I Dislike Your Favorite Team

My pre-season predictions may now be acknowledged as exactly wrong. I went on at great length about how neither the Colts nor the Bears would win the Superbowl. Well, that was my mistake.

I was wrong: I Pulled A Boner.

How does this differ from, say, Pulling a Romo or Hugging the Panda?

The phrase originated from the TV show Growing Pains, in which religious teen hearthrob Kirk Cameron censored shows that were too racy and forced out the show's original creators for being "pornographers." Despite this sad freak's best efforts to keep the show blander than instant grits, he missed the fact that his best friend was named after an erect, sexually aroused priapism, i.e., Kirk Cameron Pulled a Boner

Let's examine what really happened in the NFL, as opposed to my well-reasoned but nevertheless completely wrong predictions.

Bears Defense Devour Saints

Chicago's Special Teams dominated and the Bears took advantage of four turnovers. That Bears Defense is ball-hungry. The momentum shifts kept the Saints D on their heels and they couldn't defend ther middle against RBs Jones and Benson. 2005 Coach of the Year Lovie Smith called a calm patient game plan.

Rex Grossman looks like a puffy tampon and he plays like it too. Yet he didn't turn the ball over in the cold wind & snow of Soldier Field, while Drew Brees fumbled & tossed a poorly timed INT.

The Saints seemed cold & nervous, with early key drops invoking a culture of desperation for the endothermic Southern squad.

They looked like a team without experience in Big Games in hostile environments with harsh football conditions because that's exactly what they were.

Chicago has bested the unimpressive NFC, dominating the #1 offense in the NFL. Can they control a Colts offense that will be playing under ideal conditions? Will the Bears RBs be effective, allowing Grossman to aim no higher than playing boner-free football? Are all Bears fans as classy as the guy who flipped off the camera?

Colts Survive Kryptonite

The Patriots CBs were dominant, Brady was poised and the Pats O-line was run-blocking dominantly. But the Colts rekindled their chi force at half time. And the Patriots, in an effort to keep scoring, abandoned the run.

In the first half, the Patriots ran 18 times. In the second half, the Patriots ran 5 times. This despite the fact that the Colts didn't have the lead in the game until the final 1:17 in the 4th Quarter.

Give credit to Dungy & Manning for not folding. Give rotten tomatoes to Vinny Testicles ala Verde for his self-abasing TV commercial just before kickoff.

In a game where three offensive linemen scored TDs, it was the Colts well-timed running attack that kept them in the game. This was an excellent game, but if the equation for momentum is p = m*v wherein v is velocity and m is mass, than p stands for Horseface. I mean P. Manning, sorry.


Manning won the chess match this time.

Can the Colts D stand up to a Bears team that has no choice but to stick with the run? Can the Colts exploit a Bears secondary that beat the crap out of the Saints WRs? If the Colts win, how many fucking Manning commercials will there be next year?

Can't say I wanted to see these teams. But they have both earned their trip to the Superbowl. Look for my upcoming Lifestyle column Badcock's Predictions Part 2: The Winter of His Discontented Boner Pulling.