I Dislike Your Favorite Team

The newest and suckiest innovation of Pros vs Joes continues, with the bringing in of 8 Joes, only to eliminate 2 of them in the first minute of the show. Why did they bother with this? Did they invite 64 Joes, and then fuck up their Pros booking? Why not have 48 Joes instead of 64? Why, why, why? Tonight's elimination challenge was simple--8 guys on a basketball court, no more than 3 basketballs in play--First six guys to grab a rebound, drive the court, and hit a basket advance. Six guys make shots, and are therefore more qualified to meet the Pros then the two suckers who didn't.

(oh, by the way, we're in the Superdome for the first Central Bracket. No Minnesota boys, as far as I could tell, but we've got one Wisconsin boy, who won a Division III football championship. Based on his fat, short competition, he's gotta be the favorite despite his Opie with a goatee look).

Let's meet our Pros!
Raghib "Rocket" Ismail. Former NFL player, mainly remembered for being fast. He still looks fast.
Kenny Anderson. Rambling' Wreck of GA Tech legend, damn good NBA guard, and some trouble in his past that we won't dwell on here. He's apparently still the coach of the Atlanta Krunk.
Joe Carter. Hulking former MLBer, best known for betraying his country and helping a Canadian team win the World Series. Fuck You, Joe Carter! Touch 'Em All--of Deze Nuts! Snap!

Our #1 Joe (Jay Williams) picks Joe Carter. Jay was a drafted by the MLB, so he's thinking he could compete. #6 Joe (Mike Martin) was also a pitcher, so this works out for him too.
#2 Joe (Chris Rich) and #5 (Tony Railing) take Kenny Anderson. Chris Rich looks like he is doomed to fail. He can't be more than 5' 8", and Kenny mentions something about getting to post him up. #3 (Derek Schaeffer, the Wisconsinite) and #4 (Will Hunter) get left with Rocket Ismail. My notes after I've seen all the Joes ask the question, "Least athletic bunch of Joes ever?" In cold hard light after the show, I think I may be right.

For some reason, the 3 and 4 seeds are up first.
Challenge 1: Rocket Ismail is going to field a punt and a kick-off. He has tackling dummies on opposite sides of the field he has to run around the outside of, creating a zig-zag return pattern. The Joes have to tackle him one on one, and given the nature of the zig-zagging, they may get two chances to do so in each single attempt.

On his punt return, Will Hunter gets flat out dusted. Raghib puts one spin move and it is over. Derek fares little better. Hunter gets dusted again on the kick-off, and looks like he got gassed about half-way through. His effort is less than spectacular. Derek looks a little better, but does facemask the fuck out of Rocket. It would have been 15 yards in the NFL. But Rocket gets away from it and keeps going. Derek catches up, gets position. Rocket is now the one who looks a little winded. While doing a little slow dance to gain some time, Derek comes in quick on him and tackles him. Derek advances. Roll Wisconsin, motherfuckers!

Challenge 2: This is for our #1 and #6 seed--they gotta throw 10 pitches to Joe Carter. Anything but a called ball counts as a pitch. The field is divided into 3 zones, with each zone going towards the outfield wall getting bigger--single, double, triple. Jay Williams (who claims his arm, when it was live, hit lower 90's) goes first. Honestly, I miss most of his stuff, because I was watching the Daily Show interview about the Teapot Dome scandal. What can I say? I enjoy varied pursuits (on TV). Jay finishes with 11 bases on 10 pitches. Which doesn't sound bad to me. Mike Martin is up next, and he's a big goofy clown, but his arm is all about junk, which is a pretty good strategy. He gives up some pop fouls, a couple of doubles, and even gets Joe to swing over the top of a pretty decent looking sinker. He only gives up 9 bases. Score one for the "Country Bumpkin from Lexington, Kentucky." With this big goofy fucker in OT, Derek's chances of winning skyrocket.

Challenge 3: Hit six shots in marked zones (3 on each end of a fullcourt) before Kenny Anderson hits his six. Simple enough. Tony Railing is up first. Tony's got a pretty decent stroke, and Kenny doesn't look like he warmed up enough. Tony does the impossible, and actually beats the Pro outright. Good for you Tony! He wins 6-5. Chris Rich is up next, and given his cockiness, and aging gym rat appearance, I give him a chance against Kenny. That was wrong of me. Kenny practically laps the fucker, and beats him 6-4, thus ending the run of possibly the goofiest looking Joe in any episode from any season. And yes, I'm including Mike Zimmerman from Season 2. (Take that, Z-Man! That's what you get for not responding to my emails in a timely fashion!)

on to Overtime! (Remember--each event is one minute long, with extra time added as each Joe runs to the next event)

Event 1: Steal the Ball from Kenny Andeson or rebound his shot (Kenny's gotta follow shot clock rules, and put a shot at least every 24 seconds).
Event 2: Make two defensive plays at shortstop with Joe Carter hitting.
Event 3: Tackle Rocket Ismail from 10 yards on a simulated receiver screen pass.

Mike Martin is up first, and good great googly-moogly, does he look like shit on the basketball court. His defense almost looks like breakdancing crossed with interpretative dance ("I call this one the Retarded Octopus"). Arms flailing and legs barely moving, Kenny takes him to about 57 seconds before a ball bounces out of bounds, which counts as a stop. Running off the court, Martin falls twice. His legs are just gone, and he's clearly tweaked a hammy, too. Martin stops the clock at 1:15. Martin does decent work stopping grounders, and finishes the second event at 2:09. He's clearly pretty gassed, and even if he were starting off with the tackle Rocket challenge, he still would be in trouble. He maxes out, and slowly crosses the finish line at 3:38. That simply can't be a winning time.

Tony Railing is up next. He too maxes out on Kenny Anderson, but manages not to fall while running, and finishes at 1:10. He looks worse on the infield, including a throw that takes the first baseman several feet off the bag. He finishes at 2:25. He needs to tackle Rocket pretty early to beat Mike Martin's initially shitty seeming but looking better time. He doesn't, and appears to give up about halfway through. He maxes out and crosses the line at 3:38. Good God, Martin's time can't stand, can it?

Not if Wisconsin's favorite son, Derek Schaeffer has anything to say about it. PvJ Host Peter Snuffalupagus asks Derek if he's ready, and Derek proves his Northern Midwest heritage by answering, "You Betcha!"

Derek seems to have learned from the other two. He stays in front of Kenny Anderson, not going for a steal that will allow Kenny to blow by him for an easy lay-up. Kenny has to fire up an 18 footer, and Derek gets the board. He finishes in thirty seconds. It's all over, really. He can max out on the next two, and still win pretty handily. Mike Martin doesn't seem aware of that, and keeps rooting for the Pros to beat Derek. Derek is pretty slow on the baseball, and but runs to stop the clock quickly at 1:39. Game over. He maxes out on Raghib, but could jog it out to a win. He sprints to finish at 2:51, winning handily.

Least athletic Joes ever, and most lopsided victory ever. Hey, I wonder if those two Joes at the beginning that were eliminated randomly could have done better?

Stayed tuned: next week--Warren Moon! Other people! Congrats to Derek, you filthy fucking Cheesesucker.