Our #1 seed is an Ohio football player gone to seed right out of Central Casting. He's my favorite instantly--Mike Hall has got bad teeth, an 'aw shucks' demeanor, and it is clear that while he is a few pounds over his old playing weight, he was a hell of football player, served a stint in the Navy, and he's now a pipefitter. He seems ready to do some damage. He's paired up with #6 Robert Foster, who is much more of classic Joe--in that he talks shit like crazy, and utterly fails to live up to it. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's meet the Pros!
Ricky Williams: It seems rather unsurprising that one of the few "active" Pros to ever show up on this show is Ricky. He needs the cash, after all. Host Peter Snufflapagus rather boldly calls Ricky a "Pro-Bowler in his prime." His prime? Really? Did that word suddenly change meaning?
Charles Oakley : If he were playing today, we would probably call him Choakley, because that would be a fun nickname. He's still tall, and he's still built like a shithouse, and the Joes can't be happy about a guy who was totally willing to cheat when he was at the top of his game. He will clearly cheat throughout this show.
Arturo Gatti: I don't know shit about boxing, but this guy has apparently been in the middle of some great fights over the last decade or so. Since most Joes aren't boxers, it would seem to be wise to stay the fuck away from this guy.
#1 pick Mike Hall decides to put his football skills on the line, and picks to go against Ricky Williams. Peter Poopadopalous can barely contain his chagrin, "Are you sure, Mike? That's a Pro Bowler over there!" Mike Hall only knows football, though, and he figures if he has a chance, it's gotta be football.
The challenge is simple enough. Ricky gets four downs to run in for a touchdown. The field is constricted into a corridor about 15 yards wide. Whichever Joe shuts Ricky down the most times wins. On first down, Mike Hall bangs hard into Ricky and brings him down. It seems he has made the right decision. But what of rather crappy shit-talker Robert Foster? On his first down, he whiffs on the tackle, barely getting one arm around the waist of Ricky. Touchdown, Ricky. Mike looks a lot like Robert on his 2nd down, barely touching Ricky after biting on a hard fake. On Robert's 2nd down Ricky decides to run right into him, and fucking dusts him--Ricky blows him up and backwards about 5 yards, and goes into for the TD. So Mike Hall is up 1 TD with two Downs left. But what is this? Robert Foster, the loudest shittalker of the season thus far, can't continue! He's been too badly hurt by Ricky running into him. See you later, Robert. We hardly knew ye. And We are OK with that.
Joe #2 Mark Bohling (who brings along #5 Donnie Frazier) picks next. For some reason, he picks Arturo Gatti. The challenge is to last 3:00 minutes in the ring with Gatti. Bohling seems like an nice enough guy, and with his little goatee going gray and his Communist peasant cap, he gives off the vibe of a 'cool' high-school English teacher. But he has no business being in the ring with Gatti. Even with protective headgear, Bohling doesn't make it to the 1:35 mark before being dropped twice, the second knockdown leading to an actual knockout. Frazier is up next, and he too goes down early, but isn't that hurt, but still stays down until about the 7 count. He's clearly milking time. He makes it the full 3:00 minutes. Upset! #5 Frazier advances, and Bohling can go back to his high school and impress very recent female graduates with his stream of consciousness prose-poem about being hit by a real boxer.
Joe #3 is Faheem Hammett, and he may be the oldest Joe I've ever seen. Or maybe his girth and gray beard are making him look older than he appears. He and #6 Joe Kevin Witt are left competing against Choakley. The idea is simple--score as many points off of bricks hoisted up from the 3 point line before Chuck gets 10 Boards. Of course, Chuck is going to wrap his arm under your pit, and drive you away, and generally be the dick that got him rich. Neither Joe is anywhere near Oakley's 6' 9", but Faheem has a low center of gravity (or if you prefer, a big ol' butt). He gets a decent share of the rebounds, but simply doesn't finish well. #4 Joe, "freelance male model" Kevin Witt doesn't get as many boards, but he doesn't buy into the bullshit machismo of host Poopy Popperpants, and instead of driving the lane against Choakley, he goes for 13 footers. He wins by one basket.
On to Overtime! Ya'll remember how Overtime works, right? Each Joe competes against each Pro, for a maximum of one minute, and then runs to a stop the time bench. The Joe with the best time advances to the next round.
So here are the three tasks for each Joe:
1) Get 5 punches on Gatti
2) Throw passes into 3 (rather large targets) with Oakley defending.
3) Stop Ricky Williams from getting into the end zone from 10 yards out.
Donnie Frazier is up first (that's him on the right in the photo). He's rather deliberate against Gatti, but gets it done, in 49 seconds. He also takes one nasty punch from Gatti that staggers him a bit. Against Oakley, we see Frazier on the hardwood for the first time, and he's quicker than you'd think. He drives to the outside targets and throws the passes in pretty quickly. He's through two events in 1:30. He brings down Ricky on his first try, and gets across in 2:13.
Kevin Witt (the guy in the middle not wearing the pee-stained jeans) is up next, and his boxing is comical. He looks a bit like what you might expect from a cartoon cow boxing. He maxes out there, and ends up at 1:10. So already, he's 21 seconds behind. I rather like the way he handles the basketball challenge, which is not attempt to drive on Oakley at all, but throw passes over Oakley's head from a distance. While I may like the strategy, he doesn't gain any time, in fact he loses a bit. He finishes that challenge at 2:04. He's basically done. He doesn't tackle Ricky at the speed of light, and finishes at 3:16.
Last up, Mike Hall (left), the guy I'm rooting for. He does what everyone should have against Gatti, which is just to throw haymakers constantly. He finishes the challenge in 39 seconds. He goes up against Oakley. He misses one target, but hits the other two quickly. And then he starts running for the third challenge. Wait, Mike! He gets halfway to the football challenge when he hears the yelling of host Pietro Maximus telling him he has to go back to basketball challenge. He stops dead in his tracks to debate for a moment, and then runs back. Barr is not fleet of foot, and by the time he wraps up his mistake, he's down in Witt territory, at 2:04. It seems safe to say he would have been in the lead had he paid a bit more attention. He doesn't get Ricky on the first tackle, and ends up finishing at 2:48. I find myself very upset that Donnie Frazier is advancing.
Mike Hall was robbed! He was robbed by Mike Hall. But still.
10 comments:
Hmm.. A college football player who can't count to three. Unexpected?
That's racist.
Robert Foster reminded me of my nephew and all the other little boys on his various sports teams who strike out and suddenly have a sore shoulder or fumble and come up with a limp.
Some things just never change.
Andrew, we all know how much MuuMuuMan hates white people. Trying to change him now is worthless.
The orangutan is unfazed!
As a Season 2 Joe I am officially voicing my opinion of the pros and Cons of Season 3.
It has been mentioned that the new format is better... Better for who? my reply to that is it is better for the PROS, and the viewers. NOT for the Joes. this new format allows 8 Joes a shot at competing. 2 don't even get to meet, let alone compete with the Pro on any level. 3 more only get one shot at one event with one Pro. and although i do like 3 Joes competing in OT, 5 Joes got royally screwed, and 2 have to return back to their families and tell them that after all they went, through... they MIGHT get their named mentioned once by Petros. Even the losing Joe in Seaosn 1-2, got to compete in 3 different sports against 3 different Joes... that's what we Joes live for... competiton! Now one thing that season 3 does have going for it is #1 - The $100K prize. #2.. the Pros are going ALL OUT and have no regard for the health, and safety of the Joes, which is as it should be! Season two showed Joy Jones Jr boxing Joes at MAYBE 40%. Arturo Gatti is my freaking HERO for knocking these guys silly in just a few seconds. That was amazing. as was Ricky Williams' disregard for his Crash Test Dummy before, during and after the big hit. yes as a fan of the show... it's more physical, and much more exciting to watch, but as a participant, i have to say hitting against Dibble, (Then tackling him off the mound, gaurding Rison-twice, shooting against Smitz, and trying to return Genepri's Serves, was much for thrilling than simply getting one shot. Let's just hope the finale see much more Pro Vs Joe Action in multiple events. I mean, we don't even know if some of these Joes can hang in multiple sports or if they just got lucky and dominated in their one good event.
I dare say, Anonymous Joe, that you've given us an idea who you might be.
I completely agree with Anonymous...
Hey, Just so you know a little about Faheem Hammett, I am 31. I was involved in athletic my whole life. I went to College and walked on to a Div. I program and became the starting leftfielder for my University. Not only did I break Rbi records and homerun records, I was voted Male athlete of the year for my university. The show was a great experience, but it did not allow me to show my athletic talents. I HATE basketball!! I knew I was going home when they said I have to go agaist Oak. As far the comment of the low center of gravity, hey I haven't trained in a year. So thanks for checkin out my ass.
Faheem, my man, I was rooting for you. But "checking out" your ass might be a little strong.
Also, baseball isn't really a sport.
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