I Dislike Your Favorite Team

For those of you not familiar with the goofy genius of Pros vs. Joes, I can only direct you to my voluminous previous writings. For the rest of you, the seemingly obligatory season-to-season tweaks should be summarized here.

This season the show is being constructed as a giant tournament. 64 Joes, broken down into regions, playing until there is only One Joe, who will win $100,000. Which is a nice prize, to be sure. Still, it seems the pay-out of Season 1 ($20,000 per episode winner) will never again be reached. The regions will be played out in Legendary Stadiums throughout the country (the first episode, the Southeast Region, was played in the Orange Bowl). Each show will feature 8 Joes.

On to the first Episode

Which comes to the first worrying trend in the Pro vs. Joe newest season. 8 Joes? How will there be time for them all? Simple--2 get eliminated in the first 30 seconds, in a Joe-For-All Royal Rumble style elimination. All Eight Joes in a ring--first chucked over the top ropes are eliminated by their fellow Joes. Those two never even get to meet a Pro. That smacks of bullshit. I hope that this was a response to a Pro who cancelled at the last second, and not a sign of things to come.

Six Joes are left, and the judges seed them 1-6 based on their "aggressiveness" in the ring. The seeds are coupled in the classic way--#1 with #6, and so on. They will meet in a single event against the Pros. Let's meet the pros!

Jimmy Smith, Wide Receiver, mostly with the Jacksonville Jaguars. He seems a little too good and young to be participating. This is a future Hall of Famer, just a couple of years removed from retirement. But who cares.

Kurt Angle, Olympic and "professional" wrestler, whose connection to TNA Wrestling will be flogged relentlessly throughout the episode. He does a very good job of scary the Joes shitless.

Kendall Gill, former NBAer. Kendall is the oldest of the Pros, but still looks to be in pretty damn good shape. Also, he's just pretty. Gill would like to (and does) remind the viewing public that he has the record for most steals in an NBA game. He forgets to mention that the records is not his alone.

Joes seeded #1-3 get to pick which pro they are going to face. Joe #1, Eddie DuBose picks Jimmy Smith. Joe #6, Brent Allen comes along for the ride. (Don't get too attached to Brent). Joe #2, Matt Still picks Kendall Gill, which was probably done out of the fear of Kurt Angle, but wise all the same. #5 Jason Vogel is part of the grouping as well. Joes #3 and #4, Steve Ruff & Dallas Robinson, are acutely stuck with Angle.

Challenge 1: Jimmy Smith vs. Eddie DuBose and Brent Allen. The Challenge is simple enough. A QB is going to throw passes at Jimmy Smith. The Joes are playing single coverage cornerback. Each Joe gets four downs. Eddie gets early help when Jimmy drops a pass that hit him in the hands. Eddie doesn't need much help, though, as Brent gets dusted three straight times in embarrassing fashion. See ya later, Brent!

Challenge 2: Kendall Gill vs. Jason Vogel and Matt Still. Gill is playing defense for 8 possessions in one-on-one. Whoever scores the most advances. Vogel kind of acquits himself well, if you count his easy shots that went for misses. He probably should have four baskets, but finishes with just two. Still does worse, somehow, and finishes with just one basket. His style of dribbling seems to offend Gill, who thinks the high dribble of Matt is disrespecting him, rather than a lack of skill. Still, it turns out, guaranteed in his audition tape that he would win, or he'd shave his head. The Pros shave his head, and in typical dick-jock fashion, purposely leave him with a few ridiculous patches (because just shaving the guy bald wouldn't be demeaning enough). Whatever. Matt made the bet, and it was stupid to do so, and his hair will grow back. He will be forgotten quickly in any event. Vogel moves on.

Challenge 3: Kurt Angle vs. Steve Ruff and Dallas Robinson. The Joes who stayed away from Angle made a smart decision. This challenge is brutal--3 minutes in the ring with Angle--fewest takedowns wins. Ruff, somewhat to his credit actually tries to wrestle a bit with Angle, and gets reversed a few times; gets his legs taken out a few times. After 3 minutes, he has been taken down 8 times. Nothing too violent, but 8 times sounds like a lot of takedowns. Dallas comes in with the strategy I would have employed, which is to stay the fuck away from Kurt as much as possible. For the first minute or so, it is really effective. It also seems to piss off Angle. When he does get his hands on Dallas, the takedowns are far more violent. With about 45 seconds left, Dallas seems to be having getting off the mat. Whether he's really hurt, or whether he's being smart about the clock isn't certain. Whichever it is, it works--he scrambles out with only 7 takedowns.

Overtime: Jason Vogel, Dallas Robinson, & Eddie DuBose. Overtime works pretty much like it always has--face all the Pros in mini-competitions, against a clock. Each clock maxes out at one minute, and the clock stays running until the Joe gets to stop-the-clock stations.

Vogel is up first, and the first challenge is a PvJ staple--hit four shots before the basketball pro hits 6. If the Pro hits his six, the Joe maxes out. Vogel, it turns out, is a sniper, and buries his 4 baskets in about 5 shots, and 39 seconds. This will turn out to be the difference. The second challenge is to get in a ring with Angle, and then try to crawl out. I'm suspicious about this one, as Vogel wriggles out in about 25 seconds or so. The final challenge is to catch a Hail Mary pass with Jimmy Smith defending. Vogel gets a good bounce off a Smith tip, and ends up finishing in 1:44. Shockingly fast, considering.

Dallas Robinson maxes out in basketball, giving him over a minute before he's even reached stage 2. He's done.

Eddie DuBose, the #1 seed (based on a Royal Rumble, don't forget) is still left. He also has trouble with the basketball challenge, barely avoiding maxing out with 57 seconds. He's a big man though, and wriggles out of Angle's arms a bit quicker than Vogel did. With just Jimmy Smith left, he's only 10 seconds behind Vogel's time. DuBose catches maybe the third ball thrown in the Hail Mary challenge, but is clearly hurting for speed on the final sprint to the finish. He ends at 1:47. Jason Vogel advances! It's a huge upset! He was the #5 seed, after all.

coming tomorrow: my review of the 2nd episode of season 3. Which features a game that as an enlightened youth I called "smear the queer".