I Dislike Your Favorite Team

Head Coach: Snyder's Follies

The three-time World Champion Washington Redskins are the favorite team of America's smartest and best-looking citizens. With official Christ-figure Joe Gibbs retiring after his second coming, the Redskins must make a hire which will stabilize a team that has swung between under-achieving and over-achieving for fifteen years. With a little patience on the part of the owner and the fans, we may get to see a Redskins head coach hoist a shineful trophy ... some day.

Distinguishing patterns is an important function of the mind. Shall we exhume some recent memories?

At the conclusion of the 2005 season, Gibbs led the Redskins to a late-season surge, a five-game winning streak which improbably propelled them into the playoffs. They beat the Bucs but fell to the Seahawks in the Divisional Round. They looked poised to take the next proverbial step, despite an aged QB (Brunell) and some lackluster offense. They brought in a highly-touted offensive guru (Al Saunders) to help launch them to the NFL Championship.

Instead, the 2006 season was the most disappointing I can remember. Brunell proved incapable of completing anything longer than screen passes, the new offense wasn't integrated and the defense (with the notable exception of Sean Taylor) gambled and lost, leading to a 5-11 season.

In 2007 the Redskins lost their offensive line at the start of the season, and struggled to beat mediocre teams. They swooned in the middle of the season, losing leads in the second half. Following the murder of Taylor, the Redskins looked like a team ready to pack it in like Heath Ledger. Yet Gibbs led the Redskins on a late-season surge, a four-game winning streak which improbably propelled them into the playoffs. They fell to the balding Seahawks in the Wildcard Round.

For 2008 they look poised to take the next proverbial step, just as they did entering the disappointing 2006 season. But they need a capable Head Coach who will shore up the foundation, maintain momentum and build from within. In a word, they need continuity.

The obvious choice for Head Coach is Assistant Head Coach (Defense) Gregg Williams. Since his arrival in 2004, a hard-hitting defense has been the team's only reliable feature. The 2006 team was a terrible, miserable piece of shit. But if we eliminate this statistical implosion, the defense under Wiliams ranked #11 in scoring & #8 overrall in 2007, #1 in scoring & #4 overrall in 2005 and #5 in scoring & #3 overrall in 2004.

And yet after four interviews, the Redskins still have not offered him the job. Now there are reports that he is no longer under consideration. There is a rumor that he "dumped on" Joe Gibbs, which he has strenuously denied. It seems out of character, but the idea of the Redskins deliberately smearing him so that they didn't have to hire him is too misshapen to even contemplate.

Former Giants coach Jim Fassel is now the most likely hire, a candidate for reasons unknown. He helmed one of the most boring offenses in the NFL, yet was the top choice Dan "The Schneider" Snyder before Gibbs was lured out of retirement. Though twice named Coach of the Year, his record (58-53-1; 2-3 postseason) over seven seasons is not impressive. Colts D Coordinator Ron Meeks is a contender, and Giants D Coordinator Spagnuolo will likely be interviewed after the Superbowl. They are unproven commodities riding high on one year of success.

Associate Head Coach (Offense) Al Saunders was fired, replaced by Seahawks QB Coach Jim Zorn. The Zorn hire reportedly moves the Redskins closer to hiring Jim Fassel. Al Saunders's expensive & expansive offense never achieved in Washington what it did in Kansas City or St. Louis, although it was effective in the running game with RB Portis and found better chemistry with longtime student QB Todd Collins running it.

Why is Zorn, whose only gig as an offensive coordinator was at Utah State from 1992-1994, being hired to run the offense? Fuck if I know. He's left-handed, which is sinister. I want a right-handed coach calling plays for my right-handed quarterback not some mirror-sucking mutant.
Scrapping Saunders and starting over yet again is a typical move from impatient owner Dan Snyder. He has been responsible for heaping difficulties on the team. Changing the offensive system yet again would mean that QB Jason Campbell will have to learn his sixth offense in seven years. The first time he had an opportunity to play a second year in the same offense was this year. He showed a lot of promise, with good (not great) numbers. Imagine his steady improvement if he had an opportunity to stay in a system long enough for it to become intuitive. With Dan Snyder running the team, we'll never find out.

Continuity? Look at the number of wins the Redskins have posted since Snyder bought the team and they hired six Head Coaches in nine years. Random and erratic, a reflection of the ownership: 10, 8, 8, 7, 5, 6, 10, 5, 9. Put that on a graph and it looks like Charlie Brown's shirt.

Dan Snyder bought the team in May of 1999, inheriting Nerfneck Turner. He fired Turner with three games left in the 2000 season. He has fired and acquired coaches with the impatience of a child. Snyder has had six Head Coaches in nine years and remains unable to see the connection between the Redskins' futility and their erratic front office. The ego-driven Snyder has been obnoxiously active in free agency, spending billions on fading big-name stars and producing flop after flop after flop after flop. I can't find a citation, but I recall seeing that of the 28 free agent Pro Bowlers the Dan Snyder has bought, not a single has made the Pro Bowl as a Redskin.

Vinny Cerrato was recently named Executive Vice President-Football Operations, whatever that means. He remains in charge of the team's roster, scouting and salary cap management, as he has since Snyder took over the Redskin organization. Cerrato has been behind every terrible move that Snyder has made; adding "Executive" to his old title merely emphasizes that with Gibbs gone, Cerrato and Snyder will act as GM. Any new coach will be shut out of personnel decisions; this lack of culpability will probably help him when he's looking for a new job in two years.

What the Redskins must avoid is a long, desperate search followed by a selection of the 3rd or 4th choice, such as when the Raiders picked Art Shell off their own scrap heap for one more meaningless season. Speaking of the Old Lady In The Tracksuit, he apparently drafted a resignation letter for Coach Lane Kiffin. I assume this would save Davis the trouble of firing Kiffin, which would cost more money. Unfortunately, Kiffin has so far refused to sign the letter.

That Snyder and Davis could be so effortlessly compared is a definitive indictment against the Redskins owner. They will both continue to spend millions on big names past their prime while hiring and firing coaches to assuage the anguish of their pickled egos. Washington fans want to hail victory, and all we get are Snyder's Follies.