous.